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Public Reviews
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Review of The Gemini Effect  Open in new Window.
Review by thearcher78 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this. The prose is punchy and effective at communicating this actually quite creepy story! The only suggestions I have are minor, and might just be personal preference: rather than using “nervous” in the first paragraph, you could describe Noah as “shifting from foot to foot” or displaying some other nervous tick to help the reader better visualise the characters; and, for me, the phrase “waggled his finger” implies wriggling it around - you could opt for “beckoning” instead. These really are minor points though - I loved what you achieved with the limited word count and I’ll be trying not to think of creepy shadows when I turn the lights off tonight!


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Review of Starless  Open in new Window.
Review by thearcher78 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Josh,

I enjoyed your story! Throughout, Estella's character progression is clear: her initial fear of intimacy mirrored by her agoraphobia is gradually resolved, ending with her stargazing with her new partner. The sentence structure is varied throughout which helps keep the story engaging. You also have some particularly nice lines. This is my favourite:

"Sometimes she wondered how anyone could find solace when watching the stars, all those unknown worlds, expanding all the time, falling apart, swallowing everything."

You clearly have a good grasp on writing prose, but I think you could still develop your skills further. Your first paragraph, for instance, sets the scene well - we learn that Estella works in a lab and tends to work late (implying she is a workaholic), and has a fear of the night sky. This is great, but I think you could get this across both more concisely and immersively. As an example:

"The door closed automatically, warning light blinking as the laboratory alarm activated. It was late and above her the endless starry sky spiralled restlessly. She gulped fresh air, tearing her eyes away, the back of her neck prickling. Agoraphobia, as she learned years ago: the fear of open spaces. It would haunt her forever."

This is by no means perfect, but it delivers the same information as before in fewer words while placing the reader more in Estella's body, feeling the terror that she feels. As practice, you could go through some paragraphs you've written recently, bullet point the information you want your reader to glean, then cut your paragraph by 25-50% while ensuring that information is retained.

Hopefully that helps! Keep up with the writing, it's great:)

Katie


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