The very first thing I noticed was your incredible world building skills. You have an immeasurable imagination. The world you created was astounding. I tell you this as a writer that finds world building a tad daunting--especially to the extreme you have taken it. Much kudos for this. On the flip side of that, I want to tell you that most of the world you built did not necessarily need to be shared with the reader. It was obviously a needed thing to nurture your story in, but including the entirety of the background in the begining of the story made it drag.
From there, I want to give you a hard truth that was--with much pain--passed on to me fairly recently. Please show me the story, try not to tell me the story. There is a difference, and that was the painful part of the lesson for me. In explaining your created future, you "told" me all about it. Nobody was doing anything, and nothing happened. Background is always important, but can be imparted in much more simplistic ways. Inference and implication are great tools. For example: I really didn't need to know about the Singleton International Accord. I needed you to show me how it affected your characters. I needed to be shown their reactions and beliefs regarding that Accord. What was the impact on their personal and professional lives? This could have been brought up in a conversation between characters in which they express their disdain or approval or nonchalance or whatever. It could have been implied in the main character's thoughts as he witnesses its effects on someone he knows.
Speaking of "knowing" people...
I don't know your characters. I would like to, but I don't. Evan was your main character, but I could not get a grasp on his personality. You "told" me he loves Kaya, but I couldn't feel the love. It was a rather flat relationship that played out in my mind as I read through the story. What does Kaya look like? You mentioned that Evan loves her because she was everything he wasn't. Okay. What does that mean, exactly? Show me! Please? Pretty please with sugar on top?
Why did Manuel give up being a doctor to come to the United States. Yes, you mentioned he wanted a better future for his children that he didn't have until after he got there, but what does that mean to him? What does he define as a better future? How does he see this playing out? What, exactly, are the joys he gets out of watching those kids grow up where they are compared to where they were? What would they have faced in Mexico that they were trying to outrun? A "better future" is so cliche, it frankly sounds like a weak excuse. Don't misunderstand me, I have four beautiful girls myself. However, I can detail inch thick essays on the fly about what a "better future" means in terms of my girls. Maybe Manuel can give me a hint? Just a little clue?
If Manuel is from Mexico, why does he speak perfect English? It's not first language, is it? It could be, but I have no idea from your story where he learned it.
As an adult I have lived in countries not my own, and I can tell you from first hand experience, that when I reached the limit of my foreign language vocabulary, I reverted back to English. It was my security blanket. I also had a tendency to view the strange new world around me through the filter of my own culture. Basically, what I am saying is that I stood out as definitely not native. I didn't act, speak, or understand the way the natives did. Things had to be explained to me in simple terms. Often I still didn't get it, I had to just go with the flow.
That in mind, what is Manuel's take on all this immortality stuff? He has a talk with Evan and says that he would be tempted. He also mentions no longer being surrounded by his community. But what does that look like? There was a lot riding on Evan's decision, I would think that Manuel had a pretty passionate view on the subject. I'd like to see that in action. Maybe his eyes narrow while he talks. Maybe he shakes his head at some point that he dislikes or disagrees with. Maybe he uses his hands while he talks. Maybe he raises his voice. Maybe he talks in low tones. Maybe his cheeks flush. I want to see the conversation.
Lastly, I want to ask you if you talk the way your characters do? I don't. I could see Evan talking in perfect, grammatically correct, appropriately structured sentences because he was genetically engineered to be super smart. But Manuel is the layman in this story. He's not from the first world country. Yeah, he's got an education, but he's also speaking a language he didn't grow up with. I imagine he'd use some slang like the rest of us normal people do. Again, don't misunderstand me, I used to be a self proclaimed gramar natzi. As you can see, I am no longer. I learned to let it go. It's a difficult thing, but people just don't talk like that. My professors in college used slang, told bad jokes at inappropriate times, stuttered, misplaced their modifiers, and split their infinitives. All in one lecture.
One of my favorite research tools is people watching. I like to say that I don't gather friends, I collect personalities. And study them. My friends are as varied as the temperatures around the planet. They all speak differently and use different slang. Their forms of speech show their personalities and cultures. I use my friends as examples to round out and flesh out my characters. I use their verbal mannerisms to compile my dialogues.
To sum this all up, I want to tell you that I love your story! The dark aspect of having to choose between Kaya and his own life was thrilling. I kinda wish you had put more passion and drama into their relationship. As I mentioned before, I couldn't feel the love between them. It would have lent a darker twist to hear his thoughts as he deliberates. Maybe if we could see the emotion play out on his face. Maybe if he picked up the pill and put it down a few times. Maybe if he cursed at it. Or at himself. Maybe he had to gather his courage to toss that thing back. What would that have looked like? What did Kaya say to him as they were parted? They were clinging to each other, did he suddenly feel cold as she left? Did he have a sense of foreboding? Did she cry? Did she smile? Was she forced away or pulled away by the guards? I kinda want to see a more dramatic parting. It would emphasize the difficulty of his choice.
It is a really, really good idea. Thank you very much for sharing this story with me. I regret that I had to give you only 3.5 stars. The story needs a lot of polishing. But the plot is sound. Please keep at it! Keep learning. Keep growing. You will do great things with that imagination of yours. |
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