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Review of When Mama Wrote  Open in new Window.
Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* A tour-de-force of imagery and emotion make "When Mama Wrote" a poem well worth more than one read. Poetry is definitely this writer's forte, and it shows in every sparkling line of this poem.



*Quill* OPENING: You get right to the heart of the matter in your first line, which is so critical when it comes to poetry. You take the reader right into your head, your world, and force them to engage their imagination from the first few words you type. Great job at producing an opening that makes me feel like I need to keep reading.


*Quill* IMAGERY: I am no poetry expert, but you get extremely high marks for your imagery. I have never heard words described as: plastic shopping bags that test the wind. The roller coaster image accurately captures what it feels like to embark on a piece of writing with no idea of where it is heading. You ceratinly know how to paint a picture.


*Quill* WORD SELECTION / VARIATION: Your variation keeps this poem interesting. None of your word choices seem bland, either, and you make it clear that you know how to write a poem. I wish I could make this a longer review, but poetry is not my strong suit, and I really enjoyed this. I just wonder how a chant can carress one's ear, as this feels a little awkward to me when I reach this part of the poem. I also do not know why you start the last stanza speaking as one person, but end the poem by saying the woman left joy in people's hearts, rather than just your own. If other people were mentioned earlier, this would make a bit more sense to me. Just a thought!


*Quill* RHYTHM: Your rhythm is spot-on, and I found nothing that made the pace and flow of this sound awkward. Great job on perfect rhythm! (In my opinion)


*Quill* ORIGINALITY: This is one of the most original poems I have read. I do not know of many people who speak of relatives like this. The idea of someone's mother writing, and a son or daughter composing a poem about it, strikes me as original, so I think you deserve full marks in this category. Great job again.


*Quill* ENDING: The ending, as I said before, only throws me a little because of switching from one person to multiple people when discussing the mother's impact on others. That being said, I absolutely love how you descibe the feeling you get when you pick up those pieces of paper and go on that ride with your mom all over again.


*Quill* FOCUS: Your focus is sharp. You never stray from the main point of your mama's writing. My only critique here is that you switch from describing the words as shopping bags to describing things as a roller coaster ride. Why not use this roller coaster image--in some way--throughout the entire piece, instead of just in the middle few stanzas? You don't need too, of course, as this piece still shines.


*Quill* RANDOM THOUGHTS and SPECIAL GEMS: I do not read much poetry, but this really stands out as a fun and emotional read to me. You did a great job of conveying emotion in just a few stanzas. Below, as usual, I have listed some of my favorite lines.




Special Gems:

*Pencil* Her words, plastic shopping bags in flight, / testing the wind


*Pencil* When she passes by, / I wave back to applaud, / just to be included in her delight




*Star* If you want to hear about a woman who knew how to let her imagination run wild, then "When Mama Wrote" is the poem for you. I strongly recommend reading this moving piece. I daresay you will not be disappointed.




Sincerely Yours in Writing,
Travis



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Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Star* "A Walk through the Woods" is a tale of a girl who longs to go home--and the father who wants her gone. The author has written a charming little story that illustrates a stubborn man's reluctant acceptance that his daughter has come home to stay. Here's the breakdown.



*Quill* OPENING: While this story is a good read overall, I did not feel the first few lines proved to be enough of a hook to keep the reader reading. It takes a few lines for you to really get this piece going. This line might have better served as the first line, rather than showing up three or four lines in: Maybe after today, the rumble of the wind would encourage fewer partings and more resolutions. This immediately raises questions, and I love that! Overall, you did a good job of painting the parts of the picture the reader needs to see befor proceeding.


*Quill* CHARACTERS: I feel like Frannie is the backbone character of this piece. She is the one that feels the most human to me, and her desperation to make Parker reembrace their daughter really give the story a sense of urgency. Frannie's urgency also makes us wonder what will happen when Parker and Amber finally see each other again. Parker, on the other hand, feels a touch cliche. In homecoming stories, it is often the father that had a falling-out with the family member who left. That being said, the character change in the woods makes enough sense that I am willing to only take a little bit away from the score for this (I love the deer). Amber, however, has very few speaking lines. Is there any way to have a scene with Amber talking to her mom more, perhaps before bed the night she arrives? Just a thought.


*Quill* DIALOGUE: My favorite bit of dialogue was actually Parker quoting another man. Frannie's dialogue feels the most realistic to me, but even she speaks in a manner that feels slightly melodramatic to me at times. For instance: “A path has two ends; one at the beginning, the other at the finish...Women, girls, grow up in pieces; yet, they hurry up. Because of all that hurrying, that the path has two ends does not occur to them. Then, the path, forking and coiling, unwinds so fast. I know what you are trying to say here, but it doesn't seem like anyone would ever actually say all that. What if you had this written from the author's point of view, or have it come to Frannie as a thought before bed, in the middle of the night? Again, these are all JUST my thoughts. Also, a grown man nearly never says, "Duh!" This line really pulled me out of the story. Also, I don't think Parker needs to say, "Aaawww!" The first time he says it, it might be better if he says nothing at all. When he says it upon seeing Amber, maybe he should say something else, becaus ethis word choice just feels a little awkward (to me).


*Quill* PACING: The story has a definite beginning, middle and end. I never feel like the story is moving too slowly or too quickly, and the ending feels like it comes at a natural spot, so kudos on good pacing. *Smile*


*Quill* ORIGINALITY: This kind of storyline does not feel as original as it could be, as I think there are many "awkward homecoming" stories, but you still manage to keep it fresh by creating Parker's character change in a unique way I would never have dreamed up. Nice job there.


*Quill* ENDING: The ending feels natural. On the other hand, it feels a little anticlimactic to me. After all that has happened, Parker just says, "Aaawww! There she is..." What if you had Parker say something to his wife, or something different to Amber, and then have him put his hands on Amber's shoulders to stop her? Then he could say something to her, and then they could hug to finish the story. It just feels like we need to see some display of affection here.


*Quill* GRAMMAR / TECHNICAL NOTES: I have no grammatical notes for you, as I noticed little or no grammatical errors. On the technical side of things, I do have some things to point out. When Frannie and Amber meet that night, you write: [B]oth were talking in fragments as if a full year... I don't think you have to point out that they were talking in fragments. If you eliminate "in fragments," I think you could have a tighter sentence there. Also, near the end of the first section of your story, you write: Frolicking kids were not news to the world, but Parker could be a mule when crossed. You have already shown that Parker is stubborn, so I feel this line is unnecessary. The only other technical note I have has to do with sentence length at the start of your story. I am a big fan of sentence length variation. It seems like all of the sentences in the first portion of this tale are quite long and include commas in almost each statement. Again, all of these are strictly MY thoughts!


*Quill* RANDOM THOUGHTS and SPECIAL GEMS: I loved the deer angle, and especially the part about the Mayans believing deer were angels. I also like the creative way in which you change Parker's mind and have him welcome Amber back into his and Frannie's lives. Below are some of my favorite lines from your story.


Special Gems:



*Pencil* His voice sounded hoarse, but tender."

This shows us how Parker is still deeply in love with Frannie. We need to see this.



*Pencil* She had read somewhere that Mayans considered deer to be angels who led people to water.

This is an amazing line. It suggests something supernatural takes place for Parker, while also reminding the reader of the phrase: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." That's Parker!




*Star* You have done a good job of capturing the emotion of a homecoming story, but this piece could see improvement if you choose to revisit it. I encourage all readers on this site who enjoy a good dramatic, family piece of writing to check out "A Walk through the Woods". They will not be disappointed.




Sincerely Yours in Writing,
Travis




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Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* "My Pond on a Wintry Day" is as beautiful a poem to read as the actual image must be for the poet behind the cadence. This poem really speaks to the heart. It reminds us of the miracle of nature. Here's my breakdown, but please bear with me; I do not believe I have ever reviewed a poem before.



*Quill* OPENING: I like how you start the poem by giving us a view of the clouds in the sky, and then drop down to the light they shed on a snowflake drifting lazily to the pond's surface. This is as beautiful as openings get, and I have no complaints about how you started this.


*Quill* RHYME SCHEME: To be honest, I wasn't even aware of the rhyme scheme until I reached the second or third stanza. This is a compliment to you! The rhyming was so seamless that I got lost in your vocabulary. The words you choose to rhyme always make sense. Good job here, as I see nothing wrong or abrupt with the rhyming.


*Quill* WORD SELECTION / VARIETY: You are anything but lazy when it comes to word selection and variety. One of the reasons I do not write poetry is because I feel my voabulary is just not divers enough to do a poem justice--but yours is more than up to the task. When describing the leftover snow and ice, you write: pearls of high lineage glittering in noble silence,/bleached with the enchanting solitude of elegance. Most people, when talking, would just say how there is ice hanging from roofs and power lines. Your ability to convey the beauty of this scene is marvelous.


*Quill* PACING: Flawless pacing helps move the reader along as though they are in a boat pulled by the writer. This piece accomplishes that. You spend a perfect amount of time describing the blizzard before you switch gears to discuss the scene after the storm. This feels like a very comfortable length for a poem, and the reader can tell that this was by no means rushed.


*Quill* ORIGINALITY: Nature poems always strive to capture the essence of a moment, but few succesfully convey the feeling such images give the poet. After reading this, I feel like I know what you feel when you look out on your pond, if indeed this is based on your own pond. If not, then that is even more impressive. You took a blizzard and its aftermath, and you described these in such a way that I feel like I have never properly viewed the world during such an event.


*Quill* ENDING: Bravo on ending the poem by focusing on how this scene affects the narrator. It is such an interesting choice to say that you feel empathy for your surroundings in this poem; I like it. I also feel like this is only the most natural way to end the poem, and it takes true talent to realize an ending as powerful and relevant as this one. My only concern is the last line; I don't understand what it means. Because I believe this to be my fault, as I admittedly do not read much poetry, I did not take off any stars for this confusion.


*Quill* TECHNICAL NOTES: I noticed no technical errors in this poem.


*Quill* RANDOM THOUGHTS and SPECIAL GEMS: Only certain poems truly move me, and this is one of them. I feel like I am there with you, watching the world through your frosty window. This is truly a great poem. I look forward to reading others as I continue to fill your order. Thank you so much for sharing this poem with the rest of us. Below are some of my favorite lines from your poem.


Special Gems:

*Pencil* snow/has curled up in slumber


*Pencil* pearls of high lineage glittering in noble silence


*Pencil* under the full moon snow angels write innocent memoirs




*Star* Everyone on this site should take time out of their day to read this poem. When you do, you will have a deeper appreciation for nature and the often-overlooked beauty of winter. "My Pond on a Winter Day" is written by a poet with a strong grip on the art.




Sincerely Yours in Writing,
Travis


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Review of Old Glory  Open in new Window.
Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee House Employees  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+
*Star* "Old Glory" reminds us all that the Fourth of July is about more than fireworks, and the author makes it a point to show us how men and women give their lives every day fighting for the United States of America. Here's my breakdown, which are--as always--only one guy's opinion.



*Quill* OPENING: Without the picture at the top of this story, your opening works much better as a hook that makes the reader wonder what is going on. If we didn't see the fireworks display picture, there would be more question as to whether the man is watching a fireworks display or is being attacked in battle. That being said, your first paragraph does a good job of making the reader proceed.


*Quill* CHARACTERS: I was not overly impressed with the characters, and it felt like there was no character development in this short story.
Richison felt like your standard war buddy that dies before your eyes and changes your life. The only problems I had with that fact were that this angle is played countless times in war stories and movies; I also think that the reader needs to see how this death changes Garrett. I also did not feel like I knew Garrett, as he rarely spoke. It might also help to show some emotional connection between Garrett and his wife. I just can't help but feel like these characters all lack depth. I think that you could make this story really stand out if you went back to it.

*Quill* DIALOGUE: There is not much dialogue here on which I can comment, but the dialogue between Richison and Garrett felt a touch cliche to me. I know that a lot of soldiers joke with each other, but I also imagine that some are sentimental and can be deeply emotional when they watch a close friend die in battle. The nicknames and Richison having the last word was just a bit flat to me, but that's just me, like I said! *Smile*


*Quill* PACING: The pacing felt right, but the flashback scene was a touch long for my tastes. I found it hard to understand where the story was going. That may also just have to do with my taste in short stories, as many people enjoy reflective pieces; more action is what I am typically drawn to. So like I said, the pacing felt just about right for the majority of this piece.


*Quill* ORIGINALITY: This is where I think you could step outside of the box a bit more. It feels a little obvious that a soldier would remember the horrors of war during a Fourth of July event. Congratulations, however, on showing the reader how differently a soldier views such an event when compared to an average citizen. I think we all need reminded that while we are celebrating our freedom, someone else is dying to ensure it continues.


*Quill* ENDING: Your ending puts a nice, hopeful touch on a story that can almost be sad at points. I like the final line, but did Garrett serve with this paratrooper? Aside from that, the story seems to end at a natural place. Nice ending.


*Quill* GRAMMAR / TECHNICAL NOTES: I found no noticeable grammatical or technical errors.


*Quill* RANDOM THOUGHTS and SPECIAL GEMS: I think that adding to this story could only help it. It just feels like you could really dive into who all these people are beneath the surface. It was an enjoyable read, still. and I am glad you took the time to share your views with the readers here on Writing.com. I have listed some of my favorite lines from the story below.


Special Gems:

*Pencil* The faint smell of sulfur teased his nostrils.


*Pencil* Smoke hovered over the crowd, the acrid taste heavy on Garrett's tongue. The familiar grit of ash and sand clung to his sweat-dampened skin.




*Star* This story serves as a nod to our servicemen and women in the Armed Forces. Congratulations to the author for creating such a memorable story. Everyone should read this piece on the Fourth of July, just to keep thins in perespective.




Sincerely Yours in Writing,
Travis


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Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Star* "A Man on a Mission" is yet another example of the funny antics your family gets into. I have enjoyed reading about your adventures, and this one makes me chuckle almost as much as "Gotcha!" I do have a few issues with the nonfiction story, though, so let's get to he review!



*Quill* OPENING: Your opening line sets the tone for the piece, and is appropriately light and tongue-in-cheek. I like your decision to use the second person when opening this story. It immediately pulls the reader in by speaking to them before you drop into the anecdote. The opening also tells us to what person we should be looking for the laugh that will inevitably come as we read on.


*Quill* PACING: The pacing is very fluid. You manage to transition well from scene to scene, but it might feel even better to the reader if you considered setting the stage a bit more before getting to the punch line of the story. Maybe you could go into even more detail about how heavy the snow was, or describe the house or how your husband looked when he came in and you asked him about cigarettes. I know you mention not being able to see your hand in front of you, so these are just my thoughts. The piece does feel like it ends where it should, although I don't know if you need the line about how long the power was out at the end.


*Quill* RELATABILITY: Anyone who is part of a family can relate to this! That fact helps a lot, as relatability is crucial. Any married woman will read this and likely smile the whole way through. Even as a male in his twenties, I can relate to the idea of a "brain fart." It was genius to start off with that universal concept and then go into your story.


*Quill* GRAMMAR / TECHNICAL ISSUES: One techincal error occurs once or twice, and I first notice it here: " '"I'm good.' He says too quickly, now that I think back." In this passage, there should be a comma after your husband speaks, and then the capital "H" should become a lowercase "H." As far as grammar is concerned, I noticed that you seem to bounce between past and present tense during the narrative. I am not talking about the beginning, where you use past tense to set the story up; there are spots where you seem to accidentally drop into past tense. For example: "I am coming home from work." Once you say this, you have set your tense as the present tense. Later, you write: "The snow just fell, you couldn't see your hand if you were picking your nose, it was that thick coming down. We are cozy..." I think this should be, "The snow just falls...it is that thick coming down." Also, I do not know if you need to make the funy part of the story appear in bold print. My thinking is that if it is funny, you do not need to draw attention to it; it speaks for itself. And your story does speak for itself and is a joy to read, so I don't think you need the bold print. Also, when you run through the checklist, is there a cleaner way to type that? Is someoine saying "Check" each time? In that case, each response should read: "Check."


*Quill* ORIGINALITY: Usually, originality would be a hard element to judge when critiquing a true story. But this story is not your typical true story, and the snowstorm is a big part of this. I think you did a wonderful job of picking a funny moment from your life that not many people have experienced, but can relate to. After all, how many people forget their cigarettes before a big snowstorm? I really like what you did to make this story stand out.


*Quill* ENDING: As I said earlier, this story ends at a good spot and the ending makes sense. Will you be posting any more family true stories soon?




*Star* This story only lost points based on the technical and grammatical errors. They just seem to distract a bit from the funny, real story of a snowstorm and forgotten cigarettes. This story will bring a smile to anyone's face, and it is nice to see stories about writers' families on this site! WRITE ON and thank you for sharing this piece!



Sincerely Yours in Writing,
Travis


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Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* "Gotcha! My Son's Mischief" is a cute and relatable true story of a little boy with big pranks up his sleeve. And while this piece is on the short side, it surely does not disappoint.



*Quill* OPENING: You get right to the point with your opening, and it makes the reader immediately continue reading with curiousity and a smile on his or her face. My only suggestion--as I am big on opening hooks--would be to consider using the line: "I often ask myself, 'Would my son be so extraordinary if he hadn't been born on Friday the thirteenth?' " That is just my own personal thought, so you can of course take it or leave it!


*Quill* PACING: Given this nonfiction story's length, I felt the pacing was pretty much perfect. You do not drag your feet anywhere. You also give the funny anecdote about your son and his father's pants a chance to breathe, without rushing it. It probably doesn't hurt that there are no discernible grammatical or technical errors. The pacing feels just right, and that can be really hard to get down. Good job. *Smile*


*Quill* COMEDY ELEMENTS: This story is just a joy to read, and the way you tell the story about your son and your husband is definitely funny. You also do a great job of setting this up by briefly giving us the backstory about your son and his insatiable love for causing mischief and pulling pranks on anything and everything. This is comedy that is just plain FUNNY!


*Quill* WHIMSY: This is a quirky little story packed tight with whimsy. In other words, it's a funny/cute story you can't help but smile at. If you are having a bad day, you can read this story and it will bring a smile to your face. Beautiful job at describing the characters and relating this true tale.


*Quill* RELATABILITY: Any parent should instantly relate to this, as most parents deal with pranks their youngsters pull. I am neither a parent nor a husband, but I still felt happy reading this, so you did a great job making your family enjoyable and lively!


*Quill* ENDING: The ending is amusing and feels natural. My only criticism here is that I am left wishing this were a bit longer. For instance, I would love to hear anecdotes about some of the other pranks you mentioned your son pulling. Also, maybe you could include your son's name in the piece? That just might switch things up so you are not always referring to "son." A great ending to a great nonfiction anecdote! (And yes, I know that is a sentence fragment.) I only gave this 4.5 / 5 stars because I feel it should be longer.



*Star* If you are feeling down, read this story. If you want a chuckle, read this story. And if you need to commiserate with another mother regarding some prankster children, DEFINITELY read this story.



Sincerely,
Travis


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Review of Goodbye Grandpa  Open in new Window.
Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first time I read this, I was deeply moved. When I then read it aloud, I actually cried. This makes me think you were writing nonfiction here and, regardless, I can't explain how perfect this short story looks. Are you a published writer? Seriously, I am insanely curious to know. This piece had so much great imagery and diction and EVERYTHING. I especially love the end and the incorporation of the branch and the "old, tired house." Great job and keep writing!

Sincerely,
Travis Corter
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Review of For the Future  Open in new Window.
Review by traviscorter Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really love the twist at the end! It takes a lot of talent to write good twists in a short story. I found the story interesting, but wish it was longer. Is this going to be a series? Good job and keep up the writing!

Travis
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