Here is a list of what I have noticed needs to be fixed:
(it is all in order so you can find it easy in your writing)
grammar: "Torrents or water rushed through the streets" Needs to be of instead of or.
Inaccuracy: "People went hurriedly about their business trying their hardest to stay dry and warm with an air of nonchalance as if they were used to this kind of weather all the time" If they were used to this type of weather why would they be hurriedly moving?
Sentence doesn't work: "All of this was watched silently by a lone figure high on top of the Gilders Bank." You either need to remove the word "the" or add "building" to the end of it.
Description not needed: "The tallest building around the square at seven stories" I suggest removing it to make the story flow better.
Word change: "Looking down into the street below, he watched every last detail of movement whilst keeping his own to the bare minimum" I suggest changing whilst to while.
Redundance:"A drill he was not only used to, but was one of the best at." You mention he has done this before in a previous sentence so the reader can assume he is good at his work without you telling them.
Change: "He’d seen it" You went from saying saw and was to seen. Stay consistent. I suggest changing this to He saw it. For example "But he had seen something." works because you are talking about the past eventhough it happened mere minutes ago.
Redundance: "The assassin smiled to himself. The foolish girl, he thought to himself." You over use the word himself here. I suggest finding another way to write those two sentences. In my opinion the first sentence works well and deleting the second sentence will only help the flow.
Inaccuracy: You mention in the beginning that the shivering will impair his ability to fire but later go on to say that his training caused the shivering to subside. If thats the case why mention that in the beginning?
Grammar: This one is obvious, "Calmly and purposefully the crosshairs of the sniper rifle sight were trained on the centre of the back of his target." When you are speaking of the center of something it's "center".
Redundancy: "He never aimed for the head, it was the easiest part of the body to miss. A little bit too high and you miss. A turn of the head here or a slight movement to either side there could be the difference between a kill or a miss." You say miss three times in these sentences. I suggest writing it a different way to avoid doing this.
Confusion: "Aim for the heart and if there is and slight deviation you are still going to hit something vital enough to do the job." They way you worded this is confusing. I think you might have meant any instead of and but anyways thought I would point this one out.
Clarification: "The noise echoed around the building tops, but would have been inaudible to the crowd below." Why is the shot only audible on top of the buildings? What makes this rifle so special that the noise doesn't travel to the people below?
Inaccuracy: "People were running about screaming in the street, but there were others who were looking up to the buildings." If the shot wasn't heard from the streets why did people look to the roof tops?
Clarification: "After a few minutes of watching the scene below, and satisfied that his job was done, the cold figure slowly retreated from the building’s edge" Why was he able to finally move and start leaving? The reader doesn't know if the people stopped looking to the roof tops. You just mention that a few minutes have passed by. We can come up with many questions as to what happened in those few minutes. For example: Did police and emergency personell arrive at the scene? And if they did the gun men wouldn't have been able to leave. The only way the gun men would have been able to leave is if everyone just went on their way. You see?
Redundancy: "Another job done. No remorse, no guilt. It was his job, what he was trained for. Be it male or female. Man or beast. Cold killing was his job." You mention it was his job twice. The reader already picks up that it is his job the first time, no need to mention it again.
Not needed: "The dark figure of the assassin disappeared into the back streets happy in his days work and with another result to keep his boss happy. Or so he thought." I will mention your redundancy with the word happy but I also want to mention you don't need to add "or so he thought." it really isn't needed. The reader will pick up on why his boss won't be happy as they read. No need to tell them.
I don't know what to classify this as but "It would have torn through the heart too if it wasn’t for the state of the art body armour" you mention the heart in the sentence before this as previously so the reader already knows it would have torn through the heart. I would take this sentence out and try to include the armor in another sentence. Oh and grammar, Armor is spelled armor, not armour. You aren't an under armour salesman.
Grammar: I hate picking at grammar errors but it's needed. "the agent picked herself up off the floor and stumbled towards a taxi that had pulled up to the kerb" Curb isn't spelled kerb, it's curb.
Sentence doesn't flow: "But it had happened. And exactly as Agent Veronica Knight had planned." I suggest changing it to it all happened exactly as Agent Veronica Knight planned.
Grammar: "“We best get back to base Cooper. The team will want to see how well the armour worked.” Again the spelling of armor as armour.
Grammar: "Later I promise. Believe me, I’ve earnt it." The use of earnt, you need to put earned in it's place.
Redundance: "But it was her job" Again telling the reader it's there job. By now the reader has figured this out and you don't need to tell them anymore.
Sentence change: "Every last bit of nerve numbing pain was going to be worth it if the plan worked." I suggest changing that to It will all be worth it if the plan works. The flow works a lot better.
General: I tink you should explain further where the agent was hiding. All you say was she was hiding. Where was she hiding? Why wasn't anyone on the street able to see her?
Chracters: You don't really get a good feel for the chracters personality wise but you may explain all that further on.
Plot: The plot line is good except you left a lot of lose ends. To many for a first chapter. For example: Who are these agents and why are they shooting at each other?
Overall: Good start to a larger story. Some fine tuning will turn this into a great story.
I have a feeling due to your word restriction you rushed your story along to finish it in as few words as possible. In doing this your story jumps around and it seem a bit cheesy. I suggest that you work on this a lot more before you submit it to a contest. Best of luck.
Ryan
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