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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tjalio
Review Requests: OFF
550 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give my overall impression of the story, quote my favourite part, correct any mistakes in the grammar, then point out characterization flaws and plot holes. Style varies if any of the above is uncalled for.
I'm good at...
Rectifying grammar, i.e., pointing out errors in spelling, punctuation, tense, sentence construction, etc. Also good at substantive review, i.e., assessing the plot for completeness, consistency, and clarity.
Favorite Genres
Thriller/Suspense, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Experience, Relationship, Romance/Love, Erotica
Least Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Full-length books
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Benjamin.

Even though in the intro you say you’ve skimped on certain details to avoid patronising the reader, you’ve given enough to leave no doubt as to your expertise as an Engineer with a capital E, as you put it. Even with the best intentions, few but the most ardent enthusiasts of the technical aspects you dwell on will not take you up on the offer thus: “feel free to skip over details of any sort that you might think to be non-germane.”

Elements I liked or was intrigued by:
-The intro. It hooks the reader by enticing him with some dramatic action.
-The non-linear order of events. This ensures the reader doesn’t have to wait around for something interesting to happen. You already know there’s drama; you just have to follow the build-up as the writer walks you through it.
-“There was that comment about being ‘worth my while.’ I’d have gone to her assistance anyway, of course, but her comments sounded like money to me and the idea of money always makes my ears grow long and pointy. I then find it very easy to focus.” *Bigsmile*
-Your reference to a gun as a “little friend”. Reminds me of Scarface and that famous line of his.
-If you don’t like Michigan weather, wait an hour or two---It’ll change!---probably for the worse!! *Bigsmile*
-I admired her calm acceptance of the necessity to do something. And the fact that doing something might include sudden violence was also accepted without demur. – Got me thinking about the not-so-rosy picture of Detroit I’ve heard or seen in snippets here and there, including Eminem’s 8 Mile flick.

The following are my suggestions on grammar.
-Between the gasps of agony – delete “the”
-ordinary week-end – delete hyphen in weekend
-“There was an answering box connected
to the telephone on the desk.” – delete the space between these two lines. Must be one of those instances of distortion you warned of in the disclaimer.
-twenty grand for a week-end – again, delete the hyphen
-use of three hyphens to represent a dash – if you're to be keen on punctuation, a proper dash should be used (—). This can be generated from Word by spacing after two hyphens instead of three

Other comments:
1.-There’s a lot of exposition in non-dramatic segments, which is acceptable in a novel, but you need to tighten it as times it serves little purpose other than to stall the plot. On the other hand, that verbosity is welcome when detailing scenes, for example, where Janice was killed. Helps to paint a picture in the reader’s mind.
PS. This was a neat way to get around the problem of overspeak:
“I could delineate the next several hours in detail. But if I said simply that a group of friends/acquaintances with a mutual interest in boats and the water, who had not seen each other as a group for several months, sat around and ‘gassed’ over drinks and something to eat, I will have said everything that needs to be mentioned.”
2.-You use way too many dashes. This has the tendency to prolong sentences, whereas ideally they should be kept short. For example, thanks to dashes, this sentence is long enough to be a paragraph all on its own:
“By the time all the pre-tests were complete---the rockers, significantly lightened, showed no tendency to fail---it made sense for me to go on directly to Daytona for all the test-connected ‘doings’ there, and afterwards, what with one thing and another---including a relaxation-slash-business trip to the Florida Keys after the Daytona 500---it was the end of March before I stopped living out of my luggage.”
At the very least, you should restrict your dashes to just two in a sentence.
3.-Seeing as it was a matter of life and death, the question arises as to why Janice didn’t call an ambulance after being shot and why Benjamin didn’t call the cops when alerted, opting instead to wade into a potential death trap and altogether too late to save Janice’s life. Unless she was engaged in some illegality and Benjamin was a bit of a Jack Bauer, the avoidance of the authorities leaves something to be desired.
4.-Perhaps using third-person narrative would help to create distance between yourself and the persona in the story, so you can avoid the temptation to explain mannerisms that don't necessarily move the story forward in an attempt to acquaint yourself with the reader.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,

TJay

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2
2
Review of Chief Jimbob  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Denbo.

This read like Will Smith's The Pursuit of Happyness, with all the desperation of a job hunt but minus the happy ending. Which in a sense is a truism, as the author Chinua Achebe put it: "Real tragedy is never resolved. It goes on hopelessly forever."

That said, fiction being an escape of sorts from reality, it would have been nice to give the poor guy more than this back-to-square-one ending. Maybe having done something bad but with no regrets. Otherwise, it feels like one of those horror movies that's only keen to make the viewer miserable.

The grammar is good but the punctuation needs more work, especially commas and hyphens. A few glaring issues:
leaving a few people “left” – behind would sound better here
a six week position – six-week position
Jimmy was “becoming to feel” increasingly humiliated – beginning to feel

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay

3
3
Review of Farewell, Lynx  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aunty Gita,

Now I know how you felt when dear ol' Lynxie breathed his last. The disbelief, the connection you had, the wistful goodbye... You know best how much it hurt. I hope the good memories outweigh the sense of loss in the march of time.

Tommy

PS. Where did you take that other write-up about Lynx being the real boss in the house? If you still have it in your records, mind sharing it with me, please?
4
4
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Joey C.

So that’s what the title stands for? All along, I thought the serial killer catching up with the bride was going to be the climax, but it turned out to be a false end. Perhaps one that passes a little too quickly. Someone with all those murders to his name being eliminated so easily reminds me of movies where someone built up to be so badass is vanquished in the wink of an eye in the end, like Bane in Dark Knight Rises.

It was otherwise a great romantic thriller-cum-horror story. Those pictures add priceless imagery to the text, so much so that I feel the text didn't do justice to their description. There's more to Edgar's zombie-like look than a "gray, drooping face," for example.

And something else that bugged me is that in the beginning, Jack thought of his wife as "beautiful", while in the end, he thinks of her as "delicious". I understand the need to not give away the plot too early, but there's so great a disconnect between those adjectives that it makes for too jarring a shift in character coming from the same person.

No glaring grammar issues, except:
"Is there something wrong? You looked worried" - look worried
I think, I have - delete the comma

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
5
5
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Alien,

As a potential client of the Harvested, my job is to believe you are illusional. Knowing that, I think you can understand why I have always been afraid of the rumour of UFOs. During Halloween, I'm the only undisguised human around for miles, and there is the risk you could drop in without me becoming aware of your presence...


That's my small tribute to your creativity, Rocker. I think you have a great premise for an entertaining story here.

Corrections:
It was pretty neat, except you kept using small i instead of capitalizing it.
I also spotted a few run-in sentences that need spacing out:
...call it).Which
and
...other than my neighbor.Ms. Emily
For the latter, you can also substitute the full stop with a comma.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
6
6
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bear.

I was drawn to this piece by the blurb, "When a loved one is far away", as I once had a long-distance relationship. I like how you portrayed the emotions experienced, especially in the first two stanzas, when that distance-defying connection is shared. I read somewhere that communication is deeper in long-distance relationships. It figures.

Corrections:
insistant - insistent
acheing - aching
I'm here ,day - I'm here, day
fresh fallen snow - fresh-fallen snow

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
7
7
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sean.

This poem, with its consistent rhyme and vivid imagery, played out nicely in the theatre of the eye.

Not necessarily in the manner intended, though.

I visualised an erotic scene from these lines:

Beauty appears, invades my space, tempts my sight...
While her fiery mane dances, provocatively sweet...

And from these ones, I got the impression the persona was at a crossroads, perhaps suicidal, before being dissuaded by the angel:

While inside, I am fighting to survive...

As I gaze into her eyes, depression starts to falter,
Demons retreat, no longer circling the altar.
A touch, a smile, my angel in disguise,
Leads my soul away from certain demise.

All in all, it was an enjoyable read. I just wish I was better at interpretting complex poems.

Thanks for sharing.

TJay

8
8
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Iva.

The disappointment is like a scream in this poem. As indeed it should if one is let down by their kin. I'm sorry, if it's based on real-life. That last stanza is scary.

Sounds to me like the blurb should read: A poem about being disappointed by someone--not disappointing someone--totally.

Thanks for sharing.

TJay
9
9
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Dan.

As a night person, even beyond my writing world, I related to that sense of burning the midnight oil you so aptly described.

As a poet, though not rule-pedantic, I found the rhyme flawless; the rhythm, not entirely. Stanzas two and six defy the trend of an end-line built around the word "hope".

And as a writer, I felt like you were telling the story of my life, though I stumbled every time you mixed literature with music:

We write our song with open heart...
We hope through songs the Muse will look...
For as we write our song tonight...
For in this book we write our song...

I think it would read better if you said "story" or "novel" or "draft" or "manuscript". Anything but song, unless what you had in mind was indeed a book of songs.

Poems can require an understanding of subtext that sometimes eludes me, so I'm sorry if I missed anything but hope there's food for thought in my feedback. My favourite part was:

"The moon and stars are bright," we write.
"Insomnia is hard to fight."
We drop our eyes and then, aware,
we use our journals like a prayer.

Thanks for sharing.

Kind regards,
TJay
10
10
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, DJ Huk.

This is a complex story. It stars funny characters with biblical names that seem a satire on religion, but the one who coined them is philosophical about it. Even the nonbiblical-named character—Beeratrice—has biblical logic behind her equally memorable given name.

The story has a stop-start flow that shifts the perspective from one person’s head to another, if not the narrative from one scene to another. I wasn’t taken by it immediately, but I sensed a creativity that was worth exploring, as I once did with a Danish movie called Adam’s Apples that left me wondering who between an ex-convict and the priest trying to reform him was the real bad guy.

Quotable quote:
“And what other manner of cerebral convulsions are these that you spread like insidious vermin? what, that our Lord God imbibed Magic Mushrooms and thus Created Mass Hallucinations of Supposed Miracles?”

The following corrections will need to be made:

Colon – this is one of those punctuation marks whose usage should be minimized, but in your story, it is too rampant. The first paragraph alone has three of them.
Expanding on the notion – Expounding on the notion
Father Satan smiles, and said – says
the distance presence - the distant presence

Other comments:

The first-person narrative is out of place since it usually comes with a limited perspective, but in this story the angle shifts to other characters, revealing their internal thoughts outside the reasonable scope of the “I” narrator.

Also, the erratic structure of the plot is rather jarring as there are no obvious cut-off points, like the end of an argument. This is not necessarily a flaw, but it would be better off minimised or used in the climax of the story to heighten suspense and increase pace. One thing that I would otherwise discourage but works in this context is the use of subheadings before each segment.

Lastly, I didn’t understand the transition from Baby Jesus to Baby Judas.

In the end, it appears there is a quest for a story by the “I” narrator. This mirrors the experience of readers as they navigate through the back-and-forth quagmire of a plot and try to share the narrator’s eventual epiphany.

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
11
11
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Lilly.

I like the imagery in this mini-memoir. It walks the reader through the setting with lots of details.

Corrections:
Street. "As – the speech marks should come after the full stop, not be attached to As.
her Mother – her mother (the cap would be necessary if the proper noun version of mother was used.)
Flashes of concrete… - this sentence sounds like it should start with, There were flashes…
10 year old – 10-year-old
an apricot tree in the back, that – delete the comma before “that” or replace “that” with “which”
kept it wild – this phrase is hanging; it needs a connector like “that” or “which”
The front house, had – delete the comma

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing.

Cheers, TJay
12
12
Review of The Silent Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Pony Tale.

I checked your portfolio to reciprocate a review you gave me and this story caught my attention.

This is gripping! Felt like I was watching a horror movie. It’s dreadful enough to read it, but the indication of a date (It was Christmas, 2001) makes me fear the worst. Was it based on a real life experience? If so, then I’m really sorry about your friends.

Real or not, though, it’s very well written, from the throw-caution-to-the-wind adventure all the way up to the calm-after-the-storm moment, complete with the Christmas hymn, Silent Night. For your friends’ sake, I hope it’s just something you dreamed up after watching the famous shark movie Jaws.

My favourite part, which is referred to in the intro and somewhat recurs in the end, was:

In an instant the ocean became unusually calm as if time had transferred us to another day, another hour. Stars began to sprout like poppies in a black garden above our heads and everything blurred together. I thought I had lost all my senses. Then I heard Ben. "What were we thinking? Why did we do this? We shouldn't be out here!"

The story is well edited, so I’ve no grammatical errors to point out.

Thanks for sharing. So short yet so intriguing.

TJay
13
13
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jakrebs.

This reminds me of a show I saw on YouTube called “The Completely Honest Guy”. It depicts various scenarios in which we put on an act—in an interview, at a funeral, at a wedding, etc.—then this guy decides to speak his mind, much to the discomfort of his present company, even when he simply airs what others were thinking, for example about the dead guy in the funeral who’s really not worth half the praise being lavished on him.

I could put on my imaginary counseller’s hat and say, oh, this and that is the best time to share your baggage, but let’s face it, there’s no formula for relationships. I thought I had found one after trying to engender frankness over a two-year friendship with my ex, but the one-year relationship that followed was littered with revelations that kept straining my trust in her. I guess at the end of the day, it’s not about the timing of the disclosures; it’s about how high your ceiling of compromise is, because even the best-matched couple are bound to have differences in the fullness of time. So yeah, enjoy the honeymoon phase of the relationship while it lasts.

Cheers,
TJay
14
14
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Drifter

Where there is this much doom and gloom, I suppose the best closure is indeed a parting of the ways. The better part of my nature would advise counselling, a mutual effort to rekindle the spark, or mere separation for a while to ease the friction, but the wearer knows where the shoe pinches and whether ditching the shoe is indeed altogether better than toying with the fit.

Cheers,
TJay
15
15
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winklett.

I saw your story cited on a WDC newsletter about cyber love. I was curious about it as I too have had an online relationship that also didn’t end well, but not for lack of compatibility.

My comments:

“You know how sometimes it’s easier to pour your heart out to strangers?” Yup. I guess that’s what Catholic-style confession thrives on, albeit for unburdening’s sake rather than validation.

“For obvious reasons, you can’t be a quiet person on the Internet. All you have are words.” Well said. I think that’s one personality trait that any potential online couple should inquire of each other early one. In my case, we both claimed to be shy in public, and so it proved when we met. But we were as chatty in private as we were online.

“I found myself unable and unwilling to walk away. I had worked too hard, believed too completely.” I know that feeling. I made compromises I wouldn’t have with someone else after falling for my own online crush, and overlooked challenges that eventually cost us the relationship.

Sorry for your experience, but I’m glad you are much the wiser for it, and grateful that you've shared that wisdom here. I still believe in cyber love, but if there’s any place where one should play hard-to-get, it is when dealing with a stranger online.

Kind regards,
TJay
16
16
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sparrows.

Indeed, I’ve read the original and I think this version is a lot better. The suspense builds up longer and the character lives to tell the tale. My favourite part was:

“As if by some deeply instilled self defense mechanism, his mind slammed the door on the coalescing picture of the creature’s visage.”

Grammatically, you’ll need to correct the following:
shinning - shining
begin to flicker - began to flicker (consistency of tense)
The nights humidity – night’s (add apostrophe)
coupled … motorists – put a comma before coupled and after motorists
All though - although
passed him – past him
there sound – their sound
a bitter sweet – bitter-sweet
Bills nerve - Bill’s nerve

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
17
17
Review of First Heat  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Amay.

You capture the “high school” feel to the couple’s interactions very well. There’s that sense of adventure and excitement that is typical of teenagers.

That said, the blurb reads, “Long time on-line friends”, but the story casts them more like long-time lovers. Things move too fast. There is none of the joy or nervousness you’d expect from people meeting for the first time, nor any indication that there’s more to their relationship than physical attraction. The lady comes across as desperate after a long bedroom drought, while the man’s motivation could be anything from exploiting her hunger to acting out some heavy flirting they’d done online. Either way, it’s left to the readers’ imagination, which puts the depth of their love into question.

The grammar is good, except for the word “on-line” It should not be hyphenated.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
TJay
18
18
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Susan.

True to the title, this has that dark, gritty feel you’d expect in street life. What would be a simple walk for someone else is a risky affair here, where drugs, theft, prostitution, and murder cross your path without warning. Through the narrator’s thoughts, we get to learn about his past, his feelings, even the humanity that lies beneath that tough exterior when confronted with a hapless victim; so he comes across as a well-developed character. I love noir fiction, so I loved this tale.

Grammatically, the following need correction:

constantly.. – delete the extra full stop
it’s rhythm – its rhythm
alley between buildings – alley is a space between buildings, so the “between buildings” is redundant
I press close to the side of the alley. The brick of the building was – the change of tense from present to past is abrupt
it’s shadow – its shadow
dark, coppery odour of blood – “dark, coppery” are visual adjectives yet “odour” is a smell
was the cops problem – the cops’ problem

Otherwise, delete the extra space between the following words:
Walking , I (between “walking” and the comma)
not everyone is what (between “is” and “what”)
My T-shirt
of death

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
19
19
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Judity.

Your descriptions are tantalizingly vivid. I felt like I was eating the chocolate pieces myself. And true to the title, there's an all-out sensory immersion in the experience.

My favourite part was when the narrator had a pang of guilt for gobbling up the candy:

"Where once they contained the richest of chocolate treats, now they were empty. Their emptiness seemed to taunt her about her greediness, but she refused to feel guilt." *Bigsmile* You can't blame her; they sure sounded irresistible!

Not sure what to make of the note discovered at the end: "Enjoy!" Could it be that the narrator sent the chocolate package to herself? I've heard of people sending themselves flowers and stuff when they don't have a date on Valentine's, but that's to save face in public places (the office), whereas this one is alone, so I don't know...

Thanks for sharing. I hadn't thought much of today's Valentine's until I read this. Definitely worth sharing with chocoholics. I'm not one of them, but I enjoyed it as well.

Cheers,

TJay
20
20
Review of Lucky At Cards  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Howdy, TomVee.

Cards and cowboys may be a lethal combination, but it sure makes for a fun read. *Bigsmile* I like how you’ve captured the cowboy lingo, not just in deeds but in the thoughts of the narrator. Was expecting to hear some ya’s and y’alls to add a bit more Western spice. My favourite part was the intro. It tells you right away there are gonna be some fireworks:

"A chair scraped. Spurs jangled. He stood up. Wasn’t all that tall. Kinda dark, skinny-like; snakey, I ‘spect you’d say. He looked right at me, sitting just across the table. Said, “You’re a cheat. A damn four-flushin’ cheat. You been cheatin’ all night.” He said it so hard spit sprayed from his lips."

A couple of corrections:
‘spect, ‘Course, ‘poke – the preceding apostrophes should face outwards, not inwards
I considered on that – delete the “on”

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
21
21
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Sorciere.

This is a timely and well-written tribute to an international icon. I’ve read many a tribute but not in poetic form.

One of my favourite parts was the citation of his famous quote:

“…IT IS AN IDEAL WHICH I HOPE TO LIVE FOR AND ACHIEVE. BUT IF NEEDS BE, IT IS AN IDEAL FOR WHICH I AM PREPARED TO DIE.”

It was nice to learn some local terms for phrases that defined the time: the militant wing of the ANC, the segregationist term, etc. I also didn’t know Mandela’s middle name, but you provided it here.

If there’s any room for improvement, then consider these:
NELSON MANDELA THE MAN – perhaps it should have a comma after “Mandela”?
"Umkhonto we Sizwe" The ANC – “Umkhonto we Sizwe” of the ANC?
Mandela was born in in 1918. – delete the second “in”

Otherwise, Mandela’s nickname “Madiba” is world-renowned. Wouldn’t it be worth a mention here?

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Thanks for sharing, and may God help The Man to recover from his latest medical woes.

Cheers,
TJay
22
22
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a touching story. I’m a pet person myself, just more into cats, but I’m delighted the dog was recovered and your husband survived.

Corrections:
one of my very favorite stones a blue star sapphire. - one of my very favorite stones: a blue star sapphire.
life threating – life-threatening
Sometimes the silence was unbearable it was during - Sometimes the silence was unbearable. It was during
my thoughts starting spiraling – started spiraling

Cheers, and thanks for sharing.
TJay
23
23
Review of Caged In  Open in new Window.
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Melzgr8.

This was an excellent portrayal of an attempt to mess with someone’s psychology as an interrogation technique. It’s different from the carrot and stick approach one would expect, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people who are talked into accepting guilt this way for things they never did. Glad this guy didn’t break, though.

I liked how you described the emotions in this scenario, for example in this part:

He looked up into the detective’s eyes just in time to see her momentarily shocked expression mould quickly into a look of vague interest. “Go on,” she said in a deliberately indifferent voice.

I also liked how you used a dialogue to convey the incident that led to the narrator’s arrest. It was like a flashback in a flashback, yet told so seamlessly.

The lack of grammatical errors is also a plus. Sorry, but I can’t find anything to criticize. It was well-written and intriguing. Left me wishing for more.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.
TJay

24
24
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Druid.

This is pretty short compared to part one, and rather rushed. As such, it is not as intense. It has the same rhythm of wallowing in uncertainty, showering, sleeping, and an ending that leaves us hanging, but it spends more time talking about the lodge than the relationship, so it doesn't elicit as much emotional immersion.

Corrections:
a lovers getaway - a lovers’ getaway (add apostrophe)
it's deep softness - its deep softness (delete apostrophe)

Other:
There’s a contradiction whereby in the first paragraph, Ru says:
“I'm distracted though, and can't really appreciate the romance of the surroundings”
But then in the second, he is: “Looking around the room, drinking in the ambience, the atmosphere.”

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Thanks for sharing.
TJay
25
25
Review by Madridista Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Druid.

I’ve been told a short story shouldn’t have a flashback; that ideally, it should stick to a sequential format. But the way you move so seamlessly to the past and then back to the present is irreproachable. I suppose it helps that the time reversal featured a phone call as well, but how you used it to draw us so into the emotion of the moment built up the tension in ways a linear structure couldn’t.

Moreover, the fears conveyed by Ru’s exaggerations, the weight of expectation in every pause by Myra, and the hopes of their getting back together make for fascinating reading. It’s fitting that the end is the cliff hanger of a proposed get-together.

Myra must have been quite something to the narrator for him to still feel so strongly about her after a ten-year hiatus. I was going to question the authenticity of such prospects given the lack of personal contact for so long, but you sufficiently conveyed the memories that made it plausible.

Corrections:
try again, "hello?" – “Hello?”
for a what seems like forever – delete the “a”

That’s all. Hope this helps.

Thanks for sharing.

Cheers,
TJay
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