This is a requested review from the review system. Thank you for choosing me to review your story. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.
 Overall Impression:
Your story is off to a good start. I like the system of magic that you have in place. While I do not understand the rules of it as yet, it promises to provide many interesting conflicts and complexity to your story. The chapter did bog down a little here and there, but I suspect that this is a rough draft, so that is to be expected. Most of the problem was due to info dumps, telling the story instead of showing it, and having a plot that meandered.
Plot:
There was not a clean line of action in this chapter. The story wandered around and there were times when I was not sure where the story was going. Granted, this is the second chapter of a story and you don't need a full 3 act story arc at this point, but each chapter should have a beginning middle and an end. Try and find a way to tie the end of the chapter with the beginning. For instance, perhaps as Torin is monitoring the schoolyard, he could be thinking about his up coming meeting with Kenton.
Style and Voice:
The narrators voice did not seem to fit the character of Torin well. It seemed very youthful as apposed to that of a man seventy years old. He tended to use cliches from modern culture in his thoughts that seemed out of place for a wizard in a fantasy realm.
Scene/Setting:
I liked what you did with the city setting. The canvas tents, the school yard, the book store. You gave enough detail to set the scenes without getting heavy handed about it.
Characters:
The wizard character Torin's character was not well formed. First he was on the school yard as a teacher, playing tricks on the students to manage them. Then he was flirting with a young girl in the bookstore. He spent a LONG time buying those books. If the volumes play a part in the story later, that is okay, but if not, you need to streamline that section. Likewise, if the shopgirl is to become a major character later, the time you spent writing about her would be acceptable, but if not, you need to tone down the lust of the wizard while he spoke to her and her giggling reaction. Kenton seemed like a mirror of Torin with little to help define him as a separate character.
Dialog:
I felt that the two men that were speaking together at the end sounded like the same person. You need to vary their dialog enough to create a sensation of two different people. The girl's dialog was set apart from that of the wizard, but she came across as a stereotypical bubblehead and very two dimensional. I noticed that you used the dialog tag "said" the most often and this is the modern convention. That is a good choice. However, you combined it with the phrase "with a smile" far too often. Instead, I would recommend that you end your dialog with "Torin said." If you need a dialog tag at all. Then write the action of the character as a separate sentence. This will force you to come up with more description of the action than a simple smile.
Grammar and Mechanics:
You had a large number of adverbs. You need to cut them out as completely as you can. I have listed them below.
ADVERBS:
actually, brightly (2), currently, elsewhere, finally (2), forward, fully, highly, innocently, mostly (2), nearly (2), normally (2), only (4), orderly, outrageously, perfectly, politely, randomly, rapidly (2), really (2), slightly, slowly
REPEATED PHRASES:
with a smile (7)
he was a (5)
he replied with a (4)
said with a smile (4)
but i would (3) (i should be capitalized)
he had a (3)
he had to (3)
he replied with a (3)
the shifting market (3)
REPEATED WORDS:
book (18), like (15), few (13), very (13), people (12), looked (12), many (12), books (12), good (11)
MISUSED WORDS:
"Normally, my thinly veiled insults have more affect," said Torin, looking just as amused as Kenton. (effect)
"Ah yes, good old Richard Lathorian, a rather underappreciated philosopher, but worth the time if you can get past his more insane views on bureaucratic loyalties." (passed) (unappreciated)
Suggestions:
You had plenty of info dumps throughout your piece. For instance, the paragraph of Torin's age and description was a pure info dump. Often times you would go into explaining why things were so via your narrator instead of showing the reader via action and dialog. This distanced me as a reader from your story. You used a great many adverbs in your writing and extended dialog tags. You should cut both out as much as possible. Substitute action tags for the dialog tags as much as possible.
All is not lost. I believe you have the start of a good story in there. You simply need to work on bringing it out.
I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!