Nice. You are as talented...maybe more...at writing as you are editing. The characters were great, I loved the dialogue. I've never heard the phrase "victuals". But even that wasn't enough to damper the tale. Very solid work.
Ok...you've set us up for a very tragic tale. Don't overdo it with description. I got lost in the first few paragraphs, and not in a good way. I, truthfully, got a little bored with it.
It's a short piece, which is good because it means you won't have to cut a lot out. Be careful with run-on sentences.
You have an eye for detail & a heart to write. Great. Just keep at it.
Nice story. Very intriguing twist. I must admit I am far from a technical writer, so your style seemed good. I like the open-ended nature of the work, and the idea that the character was far from what he seemed. I almost would have rather have Brian discover his true nature than have it spoon-fed to me, but cool story nonetheless
There are quite a few technical errors in this story. Be sure to reread and check your spelling. One thing I do after a rough draft is read my work out loud to myself to make sure the words sound right. Don't be afraid to do this.
The good news is the story is sound. It's awful and brutal but that's the point, isn't it? The world is a brutal place especially in wartime. It's a good tale. Be sure that you work at it, because I can see what you are trying to say but it isn't clear enough with some of the technical flaws. If there was significance to Sasha/Alex at beginning and end, I missed it. I think there was supposed to be but I just had a hard time understanding.
Keep at it. You have a very raw piece with a lot of potential. I think with the right editor it could be a great story. Good luck. Keep at it.
Interesting story. I might have missed the bit where the emboldened words held some sort of significance. I like the message very much, and I think it carries this piece well. I have admit I had to reread a few times to understand what was going on in spots. I would definitely suggest having someone that is more skilled in the technical aspects of prose and grammar take a look at this story and help with that. I would recommend going with "edgework" on the Request Reviews page...he's harsh with grammatical issues but absolutely encouraging.
Great story. I know there should be more to the review than this but wow. I'm really blown away at the shocker o an ending. I'm going to rec this story on my Facebook fan page. Just an incredible story. Thanks for sharing.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vacantvagrant
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 5:03am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
