Hi! My name’s True and I’m going to be reviewing you today! I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals. Feel free to completely disregard this, if that be your pleasure. So, here we go!
Title: Lady of the Moon
Chapters 1-2
*lightbulb* Initial Thoughts :
Because your chapters are so small, I would consider ridding yourself of two chapters in this item. Instead, I would compile the two chapters together into one, as it would fit and appear better presented to the reader. Chapter one seems more to me like a prologue, so maybe changing chapter one to “Prologue” and then chapter two into chapter one would fit better?
All up to you!
As for the content, at a first look, I’m quite interested, so lets see where it goes!
*exclamation* Thoughts After Reading:
Chapter one:
I like that you bruised Thalassa up, that you wanted to further show what kind of conditions she was a slave under. It gives that effect that makes your audience want to connect with her, feel with her, and most importantly want to know more about her. She’s a strong young girl, and you show that she’s strong by how she was desperate to leave for self preservation.
Then there’s this man. At this part in the story he’s just as important as she is, what with how he is with her. He changes and shapes dynamics, giving her an honest look at friendship, showing her something new.
“but even a name from a mans lips can last a lifetime.” --- This line is one of my favorites in your first chapter. It’s a thought what lingers, one that changes your character. In a sense it’s like he gave her herself. He gave her something that she’d lost.
(I like him.)
Good job with this, it sets the groundwork for chapter two.
Chapter Two:
You added background information here which was greatly needed. You provided it with a balance of detail, shedding light where light was needed and giving none where it was for the audience to connect the dots. (We like that, )
Your sensory detailing is good, and I think you would benefit from adding a little more into the story. Lines like this, for example, give an idea of the feeling of grass beneath your feet and how we would fill in Thalassa’s place. (Or Helena, I should say)
For this period in time, your writings of the interaction between characters, townspeople, family, is accurate and realistic as is the character dialogue.
(Ooooh, and scandal is good too) - on the scene with the Lady of the Moon.
The last feeling you give your reader is one of foreboding, showing that woman and giving the last line a simple, understated tone.
Very nice again!
Final Thoughts :
I think you’ve done a great job here, no grammatical or spelling errors as far as I can see. Though it’s short for chapters, it gives a simple look into the story. It’s easy to follow, and understand which is harder to do these days.
I like this (These) works, and I thank you for posting so I could have the pleasure of reading it!
True-Romantic
|
|