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Review of Empty  Open in new Window.
Review by Tom Mooney Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! This is some powerful stuff. A couple things for you:
1.) I love the structure. The tricolon crescens (three item list with the last being either the longest of most powerful) is always a good literary technique to use--if used properly. I think here you executed it perfectly.
2.) It's always nice to see free verse poetry that actually works. Like, this flows well, the line breaks add tension and emphasis, and the repetition of certain elements both within and across stanzas is great.
3.) The imagery is actually quite well employed. I think it paints a very clear, very vivid picture of the recipient of the poem.

I only have 2 bits of advice for you:
1.) In the second stanza, you say 'she tells me not to listen' and introduce a 3rd character here. I think it might be more meaningful to actually identify that person: 'mom tells me...' or 'Jane tells me...' If you're okay disclosing that, of course.
2.) The 5th line from the last, in the final stanza, the phrasing 'but why bother follow through' sounds a little off. I'd suggest changing that just a hair, either to something like 'but why bother to follow through', 'but why bother with follow through,' or 'but why bother following through.' Something to that effect.

Other than those two very minor things, this is an exceptional piece! Great work!

-Tom
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Review of Yeah, so...  Open in new Window.
Review by Tom Mooney Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Love it! Take this and run, it could turn into something really neat. Keep writing!
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