Overall Thoughts: In the first chapter, it had a slow and steady development because it isn't a short story. I though it was well planned out and detailed. It was interesting because the story hooked us write away with the introduction of the mirror race. You descriptively expressed the characters actions and emotions really well. The same for the second chapter you let the chapter develop with a hook/event either in the middle or end. The chapters are really well organized and planned out. It also great that in the third chapter, you changed it up by putting an event or something happening right at the start of the chapter. So your story won't be flat and predictable. You changed the flow of it, bringing your readers in more.
Your story is good but there are quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, which I suggest you use a word-processor with spell check to check, first. For grammar, it's harder to correct but be careful of capitalization of the “i” or capitalization at the beginning of a sentence, also words like “where, were, we're, we are” and “there, their” make sure you know or don't forget by re-reading when which word should go with which sentence.
Sometimes, I thought you could have worded things better. Meaning just when I re-read it, sometimes I think “oh I know you can make this sentence sound better or use better wording, to make the sentence sound better and clearer because you did it with the rest of your story.”
I would say your best weapon is your descriptiveness, originality and explanations, you can definitely make a really interesting and depth-ed story. I enjoyed reading it a lot. Especially from Chapter 3 and on the action really starts. I hope to see more from you, Magic is a large aspect that has a wide range of possibilities. I hope to see more using your originality to make an even more interesting story as the chapters go on.
Suggestions / Mistakes:
1) You should bold the chapter titles, so it's easier to tell between chapters and it'll look nicer.
2) After a character says “i said, he said or they replied, etc” there should be a period after the speech. You can look in any book, for examples. There are a lot so I'm not going to pinpoint them.
3) Capitalize the “i”, I think you have 2 in Chap 1, and 1 in Chap 2.
Chapter 1
"This word has become dangerous for us mirrors."
(I think you wanted to write world not word)
"As you know our race is dying, for what I know, you and I are the only members of our race to be alive, the reason i never let you out is because of this. Other members of the magical population, either want us dead, or want to use our powers to accomplish their means." "I won't allow anyone to hurt you, and trust me there are people out there trying to, I just want you to be prepared when we leave later today, i want you to stay prepared, don't let your guard down and when I tell you to do something, do it, don't hesitate just do it."
(Instead of for what I know, maybe right from what I know, sounds better)
(Also when your or “I” is talking he says you and I meaning someone talking one-on-one, when he's talking to 2 girls. Maybe try using in the paragraph, you two, you girls or both of you, because you and I or just you gives the impression, he's only talking to one person.)
“Be safe” I though forcing the though over to the girls
(I think you mean I thought no though, also you forgot a period after the word “safe”.)
“We will” Kyra replied
(You forgot a period after the word “will”.)
I keep track of the girls until they passed the shield, there presence seemed to disappear from the earth.
(it's their not there.)
Chapter 2
I planned on reading more into, advanced uses of defense magic, or I thought about reading elemental, water a practice.”
(I not sure what the ending is suppose to mean?)
“Pass, hey lets go outside, ive been reading on a spell I want to try.
(it's “i've”.)
she raised her hands and the air around her crackled with her energy output. The wind swirled in a counterclockwise direction causing the trees in the distance to bend.
(“she” you forgot to capitalize at the beginning of sentence.)
It looked like a tornado “it is a tornado” I heard Kyra reply in my mind
(You forgot a period or comma after “tornado”.)
As I stared, it started moving, circling around kyra, ripping up everything in its path
(Capitalize “Kyra”.)
“I did it!” she yelled as she ran toward me.
(you can also right “towards”, personally for it sounds more right lol I'm not sure though)
Chapter 3
“Where ready.” Tera said, aiming a glance at Kyra, she looked to excited to speak.
(it's We're or We are) |
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