There is a nice flow here. I am concerned with the use of hyphens though, for me it was a distraction. I am not saying it wrong, I just do not see the need for them.
Maybe you can try some different word choices for this; unless, There is a specific meaning for them.
T
...
Little tears fill my eyes. Memories fill my mind, Truly a story we've all heard before. But, in this I find items that have been missing.
Very nice imagery, at times a bit too much verbiage? maybe. Not sure. Not really sure I mind. I can remember the Peanuts story from my youth. Happy memories of find the perfect tree for the house. Memories of the perfect time with the family.
Thank You. Very nicely done.
T
Very Fun!!!
I really enjoyed the imagery. the use of simple hidden hints had going. I thought at first it was fun to hear an older slang term for somebody. It was fun to see those little quirks keep coming back out here and there.
How wonderful. This has been a long and tiring week and you have help bring the funk out!
Thanks!!
T
Profound. Triumphant...is that possible?
I think that you could talk to the masses.
I usually like the standard form of poetry, meter and rhyme.
You drive more of an impact if you wold move this into another realm. Take the standard out; try something different.
I think that you can have the same impact, but more of an intense, deeper story if you take this idea and morph it into a more prose like form.
So many people are false taught that poetry MUST be in the strict form.
If you take this to the next level the reader will not only see your words, they will feel them. It will become part of their thoughts.
Lets take this:
Humbled by it's untamed strength
as it waits to strike again.
Caught within it's tightening grip,
held again in it's domain.
and try some movement...
Humbled by it's untamed strength
it waits to strike
the tightening grip...
Now, I may be way off on this and you may have struggled over this for months or even years, but some many truly profound poets do not know the strength their words could have with a little movement away from the "norm"
This is what I have been talking about for a long time.
Poetry DOES NOT have to be rhyming and perfect 4 lines pieces of drivel.
There is a distinct meaning behind what you having written here.
THe use of multiple lines, single words does as much, even more
than the just the words.
It directs your eyes and thus your thoughts towards the actually meaning.
Sometimes I get so frustrated with the people that cannot see beyond their own "private Idaho" if you will,
to what could be portrayed,
To the potential their words could have if they would only
think outside the norm. To beyond what their ignorant High school english teachers taught them.
( Wait that isn't fair it was only my english teacher ).
In any event, this was a work of art!
I can truly understand why the award was given to you. I
THere isn't much that I can say beyond:
Hmmm,
{indent /}I like the style, the way you aren't conforming to the "norm" with your poetry. I have and always will detest the !!"You must rhym you must have 4 lines per stanza. Blah blah whatever. I think I your voice is coming out in this piece, but I just can't quite hear what it is saying. Not your fault. ( I think :) )
{indent /}I am really going to have to think on this for the day and see if I can find what you are telling me.
It really seems to me that there are two distinct personalities fight to get out through your words. Tis in itself is not a bad thing. It is just a little confusing.
{indent /} Now do not get me wrong, confusing is good. I don't want you hand everything to me already cooked and ready to eat. I need to exercise "the little grey cells" as Hercule would say.
The intrinsic need for all to be given the meaning, to have the work done for us is well, it's just plain drivel.
Your use of the larger font intrigued me from the beginning. Very nice effect. The sizing of your verses lends to the overall notion that there may be more than the surface blah sickly sweet appearance. If you dig deeper I think that the true nature shines through.
I hope that you find what you are looking for in life and continue to produce such wonderful pieces of art.
Yes, art! Do not let anyone else tell you that it is not!!
I will be watching your protfolio from now on.
T
Actually 10 should be available for a rating!!!
WOW!
I have a wonderful feeling about this piece. Brings shade of alternate reality to your mind. I Really lovr the flow of the piece and would love to finish the work...
It is a lot like Cybrosis by P.C. Haring www.cybrosisnovel.com
Give it a listen I think you'll love the parralles
Nice tgake I wold like to think that this happened and we just didn't know about it. You did a wonderful job of bringing her voice back.
Wonderful, playful, energetic!
T
Inventive, not really. The writing needs work. The story needs more focus. What is it that you are really trying to say? Is this a satire made to make us think that stereotypes are Wrong? I am not sure that the point can come across with the immature writing that I find. I am not berating your subject matter, just the way you are presenting it. With some deep clean up and more thought behind what you are trying to say, this could be a very powerful piece. However, as it stands, it lacks any distinguishing charcteristics.
T
!!!WOW!!!
I am a true fantasy freak. I have fond memories of reading my father's books growing up. Andre Norton, Roger Zalazny, Pole Andersen. All the greats from the late seventies and early eighties.
The use of the it instead of personalizing the attackers is interesting. It bring a new dimension to the story. I also liked the movement of the piece. I feel that you have a great story here. You could move this into a much broader work. Go into the "hero" worship angle. The expectations of the community for Maximon. What will become of him?
I truly think that this cold be a great book!
T
I guess I am a sucker for the non traditional ending. The fevered climax brought the focus to my mind. I am happy to find the Green paint did come to play as I hoped. Very well represented. I look forward to reading more of your works.
T
As I sit ( at work) waiting for various functions to run on my other computer...I thought I would peruse some of the favorite picks of the day in short stories.
Little did I know that I would find a new favorite author!
The imagery of your piece is astounding and beautiful. I can see your feeling through the words your put down. I Cried with you when Matt called. Thank you for such a powerful piece!
T
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