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Review of Magic Wars  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Remember this review is only my opinion, when I review a piece I mainly focus on interactions, characters,and descriptions.

You have the beginning of a good story here, I can tell that you have put some thought into this. The main issues that I see so far are in the flow and realism of your conversations. Your intent is in every line, but it is so painfully obvious that it makes the progression feel rigid or forced. When I write a conversation between two characters I imagine them as real people, each person has their own charicteristics. If you have not done a full workup on what makes a person tick, then how can you carry on a conversation through them organically. Take some time develope each person in your mind, put them through scenarios, this way when writing a conversation you will naturally respond with their own unique voice. It will also cut back on the giving of unneeded information, and unrealistic or non organic sentiments or reactions. Also keep in mind that if you have not fully fleshed out the world yet, and finished the social economic climates of each region, then how can you fully undestand how a person from such area would react. If you dont make these people real, along with their world, in your mind then the conversations will feel shallow and the voice will only be your own.

As far as your pointed out areas of interest, numbers one and two are both of great importance to the topics I have mentioned above. Before you can write what they say, you must first know who they are. A big part of who someone is, is not only what they are and where they come from, but how other areas and people view them. The views of others have a large influence on us, so would it not make sense that your characters would be influenced as well. Our opinions and views of your races wont do you much good, concentrait on your races, their customs, religions, language, and physical features. All of these factors will effect the way other cultures view then, and in turn that will effect how they view others. If they are not well accepted by others, then they may be untrusting, or biased against certain people. Also they could have the opposite effect, the glares of others could cause them to be overly compensating to prove their worth, or shed some light on the shadows other precieve them with.

Basically my advice to you is to sit down and spend about a week and dont write anything in your story. Write, by all means write as much as you can, but write instead on the interactions between races or the charicteristics of the people in your story. Hopes, fears, dreams, likes, dislikes, hot button issues, and any other distinguishing aspects of their personality. Write so much that when you close your eyes you can see them as a person standing in front of you. That is when you will be ready to handel a conversation from their point of view.

I hope that the information and opinions I have expressed will be of some assistance to you. Thank you for letting me read your work.


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You cannot defeat your shadow. That doesn't mean you shouldn't fight. The pen is our sword, and the page our battle cry.

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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
For a first haiku this is rather impressive, your concept of the image is clearly conveyed, and the depth is spot on. This is a great piece, because a lot of people choose to look much deeper into a piece then the writer ever did, and this haiku is perfectly in line with that phenomenon. I could draw conclusions based on the imagery here such as, the cows expression is commenting on the way they are treated in corporate America, or even a comment on the state of animal right in meat processing plants. You could also draw the conclusion that the observer and the observed are viewing each other in much the same way, this could lead to conclusions based on the way we perceive the intelligence level of animals. All of this can be inferred from your piece, but I don't think any of it was there at its creation. So in essence you have created a haiku who's whole is greater then the sum of its parts, that is in essence the main point of poetry in my opinion. The only reason I did not give you 5 stars is because I think you should add a second haiku and show them together, this one from the perspective of the cow looking at the person. Thank you for allowing me to view your work.

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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great story, simply beautiful in its idea, construction, and placement of plot points. There is in my mind no way to improve upon this work, so instead I would like to emphasize instead what was done right in my opinion. First and foremost I like the fact that you kept the religious aspects and biases at bay as much as possible. Secondly I would like to note that the dichotomies in this work are clearly emphasized and well placed. Third, I believe you captured and conveyed the anomic sensation well, not many people can do that justice. Lastly, your skill in representation of events and placements using limited linguistic tools, without overbearing us with monotone paragraphs, or leaving us unsatisfied, is phenomenal. Thank you very much for allowing me to read your work.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think this is a great beginning to a book, throughout the whole part you have above my attention never wavered once. This shows your skill in painting a beautiful picture. There is only one area that I believe you could improve upon, it is your tendency to tell us an event rather then show it to us. Your descriptions are beautiful, but I find them to be a bit monotone. Rather then describe the colors seen in the plumage try creating an analog for your imagery. So instead of saying "Ethan reached out and removed the top of the egg shell, revealing a tiny little mess of colors and fuzz" try something like. What Ethan saw as he reached out and removed the top of the eggs shell could only be described as taking the grandeur and vibrancy of a rainbow, and containing it within a small newborn chick. Though they describe the same event, the descriptive nature implies more then the actual words, and the readers mind will create a much more vivid picture then we could ever create otherwise. Now understandably your line there is better, but try thinking on the idea not the actual words, the idea that using descriptions in a way as to imply something, then leave the mechanics up to the reader. Thank you for allowing me to read your work, it was very enjoyable.
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Review of A Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A great short poem, the only thing I would change is the forth line. More specifically the I guess part. Other then that, it is a great piece. I am apart of a Fantasy writers group called TGDI, and I would like to extend an offer of membership to you. If you are interested send me an email. Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
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Review of The Dragons Creed  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is perfect, in all honesty I dont think you could of done any better here. I am so impressed by this piece that I would like to extend an offer to join our group. Its name is TGDI, we are a group of fantasy writers. If you are interested at all please contact me and I will send the information you need.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You really have a great talent for imagery. The only reason I did not give you a 5 was because the poem felt like a paragraph from a novel. While it was masterfully written, the piece seemed to take too long to get to the heart of the poem. I am a member of a group dedicated to Fantasy, its name is TGDI I would like to extend an offer of membership to our group. If you are interested send me an email. Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
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Review of I wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is wonderful. It is deep, emotional, and easy to relate with. The only reason I did not give you a 5 out of 5 is because of the flow, it just seemed to me that if you were to break some of the lines in to two seperate lines, the breaks would allow for a better flow. Other then that wonderful. I have such high respect for you that I would like to offer you a place in our group. I am apart of TGDI it is a group for fantasy writers, but we also have some none fantasy writers in our group. If you would like to join send a message to me and I will have one of our Consul's contact you. Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
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Review of Decisions  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Let me start off by saying thank you, for allowing me to read your work.

This is a beautifully constructed piece, I expecially enjoyed the rhyme scheme.

I will proceed below with a review of your poem stanz, by stanza.

In the first stanza, I believe you conducted this piece perfectly the flow and rhythm along with your rhym are beautiful.

In the second stanza, the third and forth lines, although fitting, seem to throw off the flow just a little.

In the third stanza, once again a nearly perfect stanza, also I think your decision to embrace the contraction on line two really made that line.

In the fourth stanza, the second line kind of throws me, it breaks up your rhythm, especiall the part "solid - just foam." not only did this line throw off the rhythm but the end actually breaks it visually, this really forces you to notice the change.

In the fifth stanza, the rhythm of lines two and four are not in complete sync yet, I would think about tightening it up a bit.

In the sixth stanza, you do a wonderful job tieing up this poem.

All in all, this is an amazing poem. I hope you win the contest, I will definately be rooting for you. Once again thank you for allowing me to read your work.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story so far, I think that it is nearly perfect. I do have a suggestion and one comment. I would suggest you read it over again there are alot of misplaced words like our instead of out, stuff like that. The comment I have is that the children seem very well acclimented now that may be because of the fact that they are gods, but I think it would be better if instead you had them come back at a much younger age, now saying that I dont know if that would affect your story latter. If they woke up earlier in life then the amount of time given to them to acclimate and become modernistic, would explain their chariteristics as teenagers. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I would love to read more as you write it.
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Review of Realm jumper  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great idea, I love this interpretation of goblins. There are only two things I would say about this story. You have it set up here as one long paragraph, break it up and make sure you start a new line when ever there is dialoug. The other is remember to never tell somone somthing when you can show them. Evoking an image in the mind is the mainstay of a writer. Thank you for allowing me to read your work.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a very unique world here. It could possibly be an amazing story. A few suggestions:
1. Make unique names for each individual land and culture. This makes you feel more connected to the people and places.
2. This world is very complex, what physics and genal forces keep it all together. As the author you need to have every piece of your world (not to be confused with your story) solidified in your mind. Every single detail, it might help to write it out also dont be afraid to sketch out a loose map.
3. You have alot of information here, it seems like you just couldnt wait to get it down on paper. Try seperating each section out into its own paragraph and going more indepth, this will help you later.
4. Dont just think of what would be cool, create a full dynamic and social climate for your world that way after you create characters or townsfolk you know how they would act or precieve changes. Rather then just forcing your self to try to make them organic. If you do the latter people tend to make characters act a way that makes things easier rather then how a person in that situation would normally react.
5. No matter what anyone tells you, and I do mean ANYONE, do not take anyones opinion as any better then your own. Only do somthing if it makes sense to you. Dont be rude, but feel free to think you have no idea what I am trying to do here.
6. Dont get discouraged. People will mock you or tell you to start over. Dont let it get to you, as a writer you put your neck on the chopping block every time you put a piece out there. You cant let peoples words hurt you or you will have a hard time.

Thank you for letting me read your Ideas. I hope that once you have the first part of it down you will let me read it.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can really connect with this poem, I am in the process of getting divorced right now. It really dose a fantastic job of capturing the emotions of the one left. Even though you are the one left you still hope they are happy, because you love them. And that same love brings pain, when unrequited. There is only one recomendation that I have for you. Right now the poem is set up with a rhym scheme as follows, abcb,defe,ghih,jklk. I think that if you adjusted it to be, abab,cdcd,efef, it would be much more effective. As it sits now the non rhyming lines unbalance the poem, and make the flow stutter a bit. That is honestly the only piece of advice I can tell you. Thank you for allowing me to read your piece.

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for entry "Chapter 1: Rosie" Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like your characters so far, I have an idea where you are going with this story and I think it should be a pretty good read. A few suggestions, you are repeating your characters names alot in this chapter, I assume you dont want people to get mixed up, but in a dialouge what is being said clarifies alot of that. Just remember to include there names in tag lines every now and then, like "Rosie said exasperated by the whole conversation" these add emotion and help people keep track. You have each characters name in almost every line. Think about a conversation you would have with a friend in a field. You know who you are talking to, and she knows you are talking to her so why would you say her name. Other then that I think you have a good start here.
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Review of A Sonnet of Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think that this is an amazing piece. You have great flow, and great rhythm I honestly dont know of a whole lot can be done to make this better. But if i had to suggest somthing I would say that it could use a little more imagery. Now with that being said I would find fitting any more in this piece very difficult. I did not give it a 5 simply because after reading it I felt a yearning for more. As though somthing, some part of it was missing. Maybe it is a little more imagery but maybe not I cant be sure. sorry I couldnt be of more help.
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Review of To Let You Go  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This piece had a much better flow then the last. It is almost perfect. The first stanza could use a little more work but not much. Other then that I would like to see more of your imagry in this piece you seem to be good at creating a picture, but in this piece that skill seems to be lacking a bit. If you could include just a little more I think you would have a perfect pice here. And as allways thank you for letting me read your work.
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Review of End  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a great piece, moving yet poinent. The only thing that I felt was wrong at all, was the flow of each line. Normally in this type of poem I enjoy the flow very much along with its rhythm. In yours there seems to be a slight discord on a couple lines. Try taking a look at the stressed and unstressed syllables in each line. Also try mathing up lines with similar numbers of syllables. I think if you were to work on those two things just a tiny bit it would flow better and leave a much more proufound impact. All in all a good piece thank you for letting me read it.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a beautiful poem, i was very relieved upon reading it that you respected the female so many would turn this concept into a dirty mockery, i was also very happy to see your respect for the women in you poem instead of discounting her as most would you focused on her without judging. I think you have great skill with the pen and i believe this is one of the best free verse poems i have read. In conclusion i think its an inspired piece that i couldn't begin to try and comment on how to improve it. I am sorry for not being of any use as a reviewer.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An amazing story really, i have reviewed about 35 works in the 2 days i have been a member here and that was the first piece of work that i have ever even considered giving a 5 out of 5. It was beautiful, thoughtful, heartfelt, intuitive, understanding, imaginative, and over all it conveyed the protective nature of a good parent, and honestly i thought that was impossible. There is only one piece of information that i can give you and it probably only makes sense because you obviously had more to write but stopped. When i was done reading i felt that the whole part about the tumor was a good touch but unneeded and the follow up doctor appointment was even more so. but like i said that is probably only because you weren't able to finish your envisioned work. Once again an amazing piece.
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Review of A New Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
good poem its was well thought out and very concise in its meaning, with that being said i do have a few ideas on how to make it better.
1. each line seems about two times longer then it needs, if you choose a good break point in the middle of your lines and effectively double your length but you will also make your poems rhythm more meaning full.
2. your flow in this poem is a little sporadic but if you were to break each line into two as i suggested above it will help the matter but you will still need to edit some of the words try thinking of other words with similar meanings or using the same meaning for a line but using almost all different words or a different way of saying it.
3. the visual and tactile senses in this poem are conveyed very well but try to include something about the walking outsider in the poem as well when i read this piece at the end i felt unfulfilled because i still had barley any understanding of that person other then his feelings to words the people he sees now that being said if that was your intention then well done you did it very well and i think you took the best path to get that effect.
once again nice poem
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Review of Piano Song  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderful poem not only did it have a deeply moving meaning but it was something that anyone could understand of the many poems i have read lately yours has touched me the most. I think in part because i can truly understand that characters point of view. There is only one thing i can offer up as a suggestion to make it better. There are a few points in your poem (mainly the end of stanza 2 and stanza 3) where the flow seems to break apart, when i read it those parts made me take pause. Other then that i think it is a great poem.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
this poem is wonderful it could of easily gone to a very negative dark place but every time it seemed to be going that way you showed a silver lining i really respect that and i hope who ever you were writing about honestly felt that way, because to have such grace under such malicious adversity truly shows the power of someones soul. there is only one piece of information about what you have written that i can honestly say might make it better, at times in the story especially Stanza 2 Line 3 and 4 and also Stanza 3 Line 4 where the flow of the story seems a bit muddled other then that id say its a work of art
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
i like this poem it was very interesting you gave good visuals and it wasn't just a landscape depiction but a living environment, you could really put yourself in the shoes of the person looking out the window. now with that being said i do have a few ideas for you.
1. Stanza 1 Line 2 i would change the wording to watching the way the limbs sway i just think its cleaner and simpler that way it also flows a bit better
2. Stanza 2 Line 5 i don't know exactly what you intend this line to mean so i may be wrong but as it is it feels a bit out of place
and lastly instead of saying something i didn't like i wanted to say that your line To anti the climactic i think that line is amazing i never would of thought to use it and it really is brilliant
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Review of The Home Sampler  Open in new Window.
Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading your poem it was well structured intuitive and insightful i don't have a whole lot to say about what i think could be improved upon mainly because i am having a hard time understanding what emotion exactly you are trying to convey. That being said i guess you could say that clearly conveying the emotional state of the person in this poem is what could be improved upon, now that being said it could be that she or he (i am guessing she) is in such a conflicted state over what is going on during the poem that the state of mind is properly conveyed in the poem but i can not make that call as i am not the author either way a good piece and i will be looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
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Review by Untucoi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
the story was short sweet and comical all in all i liked it, normally i would second guess the redundancy but that's kinda the name of the game here honestly the only things i can say about this is it needs a better intro hook to get a reader into it and in the middle parts of the story your pretty much just passing it from one animal to the next rather then that you could have a funny reason why each has either passed it on or dropped it in a way that makes another find it. I think that would be a better way of keeping your readers attention through to the end of your story other then that it was a fun read
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