"My Summer Vacation" is a delightful tale that brought back wonderful memories as I know it would for anyone who reads this short tale. The first person narrative flowed nicely from beginning to end, and the plot was relatable.
Here are few grammar/punctuation issues that might need your attention.
My parents could not afford a vacation this year, dad was laid off at work,and the plant had lost some government contract and was in danger of closing.
My father, handed me a copy of Tom Sawyer and suggested I read it. the comma after the word father is not needed
At first I began to read it only to be nice to my Dad. ‘At first’ needs a comma after it.
Your friend in writing,
Unimatrix ZeroThe Gate Keeper
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I love a good story with irony, and this one did not disappoint. You have a talent for action, and for this I applaud you.
What I liked most about the story was the enormous size of both the protagonist and antagonist, the vivid descriptions of the crew members along with the aliens of this unknown planet. and of course the ending was great, I did not see that coming.
What I found most interesting about the story was how you developed a scientific theory about how the high gravity restricted flight.
What I thought might improve your story would be to change the beaming up and down process, Star Trek already has that market cornered. Perhaps a shuttle.
What I like to see you improve upon is they way you present the story. You use the word was 23 times and the word were 13 times. This is an indication that you have told the story not showed the story. I suggest rereading the story out loud. This way you can pinpoint the author interruption.
1. Dispite the extreme heat and humidty, he felt a cold chill run down his spine. Both Despite and humidity are misspelled.
This short story brings back so many memories. The emotional struggled was right on the money. The character Dean was developed nicely and believable. I do have one concern; you changed point-of view within the story; toward Sara. I strongly believe that the story could be smoother if the POV stayed with Dean through the entire story.
I have one suggestion:
He knew this was the moment of truth, would she grasp his hand or slowly disengage from the contact. (Perhaps change “moment of truth” to decisive moment..)
Your friend in writing,
Unimatrix ZeroThe Gate Keeper
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I do love a good time travel story. The possibilities of the plot can be endless if one puts his/her mind to it, and you have done this very well. I didn’t see the ending coming, but when it arrived, I wished the character could have been as surprised as I became, but sadly the emotional roller coaster that should had been making warp speed moved at a turtles pace.
The flow of this first person narrative was nicely done. The character development was believable even in such a short shot. I did find a few mistakes, they are listed below.
1. Jumpbay, realspace, timeflow- All these words should be hyphenated. Jump-bay, real-space, time-flow
My Favorite part- quantum-time mainframe- I love the way that rolls off the tongue!
My best advice would be to go back and rewrite the ending. Make your reader's hearts race.
Your friend in writing,
Unimatrix Zero The Gate Keeper
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/unicron1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 8:46pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
