Okay, I liked your story. It's definitely something that I would read, but it sounds cliched. I feel like I can predict what is going to happen to her.
Your writing is okay. It's not bad, but it does need work. The writing didn't flow very well. There were grammatical error as well as punctuation errors. If your writing did flow and you neatened it up a bit, then I would be happy to read the second chapter or whatever is the next part. It was kind of long, but it was nice and kept me reading--if not as strongly as I would've liked. It was still good.
A side note. I'm a new writer as well. But thoughts are put into quotations.
Your characters were also somewhat cliched. Carrie wasn't a very unique or memorable character. You should flesh her out more and give her a uniqueness or a quality that no one would've expected her to have--this spoiled, blonde haired, blue eyed hottie. Do you see what I mean? Another problem I had was with the past and present tenses. You should stick with one or make it clear when you're going into the past. I kept getting confused because sometimes she talked in the present tense, but other times she talked in the past tense. Also, you don't need to write where they are. That hinders the readers attention, you could just instead inlace in in your writing. For example, in the last part you could've started the sentence like this: On the car ride to the airport, or On the way to the airport.... And then continued.
Another thing is the descriptions. You used too many descriptions when describing the inconsequential things--like her clothes or the outfits or the music, you don't need so many descriptions there. It'll distract the reader and make them forget what you were talking about. Trust me, I used to do it all the time. And then on other parts you didn't describe the things so well or give as many descriptions.
Whoo! That's long. Anyways, I hope I helped. Overall, I would read the story if you cleaned it up a bit--did some editing.
I don't really care for the gift points so I'll just send them back to you. But in return I would like you to read a new novel that I'm working on. It's called Death--the novel. Also, if you could read the prologue too--they should be about the same length as your work. I just put them seperately, but they go together. Thank you! When you're done with the second part, then email me and I'll read it.
There are to many pauses in the story and you're using way to many commas. trust me i know, i use to many commas all the time. it sounds like a nice story and i would like to see the rest of it, but the grammer is off a bit.
either way it sounds interesting. i hope you can rate my item too.
i'm also writing a novel or story; what ever you want to call it and i have an excerpt from the story as well. except i'm revising it a bit more; like i said, i use to many commas too.
i'm going to add new items soon, hopefully.
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