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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tommymooney101
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9 Public Reviews Given
30 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of I Never Knew  Open in new Window.
Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there Bethany!

The algorithm has decided to feature your piece, so I’ve decided to leave a review! To make things easy for you, I’ll split my thoughts into three parts: subject, form, and philosophy.

First up, subject. Love is kind of the universal undertone of writing, even when you're not writing romance. Young love, however, is definitely its own thing. It's...different. I sound so old saying that lmao but it's true; young love has a special flavor of its own. I think by default all young writers do a great job of capturing this, and you are no exception. I read this and was instantly reminded of the poetry I wrote back when I was your age, and experiencing something very very similar. It's a solid choice for a subject.

In general, there's not many specific changes I'd suggest. The obvious thing is that there seems to be 4 lines on one line ("I never knew...If you care). This is a solid start for a piece, so really the only thing I'd recommend is to play around with the literal formatting, the way the words look on the paper. The great thing about free verse poetry is that we're not bound by syllabic meter or conventional formatting, so we can use spacing and formatting to creatively emphasize or draw attention to things we really want the reader to focus on.

That said, I really did enjoy this piece! If you decide to revisit this piece at any point, I'd just rethink the formatting. Experiment and see what works for the piece!

Happy writing!
-Novaire
My signature I made for myselfNon-Animated Angel Army Signature
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Review of The last train  Open in new Window.
Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Angel!

The algorithm has decided to feature your piece, so I’ve decided to leave a review! To make things easy for you, I’ll split my thoughts into three parts: subject, form, and philosophy.

So, first off, death and the afterlife. Always a solid subject choice, with as much variation to it as there are people who write about it. I've read and watched books and TV from around the world, so seeing different portrayals of the journey to the afterlife is always cool. I really actually like the way you portrayed it, and I could totally see this as a scene in a fantasy movie or TV show.

This piece is also really well put together, I think. It flows well, it says a lot with very few words, and it doesn't have any fat to trim. Really well done. I only have two minor things to consider. The first is Eleanor's awareness of her death. In the beginning, it seems like the knows where she's going ("Where are you going?"--"Far enough"), but then she asks "Where is there?" It's a small inconsistency, but something to think about. Secondly, you suddenly mention the other passengers. I'd either hint at them being normal passengers and then they change as she begins to enter the afterlife, or, ideally, eliminate them entirely: maybe the conductor is a reaper, or the Charon of the train, and the train picks everyone up by themselves before they're joined in the afterlife with their loved ones. It's entirely up to you, but I think it'll be a little easier to decide once you decide if Eleanor should know if she's dead or not.

Normally, I like to pick apart an author's thesis: why did you write this? What are you saying? Do I agree with you? Is your point evident, or do you beat around the bush? For a piece like this, though, I don't think you're really making a statement, and that's just fine. I think honestly the warm feeling I got when I realized that Eleanor was going to the afterlife is just enough of a statement for an author to make :)

I really did enjoy this piece! If you decide to revisit this piece at any point, I'd consider those two things I mentioned to you in the form paragraph.

Happy writing!
-Novaire
3
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Review of Steady heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there 13poes!

Welcome to WDC! The algorithm has decided to promote your piece, so I've decided to leave a review! To keep things easy for you, I'll split my thoughts into three parts: subject, form, and philosophy.

First of all, I can't really pinpoint the target emotion here. And I think that's actually a cool thing. You can read this poem as both a description of heartbreak AND as a description of yearning and hope, so I absolutely love that. Obviously, yearning and heartbreak are two sides to the same coin, and you've managed to tread the fine line that encompasses both. Seriously, hats off to you.

My second series of comments usually focus around form, but since you mentioned that you're a non-native speaker, I'll also include some feedback on general English here, too. For starters, your English is excellent: the only grammatical mistake is an unneeded comma in the line "for within time...quiet heart." It's excellently composed from a grammatical standpoint. From a technical standpoint, though, I'd like to offer two bits of advice. First off, and you've probably heard this already, but I'd avoid grammar words. What do I mean? In poetry, especially free form poetry like this, it can often help to leave off the articles (a, an, the), possessive adjectives (my, your, his/her, our, their), and some prepositional phrases (opt instead for single-word prepositions). This is by no means a rule, but it's advice that I've carried with me since high school and it's really helped my poetry. The second thing is watch where you break your lines. I think your current breaks work well, but try playing around with it on your own and seeing what you can come up with. If anything, it just gets you into the habit of practicing.

I usually leave comments here about my general thoughts on the thesis statement or message of the piece for the third section, but I honestly don't think there's much to say. These emotions are a universal experience, which is part of what makes this piece to relatable.

Overall, I think this is a piece to be proud of. With a little love and attention, and maybe some ~linguistic experimenting~, I think it'll be a solid piece that you can be proud of. If you have any questions or just want to talk writing, feel free to hit me up anytime! Also, out of curiosity, what language is your native language? I'm a language nerd so I always like to ask :)

Happy writing!
-Novaire
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Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Naomi! Salamat para sa mga reviews! Figured I'd return the favor

First off, I absolutely LOVE the sentiment of this piece. The emotion is really quite well-conveyed, and I can really definitely relate do this: I just moved into an apartment that, despite the amazing location and neighborhood, has some of the least friendly and social tenants. I also really love the end, for two reasons. First, you tied it back to the beginning in a way that gives hope and offers comfort to the reader. Secondly, the choice of inverting the word order in the opening lines "A room with a view when it rains / the window I open" is super cool! I'm a language nerd in addition to writing nerd, so I really liked seeing older, more literary English structures used: it really helps draw attention and set a contrast for the happy(ish) ending.

My only advice to you would be the advice I give everyone who writes free-verse poetry: do you really need the articles? "the" and "a/an" are great, but sometimes, they can actually hold back the artistic expression of poetry. This is especially true in free-verse poetry where we don't have syllabic or moraic constraints. Some authors like to include them where necessary, some of us like to do without. It really is a stylistic choice up to you, but I'd at least think about it!

Patuloy na magsulat!
Tom Mooney
5
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Review of Empty  Open in new Window.
Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! This is some powerful stuff. A couple things for you:
1.) I love the structure. The tricolon crescens (three item list with the last being either the longest of most powerful) is always a good literary technique to use--if used properly. I think here you executed it perfectly.
2.) It's always nice to see free verse poetry that actually works. Like, this flows well, the line breaks add tension and emphasis, and the repetition of certain elements both within and across stanzas is great.
3.) The imagery is actually quite well employed. I think it paints a very clear, very vivid picture of the recipient of the poem.

I only have 2 bits of advice for you:
1.) In the second stanza, you say 'she tells me not to listen' and introduce a 3rd character here. I think it might be more meaningful to actually identify that person: 'mom tells me...' or 'Jane tells me...' If you're okay disclosing that, of course.
2.) The 5th line from the last, in the final stanza, the phrasing 'but why bother follow through' sounds a little off. I'd suggest changing that just a hair, either to something like 'but why bother to follow through', 'but why bother with follow through,' or 'but why bother following through.' Something to that effect.

Other than those two very minor things, this is an exceptional piece! Great work!

-Tom
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Review of Yeah, so...  Open in new Window.
Review by Novaire Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Love it! Take this and run, it could turn into something really neat. Keep writing!
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