Interesting story. I was surprised by the shift, and I liked it. I really feel like it could be longer though. Maybe frame it within the play, so somehow end with a part of the play. I just feel like the end is unfinished. Not that we need a nice clean ending, but this one seems not satisfying.
You have this nice beginning that really draws us in. Then you have a surprising shift, which is really great. And then an end that seems a bit disappointing. You really build it up, and it seems like a let down to end so early, and on something so trivial. There should be MORE to this story.
I look forward to reading future edits. Let me know what you end up doing with it. I really do like what you've got going so far.
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