I think that it is very realistic and the characters and the way they are presented is wonderful, the only thing that i could suggest is to have some more poetic descriptions around key parts of the narrative... like... describe in more depth what it feels like to see your own father in a coffin with white waxy skin... knowing that he's still here but you will never be able to hold him or touch him again... it's quite a confusing and horrible feeling i'm sure! If you can get people to feel what your character is feeling and empathise then you will be well on your way to making a brilliant book! You have a talent for flowing sentences and realistic situations, but all you need to do is go back and some more description to make sure people REALLY understand how your characters are feeling!
I hope that this helped you, and good luck with writing the rest of your novel, by the sounds of things it's going to be great!
This made me smile, because so many think that love is about getting buttrflies in your tummy and staring into eachothers eyes, and although that is a small part of it, so many forget that true love is about finding someone who is not perfect, but who you can accept anyway, and who you want things to work out with no matter what :)
I love stuff like this, at first it doesn't seem to make sense, it's just words that sound good together, but then you can see something start to emerge from it! I love it!
Wow, If I could, I would have given it five stars, it's amazing!
"while a migrant wind strums the telephone wires and plastic shopping bags fly about her head like ash" This was my favourite line; it really evoked a feeling of greyness and melancholy.
I like the way you built up the to the climax, it seemed like it was all going so well until the last paragraph! It was well written and rather tragic :)
It really flows, like a song. A small suggestion; "with the soft, blowin breeze" you might want to consider adding a g to the end of the word "blowin" or putting an apostrophe so it's "blowin'".
But apart from that, your rhymes and the way you use words is wonderful, the whole poem has the feeling of a song. I can really see from this that you love music and the fact that it inspires such wonderful poetry from you is just lovely!
This poem really shows the sweetness of the cycle of the seasons and how everything comes back to life after winters darkness. I can see from this that you must have a real love of nature. Your rhymes are also very good!
Wow, that was sad. A perfect description of, not only worry, but knowing the terrible truth deep inside yourself and not wanting to face it! Awesome :)
The only negative thing I have to say about this piece, is that I 'm not sure I undestood the first paragraph, but apart from that, I really liked it. I espeaccially liked the last paragraph, it really flowed and it reminded me of "The thunder, perfect mind" which is an ancient Gnostic poem!
All in all this is really good, well done :)
It is well written, but there are lots of spelling mistakes and some errors of punctuation.
I like the character, she reminds me of me and my friends, a free spirit.
Overall, good outline of character, and nice descriptions. The only thing that lets it down are the spelling mistakes and punctuation; if you go through it and correct the mistakes, I think it will be a fine piece of writing. :)
It's really sweet :)
I particularly liked;" None could say you didn't gain. (Yet you never forgot me, out there in the rain)"
I t conjures images of times gone, but also of something to be enjoyed in the future. Nice!
I really like how you've knotted this all together; the idea of painting and the colours and how they tie into life and death. I also think that the character is realistic, even though the story is quite short; you've managed to give depth and insight into this man who loves painting so much.
A lovely little poem about being in awe of creation and nature. You really allowed your feelings to flow through this piece, which is what makes it so effective :)
Hi, just a suggestion, you might want to consider using some commas at the end of each line, just to cut it up abit, so the reader knows when to take a breath but other than that I really liked all the imagery and symbolism is most effective. It has an air of sweetness, just like pink roses :)
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