Koyel, this is a beautiful, pious poem. This is a poem that you can come back to and reread whenever you feel the need for a higher power. This is also expresses a prayer that your readers can use. It calms me just to read it.
Effectiveness of Form:
You did very well with the Terza Rima Sonnet. Your pattern of ABA BCB CDC DED EE is correct for this type of sonnet. The 11 syllables per line is good, although in the 3rd stanza the first 2 lines fall to 10 syllables and in the last line it jumps to 13 syllables. I know I'm being picky, but I am just learning about this type of poetry. This hopefully will help you as it has helped me. You write beautifully.
Punctuation and Grammar:
Punctuation and grammar appear to be just fine.
Closing Comments:
Thank you for writing and sharing this spiritual poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry. I enjoy your enthusiasm and desire to try new forms of poetry.
Hello George! I read "Ingenuous" and wanted to offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:
You are a very good poet of humor. Very much in the style of Will Rogers - dontcha' think? I love playing with words and you do it well. This poem put a big smile on my face - humor can be difficult as I have learned.
Effectiveness of Form:
Your rhythm and rhyme is impeccable. I even read it out loud. You should make a little book of poetry like this. I thought the form was perfect for the subject matter.
Punctuation and Grammar:
Punctuation was just fine. Grammar - the dialect was perfect to my ears.
Closing Comments:
I like how you write of the old west. It has a lot of charm and is part of our heritage. I look forward to reading more from you.
Hello Sarge! I read "Bang" and wanted to offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:
This poem has a very definite emotional impact on the reader. I could feel the frustration, anger and sadness all wrapped together in this plea for the shooting to stop.
Effectiveness of Form:
This is a free-style type of poem and I felt it was appropriate for the out-pouring of one's heart. It doesn't need to rhyme or have a certain amount of lines per stanzas. It had a good rhythm, where the emphasis landed on the words you wanted stressed. I liked how you ended each stanza and ended with a memorial at the end.
Punctuation and Grammar:
This is free-style, so you put the commas and punctuation where you think you need pauses or sentence ending. I don't think that grammar is important in poetry if one is using a dialect or street vernacular. This poem had proper grammar.
Closing Comments:
I am sorry for your loss. It just doesn't make any sense, does it?
Yikes! That'll teach those rotten kids! Heck of a plan. I never know what I'm going to find when I open one of your links! Let's hope no angry 7th grader finds this. You're not disgruntled or anything are you? Just kidding. It's great to be back and I look forward to more of your flash fictions.
Hello fyn! I read "Cliche Cache" and wanted to offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:
This is a delightful poem that comically shows how frustrating it can be when you are pressured to come up with something for a contest or challenge.
Effectiveness of Form:
I really liked the conversational format to this poem. The rhyming was free-style, starting with a pattern, then just rhyming whenever possible. The rhythm was good and fun to read aloud.
Punctuation and Grammar:
I spotted only one spot - 3rd line of the 1st stanza - "i" needs to be "I".
Closing Comments:
Nice poem. I like your sense of humor. It did take me reading it several times to get the "stuffed-duck eating puppies" part figured out. Maybe if you wrote it "stuffed duck-eating puppies" - I might have caught on quicker. Then again, maybe not - I can be pretty dense.
This is a great, near future sci fi story. This is a world in which nature is the enemy and humans feel the need to exploit the earth for all it's worth. This man, alone, wants to make a stand - for some reason, he understands the wrongness of what the governments are doing. Thorough brain-washing I presume is what has happened across the board. It reminded me of past sci fi short stories that I have read, but yet it was unique and held a possibility that had not occurred to me.
What I Liked:
I liked that it is a very creative story with a twist on our present concern that we are killing the earth. It grabs the reader at the beginning and keeps the reader intrigued through to the end. The POV made it interesting.
Suggestions:
This is a good story and I cannot come up with any major suggestions. It might be good to go into more of why the government and society were so anti-nature; and what was going to cause his demise.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
The only place that I saw that a comma was necessary was in the sentence: "Even my wife left me(,) unable to deal with the constant abuse heaped on us by former friends."
This was a great use of the prompts. You have an excellent imagination.
I thought the emotional impact was very strong. I could sense the loneliness and sadness after the relationship is over. There are some very beautiful lines in this poem. I feel like this poem was written in haste, before the melancholy mood passed. It was if you were trying to capture something in your heart before it left you.
Effectiveness of Form:
The form was effective in that the lines corresponded with the words that you wanted to emphasize. This free-style type of verse relies on the emphasis of phrases and words and you have captured your audience with lines such as "Think" and "Alone".
Punctuation and Grammar:
There were just a few items that I noted:
In the first stanza, third line you used a double negative: "You know no voice will (not) greet" The "not" should be omitted.
In your title the "Your" should be "You're".
In the last stanza, second line, "You" should be "Your"
Lastly, (aren't you relieved? lol) In the last stanza, last line, what do you think about adding a comma after "death"?
Closing Comments:
You have a knack for poetry. I enjoyed reading this piece and look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello Willow! I read "Sunlight Dances" and wanted to offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:
Wow, this is an absolutely lovely poem. You are quite talented. The emotional impact of this poem is strong without a doubt. I can feel the warmth of the sun and the love of the couple.
Effectiveness of Form:
I am just learning about poetry, but I really enjoyed the rhythm and rhyme to Sunlight Dances. The beat and the words that you chose, in my opinion, fit perfectly and flowed to the end.
Punctuation and Grammar:
Punctuation and grammar are perfect.
Closing Comments:
I love this poem. I believe this is a winner. I particularly like how you compared ever-lasting love with the sunlight - shades of light and dark. Simply beautiful!
Given a choice of how to die, I think that you have written the perfect way. At peace, happily thinking about someone who loved you deeply. She's with him now and they lived a long life. Children and grandchildren - what more could anyone desire?
What I Liked:
I loved how you described her day out on the town with the ladies and coming home to find her husband a mess. Little did she know it was all for her. Given the length of the story, the characters were strong. I could visualize the elderly couple in good spirits, with an everlasting love for each other, strengthened by time.
Suggestions:
There was only one place that I noted an error - "He was a mess and all spattered mud from the hose." I think you meant "with mud"
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Your punctuation, grammar and spelling all seemed to be just fine.
This was a lovely story, one that I pray that I may have the luck to imitate. You beautifully described timeless love. And to plant flowers for someone is so touching.
This is a terrifying story. It is very graphic and gruesome. 'Fletcher and the Dark Home' reminds me of a what could be a scary movie, where it's difficult to tell what is real and what is not.
What I Liked:
You are very good with the descriptions. I liked that you did not repeat yourself with these descriptions. Your vocabulary is extensive. I liked how you went from his insanity to reality, so that the reader could tell what drove Fletcher to his madness.
I also liked the ending where the detective got the story wrong and thought himself Sherlock Holmes.
Suggestions:
You may wish to delineate more when you are shifting from reality back to Fletcher's haunted mind. I was a little confused at one point and had to reread it. Maybe if you put the '****' spacer between the paragraph that starts with "Fletcher grabbed his hair and tugged at it," and the paragraph that starts with "The truth was out," And another spacer between the paragraph that starts with "And now this." and "A sound took Fletcher from his distress," This may allow the reader to go back and forth a little easier.
I think maybe the title does not go with the story. Only my opinion, but maybe calling it 'The Apartment' or something like that would grab the reader's attention.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Your punctuation is good, maybe a few more commas are needed here and there. There are good sites to brush up on the use of commas and semi colons.
Your grammar is good. I enjoyed your command of the English language.
One thing that I noted was at the very beginning, you stated that it was eleven o'clock in the afternoon.
At the end, you stated that "Fletcher stood for a moment, thoughtful,". I think that you meant 'Andrews'.
Your spelling was perfect, I saw no errors.
I enjoyed your frightful story and the vivid images that it evoked. Poor, poor Fletcher.
Thought I'd check out this one. I have to say that this is one of my favorite flash fiction stories. It actually took me a second to figure out what 2 words you meant. Then I looked up and saw the title again. Very cool! I like that if you had added those 2 words you would've gone over the limit.
I plan on reading this entire big book. It probably deserves publication, but you have generously donated your research to those of us at WDC. I read the first chapter about the English Language as compared to different countries. Fascinating.
Suggestions:
This is a very organized document and I will look forward to reading the rest. I can offer no suggestions.
This a story straight from the heart. It was very interesting to learn a little about the Marines. I can imagine that this could turn into a very exciting novel.
Suggestions:
These suggestions are only meant to help us both grow as writers. Take what you want and throw the rest away.
You used the word "John" too many times in the first paragraph. Try using alternatives, such as "he" or "the young Marine"
"champing at the bit" is the original form, so you may get criticized for using "chomping" - although "chomping" is acceptable.
Watch your tenses - you shift from present to past frequently throughout the chapter.
It is "riff-raff"
I enjoyed reading your bio-block as well as your chapter. I thinks it's great that you are writing. You must have so much to tell. Good luck and if you ever need reviewing, just let me know!
Hi Xavier! After reading "Cracked Clay" , I offer these comments:
First Impression:
This a story about a bright young man that struggles with over-crowding, shyness, and a poor math teacher. Basically, this is a very common situation found in today's public schools. Not necessarily the inept teacher - most are quite noble and well-meaning, but in this story, the reader is viewing the system through an unhappy student's eyes.
What I Liked:
I liked the honesty and heartfelt portrayal of this young man. My favorite part was the description of the math class and the students catching the teacher's "intended mistakes".
Suggestions:
In the first paragraph "your" should be "you're"
You may wish to separate the paragraphs with a line space for easier reading
In the second paragraph there should be a comma after "another(,) always looking" and another comma after "teacher(,) Mr. Hearton,"
In the third paragraph you switched from "they" to "we". I'm not sure who is complaining - try rereading that paragraph to make it flow better.
"us" should be "them". "More" should not be capitalized.
This review is intended to help both of us become better writers. You have potential and I really did enjoy reading your story. Good Luck! I look forward to reading more from you.
This group is set up very nicely. I love the banner at the head. This is such a sweet idea that I would like to join. I will donate my GPs here. Let me know if I should have donated them elsewhere. I look forward to hearing from you. Good luck with this project.
Hi Jim! After reading "Tit For Tat" , I offer these comments:
First Impression:
Foblongo? I love it. You drew a very funny picture with your words today. I can just see the pygmy giving tummy rubs to the big lion after he jumped out roaring at him.
Suggestions:
Great story, no suggestions.
You have one of the best imaginations that I have read on this site. You are rarely, if ever, predictable.
Hi George! After reading "The Knockout" , I offer these comments:
First Impression:
You are obviously a boxing fan. You seemed to really know the sport. Your description of The Champ was very "developed". The ending threw me for a loop. I loved it. The way you wrote built the story to a climax and kept the reader interested. I'm glad that Theresa got a bonus, too.
Suggestions:
Just a couple of very minor trouble spots that did not take away from the story: The 6th Paragraph starting with "Finished . . - It is only a suggestion, but how about "Bruiser finished jumping rope and moved to the light bag . . . . " I think that flows a little smoother.
Also, the next to last sentence: "well deserved" needs a hyphen "well-deserved".
Overall, I think this is a very clever piece. I like stories that show the writer's knowledge of a subject. The narrator actually sounded like a reporter. You made your characters believable.
Hi DRSmith! After reading "BOUNDING HOME" , I offer these comments:
First Impression:
I am very impressed with your knowledge of WWII. It seems as if you were actually there. The descriptions of battle and the relationships formed between the soldiers was heart-wrenching. This is a story that is worthy of publication in a magazine or a book of short stories. I liked the main character's development as you see it through his men's eyes as well as the dialogue.
The way the story was told was well-thought out. I appreciated the way you had the men arrive for R&R and then flash-backed to what they had been through.
Suggestions:
I wish that I had suggestions, but in my opinion your story is just fine the way it is. I did not see any errors in punctuation or sentence structure. I had no problem following the story-line.
Although, my experience is limited, I honestly think that this is one of the best examples of writing that I have come across at WDC. Good luck to you and I hope for your success!
Hi, I'm reviewing this Flash Fiction piece for the Writer's Academy Review Club.
Overall impression: This was a very scary and sad story of a suicidal young person. It is so eerie and woeful that I may have nightmares.
Suggestions: Your writing was impeccable! I see no faults.
: I love how you write. Your descriptions are elegant and perceptive. I liked how you made the coming of Death a happy thing for this person - maybe a little sarcasm "I have great news! . . ."
You are a very talented writer. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi, I'm reviewing for the Writer's Academy Reviewing Club.
Overall impression: I thought this was a great story to go with the prompt. You have a wonderful imagination and a lot of information was conveyed in just a few words. You really captured the tabloid style article.
Suggestion: The only problem I saw was in the first sentence: "The setting is the Rosewood mansion . . ." The tense should be past, I think. When I change it to "was the Rosewood Mansion . . ", it becomes consistent with the rest of the story.
You are a good writer. I liked how you compactly fit all seven sins into a relatively short story.
Hi, I'm reviewing for the Writer's Academy Reviewing Club
My overall impression is that this is the most beautiful memorial that I have seen. WDC will live on and so will its members. I am so proud to be a part of such a loving community. Bless you for maintaining this message forum. I read many of the messages left and they were so touching. I hope to make such close friends as I have seen on this website.
This is an article that is full of valuable information. I recommend it to everyone that is going to review. I can't wait to get started on my own template. After 2 months of admiring the well-organized, thought-out reviews of some of our members, now I know how to really review. This course is going to be awesome. Thank you, Ms. Nicki
Sweet story. I like the way you give the voice to Blacky. My cat lies on her back and it cracks me up. You definitely are familiar with cat behavior. At first I was confused by the 2nd paragraph. I didn't get that Blue Eyes had stuck up for Blacky. I realize that it's difficult with the word limit, but since you had 296, maybe adding ", the blue-eyed siamese hissed." or something like that would make it flow smoother. Only my amateur opinion, I think this is a good story and that you're a good writer.
I really enjoyed this story. Very imaginative and it conveys a broad picture for only 295 words. I saw one teeny little error, 8th line from the top, "owners" needs an apostrophe "owner's". That was all I could find. You are a talented writer and you must have dogs because you obviously know what's going on in their heads!
Timi
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In the first stanza, third line you used a double negative: "You know no voice will (not) greet" The "not" should be omitted.