\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/unedau7gwag
Review Requests: OFF
48 Public Reviews Given
48 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
For the most it's alright, however the middle section gets weird.

"You are going to have 234,345,346,299,001 countdowns ..
"Starting .. NOW. GO!!"
"Wait, wait!
"Does this countdown count as a countdown?"
"Why do you think we added the ONE
"at the end there? Now, GO!"

Here we can see that there are 2 voices. I would alter it to something like this to make it more clear as to where one voice begins and the other ends.
"You are going to have 234,345,346,299,001 countdowns ..
Starting .. NOW. GO!!"
"Wait, wait!
Does this countdown count as a countdown?"
"Why do you think we added the ONE
at the end there? Now, GO!"

This is just if you want to keep the quotation marks. Other than that it's alright.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's good. Not sure what I would change.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Open Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Given the format, I'm going to presume this is a poem. Given the words, I'm going to presume this is a love/romance poem. It's not bad. Honestly if I were to make a suggestion, I would combine the first 2 lines of each stanza into 1 though on its own it works just as well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I wonder what this "It" is supposed to be...
For some reason, the arrangement of the 2 stanzas comes off as the conversation between 2 individuals. The first 8 lines are aligned to the left while the rest is centered. I think the structure of the poem is supposed to resemble something. I feel like there's a meaning behind the shape that forms from the text when read far apart. I think I have some ideal as to what this poem could be referring to.
5
5
Review of Little one  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This prose is highly vibrant. Just like what the description says, I found it to be about what it feels like to miss someone. While I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors per say, I would suggest having 1 space after each period. This is less so for mechanics than it is for smoother reading. Additionally "Will I ever see those soul piercing eyes again." Normally that would be an inquiry, but it's possible to read that as just a declaration of yearning, which is what I think you're going for.
Hold on. "Waiting for you to bring life back to it because it's love for you never fades." It's should be its. Right now the sentence reads as, "it is love for you never fades". Okay, so there's one grammatical error, but other than that this prose is okay. The prose does come off as a bit abstract but I didn't find that too jarring though.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
[“The Lord is my shephard.” shouted Worthington.] edit to 'shepherd'.

Chapter 5 - Oh Holy Knight

More like 'Oh Holy Douchebag
That knight is the classic example of what I hate most about paladins, templars, and other crusaders.

[“You’re all guilty by association.” he stated. “Hanging’s too good for you."]

Unfortunately, Worthington does have a biblical obligation to do away with all heathens, at least according to the Old Testament. I rather not talk about it in detail, as it really irks me.

My Verdict:

It's like every chapter is its own episode. I can say this has been very episodic. Hm, I wonder why you wanted to change this. Oh well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oh, so was "Jeffrey" polymorphed into a mouse? I feel as though Jeffrey was using Deal, then again, Jeffrey might have something for Deal to solidify the deal that way it isn't all one sided.

[“I don’t think I really need a horse after-all.” he tipped the hat brim to Deal and continued off, into the forest.]

From that, I get the feeling Jeffrey was an escaped convict.

My Verdict:

Hm. That's strange.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Alrighty, no spelling and grammar errors, that's good. And this time you actually do have 1366 words, not counting "1366 words".

Oh, I get it now! (well, I think I do) "GOD speak" spells allow the caster to speak with whatever or whomever GOD has created, that is assuming they can speak. "Deal" used that spell on both a crow and his horse Jezebel. Unlike those crows, Jezebel seems more approachable in a manner of speaking.

My Verdict:

Having something akin to animal telepathy or empathy isn't evil nor good, but can be used for any alignment. That being said, I'm starting to think the book is mostly just enchanted instead. The book probably has some side effects not caused by its own will


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, while "treeline" could be turned into 'tree line' it's still correct and as far as I'm concerned, whether or not you change that part is completely optional (i.e, such a change would be the same as not changing it, though... come to think of it, I suggest you don't)

"Deal noticed no magical tidings, no hallowed demons jumped out to capture his soul and no vicious threads pulled the boy into the pages of the book. It was only a book."

Pfft, Yeah right. All I can say, is that I'd be surprised if "It" indeed "was only a book", cause I've already got a bad feeling. If that book indeed held some hallowed demons biding to snatch thy soul, then why haven't they escaped yet? No, I believe that if any force is trying to snatch "Deal's" soul, they would do so under a pretense of "only a book". They wouldn't be obvious to the reader, well, that's assuming they're smart.

"The Book:
‘Welcome. You will need to read every single word before moving forward. Don’t skip words, pages or phrases. You, or someone you know, will die if you skip pages."

This here seems to suggest that this "book" is either enchanted, blessed, or most likely cursed.

[“You speak with crow.”
“God permits me to speak to you. His magic has allowed it.”
“Stolen magic. Stolen from God.”
“They say God gave us this magic in order to protect ourselves. Do crows possess the ability to use this magic?” asked Deal.]

Now this part I especially like. My fellow Christians wouldn't equate spiritual gifts with the word "magic" or vice versa, but here "Deal" clearly states that his magic comes from "GOD". Now, I don't know about your religion, but this to me isn't blasphemy, but praise.

My Verdict:
I am somewhat aware of the "Watchers" and the "Fallen" and let me guess, the "nephilim"? Well, the ending of this chapter was better than the first in my haughty opinion.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"He side-stepped to the corner post, drawing closer ... huge, channeled doorway." Get rid of the first "," after "post" and before "drawing closer".
'He side-stepped to the corner post drawing closer to the soggy poles on the left of the huge channeled doorway.'
“I was saying, there was an impasse.” Delete that comma.
“If that ... she wants to leave, so be it.” "it" could be changed to 'It' or 'IT' to add emphasis, but if you decide to capitalize both "i" and "t" then change the punctuation to a '!'.
“What service could you offer me, J... J... [Why can’t I say J... Bre.... I can’t say the name.] What have you done?”
What I've [around] sounds more like mental thoughts instead of words spoken out loud.

Thoughts: I like how you intentionally misspelled certain words and used improper grammar mechanics and faulty sentence structures just to stay in character (Deal). Now, I'm not sure if you wanted all entries you have so far to be reviewed first, but I'll say this: You have a good start, well in terms of staying in character via dialogue (That's cause that was about the only thing I paid attention to other than proper grammar and sentence structure).

My Verdict:
You think yours is long? I've dealt with longer ones before. Still, it's alright.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
As a fellow Christian, I can't say I sympathize nor do I actually care. While I have also lost someone directly related to me by blood, I felt nothing for his death. In fact, the only time I've ever felt anything for another's death in my family was when my black hooded female rat died. Now that, that was tragic. Wait a minute! This is an article! I should've realize it!

Final Verdict: 'No man has the ability to judge God' No, but humans do have the ability to make an opinion of GOD, or is that just a mere illusion? If there's any complaint of mine, it has less to do with grammar and sentence structure and more so on the contents.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The Outcast  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I'll be honest here, I've read your interactive "The Outcast" before and I'm kind of biased towards it. Personally, this was the first interactive that I truly liked, especially the naga story line. Once I got started with #1399758 or Chapter 10 Female Naga I just let the SPIRIT compel me. What's more amazing is that for the entire naga story line, until the end, I did not use the story outline except to find the continuation. I myself enjoyed reading your interactive based on some factors, however, I do have some complaints.

Complaints: Ok, I get that in order for the story to even start, human genetics has to be intermixed with the genes of a mythological creature. But why, just why did it have to be that Bowhan gets seduced and willingly has intercourse right after his latest kill, with a stranger, and - just why?

Errors found: There were some grammatical errors here and there (unless that was by intent) but overall it wasn't a hindrance. For example, in Chapter 1 The Curse, ("Yes," Bowhan answered, but her never lifted his gaze from her boobs.) should be ("Yes," Bowhan answered, but he never lifted his gaze from her boobs.)

Tips: I would suggest explaining earlier the exact reason for Bowhan's treatment of "monsters" other than his occupation as a monster slayer. Otherwise he just seems fanatically racist against anything nonhuman for the most part. Also, keep with an established system, or just make sure the story and its elements flow in a logical sense.

My Verdict: Well, I'm off to read Remus's story line now. Keep at it
13
13
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (1.0)
I'll sugarcoat this. In the first chapter when Jake's phone goes off, I can't really see how or even why his two best friends can hear it. Since they weren't able to see Jake or the phone at first, it's safe to assume Jake's phone is diminutive along with a 3 inch tall Jake. First impressions are usually everything and when it comes to interactives, the logic of the choices given as well.

Tips: Try to make sure the chapters make sense in the way one would theoretically reply or abides by some already established law of science, pseudo-science, proto-science, or just basically ensure that your story flows in at least a logical sense story wise and preferably realism.

My Verdict: This makes absolutely no sense. Why is Alex supposedly yelling back to Max saying,"Ummm... in my hand!" For starters, that "!" at the last line is unnecessary, and how is it that Jake's phone is able to sound through solid objects, especially considering its supposed size? Just no.
14
14
Review of Obsolete  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First thing, you don't need to put in the title name except for the title page. So before "Looks kinda sad if you ask me" get rid of `Obsolete by John Nation`. I was hoping you would reveal Mike's name by conversation, or just anything except for by narration. What I mean is "Mike looked at the robot and said," could've been done better. Ah, but that's a moot point to begin with. "Roy, the DTH-1 has a 20 gigabyte memory..." Unless you're referring or addressing someone, folks don't typically say the person who's being directed by name, moreso if they seem well acquainted. If you were to inform your friend, sibling, co-worker, just someone you could socially talk to without having to wear formal attire of an inquiry they impose, would you really say, "Malin, the stun gun was ori..." I guess what I'm trying to get at is make your characters dialogue sound more natural.

Ok. I've finished reading this short story and `What the Hell? Where's the damn story-line logic behind all of this? Who the hell would incorporate "free will" in a regristry? Can that even be done? Finally, what kind of moron would give their robot emotions or simply a personality? That's tempting fate."

Tips: Try to extend the length while avoiding filler.

My Verdict: What kind of horror story is this? Well, at least the grammar is alright.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

When JIM looks up and states "I'll have an orange juice, please"
Right when Amy smiles at him, Amy can no longer be off screen.
The audience would need to be able to see Amy's face, in order to
confirm the smile.

Is Jim asking Amy, "Are you new?"
- while she is pouring the juice, or
- just when she finished pouring the juice?

When any of the actors or actresses is having a conversation or any form
of dialogue, have either the speaker, or listener, do something!
Besides talk or listen. Have them fidget around, sway their weight, make
their actions natural though. Then again, there are some things in directing
that shouldn't require to be put on script. I.E: The conversation between
Jim and Amy right after Amy asks Jim if she seemed nervous. Although the
screenwriter technically doesn't have to, at least put something in the
directions saying do what's natural, don't just stand there, just move.

When Jim mentions that he takes this flight all the time, he announces someone by the name of Julie who works 1st class. How is it that Amy seems to know which Julie Jim is talking about? She doesn’t even ask which Julie.
Also, a flight attendant as a job probably would make it rather difficult to spend quality time with family.
How exactly are you planning on incorporating the flames which are emitting from the engine farthest from Jim which he would have to be able to see still? In certain places, having a live fire as part of a play is illegal.
Is the explosion supposed to be audible to the audience? If so, do you have a general ideal what decibel the explosion would probably be?
A plane descending like a bullet, (wouldn’t the plane be spiraling down on an axial as it has basically has only a wing and a 3rd left?) make it rather difficult to stand?
How are you going to emulate seeing the interior of an airplane dwindle down rapidly that of a bullet?
On the Monitor:
- Wait. This is supposed to be a play, right? So how exactly is the audience going to be able to see what’s on the monitor of Jim’s laptop? Unless there’s a voice reading what Jim is typing on his monitor, the actor/actress does not need to know what Jim is typing. You don’t need the section about the monitor if else.
The way you have things set up before EXT FOREST – DAY makes it that this script would do better onscreen, not as a stage performance. For example: The whole scene where Jim is typing is alright, but pointless if you want the audience to know what he is typing. Cinematic solves the issue of perspective.
EXT FOREST – DAY:
So you have an open theater.
The part where Rita basically refuses to file a lawsuit for her husband’s (Jim’s) death (assuming he died) is touching, yet even if Rita doesn’t want to be a hypocrite, isn’t her actions @ the time a bit too perfect? While I do agree with her on some parts, a parent in such a situation isn’t likely to behave as Rita did in this day and age. It’s alright from a story point of view, just not too realistic or far off.
Ok, WHO PUTS ON 3 WATCHES!?! Does anybody normal do that?
I’ve been reading this script up to the point ‘ Frank’s first introduction, and I just now noted a cast of characters (just the ones the audience needs to know) is missing. A screen director isn’t going to want to have to read thru the entire script or so just to calculate how many actors or actresses would satisfy a basic count.
Amaxophobia. Huh. I was pretty sure there was a fear of driving, and a more specific one on the fear of driving in cars. + 1 to flowery language.
Progress, I’ve made it to the part where the bus Stan was riding broke down. This is rather long. I’m wondering if you had originally broke this script up into multiple parts, uploaded them, had others reviewed each part, acted upon their advice, then assembled all the improvements you thought you could make into what I’m reviewing right now. On the other hand this might only seem long because right now, I’m reading your script on screen, not paper.
Homeless Guy, a being that lives to torment Stan. By Golly! This guy’s whole purpose is just to harass Stan, I recon.
There’s something about the man that puts her
on edge and she watches him in the mirror. Her sixth sense
kicks in as she catches him staring back at her with a
menacing look. He pulls his right hand out of his pocket:
it’s wrapped around the butt of a gun.
Normally something that would be hard to see in-detail wouldn’t require specifics. A gun though, do you want just any kind of handgun (fake or unloaded, les you want to suffer some serious repercussions & a handgun since that type would be the most feasible for what the man intends to do. Note: The handgun may also be automatic) or does it not matter to you?
On the subject of weapons, the performer’s safety is part of the director’s responsibility.
Ok, I think it’s safe to say Stanley is the protagonist, and if not, he’s definitely whom this play revolves around. I’m @ the part where Rita berates him for hijacking the bus.
Overall, while the way this script plays out in terms of dialogue and action, is plausible, (Trite, yes. Could happen, definitely) I can recommend certain things be modified about the way the script reads in addition to some of the drawbacks I found within the play itself.
For starters, you can try to estimate how long this play should roll out at bare minimum. Put a time frame of how long each scene should take in general. Improvising shouldn’t really have to be said, though I guess I’ve been giving instruction tips on the production overall.
To me, it doesn’t matter much if this ideal is original. The nuances are too bland for me to notice. In other words, this seems like a typical film ideal. I do find the lack of references to intercourse appealing. I also liked how it is that the homeless guy would appear to be the one telling the story in truth. And with that I shall give my score for the following:
Believability ‘characters = 74%
Plot strength = it’s there, 72%
Overall instructions = 68%
I don’t see how this wouldn’t make a film, nor do I see anything overly special about it anyways.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
16
16
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I listened to the song while reading the lyrics, and though the lyrics here are off at certain points, anything musical would probably be best to listen to rather than read out loud.

Tips: Although in your description you had basically attributed that this song wasn't your own property and was Bob Dylan's instead, I'm not sure if it's really necessary to include the copyright at the end

Verdict: Song was so-so


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can tell this poem centers around loneliness, but it doesn't mention exactly how Shelli managed to pull through. All it says is that she managed to pull through (Line 25: 'But still I pulled through') because of her strength (Line 28: 'I had the strength to make an exit')

Tips: When doing poetry keep cliches to a low, particularly trite phrases.

My Verdict: A sob tale or something of the likes I see.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
18
18
Review of Insomnia  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
First things first, spelling errors - none, error in format - non. I'd suggest you'd use a different phrase in certain areas or your Quatern. For example,
you have 'I listen' at the beginning of 3 lines in a row. Instead of 'I listen to a faucet drip.' use ' to the sound of a faucet drip'

Tips: Try not to repeat phrases if you can

My Verdict: Decent


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of Writing Again  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Line 8 isn't necessary as line 7 would indicate that you hate both the pauses and the poems. Based off of line 16, I'm assuming you did this on perhaps your first laptop. Since the laptop most certainly has little to do with the category of this poem, I'd suggest you leave out line16 though you might crave to elaborate.

Tips: Improve on your vocabulary. It helps.

My Verdict: It's alright


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
20
20
Review of Lady Misery  Open in new Window.
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Instead of 'an apple that tastes of cotton
a styrofoam cup decays
a knife made of fingernails
and a dial tone is rotting at the bedside;
use 'an malus domestic that tastes of cotton
a Styrofoam cup decays
a stiletto made of onych-
and a dial tone is rotting at the bedside'
Tips: try to us different wording.

My Verdict: If this poem was supposed to be about the despair that surrounds depression, I didn't get that. This poem feels more attuned to poverty. Your poem is decent.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
While your analysis is not lacking in its content, you would do well to include a bulletined points to basically paraphrase or sum up your main points in each of your paragraphs.

As for my opinion: I would really like to disagree with some of your statements, yet unless someone lacks the ability to feel any emotion like Kiriyama Kazuo from Battle Royale (book) people are prejudiced against others, whether they want to be or not.

Tips: Include a list of the points you want to make across.

My Verdict: I'm guessing this was an assignment.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
22
22
Review by φω ... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
When describing the location of where Yellowstone Park, it's okay to just give out the geographic coordinates for the location instead (I believe doing so makes one look more well-verse).

Overall your article while decent, has a format that is too common, but i guess it works.

Tips: Try to spice up your article next time.

My Verdict: Okay, got bored.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
22 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/unedau7gwag