Since your poem does not use rhyme or meter, I will not make judgement on this. In fact, the subject matter makes the lack of it a strength.
Your use of Imagery in the first stanza is very powerful, especially red associated with anger followed by the antithesis to cold two lines later. Packing so much into so few lines was well done.
The feeling of urgency in the second stanza is also well played.
The third stanza makes a shift from anger to confusion and then to fear. Having been down this road often, I know it to be realistic.
The final stanza is very Freudian. I don't really know myself even when I'm calm. When anger mixes with fear I know myself even less.
Final thoughts: I can't find any flaws here. A well written piece. Thanks for sharing!
Topaz
First, the act of posting this item takes a lot of guts. Spelling out your own error to advise others on avoiding similar ones is effective if slightly embarrassing. I hope many of our younger members see this piece and take in the message.
If you intend to improve it, capitalization is the first item. Since this issue is easily spotted, I won't list these.
As for spelling, I caught only one error which is merely a typo:
i was assured by the feedbavk
Normally, I would offer style improvements, but cautionary pieces should be kept simple and easily understood. I offer no advice here.
A very interesting poll. Your inclusion of faiths seems fairly complete. I can't come up with any additions. I also like the fact that you described each faith as it relates to the others. This becomes very important when speaking of different Protestant faiths.
As a Catholic, I can tell you that mass has not been spoken in Latin for quite some time. We now use English for everyday worship, though the Latin is still taught to our priests. as for the rest of your description of the faith, it seems accurate enough.
Protestant Faith vs. Works belief have changed a bit, too. It also changes between different Protestant faiths. However, you'd waffle on all day trying to explain them all in detail.
One other thing, The Torah and the Christian Old Testament are the same thing....but you knew that, right?
This is a very well constructed poll. The answers take into account any possible view, even those of non-believers. They also make the believer think a bit before answering. For a believer an God and Christ, more than one answer is true.
In my case, 'God in the flesh', 'Great teacher', 'God in spirit', and 'Prophet' are all true. This being the case, I must choose which supercedes all. That is God in the flesh. Great Poll! Write more!
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions: Very beautiful in its simplicity. I enjoyed reading the piece. Somehow I know something could improve the piece overall, but I can't put a finger on it.
Theme :What does a snowy winter sunset look like?
Form: A septet of no particular rhyme scheme or meter.
Imagery: Not strong or gripping, but powerful in a sleepier manner. The use of personification in the description of sun rays and trees adds a nice dimention to this piece.
Grammar/Spelling: No errors.
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness:
The piece does well to incorporate multiple visual aspects of a sunset. Very impressive.
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions:well written and enjoyable. brief and to the point. Theme :What does a scream sound like? Form: A piece which is written to appear in print like an open mouth or a voice print. The words are written in prose. Imagery:Good. Strong and broad ranging. Grammar/Spelling: No errors as such, though line three may read better as "building in energy."
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness:
I like the mention of different screams such as those voiced in fear, anger, surprise. Well done!
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions:A very forward-looking piece. Impressive and captivating.
Theme :What does an autumn leaf look like?
Form: Poetry in duets separated by single lines. The second lines of the duets rhyme throughout. No precise meter, but rhythm is well kept.
Imagery:Excellent! I like the presentation of the leaves as everthing from animate creatures to trash. Very broad ranging!
Grammar/Spelling:
No errors!
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness:
This piece is very unique in manner and approach. Unlike most works portaying fall leaves, this does not paint them as a thing of beauty. Instead, they're an object of dread!
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This was a fun read and at the same time a bit creepy. The whole issue of teacher/student fraternity just strikes an off-chord. The story itself is well crafted in many ways. I think I enjoyed the e-mail humor the most. It was a very unexpected aspect to this piece. Thanks for sharing this piece. Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The world could use more such forward thinking beliefs. Peace starts in the home. Most don't recognise the fact. Understanding and love lead to the best home environments. I'm not sure I entirely agree with your disclaimer though. We must understand and love these children, too. As a matter of fact, we should show it all the more. Otherwise, we lose them.
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions:Emotionally evocative, very powerful.
Theme :What does a hot sidewalk feel like?
Form: An attempt at a sonnet. Form tip: Each line should have ten syllables. If this is your first attempt at the form, it isnt bad. Your rhyme scheme is a constant ABAB throughout (ending couplet notwithstanding.) Very good!
Imagery:Great work here! I can see my own yeays gone by in this piece.
Grammar/Spelling:
No errors.
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness: I like the use of emotional feeling in this. You've taken the road less traveled! Since the prompt does not specify physical feelings, you've done very well.
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
A poem of a somber and slightly depressing tone. Often, pieces written actual events (if this is one of those) are.
Your imagery is wonderful and paints several very vivid scenes. These lead up to the final result which triggers a question that torments the speaker forever.
My only suggestion: perhaps include some of the signs which the speaker ignores. Without them, the piece seems somewhat incomplete.
As it is, the poem is very powerful and emotional. I applaud your work and am honored to be given the chance to read it. Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
A strong work about the pain alchoholism brings into the lives of the loved ones of those who abuse it. The quatrains are well worded with good rhymes.
one wording suggestion:
Why (is) our home seem like the last place -> Why (does)...?
I particularly like the way the end of the piece looks to the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This poem's greatest asset is it's patriotic nature . It displays these feelings strongly but not clearly. The first stanza makes me think oddly of the Japanese flag and I am as American as you are (Go figure.)
I also seem to read in the second stanza a call for the union of all nations. That's definitely something this world needs. Unfortunately, it's not likely to occur, but we can dream.
A great piece overall and I appreciate your writing and sharing it.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
A well constructed spiritual piece written in couplet rhymes. Your images are simple, but sometimes less is more. In some ways, the abstract wording of this piece makes it stronger. One line seems out of place though:
"Such abundance awaits you,"
It is the only line in the poem which has no rhyme. It leaves me wondering if something wasn't left out. Otherwise, a great piece. Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
You portray a broken heart very well. The flashbacks and the inevitable breakup tell a very poignant story. I also like the embedded lyrics in the story. They reinforce the fact that the character sings for a living. This is a wonderful story of reaching one's dreams but at a terrible cost. I really enjoyed this piece! Thanks for sharing it with us. Write On!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The story is entertaining and I can see how crowded the living room would be with all the guests stuck at your Aunt's house! Such conditions a great measure of how tight knit a family really is. The fact that your age would have almost prohibited true recall of this story makes it an even more interesting read.
As for the bread recipe, one of these days, I may have to have a whack at making it myself! Write On!
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions:Well written and enjoyable. An excellent piece.
Theme :What do hoofbeats sound like?
Form: Free form poetry.
Imagery:Excellent! Great audio-visual work.
Grammar/Spelling: No errors.
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness:
Your use of emotion as well as changes in surroundings create a very unique and enjoyable piece. I was especially impressed by the horse race image as well as the horse at leisure(stables.) An exceptional piece!
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The Ordinary Things Contest!
Impressions:Brief and to the point. Powerful words.
Theme :What do hoofbeats sound like?
Form: Written in a poetic quatrain. No apparent meter, but very rhythmic.
Imagery:Strong adjectives, but some are irratic in direction. Results in a slight confusion.
Grammar/Spelling: No spelling or grammar errors
Rating outside contest:
Challenge Spirit and Competitive Uniqueness:
The piece is well written and does convey a rolling, thunderous sound. Its brevity is unique, but also a slight stumbling block. I enjoyed it. Is there a beat or form that I did not recognize?
Rating in this arena:
Overall Rating:
This has been
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I love it. This is a scenario which most of our members relate to. I love the image of a stairway; it's brilliant. It also carries advice which all of us should take to heart: learn to write through reading. The final message: Writing is easy; writing well is not.
Thank you for sharing this piece with us. Write On!
The storyline here is engaging and fun to read. I give it this rating because I see so much more potential in it. For example, describing Shimmy and Roscoe (especially in size) would have a profound effect. This piece of the puzzle could turn the already suspensful scene into a desperate one (if Roscoe is large and powerful) or provide comic relief (if Roscoe is a datschund or other small breed.)
I get the feeling that use of certain cliches such as dark and blustery were required by the prompt, so I did not hold them against you in this piece. I enjoyed reading this piece and was happy to review it. Write On!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
We can all relate to the reluctance of winter to release its icy grip. That forward-looking summer joy is something we all feel on a perennial basis. I enjoyed reading this piece. It made me feel like a child again if only for a moment. It also reminded my of the life I had in Colorado. Those were wonderful years for the most part.
My favorite line: "It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons." a wonderful piece of personification.
One correction: when you speak of strong wind, you want the word gale, not gail.
you might also work on rewording some of the passive verbs(am, is, are, was, were.)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
While I believe zoos have a purpose, your piece makes a strong political point regarding the human race and its treatment of the wild animal. Even outside of zoos, we seek to hunt down that animal which dares harm a man. When we enter the wilds of this world we must remember that we enter another's home.
While I think the wording could have been smoother, this poem's sobiety is impressive. Thanks for sharing this piece with us here at WDC!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but I believe that's what you expected. This sort of story can only bring two basic reactions: shared embarrassment from women and laughter from men. It was a great read!
Any 'embarrassing moments' story involving a pool and a bikini can only lead to one place, the question is: How bad is it going to be? The surprise was just how calm and collected Matilda was about the whole thing. You had a great friend in her Dianne.
Thanks for an amusing read!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/topazknight
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:04am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but I believe that's what you expected. This sort of story can only bring two basic reactions: shared embarrassment from women and laughter from men. It was a great read!