plot: A writer has apparently made a deal with the devil to become a great novelist. He's about to start calling the shots on her boyfriend.
grammar: minor issues with punctuation and fragments in some places
characters: Mostly MIchael. We were in his POV almost the entire time. Another man entered the picture at the end, Father. Only we didn't find out who he was until the last sentence. I think that entire conversation would be easier to follow and more memorable if we knew who the other person was right away.
setting: a book signing and then a hallway? A bit unclear on the last one.
style/voice: Good, you did a good job of staying in one POV except in one place, marked in chapter. Michael's voice permeates the chapter, giving it a curious yet disdainfully detached feel.
overall: Questions are brought up about what Gwen's done and what Michael needs from Krim, and I would read more.
plot: Amanda has a demon inside of her that makes her do evil things whenever people bother her. It could be anything, from being told she can never see her grandmother again, to being told to grow up. Right now she's trying to figure out if she'll fit in at school.
characters: Amanda. She has a defeatist attitude, like she knows she can't control this thing so why bother? she just kind of shrugs her shoulders and lets everyone else deal with her. Not exactly a chipper person. She's hasn't proved a sympathetic enough protagonist yet for me to like her. Her stepfather, who through his belligerance, seems genuinely scared of her. Everyone else seems to have given up. I find myself wondering why they haven't had her committed. too much money?
grammar: a few comma issues. some dialogue tagging problems, i.e., you should use a comma when someone speaks, followed by a lower-case pronoun/noun. I didn't mark any, but I'm sure someone will point them out to you.
style/voice: very dark, evil feeling to the chapter. some tense issues, as you seemed uncertain whether you were telling the story in past or present tense. either is fine, but be consistent!
setting: looked fine to me
referencing: present day, I assume. no real references to anyything to say othewise.
overall; you've obviously put a lot of thought into this world you're creating. very exciting stuff. I don't know that it's my preferred genre, but I think it's soething that is hot right now.
plot: A girl is taken to the guillotine. Since this is chapter 1, I assume we're about to be thrust into a historical?
characters: Robispierre, who thinks he is God, and the girl. I could assume she is Charlotte,but since I think she's about to die, that wouldn't make much of a main character. I don't really know much about her except she is dying for the revolution she helped start, which means she's probably gone though some radical mental changes in the past few months.
setting: France, French Revolution. Easy to see the location.
grammar: missing a few words, commas. nothing big.
style/voice: Check out your POV. Not sure if that's the effect you wanted. Some wordy sentences, easy enough to fix.
overall: this is a fascinating, heart-wrenching time in history. It will be interesting to see where you take this.
plot: Interesting beginning.It leaves me w/ questions, such as why are the boys stealing? who are they? what brings them together? and it ends on a hook, making me wonder if they get away.
grammar: lots of missing commas, noted in chapter.
characters: I got Sticks, Twitch, and D-man, though I was confused whether D-man and Damien were the same person. Honestly, I think you introduce too many. I would leave it at three. If there's more in the group, introduce them later. maybe they do their raids in smaller numbers to avoid detection.
style/voice: here was the biggest hang up for me. You use a lot of repetative structure, and it's not the most natural structure either. it's a adjective clause followed by a main clause. once in awhile this is okay, but it's so different that it's very noticeable, especially when you use it a lot. The other thing I noticed was a wordiness. simplify! cut cut cut out as many extra words as you can. And finally, I have no idea who's POV we were in this chapter.
setting: very easily visualized.
overall: you write well and I can tell this has been very thought out. It's exciting and makes me want to know what happens next!
plot: Crystal meets a spooky old woman who adds more tension and foreshadow to the plot. We also get an interesting look into childbirthing and traditions of the time.
grammar: your biggest weakness is punctuation, especially commas and run ons. Noted in the chapter.
setting: a strong point of yours. no problems there.
characters: I was a bit confused as to who was the oldest daughter of the unmarried, or the leader. Seemed like several vied for the position, switching personalities whenever necessary.
style/voice: Crystal felt kind of weak in this one, just an observer. Her voice could be stronger. What's she doing about her case? or just going with it?
overall: you're a very talented writer and this is fun to read.
plot: the plot is good. lots of interesting elements, an unwanted engagment, seeing the lucky stranger. lots to keep the reader going
character: I feel so bad for Crystal. She is very real. And Charles isn't evil, just greedy, which makes him understandable, as well.
grammar: you're killing me here. the lack of commas drove me to a distraction, and the run on sentences as well. It was like you just forgot to breathe and were vomiting up words as fast as you could. If it's a lack of understanding of sentence structure, there are some excellent tutorial websites out there. I can get you some links. If it's a lack of proofreading, take a good long look at your chapters.
style/voice: hard to say. it felt very long-winded and rambly, but I think that's b/c of the run on sentence problem. You've done your research, it shows and is fantastic. I love the descriptions.
setting: again, I love what you have. nicely done.
overall: good chapter for setting things up. enough action to keep me interested.
plot: I'm waiting to see what unique twist your going to take on this story to make it different than all the others like it. It felt very familiar, no surprises, only vaguely interesting. You're going to need to find a new way to tell this story, one that hasn't been done before.
characters: Don'tk now the mom's name, but she's the main character. She felt betrayed by her family so she fled from them to avoid having to abort her baby. Then she was too angry or something and didn't contact anyone except her sister for three years. I'm not really sure why she did that, unless she thought her mom would try to take her baby away every time she saw her. Which would make her mom a heartless, evil woman, and not a caring mom who just wants the best for her daughter after all. And we have the absent father, who hasnt' had any role in his daughter's life and doens't seem to care about it either. A bunch of heartless people. Even the main character has a grudge issue.
setting: very good.
grammar: lots of punctuation and sentence structure errors. noted in chapter.
style/voice: First person POV. this first chapter was very telling. I know it's hard to show the past w/out a flashback, so I'll save my judgment for later.
overall: this chapter didn't capture my attention. That might not mean anything, though. It just may not be my type of book.
plot: excellent chapter. very intriguing to wonder what Charles is up to. Also curious to see how this unhappy arrangment will pan out.
characters: June is not a nice person. Crystal seems very mature, very real, though non-conforming to the society norm of arranged marriages. that was simply the way it was for most people. she conforms to the whole modesty thing, but not that part. I wonder why? how many people does she know that have married for love vs. arranged marriage? Charles is a sneak and up to no good. Obviously wants to bed her and probably plans on having several mistresses anyway.
setting: perfect. a lot of description, but not overdone.
style/voice: this gets mixed up w/ grammar in here in that you have many run on sentences, fragments, and punctuation erros. these mistakes cause some distraction, but othe rthan them, the story flows with a natural rhythm that is very engaging. has a nice speed to it. you've done your research and the story and characters are very real.
plot: excellent chapter. a love interest, a mystery, a tough bad guy who really is scared of a gun. good job.
grammar: all over the place. it's a bit distracting and tedious to edit. there are great websites w/ tutorials on punctuation, especially commas and quotations.
style/voice: often feels too wordy. you don't write like we talk. this makes it feel fake and choppy. suggestions in chapter.
characters: I'm glad David lost interest n Emily. She seems flaky and fake. hopefully she'll redeem herself. Marty is still cool and gutsy.
setting: lots of great elements in your animal kingdom.
overall: still a fun book. it'll be really great when the errors are fixed up.
plot: David the cat needs help paying rent. but he gets more than he bargained for when he allows a racoon to be his roommate. He suspects his roommate of being a criminal, but then finds out that the animal is an undercover cop or something. We get a peak at the characters but still not sure what directin the story will take.
characters: told from David's POV. David is a cat who doesn't want to make waves. typical bachelor. Marty has a distinct, playful, whimsical personality. we briefly see a few other animals.
grammar: quite an issue w/ punctuation. missing commas all over the place. watch the punctuation w/ quotations. there are lots of websites that can explain the rules and give you practice sheets.
style/voice: most of the chapter was telling, which is quite boring. show us the action (like you did at the end), draw us into it. a few verb tenses that can use sharpening. noted in chapter. also some sentences that prattled on. breaking them up will make the flow smoother.
setting: fascinating concept for the city. very good.
plot: She chooses a name for herself, and names herself after the elephant. yzebel cooks for the soldiers, and she has a nasty son that deserves many slaps in the face. for some reason she doesn't do anything to punish him other than glare at him. is that cultural? she can't punish a boy?
characters: yzebel, a very strong woman who has some sort of refined dignity around her. the girl, who thinks being nmed aftr an elephant is noble and we realize she doesn't remember who she is and she is starving. she's gotten the impression that girls are second class. and the boy, who obviously thinks he is king of the world. I wonder what his position is.
settting: excellent. very neat descriptions of the food and what not.
referencing: looked good.
grammar: minor issues. noted in chapter.
style/voice: this flowed very well and is written in a very active voice. It feels very present.
overall: I enjoyed reading this. It feels very realistic and factual, though I have no idea if it is or not.
plot: what an excellent beginning! very engaging and captivating. a young native girl is thrown into a river, where she barely escapes a wild beast, a waterfall, and some soldiers. then she runs off w/ her savior's cape on, meeting scorn and disdain along the way, until we meet a beautiful woman who is going to fix her.
characters: the girl, very mature and aware of herself. yzebel, kind yet defensive, ready to fight for her own. the soldiers, crude and disrespectful. the turban dude and the boy who gives her the cape. not much to them yet, though they are all interesting and I'm sure more will be revealed in the future chapters.
setting: not sure. we're in the wild and I belive we're in the past. feels like Africa but could also be Asia or India.
referencing: I dont know enough about the subject to say...
style/voice: one thing that seemed a little off was the POV. We're in the girl's POV, but she refers to the men as soldiers. a few paragraphs later she says she doesn't know who they are. the entire time we see the elephant as an unknown 'beast' in her eyes, and then she suddenly refers to him as an elephant. there were a few other minor structures that confused me a bit.
grammar: minor punctuation issues
overall: a fun chapter to read. the characters are interesting and engaging.
plot: we're inside the head and life of the teenage girl, who's name I have forgotten. It's not repeated in this chapter, as far as I can tell. It's fascinating to feel her emotions and see her moral dilemmas. It's a simple plot, but it's interesting.
characters: the girl, who has mixed feelings for her father, though she's glad he's gone. She's uncertain about her sexuality and maybe just wants to feel loved and wanted by someone. We only see Rachel through her eyes, and she thnks her best friend is gorgeous, and is also fascinated by the fact that she's been a closet bi for who knows how long. Dad shows a soft side, though still 'i'm the wronged one' mentality when he leaves. And mom seems very clueless and spineless. maybe now that he's gone, we'll see her step into the mothering position a little more.
setting: we see her house quite clearly. I wondered about Rachel's house. then they went shopping for dresses...just curious, were they in the same dressing room, like girls usually are? if so, how did that affect them?
referencing: I didnt see anything, though I wondered about how quick the divorce process is. the same day you file, do they usually kick your spouse out? I assumed it would take longer.
grammar: no problems
style/voice: good, except the things I pointed out, where it seemed to switch from her journal voice to a narrative voice. These voices should be so distinct that the reader can tell when she's writing in her journal w/out you saying, 'dear journal' or something like that.
overall: very much enjoyed it. looking forward to seeing her find herself. (I work w/ children in foster care...and they are so very confused about life and everything.)
Plot: Olivia has to give up her baby for adoption. The baby is being taken to a different planet. Presumably O livia will never see her again.
Characters: O livia, the mother, who feels like she’s being forced to do something. Thomas. Who’s Thomas? Her boyfriend? Her husband? Her father? Her brother? It will make it more powerful if we know. It will definitely make more sense if its her husband, not wanting her illegitimate child that is not his. Wants Olivia to move past this. The worker, as ambivelant as you would expect an adoption worker to be. Just doing the job. And the baby, of course, who sleeps on, oblivious. She’s about to leave the woman who birthed her and meet her mother and father.
Grammar: minor issues, mostly punctuation
Setting: I’d like to get a better feel for the hospital. Is it an old-fashioned hospital? Or an up-to-date, technologically advanced place? Is there a TV in the room? Is she in a bed? Still wearing an IV? Or do they do it differently in this place?
Referencing: throw a few things in to make it clear that this is in the future. The reference to different planets caught me off guard.
Style/voice: good. Easy to read and understand.
Overall: it’s always neat to see people’s different POVs and takes on different things. Enjoyed reading this.
I found you on the ABNA page and thought I'd check your profile out.
Very interesting piece, though I found the philosophy behind it more intriguing than the action. you mentioned things my husband has brought up before, such as faith vs. knowing.
I did think it was kind of paragraph heavy. I think I have a limited form of ADHD, though, I can't stay focused on long paragraphs for long. I'm in the exception.
out of curiousity, is the book you submitted to ABNA on here?
plot: this is simply excellent. I am captured, hooked, spellbound. You used family members, two at peace and three at odds, to create a feud waiting to happen. there are plenty of questions that I beg for answers to, like what Vivele gave up and what she did to Radi. And then you left us with a great hook! tell me everything they did wasn't in vain!
characters: Vivele, Radi, and the other sister. The mean one. Vivele is penitant for something she's done, Radi is innocent and unaware, and the older one, while power-hungry and cruel, isn't entirely evil. If she were, she would have killed her sister right then. unless, like Vivele said, she needs her for a future sacrifice.
grammar: minor issues
style/voice: I made notations in the chapter, but for the most part this is smooth and engaging. It is fast paced and action packed, exactly how a prologue should be.
setting: I can see the library, I know what time of night it is. comments in the chapter
referencing: I am so fascinated to find out about their world and the other worlds
overall: great start. terrific start. still a few things that need tweaking, but this is really good. reminiscent of Harry Potter type magic, which I love.
first off, I noticed you didn't rate it. I assume that was on accident?
I'm not a fan of big paragraphs. I think they slow the action and intimidate the reader. For me, I like to keep paragraphs to four or five sentences long.
a hint on commas: if you would pause in your speech, it probably needs a comma (this is a general rule. It's not very specific)
use a thesaurus to help you come up w/ original words. you used "air" in two sequential sentences, and "burn" was used twice in a row a few sentences later.
Good explanations of being soulborn. this was a little difficult to read b/c of the structure. keep working on! good luck!
You have something wonderful here. very nice to read.
a few things, I find the description "soft brown eyes" to be a bit weak. I've never seen soft brown eyes. I've seen light brown and dark brown, but not soft brown. there are a couple of commas, punctuation errors, but nothing huge.
I really enjoyed this. I love things involving soul-ful magic, and involving family. I hope you will continue this. I'd love to learn more about what it is to be soul born.
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