Haha. I understand completely, unfortunately. But the daily battles with the scale only make us more determined to win, so it's better for us in the long run.
There is just one part that tripped me up a bit. The line "I’m never prepared, never heed the warning / to get into fighting shape." But then I read it again and found that my misunderstanding was just an error on my where I apparently forgot how to read. So basically this poem is, for all intents and purposes, flawless.
I enjoyed this mostly because it is a humorous poem. It isn't trying to be too serious or too dramatic. It's not trying to be Shakespeare or some epic poem. It just is what it is and I find it to be very pleasant. It's the kind of thing that I would want to read if I was having a bad and my brain just couldn't handle anything serious or sad.
Haha. I don't think I've laughed that much at a screenplay before. Your command of dialogue is excellent. I could practically see this play unfolding in my head while I read this. I love the contrast between the European crowd and the Southerners. I'm an Alabamian and it's hard to find things about the South that aren't utterly stereotypical but this is just fantastic. I am very impressed. I only have on small issue with it... I didn't want it to end!
That and there are a few awkwardly large gaps in your formatting but stuff like that happens so whatever. It didn't detract from the screenplay itself.
Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading this. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Wow. I am amazed by your ability to create plot twists. I never expected the watcher in the end to be a robot. You have such a blending of belief systems here but they all seem to meld together so wonderfully and masterfully. The watcher seems so distant in the end but you bring it to life as it watches and thinks about the world and I believe that you have really captured the way a creature built to do nothing more than watch and record would react if it gained some sort of independent thinking process while it recorded everything.
I do have one question. Why did you chose to write it in this format? I like it for this piece since it's not really a story piece, more of an absent contemplation. It reminds me strongly of modern poets like T.S. Eliot and James Joyce. I would have liked for you to have more separate lines that stand alone from the other paragraphs but it is your story and you do whatever you want. It almost seems as if you pulled out a few lines to show the steady humanization of the machine but it's not consistent enough to give that impression strongly.
There are a lot of quotable lines in here and you do have an amazing talent for writing the unexpected. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work.
Oh my goodness. I am torn between being really unhappy that you left the ending like that and really enjoying it. I think I'll lean toward enjoying it for the sake of pure awesomeness. I absolutely love how this isn't just some little love story and that it has some real character development even in just the few thousand words you wrote (granted, there's a lot more development for Sarah than Tom by nature of us seeing from her point of view). I like how Sarah's hair was always mussed as a kid and Tom had to have braces and Sarah's front door takes a little extra muscle to close. Those are the little things that make this story seem very genuine and enjoyable.
Picky note: There were a couple of times when you slipped into passive voice. If you're already in Sarah's head I think it would flow more smoothly if you said "Sarah heard yada yada yada" instead of "Yada yada yada was heard." Passive voice is a bit more awkward to read and, although your story telling skills are abundant enough and refined enough to balance out the awkwardness, the passive voice did create very small mental snags while I was reading it.
Other than that, you're freaking awesome.
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