Hello Tigger. This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" .
Impressions Your poem is so truthful; although short, it tells the reader a lot about the narrator's (i.e. your) self-esteem so that most teengaers can relate to this.
The structure is very as you keep to five syllables or less to a line and this adds to the emotion. The words flow smoothly into one another with little disruption, because the syllable seems interchangable every three lines.
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions It's not easy,/You know, the commas allow an unnecessary pause between both lines. This disrupted the flow and cuts me off from the rest of the poem. It would be better to get rid of that first comma. There is a lack of imagery, but considering how short the poem is there is no change to fit that here.
Overall
A concise poem that's clearly expressed and, in my opinion, easy to relate to. Great Job and Write On!
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Impressions Well your poem has a unique layout. The short lines conveyed tension and expressed the narrator's feelings of guilt and bitterness.
Your first line: "Doth I curse her as she did me?" caught my attention because it was a rhetorical question which made me think.
I liked your switching of both rhythm and the subject at hand (although that probably wasn't intentional). This adds to the imagery and emotions.
Spelling/Grammar
I noticed one spelling mistake in the poem: The Kinght has needs
Also: All characters speaking need a (semi?)colon after their name and before dialogue.
Suggestions The main problem I found was I didn't really understand your play. I know they were talking about sin and prices to pay, but it seemed all your characters (Cladius perhaps is an exception) didn't really connect with one other or the Knight. Therefore, the rest of your poem didn't connect either.
To be honest, I don't know what to suggest without changing its infrastructure, perhaps that you somehow try to link together a discussion between them all. This will add intrest, make the poem flow a lot better and be a bit more understandable.
You need to break down the stanzas into two or three seperate ones. For example, "As Satan himself..." could start a new verse, as could "But saviour lies."
Overall
A strong poem, which seems to hold a lot of morals in perspective. I liked the addition of the play and famous play characters here, because it makes this piece unique, but there is still some work to be done. Good Luck and Write On!
Impressions 'Perceptual' is a realistic and unique story for me. The plot isn't difficult to understand, following the monologue of a woman thinking of her psychotic lover (is that the right word for him?).
I liked the narrator talking of his personality- how he laughed and what he did to her- since it made him seem a real person. Her feelings are very strong throughout the story so I could sympathize with her more than the man.
The first few paragraphs explained the background quite well to the two characters' relationship, and then you finish with our narrator remaining strong, creating an emotional ending to your story.
Spelling/Grammar?
I did see a mistake in this story: crawling through the rubble[,] cuts all over (actually I think that's optional)
Suggestions My only suggestion is that you make the story an 18+. I know you don't talk openly about sex, but you did say, "No, all we ever did was ****."
Overall
There's only one minor technical error here. It's a powerful story all the way. Great Work!
Impressions Quite tempting, actually! I think you used some good language here, especially descriptive words like "exquisite" and "becoming" made this very persuasive.
I liked the use of different punctuation, such as exclamation marks, to express the narrator's emotions.
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions My only suggestion probably won't work because you've already won the competition, but when reading it through I wanted my taste buds to water. They didn't because you didn't cover the melting taste of chocolate in someone's mouth. I know you're limited for words because it's an acrostic, but I still think it's a good idea to include the sense of taste into the imagery.
Remember, that is optional.
Overall
A short, nice poem which does make me want chocolate, but not too much. Everything else however is perfect; Excellent Work!
Impressions A very creative story. I liked how each of the seven sins are intertwined into one another, so that it twists the main character from an innocent girl to a hell-bent young woman.
The rhyming is another clever technique, because it draws the story out and makes it more interesting to read.
The girl's death is mysteriously covered up, but you told it well through the use of metaphors and the rhythm.
Spelling/Grammar?
I did see a couple of mistakes in this story: “Enough”. Full stop should be inside the speech marks. such a beautifull girl
Suggestions I don't think the sin of pride is covered well enough. When you're proud, you think that you're better than others, but the girl says everybody will love her, which is only half of it. Perhaps in her speech she should also say something like, "Nobody is better than me!"
You could add in another description of the Underworld. You mentionned her feelings about its inhabitents and lonliness. What does she think of Hades/the Devil? What is the atmosphere like? Hopefully this will help me to picture her state better, because you spend most of the conclusion covering her self-pity.
Overall
This is an excellent piece with much potential. Some things need extra clarification, but otherwise I really think this can go to a publisher. Great Job!
Impressions Your prologue is superb; it explains the background and sets the scene for the main plot extremely well. There was a lot of suspense filled when the discussion about God and free will peaked, because it holds some similarity to Christianity debates.
All your characters are very unique; I liked the idea of different angels for every aspect of life. They're described very well (all of them having a similar look) and Rathiel's character is one who I can relate to.
The beginning of the prologue informs the reader of where the story is set and the language repeated also pipes interest.
Spelling/Grammar?
I did see mistakes in this chapter: Your (you're) thinking...was what caused this turn. A cruse(curse) be upon you but you will live among the humans as a human.["]
Suggestions I'm just a bit concerned about the whole plotline of the story. Although it's very interesting, the fact that it's based almost wholly on the New Testament from Christianity makes me think you aren't creating completely different world yet. When you develop the story more, I hope more differences are made between the Christian God and this female One.
In the actual prologue itself, I think you need to separate some of your larger paragraphs into two. These are some which can be split: As the prayer finished (5th paragraph down) “And she said unto me, (4th paragraph down, but you may need to carry on the sentence before it) “Your thinking I was powerless... (36th paragraph?)
Overall
I'd like to carry on reading this story, because it finishes with a fantastic cliffhanger. There are just a few technical errors here and there, but otherwise Great Job!
Plot
Your story was very interesting. I liked how the story of her twin sister unfolded halfway through. The characters all had a unique role to play here, and Sandy in particular seemed to develop more as this progressed.
Setting
The descriptions of Susan's movement were very effective in the beginning, especially phrases such as "wait, wait, wait" and "Fourteen...thirteen...twelve...finally, Lobby. I could picture everything happening in the scene.
Structure/Mechanics
The sentence structure was another good aspect of the story. You had many short, choppy sentences to express tension and quick movement. Paragraphs and dialogue are spaced out correctly as well.
I did see a few spelling/grammar mistakes:
She'd done some marijuana herself...to say nothing of a stupid marriage. That last bit didn't make sense to me. Do you mean: to stay nothing short of a stupid marriage?
A bag lady went by Do you mean an old lady with a bag?
The dirty face revealed toothless grin. Missed out 'a' between 'revealed' and 'toothless.'
Suggestions Sadly, I felt your story (especially your ending) was very rushed. Bits of text could have been added to help it along. Sandy's phone conversation with her dad, for example, would sound more emotional if there was some slight padding on his reaction on the other end of the phone line whilst she was drinking and thinking the worst.
Also, when Susan's father does come to visit, you don't seem to give any description of him then. What was his body language when he told the story? Did his tone sound any different than normal? Perhaps you could cover this.
Add some borders to the story to seperate scenes out from each other (I usually use asterixes(spelling?)).
"Ah, my memory's not what it used to be." The old lady's reponse to Susan's question wasn't really an answer. Was she meant to say Yes or No? You should make that clearer.
Overall
A well-defined plot with lots of potential, but I feel more detail is needed. Please, don't be discouraged. Write On!
Regards,
Antonia
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Plot
Haha! This story was better than I expected by the title. It was really funny how Mabel invisibly got her own back. Although I'm a teenager myself, I hate to see people like that and can fairly say they deserved it.
Mabel's character was very indepth, especially about her "gift/curse" (which I don't think was made that clearly until the climax).
Setting
The shopping area was typical to that of a busy Christmas week. I think the situation that Mabel was in would be very similar to that of any elderly person. Her feelings, especially in her conversation with the teenagers were understandable, except I didn't know how she felt when the girls became naked, only before and afterwards.
The beginning seemed odd, for although it introduces us to "the gift" early, the first sentence somehow confused me. I didn't get it then that her gift was actually real, I just thought it was age. This was cleared up by the end, however. I liked how Mabel gave out a good thing to the bad one she'd materialized earlier.
Structure/Mechanics
Paragraphs are separated correctly along with dialogue. You used lots of varied vocabularly, including through metaphors and adverbs.
I saw only one grammar mistake in the story: Yes, I took the arthritis medicine
There's an extra space between 'I' and 'took.'
Suggestions You could describe why Mabel's daughter Shannon was so special to her mother as for her to get the jewellry herself instead of mail ordering it. That should be put in third paragraph near the end or so.
Overall
I enjoyed this story a lot, and I was glad there was a happy ending to the day for someone. Well done again, and Keep Writing!
Regards,
Antonia
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Plot
Good storyline. I think the dialogue tells it well. The best bit for me was that the driver didn't understand what the Old year was on about, so his viewpoint made him appear a bit mad.
I liked both the characters, especially the significance of the old man= old year and the driver challenging him.
Setting
The background is also very true to a typical New Year's Day, although I would have expected it to be closer to after midnight (perhaps between 12 and 1am instead of 2am), although we don't have to know how long he's been travelling for.
I think the beginning expressed the Old Year's grumpy, pessimistic personality really well as did its ending for the driver's needless concern about him.
Structure/Mechanics
Dialogue is separated well so you can tell which man is talking when.
I didn't see any spelling mistakes, but spotted one grammar error due to punctuation: I’d rather walk, you idiot” needs a fullstop.
Suggestions
Other than the one suggested above (possibly):
I didn't understand the significance of the scythe. Just reading your introduction and not the Dialogue 500 prompt I would have thought he was Death! Perhaps you should express the driver's shock more at him carrying the thing, as well as what the guy uses it for.
Old man new year could mention about what previous old men new years said to each other about their past, because it connects him and "the kid" better.
Overall
Great piece of fiction. It describes the old and new years very well (if they were people). Write On!
Regards,
Antonia
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Hello Maria. I am reviewing "Heaven" on a request from a friend of yours from:
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Impressions Just from the first few stanzas you give us a deep sense of imagery. I can see, smell, touch and hear the atmosphere surrounding these horses as if they're actually in the room. This also creates a serene, calming mood.
I liked how you took us into your feelings about going into your first riding lesson. I felt the exhilaration and pleasure as it moved (both physically and mentally.
Riding through whirling copper dust,
Enchanted I patted my horses neck.
My favourite two lines, because they show time passing and your emotion at the same time, as if you were experiencing exactly the same thing.
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions Your first stanza doesn't seem to be broken up as well, particularly the first two lines: A mere eleven years was I
And my dream of horses seemed eternal.
Do you mean 'I and my dream of horses' or 'I, and my dream of horses'? With the former you should place a comma at the end of the opening line.
Your poem follows an ABCB rhythm with the ends of the words, but I don't think 'eternal' and 'stable' go together well. Unfortunately I can't find any words with a similar meaning that would fit into the word pattern, so it's up to you.
Each stanza follows a syllable pattern of its own. Perhaps you could try having the same number of words on every other line or something.
Overall
I enjoyed the poem; it was imaginative and tells us about a wonderful experience. There a few problems with the way it has been written, but most of the errors only need a quick fix. Good Luck and Write On!
Hello fyn. This is Antonia reviewing "Whithered Hands" on behalf of the Simply Everything group.
Impressions You've done using many metaphors to describe the setting, especially in the first four lines before the oak (which is one of the key subjects for this poem) is mentionned.
I like how the passing of time is combined with nature's destruction and the oak still standing there. We can keep engaged because time is moving and the area is changing.
Lots of enjambment (breaking up of lines) and punctuation has been used effectively here. It adds to the movement of time.
As the poem is more about the oak tree and its surroundings, there isn't a lot of emotion. However of what there is I found very in-depth.
Will surges through veins, blood runs heated
I think this is my favourite line, because it covers willpower and anger. These two emotions go well together in the context.
Spelling and Grammar
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions I didn't understand why the old woman's appearance was anything special; it felt like you left her too late. Was she meant to be growing old like the oak tree. If so, maybe add a few lines onto the end of each stanza, showing the woman as a young girl, teenager etc.
Overall
A beautiful poem with a lot of potential. Well done with using imagery and time. Write On!
Hello fyn. This is Antonia reviewing "The Art of Revision" on behalf of the Simply Everything Group.
Impressions I haven't seen a piece on revising your story/poem so far on WDC. Kudos for writing an original article.
You go through the revision process carefully, giving both your opinion and knowledge on the matter. This balances the two viewpoints ("perfection" and the need for revising work) well.
I liked the language used because it adds a hint of comedy and reality. There is a lot of comparison between an opinion of your piece and of something else, which makes your points come across more clearly.
The finishing paragraph sums up your article very well with the final sentence.
Suggestions You might want to make it clearer on what kind of revision you are talking about. When I first saw the title I thought of educational revision (you know, for tests and what not). So perhaps a definition for the word could be added at the top or bottom of an item. It would help with the opening paragraph by proving it isn't profane.
That poem or story is something like a child. Your child. It can do no wrong in its mother's (or father's) eyes. Perfection. No, it isn't. Sorry.
You don't make a clear switch from someone's false opinion to your truth. It just seems you're contradicting yourself instead. "No, it isn't." onwards should be in a new paragraph for greater effect.
Overall
A very informative article with lots of wit but also good advice. As a young and highly inexperienced writer I found this useful. Great Work!
Hello Arihanthan. I apologise for your long wait, but here is your review for "Dear Me" from:
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Impressions If this was an entry to WDC's "Dear Me" contest earlier this year, I'd say you've done a pretty job combining the letter with your thoughts as you write. This way you've made it original.
The dialogue started abruptly, because you didn't indicate when the inner critic was beginning to talk you. You might want hint some kind of disturbance as you write the first piece of the letter.
I like how the inner critic emphasizes the point of writing being hard work. It presents 'its' viewpoint; once which experienced writers can relate to. Both character's thoughts contrast well, making this a very familiar situation.
Although I didn't like the idea of you submitting to your inner critic, at least it shows that can help you sometimes. A good finish to the dialogue.
Spelling/Grammar Errors?
I did not see any mistakes in this story/chapter.
Suggestions
Only suggestion here is to add "Mr.Pessimist"'s prescence a bit further into the letter writing, so it doesn't jump into the story suddenly.
Overall
I enjoyed reading through this letter as it showed determined you were, but how helpful your inner thoughts were. Great Job here and good luck!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Imagery
Because your poem is directly aimed at one person, you don't carve out a lot of imagery. I can't imagine anything that you're saying because there is little description in your words. Although the concept here is very clear, I felt that a lack of adjectives, similies and metaphors made this poem feel more like prose to me. But that is just my opinion.
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood is very dark in this poem. Wording is effective at getting the reader's attention. What I liked best is the emotion I felt from them, as you give your opinion about this relationship. This allowed me to sympathise with you a bit. However, the atmosphere this builds is still fairly basic due to a lack of imagery.
Rhythm
This is a free verse poem, which I think suits the context really well. Most of the lines flow smoothly into one another, but because there isn't a general pattern here it feels very wierd in some of the verses.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the poem is very tidy. Each stanza is spaced out correctly so that it's easier to read. However, you're missing out on some punctuation at the ends of the lines, allowing the reader to take pauses when reading aloud.
I noticed only one grammar mistake in the poem.
Suggestions 1) Try adding some similies and metaphors into your poem. The best places would be where you're telling the man/woman about how your motives differ, as a simile here can be used as a comparison.
2) Include punctuation onto your lines. Not all of them require one, but where a clause would finish is a suitable place. Also, use full stops/periods when finishing most stanzas.
3) Place your final line (We are too different to be the same) separate from the finishing stanza. This has a greater effect on the reader when he/she looks at that line.
4) Spelling mistake: but i want bigger things
'i' should be a capital letter.
Overall
A powerful poem. You really pour out the emotion about this relationship, but I think the reasons should be developed some more. Good Luck and Write On!
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Plot
You have a sensational plot here. I like how you told it from two different viewpoints, as it allows readers to sympathize with both Sean and Michelle alternatively. The way it was told allowed time to pass and yet still keep readers engaged in what was happening. The only problem I found was how Michelle suddenly began to regain her memories, but you do gradually build on that during the conclusion of her story.
Characterisation is fairly good. We get to know a fair bit about Sean and Michelle. Both have deep emotions over this period of time, and it helps in the big contrasts between the endings for the story. However, I would like some more description in terms of their appearance, so I can picture what they both look like in my imagination.
Setting
The settings are quite well described. I could really see the scene at the start of the story (when Michelle gets knocked over) and feel the raindrops falling. Not all my senses were engaged by the settings, but that was because there was no mention of smells or tastes in your story.
The beginning really sets the scene here, introducing the two main characters and allowing them to get into each other's viewpoint. The ending is both happy and sad for Michelle and Sean respectively. They both get their wishes and the moral of the story is clear here.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout is very clear. As you indent some paragraphs and double space others, I can tell which character the narrator is referring to in each. I like the way you've set that out. Meanwhile, your sentence structure is very clear with little use of passive verbs in your story; everything flows rather smoothly and the viewpoints are completely accurate.
I noticed a couple of grammar mistakes in the story, relating to use of commas in some sentences.
Suggestions 1) Give a brief description of both Michelle's and Sean's appearances. Imagining some of their features in the actions that they do makes the story more imaginative.
2) Spelling/grammar mistakes: She was aware of who she was
'who' should be 'whom'.
Many of the things people had talked to her about, she was beginning to be able to recall
This phrase is a bit wordy. Try replacing it with something like: "Many things that people talked to her about started to come back to her".
He had a two-six and 3 half-full mickeys.
This sentence is very confusing. Why are two of the numbers written in word form yet the 3 is a digit? They should all be as words, I think. Also, what do you mean by "two-six" (that might just be me, so feel free to ignore that).
Everything that had been nothing more than a blur to her the night before, was now clear.
The comma provides an unesscessary pause. You could include another comma after 'everything', or get rid of this one.
only one person in town who
Replace 'who' with 'that'.
Overall
A very well-written story showing both viewpoints in clear light here. Great Job!
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First Impressions
I can fully relate to your thoughts on this matter. You've clearly explained how abuse can take place everywhere even in the most minor forms. That particular Bible verse used here is also used in support of your argument about how love, to quote your writing, "is a much better solution".
Structure/Mechanics
The layout is again well-organised, as not only are paragraphs spaced out but you've made use of WritingML. The sentence structure is very argumentative so we can agree with how you feel about this.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes here.
Suggestions
No suggestions here, I'm afraid.
Overall
A short yet truthful article on how love works and abuse won't. It now has given me a wider perspective on the term too. Fantastic Work!
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Hello Kenzie. This is Antonia reviewing "Judging Parents" for:
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First Impressions
Another honest-speaking article. I was fully immersed in reading your opinions about parent's decisions. However, it was odd reading this because I'm young and my viewpoint is rather different to yours. Now having read your thoughts here, I am slightly swayed a bit although your experience of having to move didn't really show how you felt about the whole ideal - until you were an adult and not a child.
Structure/Mechanics
Again, your article is organised well in terms of spaced out paragraphs and a nice little picture which you seem to use in a few of your articles. Content seems to be in a suitable order with a proper introduction and conclusion, and I also liked the symbolism leading to the Bible verse at the end.
I didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes in the article.
Suggestions
My one suggestion is that you go into a bit more detail into how you felt about moving. You didn't seem to express any anger in this change, only going into how you felt when you were older. By giving your feelings during the age group that this article is somewhat directed to, that audience can relate with you better. However, if you didn't feel anything about it until then, ignore this suggestion.
Overall
A great essay. I understand now how most parents usually feel when they make hard decisions for their children. Only one change could be needed. Other than that - Great Work! Write On!
Regards,
Antonia
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First Impressions
I really enjoyed this article. Your mother is presented in a wonderful light here, relating well to the title of your piece. The example of her buying a gift for her employer is described with a lot of detail, so that we can imagine all her other actions covered briefly too.
I couldn't help thinking that your mother is seen as too perfect, though. I know that you have to portray her best parts of her in the article, but it would be better if you talked briefly about her pulling through any mishaps. For example, in the second paragraph where you mention your mother's advice, you should explain why she said that (like you did in the next paragraph). Hope this helps.
Structure/Mechanics
The format of your article is organised neatly with spaced out paragraphs. I liked the repetition of the introduction as the final sentence, as I think it closed off the article smoothly as a conclusion. The sentence structure flows evenly with little disruption, as if you were speaking out loud. This effectively let me hear your emotion.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the article.
Suggestions
My only suggestion is, as I've mentionned, you explain how your mother has pulled you, herself and the rest of her family through any hard times, still showing grace under pressure. This will show that she brings out the best in her in any situation. Note that this is just my opinion and you don't have to use it.
Overall
This article helped me to get closer to you, and made me think about how much moms do for us. Although it does seem biased, I know and understand why and it doesn't affect the article that much. Write On!
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First Impressions
I enjoyed reading through Part 1 of this play. Being a student myself (albeit from England) it was very emotional to see Linda's viewpoint on the situation. I could easily relate to her suffering under M.E.A.N. All the characters have different personalities.
The stage instructions describe the scene well, but what is missing is indication of speech, as they don't mention how the language comes out. For example, when Linda is close to swearing, it should be mentionned that her tone of voice changes from mumbling to shouting or something like that. Also, give a sentence or two on the personality of each character on the list, to show their development.
Structure/Mechanics
I didn't really like the format of your play. It is difficult to distinguish stage directions from the actual dialogue. I also don't think there's any need for spacing after mentionning the character's name in the script, as this just wastes space and makes the layout even more confusing.
I noticed only one spelling/grammar mistake in the story.
Suggestions 1) Place any stage instructions in italics, so that it is apart from the dialogue and other text.
2) Write a sentence or two on each character's personality. For example, you could say that Linda is very serious and somewhat morose (or something like that, only that's how I depict her in a way).
3) Spelling mistake:
her record was wiped clean.(ToLinda)
A space is needed after the period, and also between 'To' and 'Linda'.
Overall
I really like your play's concept, and I think it has a lot of potential. But you need to fill out the characters some more before we get to know them deep. Write On!
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First Impressions
You've brought up an issue here that I've never really thought about. So Kudos for writing about somethng that most don't consider when reading through forwards.
Anyway, your opinion is once again clearly stated, with some media evidence and a true story to back it up as well. I like how you bring the reader close to how you feel in your writing, persuading them to understand the issue.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout is very clear to read, with spaced out paragraphs. You have made good use of WritingML, with the bold making everything stand out well. Your image relates to the article well, but perhaps it could be alignmed to the center so that it looks like it takes up more space.
I didn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Suggestions
My only suggestion is a minor one to do with presentation. Your title and image will look better placed in the center. This is only a small suggestion, so feel free not to consider it.
Overall
Another excellent article bringing an issue hardly thought of brought to light. I can now make sure to re-read forward emails now thanks to this. Write On!
Regards,
Antonia
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First Impressions
This piece of non-fiction is well written. Your viewpoint of how your brother was treated for his act is very powerful. Despit his nature, I could relate to your family of how they became addicted to alchohol and therefore found some sympathy in your writing.
The opinion is well-argued, although I couldn't help but thinking that, by talking about how alchohol relates to your family, you were straying from the main focus on the introduction. The focus was hugely on drinking wheras the intro makes me think you were going to go into the luxury welfare of animals. This is just my opinion, however, and you have the right to ignore it.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the piece is very clear, with spaced out paragraphs and minimal but still effective use of WritingML. Your sentence structure illustrates the emotions in your writing clearly, with the opening sentence/introduction easily grabbing our attention.
I noticed one spelling mistake in the story.
Suggestions 1) Like I said earlier, I think the introduction is slightly misleading compared to the contents of the essay. I feel it would be a good idea if you included a short example of a political case involving an animal that would overrule your brother's at the time. However, this would lengthen the piece and might make it stand out for the wrong reasons. So I understand if you don't take it seriously.
2) Spelling mistake:
too much alcohol is considered of lessor value
'lessor' should be 'lesser'.
Overall
A truthful piece of non-fiction. Well-research with an excellent, powerful example for your viewpoint on the matter. Great Job!
Regards,
Antonia
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Hello Sarah. I am reviewing "Potion of Beauty" , also on behalf of the Simply Everything Group.
Plot
I enjoyed your plot. It had a slightly expected, but still surprising twist near the end with LouAnne turning into a creature like the assistant at that shop. Everything else is written well and helps the story to flow smoothly.
Characterization is excellent. We learn enough about LouAnne so that we can relate to why she wants to become beautiful so badly.
Setting
The settings of the story are also described in sufficient and vivid detail that allows us to engage in all five senses (see, hear, smell, taste and touch). This really helps the readers to imagine and understand what is going on, as well as enabling readers to relate to each character as a person. Emotions are fairly strong in terms of fear and worry, but don't play a big enough part to make a huge difference to the story.
The beginning describes LouAnne very well so that we can get an impression of why she is here, whereas the ending finishes off the story smoothly with a conclusion as to what LouAnne will become.
Structure/Mechanics
The format of the story is well laid-out. All the paragraphs have been spaced out correctly along with all the dialogue. Your sentence structure varies the sentence length and helps to sustain any suspension but also keep in the detail, so that readers hold on to every word.
I saw a few spelling and grammar mistakes in the story.
Suggestions
I have no major suggestions for the story, but here are the errors I found: I am trully crazy.
Should be 'truly'.
Though his words was kind
'words' is plural, so 'was' should be 'were'.
A few woman
'woman' should be 'women'.
which laid on the ground
Should be 'lay', in order to make a passive verb.
And If
'If' doesn't need a capital letter.
they finally laid upon
'laid' should be 'lay'.
Overall
A fantastic story with a good storyline and some great descriptions with it. Excellent Work!
Hello again, Kat. I am reviewing "A House Called Soul" , which I found on the Review Request Page.
Plot
This is another story that has a different focus to most I've read, yet carried a simple storyline. Like with 'Memory', I liked the idea of each character representing a spiritual aspect, because it means we will learn something from reading through this. This time, I feel the story doesn't have such a long lasting message because of reality (for example, wouldn't Despair want to return every once in a while?).
The characterization is very good for each character, as you can easily relate one to an aspect of life and consider putting yourself in Soul's position.
Setting
The setting of Soul appears to readers as very realistic, seeming like a vivid reflection onto a real person's soul. The descriptions of this setting are not very detailed because you didn't use a lot of imagery to cover everything, but I was still able to use my own imagination because of the freedom to put yourself in Soul's place. The emotions were also realistic as well, although not detailed that much either.
The story's beginning presents us clearly with the situation involving Hope, Despair and their house called Soul. Readers can quickly identify how the story can relate to real life. As for the ending, I am glad that everything ended on a happy note and that Soul became a proper Home.
Structure/Mechanics
The story has been organized very well. You aligned all the text to the middle so that it had a unique look and have double spaced out all the paragraphs. The sentence structure is simple and means the text is suitable for anyone to read and understand what is happening.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.
Suggestions 1) You need to expand the settings in some areas. The concept is brilliant, but you need to add in some emotion. We need to feel for Hope and slightly resent Despair a bit more. Perhaps include a few more sentences that describe their personalities better (e.g. Hope's love of bright things, ditto for Despair's love for dark objects etc.) and so we can relate to them with a stronger bond.
2) The ending is very happy, but I would feel that Despair may want to come and visit (rarely not often) Soul. This should be mentioned in order to reflect reality, as people will still experience some despair in their lives even when Hope, Faith and Charity generally make them feel better.
Overall
Another enjoyable story of yours which holds a great message which we can all take note of. Perhaps the plot can be a bit better, but it is doing well and has a lot of potential. Great Job!
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Hello Kat! I am reviewing "MEMORY" , which I found on the Review Request Page.
Plot
This is a very interesting story to read, and the reason for this being its unique plot. I loved how the characters portray an aspect of life that we all come across. It made the story have a lesson that the readers can all relate to, as it has a moral for us to live by. The reader can put themselves in the place of memory, as well as using their own imagination for events.
The characterization doesn't have a lot of development (except for the dilapidated building of Hope), but it is good enough for this story where the aspect doesn't really matter hugely.
Setting
The setting for the story is brilliant, as it doesn't take place in a realistic place, but could be anywhere mentally. This broadened my imagination even more for what the scene could look like. However, there doesn't feel like a lot in terms of emotion; for example, although I could comprehend why Memory was faced with such a hard decision, it didn't make me feel for her that much, and so perhaps this is something you can work on.
The beginning of the story introduces the problem quickly, before leading onto describing each city in turn. The ending made it clear that the solution had been solved, but the final sentence in particular shows that the Stranger did help her to make the decision and that she is grateful for it.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the story is fairly tidy, although I don't understand why you have cut off some lines before it reaches the other side of the page (if it's part of your writing style then that's fine; it won't lose marks). Paragraphs are spaced out correctly and all the sentences seem to make sense. The sentence structure fits in with the type of language being used here.
I noticed one grammar mistake in the story.
Suggestions 1) You need to add more emotion to the story. One example of how to do this is to add a rhetorical question (e.g. Should she rebuild the building of Hope in Remembrance or start a new slate with Forgetfulness?). These get the reader's attention and make them think about what is being said, as well as how serious the decision-making is.
2) A grammar mistake: Most just ignored her in their hurry to reach their own destinations.
This is only a fragment and so the sentence doesn't make sense in this context. You could use a conjunction to join it with the previous sentence, so that it could read something like: "Other travelers happened along the way and Memory discussed this matter with some of them, but ,most just ignored her in their hurry to reach their own destinations." (Remember, you can try a variation on this.)
Overall
I enjoyed reading through the story, and although it needs a little bit of improvement, you have a deep message that is coming through. Keep It Up!
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Plot
This is another story which warmed me up inside. You describe Tommy's journey in enough detail so that you keep readers young and old interested. I also enjoyed the theme, as it meant that there is a morale to the story and that children can learn something from reading this.
The characterization is very in-depth for Tommy. In the story you tell us a lot about his life and how he feels miserable. This way we could relate to him as we get to know his character better.
Setting
The settings are another bright aspect in this short story. The character's actions are described in a good amount of detail, and I liked your use of similes to help readers picture the town of Bloomville; this really helped the area to come alive through the words.
The story's beginning presents the context clearly and the opening dialogue easily draws potential readers onward. The ending is very warm, probably as a part of the story that really connects with younger readers. Kudos for finishing on such a lovely note, so that we realize Tommy has really learned something from his experience.
Structure/Mechanics
The paragraphs in the story are spaced out clearly, along with dialogue so that it's easy to see who is speaking to whom and good use of WritingML. Your sentence structure is simple but descriptive, with language suitable for children to read through this piece.
I saw a couple of grammar mistakes in the story.
Suggestions
I don't have any major suggestions for the story, but here are some errors which I noticed: Where was the stray black dog, who Tommy had secretly named ‘Spot’
'who' should be 'which' (as the dog isn't a person). the one who always walked with him to school?
Same thing here (see above).
Overall
An almost flawless piece which is able to capture a lot of imagination into people's minds. It has a lot of potential. Great Work!
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Your poem is so truthful; although short, it tells the reader a lot about the narrator's (i.e. your) self-esteem so that most teengaers can relate to this.
The Kinght has needs
I think you used some good language here, especially descriptive words like "exquisite" and "becoming" made this very persuasive.