This made me smile. I thought it was different from a lot of the pieces I have read at this site. It brought back memories of how when I was fifteen and I used to be offended whenever someone called me 'normal'. Back then I wanted to be weird. I think it was because I just wanted that one thing that set me apart from everyone. That was before I conformed to the mediocrity and monotony of a full time job. Before I used to 'swim with the current', so to speak.
Good piece. I can always tell a good piece when they make me think and reminisce about the past.
This was interesting to read seeing as how I have major problems with dialogue and I've been doing several exercises myself. I usually listen to people's conversations to get a feel for how people really talk as opposed to the way I think people talk.
Honestly speaking, I read this several times and I couldn't see two actual people speaking in this way. What major city is this supposed to be? I picture a small country town instead. There seems to be a southern twang in the womens' voices, but I still didn't find it to be believeable.
“Ha, ha, you might not have the looks girl, but you a funny one.”
“Aint got the looks, who was voted ‘best face’ back at James Patterson? Sure as hell wasn’t you.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t you either,”
“Ha, ha, got me there.”
Rarely do I hear actual people saying "Ha, ha". I know it's kind of hard to describe people laughing, which is why I usually tend to stray away from it.
I think you're trying to do way too much in this poem. I feel that you went into description overload, at times.
Some examples:
The thunder clapped angrily, the lightening crackled with frustration.
A sorrowful beam of the sad, sad moon shone,
piercing through the sad, sad clouds.
There is so much description here that it takes away from what you're trying to get across. Sometimes describing things down to a "T" makes your reader distracted and trying to figure out exactly what you were trying to say.
Try leaving out so many adverbs and adjectives (angrily, sorrowful, sad...especially sad!)
I have the same problem with description overload but I've learned that sometimes saying what you mean and saying it simply gives much more of an impact to the reader.
This story is so different from many of the others I've read here at writing.com. I really enjoyed this.
I especially liked the way you ended it. "Each year the pumpkin gets bigger." Is this a reference to the boys getting bigger each year? If so, you pulled it off wonderfully.
There was only one thing that stuck out to me that, in my opinion, needs improvement.
He tried to put his arms around it and lift it. He couldn't even get his arm around it.
You mention "his arms around it" twice, and in the second line it seems kind of redundant. Try wording it differently without repeating the first sentence. Something like, "He couldn't even get them around it." The reader already knows you're talking about his arms so it's unnecessary to repeat it again.
Other than that, great job! Keep it up! :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/unraveled
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:38am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
