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Review Style
My reviews are thorough, honest, and balanced. I read each story/poem multiple times: once for pleasure and judging emotional impact, and at least once more to focus on the technical aspects. I like when writers have at least one specific question about their work when submitting it for review. It helps the reviewer understand the writer's intentions and thus provide more useful feedback.
I'm good at...
English grammar and spelling, suggesting improvements in word choice and sentence/paragraph construction, spotting plot issues and underdeveloped characters, offering specific suggestions for improvement, pointing out my favorite passages/characters/etc.
Favorite Genres
Literary fiction, fantasy, young adult, poetry
Least Favorite Genres
Very technical science fiction, romance, erotica, persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints
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I generally only review static items. Books and book entries are negotiable.
Least Favorite Item Types
Anything that isn't a static item or book.
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1) Persuasive essays with poorly supported viewpoints. 2)Extremely rough drafts, unless the requester gives me a heads-up on what to focus on as I read.
Public Reviews
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Review of The Wilted Mask  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "The Wilted Mask" Open in new Window.

Author: Pen Name Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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First impression: Some beautiful lines and images, but overall I'm not exactly sure what I just read

Theme: This is the part I'm not sure about. I'm getting hints of aging (crow's feet, shaking hands, the reference to the Dylan Thomas poem, "still hav[ing] time to find my temple", the title) and emptiness or a void of meaning (fourth stanza). But I'm not sure how it all fits together or what the overall idea of the poem is. An aging person evaluating life and identifying areas for change/growth/reconciliation?

Imagery: I love the first line--"There is a deep well/which holds the clearest/blue water." It's concrete, easy to visualize, and sets a firm foundation from which the rest of the poem could flow. I have a bit of trouble seeing how it fits into the rest of the poem though. There's a bit of a thread of meaning in that whereas the water from the well "fills", the fourth stanza describes nothing but emptiness. And there's also the Rubicon connecting back to the idea of water, but I'm not sure what to make of that either.

There's also the night/light image pattern (third and fifth stanzas). The fifth stanza also contains images of "hills" and "bogs" and a "temple", a "hurdle", and a stranglehold-turned-helping-hand. I don't get a particularly coherent picture from those images--they each seem kind of stand-alone to me.

I don't understand the reference to the "train line" in the first stanza--did someone get run over? If so, who?

Meter/rhyme/structure: Just out of curiosity, how do you choose where to put your line breaks? (I ask most free-form poets this question because I have never quite figured out how to do it effectively.) Some make sense to me (e.g., the first five lines.) Some don't (e.g., the sixth line.) If you have a spare moment, I'd love to hear any thoughts on enjambment you'd care to share with me.

Your five stanzas seem logically organized--the first verse expresses aging, regret, an unattainable (or at least yet-to-be-attained) source of clarity and knowledge. The second expresses a need for knowledge. The third expounds upon that "craving" for knowledge of what will happen at the end of our days, and how we should behave around that time. The fourth stanza is also sort of about knowledge--there's an unknowable thing missing from the speaker's heart. The fifth expresses a desire for change or resolution in the speaker's life before time runs out.

(Am i way off?)

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: No technical errors as far as I can tell

My favorite line: I love the image of the well at the beginning

Overall: I enjoyed reading this poem because it challenged me to actually pay attention and work to find meaning (which I felt good about doing because the language of the poem gives me a strong feeling that its author is highly competent), but I feel like I came up short in the end. I don't feel like I'm taking much away from the experience of reading this poem. I would have liked more sensory metaphor, or perhaps just a more coherent image pattern running through the piece to help convey the poem's meaning (which is obviously fairly complex) to the reader. But, of course, that's just one person's opinion. I'm sure there are many ways to clarify your intended meaning (if clarity is even your goal.)

If you ever do a revision of this, I'd love to read it. And I would definitely be interested in reading anything else you care to post. Thanks for sharing your work!

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Review of What then of me.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "What then of me." Open in new Window.

Author: PaulO Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Hi there! This is a Rising Stars M2M Review!

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This poem reads like a riddle with a devastating answer. The speaker longs for death but can't have it for some unrevealed reason. Even the dead reject him/her/it.

Great use of repeated structures, the "I am" and "there is no ___ for me". The poem resonates through those lines. I like the way you've structured your verses--the varying rhyme schemes and line lengths read very well together. The crypt imagery gives an eerie feeling, the thrones hearken back through time. The echoes of cold, stone halls.

Thanks for a truly evocative read!


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "Query: The Gardener's Daughter" Open in new Window.

Author: Sara Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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Well, this query letter certainly makes ME want to read the book! Great job capturing the overall feel of your story. The query letter format you've used seems pretty typical, with a hook at the beginning, then a concise summary, then a bit about yourself and why anyone should bother paying attention to you *Bigsmile* That first sentence, about Lord Greville doing all that work and then missing the payout, is such a great incident to launch a story from! Consider me hooked.

I think there is a tiny bit of room for improvement in the clarity of your summary. For example, when I read this sentence, "When 17 year old Anne Blake, his head gardener’s daughter, accidentally spies the nobleman having a breakdown in his hothouse, she does not believe it is the flower that makes him grieve," I feel confused as to what it is that makes Anne doubt Lord Greville's reason for grieving, and it's also not clear whether they had a conversation about his sadness or not (did he TELL her the flower was making him sad, or did she just assume it was something unrelated?) Of course, the sentence also makes me wonder what is going to happen next in the story, which is fantastic! My curiosity would be stronger, though, if the confusion aspect were removed.

A few other suggestions:

"As she tries to learn more, Anne is caught trespassing by Lord Greville in his library." Is there some way to make this passive sentence active?

"The lord calls upon her to make botanical drawings of plants in his collection as he has some knowledge of the young woman’s ability to draw having found a rendering of himself she had misplaced." This sentence is long and a bit awkwardly worded. Consider revising.

Consider being more specific about the warnings Lord Greville and Anna get from their friends and family about the perils of their relationship? It's currently written as if the perils are obvious, and while they're certainly easy to guess, specificity is likely an asset here. (Instead of them warning "against involvement with the young woman," how about something that speaks more directly to the overstepping of class boundaries?)

"Historical references abound in THE GARDENER’S DAUGHTER as Lord Greville is connected to the King..." Which king? Again, specificity. (Also, as a scientist, I'm very interested to know which "top scientific minds" appear in the story *Smile*).

Typo: "prim and proper with hints of sex coinciding with plant biology."


Anyway, great job! When I'm finally ready to write a query letter myself, I hope I can track you down so you can check it over for me *Smile* Best of luck finding a home for your novel!!!

Tealynn

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4
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Dragoman Challenge C4" Open in new Window.

Author: Heather LT Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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Plot: Ellie and Toby stop in Lima for a night to recuperate before the next stretch of their journey. They learn they're one of the first teams to reach Lima. Ellie asks for more responsibility, like taking a turn driving the Jeep.

I was glad Ellie asked to drive. I had been thinking about what *I* would do if I were in a race like this, and one thing would be that I wouldn't stop to camp every single night if I could reasonably continue to drive in the jungle in the dark (and since the race started at midnight, I have to assume it's reasonable). My partner and I would switch off driving and sleeping (which is how my boyfriend and I once drove all the way across the US, from one coast to the other--4400km--in under 40 hours!) and we'd eat all of our meals on the road. I'm sure there are stretches, like the river crossings, where both partners would have to be awake and energized, but driving across the desert seems like it'll be pretty uneventful.

I can't wait to find out who called Toby's cellphone!

They suggested she have a number of shots but time was of the essence and she barely had time to pack her suitcase. This is great--it leaves the door open for some really dramatic medial emergencies in Ellie's near future...!

Scene: It's nice to have some down-time during an exciting, high-tension story like this one. It gives the reader a chance to take a breath, along with the characters.

In the next chapter, will they be leaving Lima at the crack of dawn or will they be staying in the city for a bit longer? Just wondering, 'cuz there area few things I would do, in addition to servicing my car, if I were in a major city in between long stretches in the wilderness. One, I would call home. Two, I would try to find some information--travel guides, brochures, word-of-mouth advice, about where I was headed. Three, I would stock up on food and drinks that I like, anything that Toby didn't stock at the beginning of the trip and probably wouldn't buy this time either. If I were Ellie, I'd also buy tons of itch cream if they didn't have any already, and anything else I realized that I forgot before embarking on this journey (she didn't seem to bring much with her, the packing was all Toby's doing, so surely there were a few things Ellie needs/wants that he didn't think to pack?)

Setting: I'd love more details about the hotel room. I've never been to Lima, so I have no idea what to picture. For all this reader knows, they could be staying anywhere from a Holiday Inn to a tiny, locally-owned place with a lot of local flavor and mosquito nets over the beds.

I loved the list of scary jungle animals (poison dart frogs, anacondas, jaguars...). I've been waiting for a list like that since chapter 1!

Character development: Ellie is finally starting to take some initiative, asking to help drive. Not sure how there would be a downside to that (even if Ellie drives REALLY slowly at first)--Toby couldn't possibly want to be the only one to drive or they would most certainly lose the race, what with everyone else having two drivers.

Toby hasn't changed much since the beginning of the story. He still talks to Ellie like she's a child, asking her if she's afraid of the dark, not wanting her to try driving the Jeep, etc. He seems like a nice guy, but I'm finding him a bit monotone at this point. I do agree with Ellie here, about the Nazca Lines:

It really was lovely that he wanted to share these things with her. It somehow made this whole ordeal a fraction better to go through.

But even that makes him sound more fatherly than anything else. I would love to know more about him as a person, what he likes to eat, what kind of medicine he practices, if he has any discernible flaws, etc.--surely he and Ellie have talked about these things on the drive. And of course the same goes for Ellie--what does she do when she's not trying to protect her sister from monstrous men?

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: Great, as always. Just one thing:

“I can do all of the on-road driving,” she quipped. Is "quip" the right word here?

My favorite thing about this section: The concrete details about Toby's changing route, and the rational actions like stopping to service the Jeep. Those kinds of things make the race seem very real.

Sucking in a breath, she bolted up right. It was a big, hairy tarantula! Shuddering, she inspected it carefully and deduced that it was no threat to her. This part rang so true to me. I spent a summer as a camp counselor, and we lived outside in permanent tents, and gigantic wolf spiders would constantly be hanging above our cots (on the INSIDE of the tent!). Eventually you just realize that there's nothing you can do about them! That whole paragraph was great--I felt really close to Ellie there.

Overall: These beginning sections have set up quite an exciting story! I wonder if/when Toby and Ellie will run into McKenna and his partner...

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5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "Dragoman Challenge C3" Open in new Window.

Author: Heather LT Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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Plot: The race begins! Ellie and Toby endure the pre-race chaos around them, then drive off into the jungle after the starting gun blast at midnight. They drive for a while (Ellie slowly acclimating to the bumpiness of the ride, her first real taste of the adventure she'd gotten herself into) and then sleep in the car. In the morning, Toby introduces Ellie to jungle living--no bathrooms, no masking your body odor with smelly spray, bugs everywhere. They drive on, having to stop and pull the Jeep out of some mud (into which Ellie face-plants, to Toby's amusement), then they bathe in a waterfall pool and set up camp next to it for the night, Ellie's first camping experience.

Great start, full of trouble and excitement and bonding moments for Toby and Ellie. It felt very realistic to me. I like how the race starts out on a good note--nothing catastrophic happens, just small things that probably boost Ellie's confidence when she's able to be helpful in overcoming them. I'm sure much more danger is in store, and this relatively low-key beginning will help throw that danger into stark contrast when it finally happens.

Toby drove the route he’d taken on previous races. A direct route from Medellin to Lima with only two scheduled stops: Guatape, which wasn't too far away from their current location, and Huaraz, a city in Peru located over a thousand miles away. I LOVED the specificity of this detail. This is the first time I felt truly oriented in the story. It would be great if there was more of this!

They reached Guatape in no time at all, but they didn't stop to rest. Instead, Toby gave Ellie a short tutorial on how to use the satellite phone so she knew how to check in with headquarters or call for help if necessary. Three hours later as they traipsed on, she had memorised the procedure. What did they do for the three hours they were there, besides try out the phone?

Scene: Quick-paced action made these scenes exciting, but I wished to spend a bit more time in Ellie's head, feeling her reactions, her rationalizations, her emotional response to all the things that happened. There is plenty of action--the story would not be slowed by expressing Ellie's thoughts along the way.

...Toby woke up with a start. Halfway through this chapter, we briefly enter Toby's point of view. Unless there's a reason for this, I'd suggest staying in Ellie's point of view the whole time. Maybe you could have her wake up in the morning with Toby expressing how flabbergasted he was that she slept through the howler monkeys.

Setting: I loved all the details of the jungle here! The crunching twigs, the howler monkeys, the waterfall, the bugs, the humidity, the soft clay mud along the banks of the flooded river.

I had a bit of a hard time visualizing the start of the race. For example, are the people milling around just the contestants and some race organizers, or is there an audience of some sort, the racers' family and friends, maybe? A bit more detail would help the reader be fully present in this exciting moment.

Character development: Ellie and Toby seem to be getting along well. I wonder if any complications will arise in their relationship...!

Some questions and observations:

“They say it makes things more interesting,” replied Toby Who's "they"?

Having resigned herself to fate, her nerves were steel. This seems to contradict her nibbling on her bottom lip in the previous paragraph.

"Don't let the chaos worry you," Toby smiled. "It’s just last minute panic." This is the third time Toby has said something of this nature, and Ellie has never offered him a response. I want her to say something to him, ANYTHING really. (Ideally I'd like her to say, "I'm NOT worried--stop treating me like a child!" But if she does appreciate his protectiveness, it would be great if that could be indicated somehow.)

He escorted her to do her business at the back of the jeep. To what extent did he "escort" her? Sounds like he stood there the whole time rather than just showing her where she should go. I'd be a little uncomfortable with that if I were her.

“No chance of a change of clothes?” she asked... Why would she assume this?

The task of connecting the chains to a nearby tree to winch the jeep out of the sticky situation fell to Ellie. I feel like there should be a conversation surrounding this. Between the two of them, Ellie is clearly NOT the best person for this job. Did Toby want this to be a sort of initiation for her? Did she protest at all? This would be a great opportunity to further develop the characters and their relationship.

Ellie didn't sleep well at all, preferring the extra safety the jeep offered. Why wouldn't she sleep in the Jeep if she wanted to? Her motive for staying in the tent could be explored here--maybe she wants to toughen up, take advantage of the opportunity to sleep in a tent in the jungle? Or maybe she wants to impress Toby? Or maybe she's too embarrassed to ask to sleep in the Jeep?

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: Clean and clear, as always!

My favorite thing about this story: I love that the race starts at midnight!

I also loved this exchange:

"H-h-how d-do you st-stand this-is?" She stammered almost every time she spoke, the bumps taking the wind out of her voice.

He grinned in amusement at her broken up speech. "You get used to it," he told her in natural cadence.

And I loved this because I knew exactly what would happen next:

Ellie finished her breakfast, and then quickly drenched herself in her jasmine-scented body spray.

Oh, and this: The mud immediately melted from her skin, swirling around her like a storm cloud in the chilled water. Beautifully worded and wonderfully specific.

Overall: Awesome chapter! Lots of action and potential for some real, deep character building. Great job!

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6
6
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Dragoman Challenge C2" Open in new Window.

Author: Heather LT Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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Plot: Ellie and Toby attend the kickoff meeting for the race. Before it starts, McKenna comes over and picks on Ellie, leading to DeLuca picking a fight with McKenna in Ellie's defense. There is a short informational meeting, then all the contestants make their way to the race's starting point, where Toby reveals that he's extremely well-stocked for the race. That gives Ellie some comfort.

I had some questions about race logistics while I read. For example, Ellie brings practically nothing to the race--what if she had been paired with a partner who also had nothing (no Jeep, no camping supplies, etc.)? What would they have done? Did she not think about this at all? Was she told she'd be given supplies when she arrived?


Scene: One part of this section that I think could be expanded is the informational meeting. I want to know more about the race, the route (is it flexible or do they all have to follow the exact same path?), the troubles they can expect to encounter, how much of the other contestants they can expect to see, how the race will be observed by its coordinators (will any of it be filmed? how will they know if someone cheats? etc.) Have you considered beginning the story with this kickoff meeting? You could have short flashbacks to Ellie arriving and meeting Toby and encountering McKenna. There's more energy here than when Ellie first gets off the plane, so starting here might give the story a bit of a stronger jump-start.

Setting: Like the first section, there's not much setting detail here, and I'd love some more. For example, hat's the bus trip like--what kind of scenery do they drive by?

Character development: I'd like to know what's going on inside Ellie's head a bit more. We know very well what she thinks about McKenna, and we know she has no camping experience, but I think her attitude toward the race could be conveyed a bit more strongly. Is she nervous, or downright scared, or excited, or a mix of all three? Toby keeps offering to protect her, but it's not clear whether she actually wants or needs protection (personally, if I were the kind of girl who would volunteer to travel across the world to a dangerous place for my sister, I'd find offers of protection from a man I barely knew rather insulting.) I think I'd be more on her side if I understood her mindset a little better here.

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: Like the last chapter, this one is clean and clear and polished. Thanks for that!

My favorite thing about this section: They're starting the race! Yay!

Overall: A bit more focus on Ellie's attitude, a bit more atmospheric setting detail, and this will be a compelling section of the story! So compelling that, again, I'd recommend you try starting the story at this point, and see whether that works for you. But you could also set that suggestion aside until you've completed your entire first draft. I recently read a quote by Kurt Vonnegut that was something like, "Start your story as close to the end as possible." As you continue writing the story, you'll have a better and better idea of where the story actually starts.

Thanks for sharing this! Can't wait to read the next chapter!

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7
7
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Dragoman Challenge C1" Open in new Window.

Author: Heather LT Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Hi Heather! I got your email about reviewing a chapter of your novel. I have this weird thing about jumping into the middle of a story, so I figured I'd start at the beginning. So...here's a review of Chapter 1! I hope that's okay!

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Plot: A woman named Ellie arrives in Colombia for some kind of race. She made a bet with a man her sister is involved with--if she wins, he'll leave her alone. She meets Toby, her partner for the race, someone she had not previously arranged to partner with (his partner had to bow out of the race at the last minute, not sure if Ellie ever had a partner of her own.) She goes out with Toby and his friends, where she surprises herself by assuring everyone that she and Toby have a chance of winning the race. Toby discloses that he knows Ellie's sister's tormentor, Rory, and that he's not someone to be trifled with. Toby also reveals that he booked all his rooms as double occupancy, since he thought he'd be having a male partner...

Excitement and romance! This story sets the reader up for lots of both. As for this chapter,I wanted to know more about the race. Mystery can be good, can pull the reader along into the next chapter, but knowing how much information to disclose and how much to withhold is an art--there's a delicate balance there (and I feel like such a hypocrite for even mentioning it--I'm CONSTANTLY mystifying my readers by withholding too much information!) I definitely wanted to know more about the race, the nature of it. Is it televised? Is it sponsored by some person or company? It sounds like something that would be hard to get into--how did Ellie do it without having any knowledge of it? I felt a bit disoriented not knowing anything about the race. If I were her, I would have tried to find out all I could when I was at the headquarters place.

Scene: At the beginning, I was a bit thrown off by the abrupt change from the airport to the race headquarters. It reads like she just walked from one to the other, but I'm not sure that's true. Did she really go straight there from the airport, or did she get a hotel room first? I think those early, establishing events could use a bit more continuity. Or you could just start by having Ellie walk into the race headquarters.(I was also kind of confused about the layout of the race headquarters--I was surprised she wasn't greeted or directed somewhere right when she walked in. She was approached with some forms eventually, but the informal-ness of the whole thing kind of shocked me. Maybe I just needed a better orientation to the atmosphere of the headquarters, the general feeling inside, the level of crowdedness and chaos Ellie walked into.)

Setting: This is one area that could use some focus. I've never been to Colombia, so I'd love to see a lot more details about the atmosphere there--I want to really feel like I'm there. So far, we've got that it's hot, and there's a deliciously described restaurant!

Character development: Ellie is fiercely dedicated to her sister's happiness, I think (or maybe there's a darker, less direct reason for her bet with Rory). She's willing to do crazy things to protect her. She's willing to travel across the world on her own, to team up with a stranger to complete this race. She's clearly capable of a lot. She's also someone who doesn't expect Colombia to be hot in the summer, and that is an interesting trait--did she not do any research on where she was going before she left? What does that say about her chances of comfortably navigating the rest of South America in the near future? This definitely adds to the complexity of the character!

She's also the kind of person who would just "turn up" for this big race without any background knowledge whatsoever. Talk about impulsive...or desperate...! And while her partner is out of the room, she digs through his possessions without hesitation or regret. I'm confident this girl will get herself into plenty of interesting situations as the story goes on *Delight*

I thought it was odd that Ellie and McKenna don't exchange any words, even though he seems to be constantly beside her, looking over her shoulder as she signs forms, etc. I understand they don't like each other, but they're so aware of each other that *I* was very aware they didn't speak.

Toby isn't particularly remarkable to me so far--we know he's a doctor, and that he knows a lot of other people competing in the race. But he doesn't seem to have many defining traits so far. Maybe slip in some more of his unique traits in this chapter, so we can get to know him? Is there anything about him that will eventually complicate his relationship with Ellie? Maybe you could mention it here?


Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: The grammar and spelling are great--thanks for making this such an easy, enjoyable read!

Some questions and observations:

A comforting London accent interrupted her self-pity. “You must be Ellie Sanderson.” How did he know she "must be" Ellie?

“Wow,” escaped his lips, “I was sure you’d be American,” What made him think that?

contrary to what her slim figure would suggest to men like Toby What are "men like Toby"? How can she presume to judge him when she just met him?

Or the sandy-haired gentleman who tried hitting on her as soon as she walked through the door. This is odd. We've been with Ellie (i.e., in her POV) this whole time, ever since she walked in the door, and somehow we missed this moment. If you're going to mention it here, you should probably mention it when it actually happens.

"When he's around, make sure you stick by me," he said, This strikes me as a bit too Prince Charming. Doesn't Ellie at least have a retort for him (like, "I can take care of myself")? We know she take care of herself, but Toby doesn't know yet (is there a reason she might hide that fact from him?). Maybe he could simply tell her to be careful or something? The part about him not wanting her " disappearing into the jungle" is great though--just the right touch of concern, and still very ominous.

My favorite thing about this chapter: The promise of an exciting race!!!


Overall: What an exciting beginning! I can't wait to learn more about the race and Ellie's reasons for doing it. Keep writing!!!

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8
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Review of the same moon  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "the same moon" Open in new Window.

Author: christo Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: This is a Rising Stars M2M review!

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First impression: Beautiful parallel images, the bittersweetness of time and distance, belief that our connections with others leave a permanent trace

Theme: The magic of bridging the distance between people through shared experience, finding shared experience even across great distance (e.g., the one and only moon), the permanence of memories

Imagery: Images of the moon as a connection point even across great physical distance (e.g., the ocean), images of time as a countable concrete material that can be kept in baskets and separated from another person's time, personal lives as "theaters" (theater-->acting/pretending, and/or theater-->defined areas in wartime), a chewed-off fingernail echoes the shape of a crescent moon.

Meter/rhyme/structure: Wonderfully smooth free verse, effective use of repetition (e.g., "that many times, alone/in crowds, or in bed, alone..."), effective enjambment (especially first stanza).

Overall: I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing it.

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9
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Review of Gray Mist  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Gray Mist" Open in new Window.

Author: Wisniewski_M Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.

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*Stockingr* What a crazy dream! I'm never lucky enough to have dreams that actually tell a story, that come full circle like this one does, and has such relevant themes (loneliness, muted perception). I thoroughly enjoyed this read.

*Snowman* I think the very first sentence of this piece is a bit undescriptive and could be improved. Consider making your first sentence a strong one that unequivocally alerts the reader that they are walking into a dream world. For example, I really like the third line, "She stood outside her downtown apartment building, on the same street it had always occupied." It makes the reader wonder why the building WOULDN'T be on the same street as always--it signals that something weird is going on.

*Xmastree* Consider breaking up the paragraphs into more easily-digested chunks.

*Snow5* The word "she" is repeated a very noticeable amount. Consider revising with a focus on varying sentence structure to decrease the need for so many "she"s.

*Gingerbread* There is a lot of opportunity to strengthen the language in this piece. For example, in the sentence "They seemed completely oblivious to her and did not acknowledge her..." the "and did not acknowledge her" is redundant.

Another example: " She sat on the stoop and looked up and down the sidewalk. She was absently staring up the sidewalk to her left she saw an accumulation of foggy mist, a huge ball." This could be compacted quite a bit by using stronger verbs. "She sat on the stoop and scanned the sidewalk. To her left, a huge ball of fog had accumulated."

*Ornament1r* Favorite lines:
"...she fell sideways like a bike with a broken kickstand."
"The pruning of her hands was already happening."
" She touched the door with her palm in an attempt to discern the exact make up of the grayness."
"She held her breath and stepped through the plasmatic metal as if it was an open doorway."
I also love the part about the mist people.

*Gift4* This was surreal and awesome! Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest!

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10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Title: "Simply Because You're You." Open in new Window.

Author: R L Shaikh Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem Contest" Open in new Window.

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*Stockingr* Hi there, and welcome to WDC!!! I hope your time here has been pleasant *Smile*. I stumbled upon your poem and wanted to offer some thoughts.

*Snowman*Theme: This poem captures the writer's struggle to, well, capture what she wants to say! No matter what we write, it always comes up short of our vision, but "somewhere in between the lines" we manage to incorporate a piece of ourselves, our true feelings.

*Xmastree* Imagery: There are only a few images in this poem, a vague allusion to "A great piece of literature,/Something Shakespeare like" (which isn't necessarily "visual", but the lines did resonate with me and stick in my mind as I read the poem), and "shooting star". Would you consider translating more of the thoughts in this poem to concrete images and sensory triggers? I really like that "great piece of literature" line--would you consider making that into an image pattern throughout the rest of the poem? I also like the line "I've been here hours and days"--that line is somewhat visual, actually, because I imagine a writer sitting at her desk, poring over her inadequately expressed thoughts. I would love to see this image expanded. It's so romantic and tangible.

*Snow5* Structure: This poem reads so smoothly. And I really like the repetition of the line "And somewhere in between the lines", and the slight variation in the line that comes after it. I also love the "something [blank] like" motif. I wasn't such a fan of the repetition of the "shooting star" stanza though--as a reader, I couldn't figure out why that whole thing was repeated. It broke away from the struggling-writer parts, which are my favorite, and also the strongest parts, in my opinion.

I thought about the last stanza for a while and realized it's an appropriate ending--the writer returns her thoughts to the object of her literary efforts to try to decipher what it is about that person that makes her WANT to struggle to capture her emotions in words. What she comes up with--"Simply because you're you"--illustrates her inability to articulate it to any degree of specificity, and perhaps her realization that it doesn't need to be articulated. And that is beautiful.

*Ornament1r* Thank you for sharing this gorgeous piece! Best of luck in the contest!

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11
11
Review of The Life of a Spy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: "The Life of a Spy" Open in new Window.

Author: Escapism Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

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*Stockingr* Hi, and welcome to WDC!!! I hope you've had fun here so far. I saw your entry for the 100 Word Contest and wanted to offer some feedback.

*Snowman* First of all, are you planning to post the rest of the work you pulled this excerpt from? Because I would be very excited to read it!!! The language in this piece is strong and confident, the sentences well-crafted. If I picked this book up and read just this paragraph, I would have no problem trusting the writer to carry me through an entire novel.

Here are some comments on the specific judging criteria for the contest (which the rules say are "title, plot, imagery and ending".)

*Xmastree* The title is kind of general, but I think it does a great job of capturing what the excerpt is about, and even ADDS a bit of context to it.

*Snow5* In terms of plot, the reader can infer several things that have happened to the narrator--killing people, prison breaks, a lost love--but does the excerpt itself really have a "plot"? I suppose if "plot" is nothing more than a series of events, then the answer is yes, if a rather vague one. To me, it reads more like a summary that brings readers up to speed with the narrator's state of mind. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

*Ornament1r* My favorite part of this piece is the series of images--fragile life, ineffective prisons, memories "like water", the mind as both "a place of refuge" and "a grave", "familiar scent", "burning", a "laugh", drowning. These images indicate that the narrator finds internal conflict much harder to cope with than any external conflict he (or possibly she) has come up against.

*Gingerbread* This doesn't have much of an ending--in fact, the whole thing screams BEGINNING to me. But in some ways it does read as a self-contained summary, so in that sense it does have an ending, and an appropriate one. That last line--"Memory can drown you"--really resonates. And it certainly has a terminal aspect to it.

*Gift4* Best of luck in the contest! I would be thrilled to read more of your work.

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12
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Review of The Dark  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "The Dark" Open in new Window.

Author: Oktober Stephens Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

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*Stockingr* Welcome to WDC!!! I hope it's been a pleasant experience so far *Delight*. I saw your entry in the 100 Word Contest and wanted to offer some feedback. Microfiction is a great way to practice some of the key elements of fiction writing. Since the contest rules say the judges focus on "title, plot, imagery and ending", I'll focus on those.

*Snowman* The title describes your story in a general way. It's good because it's mysterious! It could be improved by being more specific to your story. Since the word count for the contest is so incredibly tight, could you use the title itself to work some extra depth into the story?

*Xmastree* In terms of plot, your story focuses on a person being pursued through an eerie wood. It's thoroughly suspenseful and ends with a "BOO!", which I perceived as a joke--I figured it was someone the narrator knew, playing a prank. It was a great release of all the tension that had built up! It's also sort of a twist ending--the narrator thinks his/her conflict is with a mysterious nocturnal being, but it turns out to be something very different.

The first few lines focus on the woods themselves. The reader doesn't even know there's a person in the story until line 6. Is there any way the creepiness of the woods could be conveyed more through the narrator's perception and voice? What had brought the narrator to the woods in the first place?

*Snow5* The imagery is great--consistently creepy! Words like "blackened" (which, by the way, is mistyped "blacken"), "eeriness", there being no noise but the wind, mysterious twig-snaps, and "feet turn[ing] to stone" make chills run up the reader's spine!

*Ornament1r* As I mentioned, I found the ending to be a great release of tension. And, assuming I'm interpreting it correctly (as a prank pulled by someone the narrator knows), it's a perfect ending for the piece!

*Gingerbread* Microfiction is a great way to practice another important element of fiction writing: conciseness. In my opinion, there is a lot of opportunity to trim this piece down to make room for more content. For example:

<No noise could be heard expect for the blowing of the wind.> This sentence is passive in voice ("could be heard"). Making it active, like you did for the moon in the first sentence (e.g., "The blowing wind made the only noise.") would strengthen this line without taking away meaning or effect, leaving room for more creepy images or events.

<They began to come closer and faster.> "Began to" doesn't provide meaning here, so consider revising this sentence to get rid of it.

*Gift4* Best of luck in the contest!!!

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13
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Review of Finale  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: "Finale" Open in new Window.

Author: Unwritten Insanity Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Hi there! This is a Rising Stars M2M review!

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Plot: What incredible suspense! I was thoroughly compelled all the way through this story. I HAD to find out what happened.

I love all the subtle misdirection--the reader is sure the guy has some sort of sexual perversion, but it turns out to be even worse.

Two questions: Why does no one hear the woman scream? And why does this guy keep going back to the same part of town to do this? Not that the town would necessarily have multiple red light districts, but what are his thoughts on the fact that his chances of getting caught, or at least being associated with that part of town, increase every time he does this? It's mentioned that he's a "regular" and that people recognize him and think him harmless. Which brings me to a third question: how many times has he fed his addiction in this part of town? Are these people not on the lookout for a Jack the Ripper? Wouldn't they at least KIND OF suspect this guy they see here all the time?

Scene: I love how you've set this up--you have him walking, on his way to get his next fix, all the while pondering his own addiction in rather philosophical terms.

Setting: You describe a dark street "quiet but crowded" with ladies of the night and their patrons--a vivid, unmistakable locale.

One thing: The guy pulls his victim "into the brick walls and the darkness", but earlier you had said "but the moonlight lights nearly every shadow, every corner." I felt like he should have been more paranoid at the point of contact, or at least surprised/thrilled that he was actually able to FIND some darkness to pull her into. Otherwise, the fact that he'd never gone out when it was so light doesn't serve much purpose in the narrative. (It does add tension at the beginning, which is excellent, but that tension doesn't actually lead anywhere.)

Character development: Not much to say here. The main character expresses the DESIRE to change, but the story doesn't see him through far enough to see if he ever actually does. But that's not what this story is about--this is just a tasty little vignette.

His is free, nothing but his time and someone else's... Love that line! It gave me goosebumps as I read the story a second time, knowing what his addiction was...

Have you considered hinting at where this addiction of his came from? Was he abused as a child, or has he always loved killing ever since he shot that squirrel, or was he rejected by a lover, or did someone introduce him to this hobby, or did he study "beauty" in art school and wanted to find a way to emulate it, or what? That would increase this character's depth by a LOT without wandering too far out of the scene at hand. He's already thinking about his addiction anyway, so going back just a bit farther in his memories would seem perfectly natural.

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: A few editorial notes:

...he has never went gone out with such so much light.

Overall: Great story! Glad I stumbled upon it! I hope you continue to develop it. I really like the style you chose, and I think you could do a lot more with it, make the story even more visceral by expanding on the main character's motives and personal history.

Keep writing!

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14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Top Hat 'n Tails Hits the Trails! " Open in new Window.

Author: Lesley Scott Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: Review request

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Wow, that must have been a heck of a ride! It sounds so exciting! It was so cool to read about how you guys overcame every obstacle you encountered, and only lost one person along the way *Laugh*. Mules sound like such amazing creatures..especially Tophat! You really built up the suspense and surprise when you talked about him jumping that irrigation ditch--that part totally floored me! And I couldn't believe you guys pulled a mule out of the mud using just the stuff you'd brought with you on your casual trail ride!

*Poseyb*I felt a lot of sympathy for Alice. You described her situation in a really eloquent way. You only mention her suffering a few times, but she stayed in the back of my mind throughout the story, adding a layer of emotional complexity.

*Poseyb*I also really enjoyed how you described everything in detail, especially how the mule was pulled out of the mud. I could picture the action very well. I could imagine I was there, watching it all happen.

*Poseyb*The main thing I would suggest for this tale is to make it read more like a story. This tale has all the elements of a fiction story, with the added bonus of being TRUE! Much of it already reads like a story, but there are a few pieces of information that could be re-ordered. For example, consider mentioning that Virginia is Beverly's daughter the very first time you talk about Virginia (which I think is the fourth paragraph). Same goes for the fact that Fred's date's name is Alice.

*Poseyb*I know nothing about horses, so I had fun looking up the different breeds you mentioned so I could picture them better as I read. Consider adding a few more details about the TWH and Marsh Tacky breeds in your story to help readers like me get a better idea of the diversity of horse breeds, and the specific ones you're talking about.

*Poseyb*There's a bit of confusion in the middle of the story (especially around the stuck-in-the-mud part) about who is riding which animal. Consider having strong, memorable introductions of each member of your riding group. You definitely already have that for a few people--I had an easy time remembering Barry and Jim because you mentioned they were coon hunters. That little detail was all I needed in order for those characters to stick in my mind. Consider adding a detail like that for Beverly and Harold, especially.

*Poseyb*Consider opening the story with a different first line/paragraph. Something really gripping. Like, maybe open with the second paragraph. The line that starts with I didn't confess... would make a GREAT first line. It makes the reader wonder what's in store for this poor woman on an unseasoned, untested mule! (And it makes Tophat's triumphs seem even more amazing!)

You've got an excellent foundation for a story here. It's exciting, unique, and validated by the fact that you're an expert in the field of mules *Delight*. I hope you plan to revise this, focusing on making the flow of information a little more linear and story-like. Then, once the prose gets cleaned up a bit, I hope you plan to submit it for publication!

Let me know if there are any specific questions I can answer for you from a reader's perspective.

Thanks for sharing this! Please keep posting stories about your adventures!

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15
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: "Save Fuel Ride A Mule" Open in new Window.

Author: Lesley Scott Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: The WDC Power Reviewers Review Me List

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Wow, what an entertaining and informative read! I knew NOTHING about mules (except the biological stuff) before I read this. Now I want to own one! *Laugh*. They sound like such sweet and supportive creatures. I regret not spending more time around them when I lived in South Carolina! (I even had a friend who lived in Summerville!)

I love how you weave together personal experience with background information to truly make your audience care about these animals. The details of your mule shows run the gamut from charming to hilarious to thought-provoking. I also loved the story about the mule who saved her owner's life. It's very supportive of your main theme.

As you revise this piece, I suggest you focus on the overall construction. Things seem a bit scattered right now. As it stands, you open with an introduction to the donkey and mule show, which I think is the perfect place to start. Then you go on to talk about your one specific donkey who won lots of awards in subsequent shows. Then you talk about a specific class (Coon Jumping). Then to dressing mules (and giving some fascinating historical details about belling.) Then you move on to the personality of donkeys and mules. Then to the bridge story. Then back to personality in general. Then you go back to the specific mule show you'd been talking about at the beginning. There isn't really a specific order of topics for something like this--just make sure each topic segues logically into the next. I guess what I'm trying to say by all that is to focus on your transitions the next time you revise this.

There are some typos--keep an eye out for them during your next revision. Or please let me know if you'd like a full proofreading.

I am so happy I stumbled upon this essay! All your stories are endlessly fascinating to me. You have lived such an interesting life!!! Please keep sharing your adventures!

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16
16
Review of The Last Stand  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: "The Last Stand" Open in new Window.

Author: A.Russell Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: The Read a Newbie page

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*Poseyb*Hi there! I'm participating in a review activity with the WDC Power Reviewers, and this story fit the activity's theme perfectly (it's Fantasy/Animal). Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about reviewing the rest of your novel *Laugh*.*Poseyb*



This is a snapshot of what is undoubtedly the climax of a long and complex ordeal. If you're going to be limited to 500 words, this is DEFINITELY the part of the story you'd wanna write about!

We really don't know much about the plot though. We know Selra and Razeth have some kind of relationship, and that the world will be safer without both of them in it, but that's about it. I felt like I didn't have enough background information to really appreciate what was happening here. Just a subtle hint of the events leading up to this clash would be invaluable to the reader.

Personally, I thought this scene had too much description and not enough story or character development. It was described in stunning detail, but it was like looking at a painting--not much going on beneath the surface of the scene, not much for the reader to connect with. With such a short word count, you of course have to be very careful when choosing what information to include. I would have loved to know more about what was going through Selra's mind during this final showdown (much more than I cared what she looked like).

In very short stories like this, you can squeeze a lot of info into few words if you're careful. It really makes you focus on your word economy, which is a good skill to develop in general, even for longer works. Here's a sentence I thought could be shortened without losing any information: Her ebony hair glistened like finely polished onyx, melting into waves of heart-stopping beauty. Ebony and onyx are synonymous as colors, so taking out "ebony" wouldn't hurt anything (except for maybe not jiving with the style of the bard telling the tale.) And the "heart-stopping beauty" part seemed a little over the top for me, but it's totally a stylistic choice.

Another example: Eyes as red as the blush that stained her cheeks... How about "Eyes red as her rouged cheeks"? (Just saved three whole words! *Laugh*)

Anyway, I hope you decide to develop this story further. Do you already have an idea of what else is going on in Selra's world?

Keep writing!!!

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17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: "Tale of a magic daffodil" Open in new Window.

Author: Tina Victoria Cousins Author IconMail Icon

How I came across this item: The "Read a Newbie" page

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Hi! Welcome to WDC!

Plot: What a sad story! Hail had definite Romeo syndrome there at the end. This is a great allegory for the forces in the world that work to keep cultures separated.

I thought it was odd that, when Hail told Fragaria that he was leaving, her only concern was that she'd have to go to the spring ball alone again. I thought she was in love with the guy--it just struck me as rather superficial that she only cared about the ball.

Does the daffodil symbolize something in the real world? Or is it something unique to fairies? I was just wondering if you had something specific in mind when you came up with the daffodil idea. It is interesting that a spring flower sometimes pops up in winter, hinting that the seasons are not as clear cut as we--and the fairies--may think.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: The scenes in this story are very short. Consider developing a few of them into longer, more detailed scenes. I especially wanted to read more about what exactly happens inside the daffodil. That part breezed by way too fast for me!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Setting: You give some lovely details about Fragaria's garden home. I especially like the food details--rosehip tea, beetroot salad...Made my mouth water! We can infer some things about the location of the garden from the other details you give--we know it has daffodils, we know it's in a geographical area that experiences winter. Great job painting a lovely picture for your characters to exist in.

One question: Where in the garden does Fragaria live? You say she runs home to her mother, but where exactly is "home" for her?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Character development: We learn that Fragaria loves spring, and that Hail loves winter, and that Fragaria's mom loves her daughter and thinks that the different types of fairies are better off if they don't try to get too close to each other. I would have liked to know a bit more about each character--their personalities, their likes and dislikes, etc. More detail would help make them seem more realistic and unique.

One thing I wasn't 100% sure of was how old these fairies were supposed to be--are they equivalent to human teenagers, or are they supposed to be younger than that?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: Each time you use the word "bare", it should actually be "bear." (Bare = naked; to reveal. Bear = a furry animal; to yield; to cope with; to support.)

"This is the proper punctuation and capitalization for dialogue," she said. "Is this the proper punctuation and capitalization for questions in dialogue?" she asked. (Yes, it is!) Keep an eye out for errors in your dialogue presentation the next time you revise this story.

She instantly shied away behind a sleeping lilac bush and hoped she would sink into the soil beneath, but she couldn’t, for the ground was frozen solid, so she had to grin and bare this strange newcomer to the garden. There are several rather long sentences like this--to me, they lack flow. They read like lists. Consider breaking up long sentences with several conjunctions into smaller parts, or revise the sentence to take out some of the conjunctions. (For this sentence, consider something like, "She shied away behind a sleeping lilac bush, hoping she would sink into the soil beneath. To her disappointment, the ground was frozen solid, so she had to grin and bear this strange newcomer."

I would suggest sticking with one verb tense--the opening paragraph is present tense and the rest is past tense. It would work just fine if it were all past tense.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: As I mentioned before, definitely the fairy food *Delight*

Overall: Beautiful story. The overall structure and technical mechanics could use some attention in your next revision, but you have a definite framework for a story that is very relevant in today's ever-homogenizing society. One last note: consider changing your title to something that better reflects the theme or focus of the story. It seems to be more about Fragaria and Hail than the daffodil.

Keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

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18
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Review of Carry-On  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "Carry-On" Open in new Window.

Author: Phoenix Ashies Author IconMail Icon

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First impression: I really like this. It's rhythmic and cohesive and flowing, and I like the imagery and the words you've chosen. It's a thought-provoking piece that offers the reader multiple opportunities for interpretation, which makes it an interesting and worthwhile piece to read.

Theme: This poem seems to address the question of where we store our emotional baggage when we're not, uh, using it. Do we leave it behind on the vehicle that would have transported us closer to our goals/dreams? Do we try to hide it from ourselves, somewhere not so accessible, so it doesn't come out and bother us unexpectedly? Do we keep it always within reach (at our fingertips, perhaps?), there to remind us of difficult times? Maybe we transform it into something tangible, a symbol of something lost/unattainable.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Imagery: I like the combination of images you offer here. A horse, an old chest, torn and battered fingernails, a glass of dirty water. They seem disparate, but you associate them with each through their shared capacity for holding things and the way each strongly evokes an idea or emotion.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Meter/rhyme/structure: There are many richly-textured lines in this poem that I really enjoyed reading out loud. I like the assonance (and some consonance, like in glass/dance) you use at the ends of several lines (e.g., ride/sign/night). I thought this was a really well-constructed piece. It just sounds really nice.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: The punctuation and capitalization aren't 100% consistent. By the rules you set in the majority of the lines (i.e., following the standard rules), Sometimes shouldn't be capitalized, and there should be a comma at the end of the penultimate line.

I also have a question about word choice. In the line where I hold my bedsheets, why did you use the word "hold" rather than "keep" or "store"? It's poetry, so of course you can take liberties with word choice, but I wouldn't say I "hold" my clothes in a closet, or "hold" my dishes in the kitchen. You keep/store/etc. your items in places. (Unless I'm just totally misunderstanding in what sense you've used that word--please let me know if I am!)

I also have a question about pillowcases, specifically pillowcases that I scream my dreams into/at night. Why lock them up if you're just going to take them out again at night? (Just wondering if this line was intentionally written this way. When I think old cedar chest (especially a locked one), I think long-term storage. But the pillowcase line makes me think nightly access. Just something that made me wonder.)

Lastly, is an empty glass with dirty water in it really empty? Was that also written intentionally?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

My favorite line(s): (It was hard to pick just one!) swirling the dirty water/wishing I could dance.

Overall: Beautiful words that stirred my imagination. A few things puzzled me upon close inspection, but one of the functions of poetry is to puzzle, I think *Delight*. I will be back to read more of your work! Keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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19
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Review of Back to Life  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: "Back to Life" Open in new Window.

Author: Fyn Author IconMail Icon

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Hi, Fyn! This review is part of your
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First impression: Really liked the first three stanzas. The fourth stanza broke both the tone and the rhythm that had been established; in fact, I couldn't seem to get into a rhythm at all while reading the fourth or fifth stanzas. I think this is a personal problem of mine--I think I'm just not sure how to read (aloud) the dialogue in the context of the poem, what it should sound like. Really liked the sixth stanza, then the dialogue threw me again in the seventh.

Theme: I really like the theme of a playground contemplating its own obsolete-ness, then being rebuilt/reincarnated to participate in another cycle of human maturation. I also very much appreciate the optimism in this poem--it's getting harder and harder to find rich, contemplative poetry that isn't horribly depressing.

Imagery: This is a strongly visual poem, with the playground's transformation from rusted heap to shiny, sturdy imagination station taking center stage. My favorite parts of the poem are the gorgeously-worded descriptions like ...swing seats cant earthward/grounded into the toe-scudded trough and ...even the dandelions hang their heads. (Reading this poem I realized that, for me, "dandelions" evokes "childhood" more strongly than pretty much any other word I can think of.)

Meter/rhyme/structure: The free-verse structure of the poem suits the subject well. The repeated lines in the first and seventh stanzas bring the poem full-circle. Several phrases sounded so nice they made me smile, such as:

faded to pink plastic seat warms at possibilities
glide without squeak
dandelions hang
toe-scudded trough

I just couldn't get into the dialogue though. I think I find it a little cheesy/saccharine? Speaking of, who is the intended audience for this poem? It's labeled as "family", so I didn't go into it thinking it was written especially for children. That might make a difference in my perception. But anyway, as personal preference, I like the tone of the non-dialogue parts of this poem much better than the dialogue parts. It's hard for me to criticize something when I can't come up with a solid, objective reason for not liking it, but I figured I should be honest.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: It's poetry, so punctuation certainly doesn't have to be used conventionally, but two marks that I didn't quite understand were the ellipsis in the first stanza and the semicolon in the sixth. Can you explain to me how you chose those punctuation marks to put there? I like to learn about poetic techniques by asking poets themselves, so I hope you can share your wisdom with me *Delight*.

Apart from those two questions I have, I found this poem to be polished and very clearly-written.

My favorite line:
...needing laughter rivets, giggle paint, toe-touching the clouds optimism
and a good shower of 'what if we dids.'

Overall: The image of a rusted playground is a powerful one, strongly linked to the human experience. It can evoke death, or poverty, or oppression. But scrape the rust off, and suddenly the world looks significantly less bleak *Delight*. Thanks for sharing this!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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20
20
Review of birthday cake  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title: "birthday cake" Open in new Window.

Author: Rhyssa Author IconMail Icon

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Theme: Sometimes we know what's good for us but are powerless against the allure of immediate gratification *Delight*. This poem creates interesting layers of tension (health dangers) and lightheartedness (confetti-coated birthday cake, seemingly the most harmless thing in the universe).

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Imagery: The sensory detail in this poem is really great--I love the smell of the cake, and the way it gets into your system and coats your throat, "symphony" made me think of angels heralding the manifestation of this delicious cake *Laugh*, "chocolate buttercream" made me salivate, "funfetti" brought to life the atmosphere of a kid's party, the image of icing-as-aggressor making the reader not know whether to laugh or cringe, the anticipatory air of the last stanza made me salivate again but also hold my breath...

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Meter/rhyme/structure: I'm not super adept at detecting the subtleties of poetic construction...but this seems like a free verse poem, which suits the subject and allows the poem to flow in a natural way. The line breaks read smoothly, and there was no place where I became uncomfortably aware of the meter--the whole thing reads without a single hiccup.

My favorite part about this poem, though, is the careful word choice and the way you create an entire scene in just a handful of words.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: No errors detected

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite line: Too hard to choose! But I think I have to go with the whole first stanza.

Overall: I read a whole bunch of your poems (once I started, I couldn't stop!!!), but I only have time to review one right now, and I had such a hard time deciding! This one stuck with me though--the sensory details are strong and enduring, and the words are carefully chosen. I will definitely be back to R&R more when I get a chance *Delight*

Please keep writing!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



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21
21
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: "Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial" Open in new Window.

Author: Harry Author IconMail Icon

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Hi Harry! Yet another review for your port raid package from "Power Fun & Fundraising - Sold Out" Open in new Window.

The title of this poem caught my attention because I'll be visiting the cemetery with my dad next month during our vacation in France. He's a WWII buff, so I expect his commentary will help me appreciate the full relevance of the place, just as this poem has, with one crucial difference. My dad is not a veteran, nor was my grandfather--Dad's interest in the war is rather academic--so reading this poem about an actual veteran visiting the cemetery, someone who recognized the names on the crosses, was a close and emotional perspective I likely won't get to experience on my visit.

My dad and I visited the Sicily-Rome American WWII cemetery in Nettuno, Italy, last year--from that experience, I can clearly picture the rows upon rows of white crosses described in the poem.

I will keep my eye out for the Spirit of American Youth statue during my visit, and I'm sure it will bring to my mind the words of this poem.

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22
22
Review of Dried Flowers  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Title: "Dried Flowers" Open in new Window.

Author: Harry Author IconMail Icon

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Hi, Harry! Here's another review from your port raid purchase in "Power Fun & Fundraising - Sold Out" Open in new Window..

Theme: This is such a bittersweet poem, an old woman trying to explain to a curious young girl about the realities of romantic love, which is something that simply can't be taught, especially to a little kid who has absolutely no frame of reference--she gets her notions of love from Disney movies, where everyone finds their one true love and lives happily ever after, the end.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Imagery: I love poems with a strong central image, like these dried flowers. I would have liked to know some more details about the flowers themselves though (what kind were they? what color had they once been? did they flake off the pages of the book when she opened it, or perhaps they're sticky? what book were they pressed in?), to make the grandmother's memories more tangible to the reader. I also loved the other attic images, the "cedar chest" (which elicits a fragrance as well as an image), "age-spotted letters",

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Meter/rhyme/structure: The short lines make this poem read very choppily to me. I naturally put a short pause at the end of each line (should I be doing that?), and I guess I expect each line to be a complete unit/phrase/thought. But in lines like "“No, dear, I hadn’t even met your/grandfather way back then," "Memories pour forth from the/deep recesses of her mind," and "I wore this corsage to my senior/prom dance. The love of my life" seem like they were split just to satisfy the line syllable count. (In contrast, I thought the first stanza was very smooth, with line breaks in completely natural places.)

I found the first sentence of the third stanza rather wordy--I felt myself taking mental breaths as I read it.

The grandmother's dialogue in the penultimate stanza lacked rhythm when I read it. The words are beautiful, but to me it read more like a novel excerpt than a poem. It is very direct.

I like the free-verse style you chose for this subject. A good style for catching an impromptu, unstructured moment in time like this.

At first glance, the reader expects the poem to be about "the young girl", since she is mentioned first, and in those exact words, in the first line of the poem. But then, the focus shifts to the grandmother and goes into her thoughts. Would you consider reworking the first stanza so that it is more obvious that the grandmother is really the subject of the work?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: No errors detected

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Overall: I love the subject and the tone of the poem and the imagery, but the language of the poem did not speak to me. It reads more like a short prose piece than a poem; it's very direct rather than abstract/metaphorical. It's a beautiful scene, of course, but I'd expected a different effect before I started reading. I expected a bit more sensory detail, especially about such vivid, painful memories as these. I was also expecting a deeper treatment of the generational and experiential gap between the grandmother and her granddaughter. What an interesting, painful, global topic. The grandmother must have felt completely isolated in her pain in that moment, since the girl did not (COULD not) understand the cause of her sadness.

Anyway, I found the subject of this poem very inspiring. Both of your poems I've read have made me think deeply about life and perspectives. I greatly appreciate the food for thought.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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23
23
Review of Night Music  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: "Night Music" Open in new Window.

Author: Fyn Author IconMail Icon

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*Ribbong*This is a WDC Contestants Raid Review!*Ribbong*


Theme: This is a beautiful snapshot of a moment before sleep on a cold winter night. I sleep with my window open in wintertime--I love being bundled up against the cold--so this poem spoke to me *Delight*.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Imagery: This poem is one big, chilly image with a windchime soundtrack. In fact, it touches all the senses (even smell--the phrase "midnight air" triggers a scent memory for me--midnight winter air always smells like snow, even when there's no snow around or in the forecast) I especially like "winter window" and "feathered down comfort".

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Meter/rhyme/structure: As far as I can tell, this is a free-verse poem. It reads smoothly, the language is economical (no wasted words), and a bit of assonance and consonance add to the lullaby quality of the poem.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: Reververate => reverberate?

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Overall: I don't really have any constructive comments--the poem didn't hit me with any real force, but that's just because of the subject matter, not any flaw in the writing itself. It was a beautiful piece to read, and the subject is something I can personally relate to and appreciate, which added to my enjoyment of the poem *Delight*.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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24
24
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title: "On The Importance Of An Individual Life" Open in new Window.

Author: Harry Author IconMail Icon

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Hi, Harry! This review is part of the port raid package you bought from "Power Fun & Fundraising - Sold Out" Open in new Window..

Theme: Feeling like we're all just drops in a bucket is something most of us experience at least once in our lives, especially at times of emotional hardship, like when death strikes at close range. Evolutionarily, life forms are driven to survive, and in our species--which is obsessed with cause and effect and finding meaning in everything, from the expansion of the universe to pieces of toast with vaguely saint-shaped blotches burned into them--that drive seems to have manifested itself as a notion that each of us exists for some unique purpose. It's hard for us to accept that there may not be anything inherently special about any of us, that our existence may be merely incidental.

What we forget is that what really defines our "worth" is the legacy we leave behind, in our work and in our relationships. The world still won't weep for us when we die, but at least we can sign off knowing that we left some influence behind in our own little sectors.

Or at least, those are the thoughts I thought after reading your poem.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Imagery: Cancer and death anthropomorphized, the "blighted house", the green lawn, the herd of gnu, and the vast expanse of sand--the classic metaphor for individual insignificance: these images made the poem both visual and tactile for me. While some of these images are rather commonly used, the "blighted house" conjured strong, multifaceted images in my mind--the house was blighted by the cancer within, and imagining the house itself as blighted--by weather and neglect--made it seem scary, haunted, sad, a perfect place for death to wander into.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Meter/rhyme/structure: I have never gotten a grasp of how poets choose where to put their line breaks. This poem has end rhyme, so that is obviously a strong influence for where the line breaks end up, but in lines like "Yesterday Death paid a visit to my/neighborhood. He came in the dead of night", the break seems arbitrary to me (or rather, dictated too strongly by the rhyme, rather than the natural rhythm of the phrases.) If you have time, I would love to hear your perspective on this. I would greatly appreciate any explanation and advice you'd be willing to offer!

I'd also be interested in hearing why you chose this format for the poem--some of the verse breaks (the ones between the first and second, and second and third verses) seem arbitrary to my untrained eye.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Grammar/spelling/punctuation: No errors noted, no suggestions. This is a clean, easy piece to read and understand.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite line(s):

As footprints left upon the sandy shore
are soon erased by the tide, an individual
life’s significance is swept away by billions more...

Overall: This poem made me think. It made me feel like if I didn't come up with an answer to the question in the last line, then I would immediately cease to be human. Thank you for this poignant, thought-provoking piece.

Please let me know if there is anything in particular you'd like me to review for you as I continue my port raid. If not, I will choose items at my own discretion *Delight*.

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

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25
25
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: "Vampiric Interdiction: Prologue" Open in new Window.

Author: Talicia Em Author IconMail Icon

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Plot: This chapter flows well, and introduces the (presumably) two main characters of the story, but at the end, I was sort of left wondering where the story would go from here. No conflict is introduced. We don't really ever find out who Villahr and the baby are, how they fit into a bigger picture, or what their motives are. Where does the story go from here? I guess it just lacks a hook, something to keep the reader reading (though, for the record, I would keep reading anyway because I like your descriptive writing style).

I think the internal dialogue at the beginning of the story went on a little too long. A few of the sentences are redundant. Consider consolidating/pruning it down JUST A LITTLE.

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star*

Scene: A dark and broken house, full of misery and broken glass. And then a glorious sunrise that goes unappreciated. Fantastic images! I could picture the whole story. And your gradual physical description of Villahr was skillfully done. The description of him was fully integrated into the story itself, rather than being bluntly stated in some random place in the story. Well done!

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

Character development: We know Villahr is an "elder" of some organization or group (is that what you mean by "elder Vici"?) He has a kid that was brought into the world under tragic circumstances. Some bad stuff has happened to him, and he's inconsolable about it. That's all we really know about him. As far as this chapter is concerned, for all I know he's just going to sit and contemplate his misery for the rest of the book. Again, consider dropping a few hints as to where the story is going to go from here.

Villahr's state of mind definitely comes across in the story--his despair is palpable. It shows us that he cares about the welfare of others, loves deeply, and feels responsible for the events of his past. I enjoyed delving so deep into a character's mind.

He tried to put himself in Reveal’s place on that eve — he must have been terrified. His home was being invaded, that’s all he understood, and it was apparent that it was time to get out of there and find a new one. We're talking about the day Reveal was born, right? He probably didn't understand ANYTHING if that's the case. I find it weird to think that he was already associating a place as "home" even though he had been born not a day earlier. (I don't know much about kids though, haha.)

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

Style/grammar/spelling/punctuation: I'm not big on vampire stuff (though the only hints so far that we may be dealing with vampires are the title of the story and the mention of Villahr's heightened senses...and MAYBE his long white hair *Laugh*), but I enjoyed reading your prose. It flows well, and you craft your sentences carefully. And in the fourth paragraph below the italicized text, I really admire how you completely avoid using the word "heart" there. Such a great example of the ART of good writing.

Some typos I spotted and some editorial suggestions:

As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, (period, not comma) he listened to its cries hoping it would drown out the(?) guilt-filled screams within.

...and exhausted breaths from the small bundle nuzzled in against(?) his chest.

The whistling winds and branches tickling the window face, had scared him into consciousness... That comma is distracting--puts an unnatural pause in the sentence.

...and pressed his tiny cheek to the older man’s chest. "Older" seems a curious qualifier here--the only other person in the room for him to be older than is the baby, and of course that goes without saying. Consider rewording a little--when you say "older", do you mean he's middle-aged, or even older than that? Another thing to consider is whether knowing his age is really important for the reader at this point in the story.

The small cinders hit the mesh curtain surrounding it and dropped to the ground...

Villahr lifted the hand not supporting Reveal’s bitty backside and stretched his digits, his index finger coming very close, but within a narrow margin of the flesh, he pulled back. First of all, "bitty" is adorable, but it kinda doesn't conform to the tone of the piece, in my opinion. We're utterly submersed in Villahr's darkest thoughts, and then there's a...bitty baby butt.... Second, the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. The way the sentence is set up, "flesh" seems to refer to the baby's backside, since that was the last "flesh" mentioned.

Despite the slight chill that seeped in through a crack in the pane he’d found to replace the horribly splintered one that once occupied the space, the room was exactly the same as it was. So, with the pane with the single crack in it, it's now COLDER than it was with the "horribly splintered" pane? Seems to me like there would be LESS of a draft. Consider rewording?

Villahr hardly laid eyes upon his child anymore...

However, there are certain things better left cloaked in darkness, and from now on - Villahr knew... Hyphen should be a comma.

...it was about Reveal's safety...

The sight brought pain and sadness, yet his eyes would not turn from it...

His fare fair, white skin shone...

         Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

My favorite thing about this story: The descriptions of the scene--all five senses are evoked. It really drew me in.

Overall: I enjoyed this story. I got pretty into it as I read. However, it seemed to be building up to something that never happened. It's just the prologue, of course, but to me it read like a stand-alone scene--it doesn't give much direction. It introduces characters, which is great, but I'm not sure it serves the function of a prologue. Could you combine this with your chapter 1, or does Chapter 1 involve a large time shift and/or a shift to a new set of charcters? If you can't combine it, consider dropping more hints as to WHY this prologue is important to the rest of the story--WHY does the reader need to have knowledge of this evocative scene?

Let me know if you questions about any of my comments, and please post Chapter 1 soon!!!

         Overall Rating(/5): *Star**Star**Star**Star*

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