I really like this, and I think the imagery of a man who's unable to get the attention of a woman from across a crowded room; a romance squashed before it can begin, comes through most strongly. If I really wanted to nitpick, I could say that the poem is a bit more direct and to-the-point than I normally like, but in this case, it would have been hard to express feelings like these any less directly. I hope you'll keep writing.
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