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Review by Lorienna Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
First I want to say, very good job. The whole piece is very well written and well organized. One thought flows nicely into the next and they all stay connected to your main idea. Your use of interesting language is well placed as well. I liked the questions that you posed. Any one of them would make a good story all on their own.
In the third paragraph, there is a sentence that begins “I have reached the…”. I think that you should break that sentence up into two smaller sentences by putting a period after the word “sixteen”. Then in the very next sentence consider replacing the word “already” with the word “previously”?
The sixth paragraph which starts with “as a writer” could be broken up similarly. There are a lot of commas where maybe there could be periods. Ending an important thought with a period reminds the reader to ponder your statements before moving on. Also try throwing some short sentences or even one powerful word in between those longer sentences for impact.
The next paragraph needs a small fix on the first sentence. At the end of that sentence, you ask a question and the question mark at the needs to be outside the parenthesis.
All in all, you are a very well spoken and eloquent writer. I didn’t notice any spelling errors and there were almost no grammatical errors. I really think that as someone who enjoys creative writing, you should think about some of those questions. You could write an awesome story premise with what you’ve already put to page here.
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