Hello, Andy! I came across this piece in today's poetry newsletter! I enjoyed reading it there, so I thought I'd pop in and take a closer look.
To asnwer the question you asked, yes, the abba, cddc, effe, gg scheme is perfectly acceptable, and is a normal varriation of the abab (ect) English Sonnet.
I noticed you dont use punctuation if it falls on the end of your lines, there a many missing commas. I know many who feel that the break in line is puncutation enough. I dont always agree and dont leave it so myself, but it certainly works well here, and repect it.
Something I might point out though, are lines
"Until my darkest night turns to blue"
"And a sky that once was black turns to blue." And
The first one seems to have a missing beat, a missing sylable in an iamb, and breaks down at "turns". A suggestion would be to make
It to "returns", or some other iambic word.
The second breaks down in the beginning and again at "turns". In "And a sky" it starts up with two unemphasized syllables in a row. That could be why the line still has ten, but it throws off the rythem quite a bit as you end up with two beats back to back at "black turns".
My suggestion would be "And skies that once were black turn back to blue." Because it would meld with the previous lines "turns", "turn" or "returns" (unless you come up with something you like better) as well as "back" sounding nicely with "back", internal rhyme is always a plus. In fact, the double "turns" was a very good thing in the first place, even with the meter off.
A point to consider in the third quadrain would be the three lines
"And hear you whisper gently in my ear/ ["]My darling, there is nothing you need fear/ In being lost[,] my love, there is no shame["] "
I think this is self explanitory. Punctuation on ends or not, it is a good idea to let people know where the speech begins and ends.
As for the rest, simply marvelleous. I loved the entire second quadrain, but most of all was the couplet. The way it turned it around in the end was delightful! Essentially, all thoughout the speaker was saying "I love you, I need you", and then it ended with a beautiful, short verse where the speaker feels the he is loved and needed. Couplets are awesome, and you reminded me of why! Thank you! I ought to rlwrite more sonnets :)
Peace!
~Helena |
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