Excellent read. Love, love, love the meaning and use of your, “If you’re dying to do something, do it before you’re dying.” sentence!
I also love how you use active voice over passive, your descriptions are unique and vivid, and your main character, Bill, speaks to all of us. Your story has universal appeal.
My main suggestion address attribution. Many of yur dialogue sentences are correct, but not all of them are.
Your sentence, “You’ve got to be kidding.” Bill said... should have a comma instead of a period after the word kidding.
Your sentence, “Yes.” Bill replied,..." replace period with comma after the word yes.
Oh, I'll be highlighting this item in my next writing.co short story newsletter.
Great read! I loved your entry. I did see a typo or two:
...You should be thankful I manage to step... It almost reads like it is past tense except for the word "manage". maybe if you insert the word, "always" in front of manage.
another sentences, "They couldn’t see what I see" I think would read better with the past tense, "saw".
However, these are only suggestion. It was a wonderful read and I especially liked how you wrapped it up. As a reader, I was second-guessing possible endings and didn't come up with yours, which made it all the more pleasant.
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
For me, this sums up everything, "Don’t just hope that 2010 is a good year... make it a good year." What a powerful sentence and "exclamation point" to end your Dear Me letter on.
Well organized, well-written, motivational, thorough...solid read.
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
Cute! a fun read. That stand up thingy? oh my gosh, you've got guts! I am so inspired. If you can to that everyday? why can't I take a stab at MY goals. Thank you for inspiring me to try harder, write deeper, live larger.
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
I'm reviewing this as a judge in the "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"
I loved your humorous approach in this letter. It made for a very fun read. I agree with you on NaNo. I've done it for three years now and am always amazed at how much I get down when I let my inner editor take a break and let my muse take the helm.
Solid goals and a wonderful read!
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
What a fantastic read! Creative --you had me at word ONE and held my attention throughout! I was laughing(because of your humor) and dying to read more. And at the end, I thought, "No. I want more!
Absolutely brilliant! Good luck with everything you do in 2010.
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
I'm reviewing this as a judge in the "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"
What a complete joy to read. I love your style in this one. Your talk to yourself was sincere and funny and filled with wonderful goals.
You are an awesome person and that shows through in your writing!
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
I absolutely loved your inspirational letter to yourself. You did a beautiful job of capturing the interest of the reader while being candid, revealing very personal aspects of your life(your niece’s baby, the death of your ex-husband, your co-workers…I admire such courage. Your closing line makes this letter for me: As long as you draw breath, you can choose to be happy.
Furthermore, I think your plan of “attack” is on the mark. I wish you the best of luck in 2010.
I did catch a few typos: space between the word ‘me’ and your comma. Space between any and more; space between any and thing. These are one.
These are minor mistakes. Remember, remember, remember…Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
No one likes to victim of a scam. As writers, we never want to fall prey, especially after we've worked hard and invested time, money, talent into a project...Here is a list of web site links to help you do just that --protect yourself.
Thanks for making our research work easier.
hugs,
Robin
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What a nice tale of a youngster learning how to cope with the death of his father.
I do have some suggestion but don't edit until after the winners are announced.
It's difficult for the reader to keep up with no paragraph spacing. One of the ways to keep a reader's interest is through presentation. double spacing helps heaps here.
suggestions:
make the following two sentences --Maybe it was an illusion[period] Or[comma] was I crazy?
Before I could ponder it's[no apostrophe] its mystery anymore, I heard my mother calling for me.
...my mother[comma}s voice confirmed
Read your work out loud. It gives you a better understanding of what the reader is seeing, feeling, "getting".
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
What a captivating read. Everything is perfect here; the narrative, the plot, the climax. Your dock scene is better than textbook. Awesome description...dialouge. Every word, every nuance, all fits together to engage the reader on several levels.
What a stunning, powerful piece!
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
What a treat this story was for me to read. Your dialogue and description are on the money. The action scenes build suspense and then the, "whew," at the ending. Great read.
oh, by the way...i'll be featuring this in april 29th's version of Action/Adventure Newsletter.
My favorite paragraph: He cocked his head, as if not understanding. I bolted from my seat. He spun his rifle around, as if to head butt me. I dived for his feet, knocking him off balance. We collapsed on the floor of the truck bed, grunting and groaning from our struggle. His rifle flew across the floor. Lunging for his holster, I withdrew his pistol. He grabbed my wrist. The whites of his eyes pierced the growing blackness of night like a star.
Super stuff, Steph.
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
Excellent use of dialogue! I love your opening two graphs. crisp and engaging. The reader immediately wants to know more about Amber and your main character.
I have one suggestion, and one grammar edit to offer:
Consider changing this to a third person narrative. For me, Amber seemed more like the main character and then...well...the main character is um, booted out of your story. Rule of thumb, never kill off your main character. However, this is only a suggestion, you the author must do what feels right to you and this story.
Grammar- has to do with attribution; aka dialogue tags --I noticed a few: When the tag comes first, you must follow it with a comma. Ex. Judy looks at Laney and says, “Okay. Let’s take my car.” When the tag follows the quotation, two things happen: The tag begins without capitalization. Ex. “No,” she says, fingers still typing at the keyboard. The quotation ends with a comma. In other words, the comma replaces the period at the end of the quote. “No,” she says, fingers still typing at the keyboard.
If the tag breaks up the quotation, then the quotation will carry on without capitalization. Ex. “Are you,” she pauses to glance down at his mismatched socks, “okay?”
I LOVED reading this. Your quick crisp writing is refreshing!
Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
Your opening graph is nice, but letting the reader know who "she" is right off the bat sharpens your opening. Unless there's a reason to hide this information from the reader, there's no real reason to prolong telling.
...made Grace curl her toes...
Also, you might want to provide the following information in the narrative:
“It’s a big day for her. In this family, turning three is a rite of passage. You’re officially old enough to fish. Our baby isn’t such a baby any more.” Grace and her husband already know this information and is seems "out of place" that they'd be sharining it to each other. Try something like: Grace snuggled closer to him. Kate's third birthday meant she was finally old enough to fish.
What a wonderful heart-felt story you've written. I enjoyed reading about Grace, and Kate
Excellent sentence:
Just a breath of a breeze stirred Katie’s auburn curls, making them dance. dead-on description.
What a sweet story with universal appeal. You did a fantastic job and remember, mine are only suggestions. You as the writer of the story hold supreme authority. . You must do what you feel is write for your words and this story.
Also, Remember; please do not make any edits until AFTER the winners are announced so you won't get disqualified.
I'm reviewing this item as a judge in the "Invalid Item" contest.
What a gem you've written. Congratulations on your first place entry! I'll have to double check the rules, but at one time you could submit more than one entry.
I did like you said and took the first one. Both are top0-notch, though. You are a wonderful writer, Brandi. Glad you are around on wdc!
oh, what color ribbon would you like? (Yellow for sunshine)?
what a neat little tale. I loved reading about how the poor elephants got tricked into drinking the king's moonshine.
I loved your deliver here, almost chidlike. very impressive.
This sentences helps to add suspense: What happened next is a little difficult to talk about, even a year after the most unfortunate events took place. It was like this:
I loved reading this line: It's still a mystery how the chimps figured out how to hot-wire the king's trucks.
You have done a fantastic job at capturing the attention of the reader and keeping him(or her) engaged throughout the story. You accomplished this with the right amount of foreshadowing, theme, suspense and pace.
Watch the overuse of the word "that".
A:That night, I should have noticed that there were a lot more peeves huddling around me than I would have expected.
And really, that should tell you something about a person.
That night, when I fell asleep a second time on her bed, I dreamt that I was back in my parents’ house, but nothing looked familiar. I sat at the dinner table between two complete strangers. When I got up to leave they followed me, asking where I was going.
possible revision: Cuddling in Moira’s bed, I should have noticed how many there were.
And really, that should tell you something about a person.
After falling asleep the second time on her bed, I dreamt I was back in my parents’ house, but nothing looked familiar. I sat at the dinner table between two complete strangers. When I got up to leave they followed me, asking where I was going.
A few of my favorite passages: Adrenaline shot through me and I broke into a run. Excellent sentence! All the flecks in the concrete stood out like Braille, scraping like sandpaper against my skin. Blades of grass shot out of the ground like green swords against the sky, which had turned dark blue. Now I was tiny, and all those things towered over me. Fantastic descriptions. I can see, and feel this scene even though it is out of the ordinary.
My eyes darted to the growling peeve under the chair. Moira saw and reached under to pet it, trying to sooth it back into silence. Very easy for the reader to understand.
What an entertaining read. Isn't it funny? how some of the odd things about a person are so overlooked in the beginning of a relationship? They may even appear endearing, but, in the end they can serve to sever.
Excellent piece,
Robin
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Great read! i'm featuring this item in the For Authors Newsletter this upcoming Wednesday - september 24th.
great visualization in here: Whenever I heard the lonesome wail of the steam locomotive’s whistle approaching a street crossing, my pulse rate increased and I would tug on my dad’s hand pulling him toward the station. is a geat example. I can cleary see this young girl...
I LOVED your poem. Now that my kids are grown and out of the house, this poem brought back TONS of memories.
I loved your quick zippy style on this one. how you used quotations in this what a fun and endearing read. thank you sooo much for sharing this with me.
I think I'll feature this in For Authors Newsletter coming out next wed.
What a soothing read. Your words drift me into a peaceful state. I love the rhythm of this poem and the title which ties together the meaning this poem brings me.
my favorite line is: A soft breeze
comforts me
what a soft wonderful write.
thanks for posting this one,
Robin
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
space between the word ‘me’ and your comma.
However, this is only a suggestion, you the author must do what feels right to you and this story.
The tag begins without capitalization. Ex.