Good story, nice twist. I expected there would be a real tiger in the end, but I also expected it would be a fatal or near-fatal encounter. Who would have thought that he'd walk away with only a broken ankle.
Past tense works well, especially since the story covers a long time period. I also like the first person POV, from Casey's perspective. You get her insights into the characters, events, and surroundings. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. were good, although, I did notice a few minor things.
Check the formatting of this sentence. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be part of the paragraph before it, or a paragraph on its own. For three months, we talked about many things,but I could never bring myself to ask why he never left the building.
I'm not sure if the semicolon is correctly used in this instance. The second part of it sounds too much like a fragment, especially in the way that part starts. I got him to agree to see a doctor friend of mine; provided of course I could get the doctor to come to him.
My suggestion: I got him to agree to see a doctor friend of mine - provided, of course, I could get the doctor to come to him.
I also found it a little too convenient (and a little unbelievable) that she just so happens to have a doctor friend who can help him. It's too much of a coincidence, too set-up. I think the story would work just fine if she offered to help him find a doctor, or offer to ask friends if they know a docter. Just a thought.
Just a missing space between the comma and "I." As our friendship was growing,I went with him on these trips.
Overall it's a good story. Sometimes nightmares are something to be afraid of. Good job, and keep writing.
Good point. We often rise to speak out or write when we are unhappy with a good or service, but we forget to do the same when things are done right. This is especially important when someone goes above and beyond the minimimum requirements of their job. People need to hear the compliments just as much as they need to hear the criticisms. Sometimes the compliments are more important so that those people can know what they are doing really matters, and that they are appreciated. I'm glad to see you are ready and willing to point out to businesses both the good and bad of what they do.
Great comparison between dogs and husbands. Sometimes we wish we could muzzle our husbands. This poem is really well written. You follow the rhythm & rhyme format perfectly, so the poem reads fluidly. Wives can relate well to this poem and I'm sure some husbands can, too. Good job, and keep writing.
This is a beautiful little poem - short and sweet. Siamese cats tend to be more demanding than many other breeds, as you have shown in this piece. You painted a clear image of the mistress of the house, including her royal attitude. Good job and keep writing.
A lovely poem about the coldest season. You create great images of the snow, the silence, and the shine at night. I imagine the sleeping bear and buried frog - things that represent winter itself. The rhyming works well. One of the lines is a little long, making it a little awkward to read. The last line of the third stanza might read a little smoother if you replace "every" with "the." It's just a suggestion. Otherwise, good work and keep writing.
This is a cute story. Apparently even adults wait up to catch of glimpse of jolly ol' Saint Nick. It was a good short short. Your words were clear and concise, setting the scene and describing the situation. It flowed well and felt complete. I did not find any errors with grammar, syntax, spelling, etc. Good job, and keep writing.
Wow, what a story. I've never read anything like it before. It's a great story.
I do have some suggestions. You should vary more of your sentence openers. Too many of the sentences start "She." I'm not suggesting you change them all, but just enough to break apart some of the strings of "She"-starting sentences.
In the end of the story (Drying White Paint). The officer tries to do CPR, but he pounds on her stomach. CPR consists of breaths and chest thrusts. He should be "thursting his fists" against her chest instead of in her stomache. Also, one sentence has two verbs in a row. "The officer stands withdraws, shaking his head sadly, then notices his assistant’s gaze focused into the paint can nearest to the knife." Does the officer stand or withdraw, or stands and withdraws?
I also had one question. What is in the bottle she keeps sniffing? Paint? It's unclear.
Those were the only problems I found. Otherwise I found no errors in the grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. The 3rd person point of view works well and the present tense keeps the story moving, active. The language is beautiful. The story flows well with a clear beginning (starting right with the action), progressing set of events, and a very clear, final ending. Very well done, and keep writing!
Great word search. I recognized all the manufacturers except 3: Seat, Skoday, and Vauxhall. Now you'll have to make a second one to include other companies like Chevrolet, Dodge, Chrysler, Jeep, Pontiac, etc. And I'll do that one too. Great job, and I'll have to try your other ones.
Wow, what a startling story that definitely makes you think. I was a little frustrated that he didn't open the window. When he opens the door and looks back and sees himself in the bed and his wife, is the room now gone? Just an idea, but maybe when he looks back, the curtains are open and that's how he sees the hospital scene. Otherwise I really loved the story. I liked the idea of him being locked in a sort of waiting room, while he is locked within his body. And you continue the parallel of the door unlocking when she lets go and the machines are shut down. Great job, and keep writing.
Wonderful job on this piece. You've certainly caught my interest and curiosity. Now I'll certainly have to read further to see where the story goes. Two minor things: need a comma between 'large' and 'muscular-built' (although I would just say 'muscular'), and a comma between 'crooked' and 'self-confident.' Without the commas, crooked describes self-confident instead of describing the smile, and large describes muscular-built instead of the man. Overall, a great start...I'll be reading more.
What a wonderful experience to write about - a personal encounter with black bears. And you've written about it beautifully - its a good poem. I can imagine how the bears look, the snow and river, the bears running off, the fear and amazement. Good job, keep writing.
What an creative idea - the world as Lady Liberty sees it. This was a good poem with strong images and feelings. What must she think of us now? The rhyme and cadence are both well done. I think the line "But yet I wonder..." is a little long. It throws off the rhythm of the poem. Maybe use only "But I wonder" or "Yet I wonder" instead of both. Besides "But yet" is kind of redundant. Over all a good poem.
Wow, I didn't think anyone else felt so closely to how I feel about religion(s) and God(s) and souls. Just a minor thing, but 'duel natured' should be 'dual-natured.' It should be hyphenated and duel is when 2 people fight each other with swords or guns. Dual is double. Anyway, I really like what you had to say, and you said it very clear and concisely. Too bad so many people have died, and still die, because they pray a little differently to the same God by a different name.
Fun little poem. Something I can relate to - gaining the courage later on in life to react to something in the past. But hopefully they are just minor regrets. Just a note, but you spelled the word 'nothing' as 'noting.'
I really like this poem. It kind of reminds me of Phil Collins "Another Day in Paradise," except your poem has positive parts to it. Why is the genre of the piece listed as Sports? You could list the genre of the piece as inspirational and maybe experience. Just a thought. Great job on rhyme and rhythm.
Wonderful poem. What a creative idea to use oxymorons in such a way. I've been told that you can only hate something that you are capable of loving. Love and hate are polar opposites that often cause identical feelings and actions. This poem illustrates this well.
Nice poem. The rhyme and structure move the poem along quickly and smoothly. Just a suggestion, but I think you could improve the title. Some ideas that popped into my head were: "Just a Dream" or "Nightmare" or "Dream Deceiver" or something. Just a thought. I like how the "story" of the poem flows from going to sleep, to casual dream, to scary nightmare, to waking.
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