Hi! I want to start off by saying that I am a BIG Harry Potter fan! I appreciate you're sense of humor! I couldn't stop laughing the enire time I was reading this!!! Well, that's about all I wanted to say!
I want to start off by saying welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy this site as much as I do! Ok, let's get down to business, shall we?
You started off pretty good, however, you might want to reveal the main character's name a little earlier so the reader can begin to get to know him/her faster. Also, you used to "usual" twice in one sentence. I understand that this was for emphasis, so I suggest breaking it up into two sentences or using a different word entirely.
Try describing the scene a little more. This is so the reader feels like they are sitting right next to Jack in the bar. Just make sure that the descrpition is believable. For instance, you described the Old Man as having "perfect, white teeth." Most older people don't have perfect, white teeth!
Last point, when including dialouge, space it out so it separate from the rest of the story. Examlple:
Coming down off of his bar stool and grabbing his drink, the Old Man walked up and sat down right next to him. Jack had always been friendly and hell, he made friends like this all the time.
"Hi there," Jack said, taking another sip from his glass.
"Hi there, Jack? How was work tonight?" The Old Man smiled, showing perfect, white teeth.
"Do we know each other? What machine do you run?" Jack was sure he hadn't seen him around the plant before, but he didn't normally care about stuff like that anyway.
This makes it easier to be read.
I'm going to leave you with a reference that helped me. Don't worry, it's on this site! Search for "Ten Writing No-No's" by emerin. This is only to help you improve your writing on a grammatic level.
I am absolutely in love with this article! I make some of these same mistakes myself! I need someone like you to proofread my work and tell it like it is! I really do want to print this off and use it as a refrence. I do have a suggestion though. My thing is subject-verb agreement. Some people don't understand how that works or can't seem to figure out how to work around those prepostional phrases. Maybe that can make your list!
First I want to say welcome to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying this site as much as I am! You wanted feedback as to how to improve this story and how to end it. I can't really give you suggestions on how to end it because I have no idea what your vision is.
Ok, time for the review:
This is a very creative and entertaining concept. Just be very conscious that it doesn't start to resemble other stories. I like the little touches of humor throughout this passage. I have one major suggestion as to how to improve it. PROOFREAD. There are many run-on sentences throughout this peice, as well as other grammatical errors. For example:
"Big blue eyes a happily wagging tail and playfulness with a hint of happiness in the dog’s eyes." There should be commas separating each description. I wont highlight all the errors because you'll see them when you go back and proofread.
Also, you should slow down and really describe what's happenning in the story. Like in the beginning, you should think of a way to really draw in the reader so they'll want to keep reading. We authors tend to rush things when we want to get an idea down, but taking the time to really explain the situation would give the audience the chance to see what you see. I do this also, so don't feel bad! :)
Also, you used his name after a quotaion:
" “Of course not, I know how much you don’t like pets” James said offensively." It should be I said instead of James said since he is the one telling the story.
When introducing a change in the situation, you should start a new paragraph so the reader doesn't get confused and it doesn't look jumbled.
All in all, I liked what you wrote. I can see this as being a really great story once you edit it. Your writing style just needs a little nuturing. The best way to do that is to keep writing!
I want to start off by saying welcome to Writing.com! I hope this site inspires you to keep writing!
Ok, now the review:
Overall I liked this story. I like the way you revealed just enough of the character and her situation to keep us reading, but not too much to make us bored with your story. The way the sentences are worded gives a sense of being lost, as I am sure this is what the character is feeling. There are some grammatical errors, but nothing that you can't easily fix.
For example, you could try combining these two sentences: "Because once I leave today. Actually, glancing at my watch, it looks like I've got twelve minutes left." The first sentence is a fragment and could confuse the reader.
"In the picture, my mom is giving me a piggy back ride and I am seven." You could try to reword this sentence. If you don't mind, I would like to give you an example of how you could fix this: "This picture was taken when I was seven years old. In it, my mom is giving me a piggy back ride." Or something along those lines.
I wouldn't dream of telling you to write, I only want to give you suggestions on how to improve what you have written. I honestly can't wait until you post more of this story and I hope that you will keep me posted!
Keep up the good work and remember: KEEP WRITING!
Hi! I want to start off by saying welcome to Writing.com! It truly is a wonderful place for both writers and readers.
Ok, let's talk about your story.
First off, there are a few grammatical errors here and there:
"The enemy of my enemy is my friend" Shungaku thought to himself as he looked over the small gathering of men.
"I know the Way that is seen is not the true Way but I must pick a path" , he said.
Just a few nit-picky things that you can fix through proofreading.
When you talk about the Subs and the Taoist Warriors, I would suggest capitalizing them so the reader knows that they are important to the story.
You should be careful to avoid concepts that have been done so many times before, such as Good vs. Evil. It can become a little cliche' and the reader could become bored. I would suggest giving the character a bigger incentive to resist the government.
When everything's all said and done, I think you have developed a good concept. The story will come along the more you add to it and edit it. I would suggest letting friends and family read it before posting.
Hello Sway, welcome to writing.com. I'm new here too, you should check out my site:).
I'd like to start off ny saying that I'm sorry for your loss. My situation is actullay the exact opposite of yours. I lost my mom three years ago. I know how it feels to be lost. Poems are generally "not my thing" but I have to say that this one in particular spoke volumes to me. I love the fact that it didn't rhyme. To me me, rhyming constitutes happiness and there's nothing happy about this poem. All in all, I really enjoyed your work and look forward to reading more from you.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the underlying meaning of this story is. Does the girl struggle with an eating disorder? In one sense, I could say to be clearer on the delivery. Leaving the reader with too much to think about takes away from the work. This allows them to create their own story instead of an interpretation of the story you created. I did like this passage however. Your style of writing is interesting.
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