The flow of this piece is fine. Its not my fav style of poety but it works.
Grammar etc:
I didn't come across anything
What I liked:
The repetition of the phrase "I remember..."
Suggestions:
Couple of things. Firslty the layout. Would it be better to divide up the lines:
"In your eyes I saw the stars,
They went on for miles." etc
Also the phrase "entangled like a glove" To me gloves are not something I consider to be entangled much. I have to admit I can't think of anything other...than glove. Perhaps the word that needs to change is "entangled"
Words of Encouragement:
This is a good solid poem. You are demonstrating really good potential and I hope to be able to read some more soon. Keep writing and sharing
A very descriptive and vivid short. Full of potential for more
Flow:
The flow is rapid. I liked the way it opened up with the end and moved from there, and interesting way to begininng
Imagery/Scenery/Setting:
You have a talent for description. It was easy to imagine what you where describing to us.
Characters:
I am interested in Michael I want to know more about what happened before and what is happening now.
Grammar etc:
I didn't find any mistakes.
What I liked:
Suggestions:
Its hard to see where things could get better. Perhaps - if possible take more time and go into more detail about what is happening to Michael to draw the reader into a more intimate relationship with him. I felt a little detached from the character. That is my only crit/suggestions.
Words of Encouragement:
This is a good solid piece of work. I am impressed by your talent. Keep writing and sharing this story with us.
I read the other chapters, but decided to hold the rest of my comments for here.
Flow:
The flow is great. It is fast pased and non-stop.
Imagery/Scenery/Setting:
All the way through it possible to picture what is happening. It is well described.
Characters:
The characters are growing and developing in each chapter. This is really good.
Grammar etc:
Seemed fine to me.
What I liked:
The ending! What a cliff hanger for the chapter!
Words of Encouragement:
As I said at my first review. This is not my normal style but I have found it addictive and well written. Well done. And please write the next chapter soon!
Having read your earlier one I had to look at this one too. Your imagery is really good and creates a definate atmosphere for the reader/hearer and and the chorus is very good.
I did have to re-read verse 3 a couple of times, so I am not sure if that needs a look at or whether that was just me.
You are a talented song writer and should be encouraged to keep on writing and sharing your works.
Thank you for sharing this with us here on WDC. This is clearly something very personal to you. It is a very powerful description of a life lived and shared with others.
You have combined you personal feelings so well with the descriptive nature. I am pleased to have been able to read it. Thank you.
A very simple, yet effective poem. I can see how it must have helped you through tough times. I really like the imagery you have used in it. Everything is of the air, floating, sky rainbow etc and this helps capture a mood for the journey as it were.
This sounds like a fitting tribute to a very special man. You have a lovely way with words that leaves the reader (or hearer) in no doubt how you feel about Rod
Words of Encouragement:
I hope you continue to write and seriously consider writing more songs. Keep on writing
This is an interesting poem that I got, but found a little difficult to read. You certainly have dealt with an interesting topic in greed and money and I think you have handled it well.
Imagery/Scenery/Setting:
I liked the imagery you used. I especially like the idea of flying free.
Grammar etc:
Nothing that I could see.
Words of Encouragement:
This was a good solid piece of work which I enjoyed readind. Keep writing and sharing your talent with us here.
I thought this was a really good piece of writing. Very contempoary and relevant to our times. You told a good story that kept me reading all the way through.
Imagery/Scenery/Setting:
You're desciptive elements ok, I might have tried to do some more description of the scenes - like the old leather chair worn into shape - but having said that I could just imagine the character sitting in their house glued to the screen.
Grammar etc:
I found one typo here....
"No one had ever called up to request that they remove thier services from thier (their) home.."
Words of Encouragement:
You have a real talent here. I was hooked - almost addicted to it. Well done and keep writing - please!!!
This has been a real journey. Thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings and being so honest. Its great to have people here who are open about how they feel and willing to share it with the world. In the virtual world its so easy to be false. To pretend to be something we are not. You are a beacon to people here about honesty and integrety and your blog shows that. Thank you for posting it up and please continue to post - regardless of what one or two people might rate you.
This was very brave of you to post this. You have written from the heart and it shows.
Imagery/Scenery/Setting:
I particularly liked these two lines "But fright can come to you at any age,
My fears won, kept me locked in a cage," The imagery that you create with these few words is brilliant. Well done.
Grammar etc:
I didnt find any mistakes.
Words of Encouragement:
You have been extremely brave posting this up and I think you have done an amazing job with writing this song. You have a talent and should be encouraged to keep on song writing.
This is an interesting tale. I think it has some potential but also needs some work to get it there.
Imagery:
The imagery is good, you have the beginings of some talent here. You could perhaps work on developing ideas a bit more. For example "Meanwhile back in the magically built up areas" sounds a little blunt and could be much more descriptive.
Characters:
There is some real scope with these characters. Again it might help the reader if you work a bit more on the descriptive side of the Characters - more detail about the baby for example, or Krug - I imagined him as some sort of battle hardended man - and would suspect he would have some scars of war that could add to his appearance.
Grammar etc:
There are a few mistakes: For example
"Krug back away hitting the edge of the globe," it should be "backed". I am happy to go through in more detail if you like - just let me know.
Suggestions:
Don't rush a story - give it space and room to grow. It all happens very quickly and could be developed more with more descriptive scenes and dialogue/character development.
Closing Remarks:
This is good, it does need work, but its worth putting in the effort. Keep writing and don't give up. I want to know where this goes.
You very graciously reviewed my little story of Jesus and the Sales Assistant and I wanted to see how you used your gift of writing. I loved this idea. I am a youth minister in the UK and with your kind permission I'd like to use this idea next Easter. I think its brillant.
It's so true that kids learn best when its fun. And I think adults do too most of the time. Thanks for this.
I thought this was a good story. It is well written and keeps you interested all the way to the end. Descriptively it is good and the overal story arc works well. I really liked the ending too. I felt that it was a good way to round it off. Well done.
I really enjoyed reading this story. This is a good piece of work. You have obviously worked hard on developing this into a good story. I really liked the dialouge and the descriptive scenes were excellent. Keep on writing and keep on creating insane characters.
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