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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

A review by request -- I am not typically likely to read poetry, because even though I am a reading and English language arts teacher, poetry tends to be too few words for me or can be so subjective between readers or readings; my favorite poet to just pick up and read at random is easily Shel Silverstein, and maybe that's because I feel like I know what to expect from him. Nonetheless, I am a language arts teacher, so maybe I can bring that perspective to this review.

Okay, first read, first thought: a panda, presumably driving a Honda, which is pushing an RV? Yes, the next stanza is confirming that he's driving. I do feel like it's an assumption that he's pushing the RV to help another traveler, but then, there is no easy way to know why he's pushing the RV with a Honda. Ah, then the last stanza clears up a lot -- the Honda is in tow! Yes, that makes so much more sense to me!

I've lived in the places "snowbirds" would spend their winters, so I am reminded of some of these older folks who could afford to spend winters in the south in an RV camp, so I've seen the many ways that these folks could keep the festive qualities to their rolling abodes, something akin to the way 18-wheelers will often attach a wreath or giant red bow to the front of their trucks. My dad often took me camping during the holidays because it was a stretch that he and I were both available, and some of the crafty Christmas decor I've seen in recent years was already in great use in the campgrounds back then, quite a few years ago.

I do notice that the lines each have 11 syllables, which I commend. Some of the words -- in the way that poetry works -- may be unnecessary, and for a most effective poem, from what I've been taught, the condensation of the words is key. But if you were to take out those less necessary words, you would have to add something back in to keep that syllable count going, which does seem like a good key to the rhythm here.

On the note of rhythm, I would think that first line would better match the second line if it was "Well, well, well, now whatever did I just see" and on the note of that line in particular, I absolutely hear Oogey Boogey (sp?) singing those first three words, and I am not even wanting. In the last stanza, "When I passed him by," I feel should have a comma. I don't think it would affect the rhythm badly.


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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hi! Welcome to Writing.com!

I happened across your story as I wandered through the fantasy genre, and as a fan, it (and your name) definitely caught my eye.

On a sentence level, nice work grammatically and with spelling. I noticed one "viens" where I'm pretty sure you meant "veins" talking about Nyx, a "with" I think you meant to have as "when" -- talking about sausages stabbed with forks -- and a couple other minor issues, like its having an unnecessary apostrophe.

After beautiful descriptions of the characters and the landscape, I find myself wanting to know more about these mounts they are riding. I am unsure what kind of creatures they are, or what they look like.

I appreciate the condensed version of the journey, especially if nothing happens to push the plot forward. Would there be, in there, any chances for characterization? If something does happen to one of these characters later, readers will want to have made a connection with them. Otherwise, the story almost might as well skip the journey and get off to a running start after their arrival.

I had the impression that this group of Initiates was going to have to do battle or something -- some means of capturing the Gauntlet, which had gotten misplaced or stolen in the three hundred years since it was last used. And I wonder what makes this solstice special -- or is their solstice something that happens only twice in six hundred years? I assume the world they live on is much like ours, if not actually ours but in a different realm or perspective of things...

I do love the prophetic dream Nyx seems to have there at the end, and without a doubt, I am interested in finding out where this story goes, later on. It may be something worth looking into using a "book item" for, here on Writing.com.

Once again, welcome to the website! I hope that your own journey here is a pleasant and useful one, and I hope that you will get the chance to wander around and find all the tools that make the site so lovely. I hope that reviews such as this one can be of value to you, too, but always remember, they are simply one person's opinion and can be tossed out if you disagree with them.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Beneath this Mask  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your ending definitely got me by surprise. My only wish is that I could have seen the characters more... I can't really tell how much time has passed, since they were gone, I don't know. Maybe I think there would have been a clue about him in his clothing or something. 😆


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Review of Anywhere But Here  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)


Hello!

Let me start by saying I'd like more exposition. I do like the way you open the story, and I agree that your opening changes the tone of it. And I know that you don't want to reveal everything ahead of time, but I still have enough confusion about what's going on at different points of the story that I really would like to get some more details. Bite-sized, squeezed in between the dialogue.

For instance, why the date? What prompted that? You point out in the dialogue that they were strangers when they got into the suits, so I'm guessing they weren't planning a first date, beforehand. It wasn't just about to happen. I think.

I mean, why would he be planning a date?

I also find myself wanting to know more about his reasoning. That is, at the time of this story, he's a protagonist, as far as we know. At least a while. And I like to be able to understand the main characters. Even reading fiction serial killers, I can delve into the mindset and have an understanding of them, if not liking them.

I know by the end why there aren't many actions taken. Why so much of this story is dialogue. But there are still things each character can do even if no one is witness to the actions.

It's a little fuzzy what the POV is. At the beginning, we're hearing somewhat equally from them. At first. Toward the end, we're geared more toward his side of the POV. Both would work; I'd be down with knowing both sides, or just one or the other, but I need to know what to expect.

Everywhere they looked were stars, her face shrouded in points of light. -- there's no precedent for "her" so it would probably be better to have separate sentences here. Fuzziness there, with everywhere THEY looked. If we're going to stick with his pov, we need to start with it.

Her first answer is missing the closing quotation marks.

Realizing they're trying to distract themselves, and they have apparently already recognized that death really is actually imminent, I find myself wanting them to stop talking because whatever air they have will go faster the more they speak. Maybe because to me, knowing they could freeze to death would be more comfortable than suffocating. I'd like to still have breathable air in my suit when I freeze to death rather than struggle for breath.


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Review of Grandfather  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Eric the Fred Author Icon!



Technical Suggestions:

the girl whom everyone whispered about -- Split infinitive; I think this would read more smoothly if it were the girl about whom everyone whispered

I shared our little flat -- I know you mean for "our" to include the crèche-babies, but under the circumstances and in this context, it implies to me the narrator and Pira. Perhaps I shared a little flat?

but it occurred to me, I really -- I don't think that comma is necessary.

To my alarm, white fire sprang out -- I'd prefer to see how his alarm manifests, rather than simply be told he's alarmed.

climbing an giant ceramic wall. -- "an" should be "a".

giving me a patient smile -- Missing a period.

war wouldn't easily do without them after it.Still, I struggled -- Missing a space after that period.

Pira grew somber again -- This paragraph has an extra blank line above it. Sometimes a space typed after the last period of a sentence will make Writing.com insert one, and that might be why it's there.

capable of reaching the twenty-five parsecs to Earth -- "Reaching" throws this sentence for me. Maybe "spanning" or "crossing"?



General Thoughts:

The view on the walk down is amazing. -- Just on a personal note: this reminds me of one of the two cafeterias on the campus of the first university I attended. It was situated at the bottom of the tallest of the hills the campus sat on, so even though it had the better food selection, it was less frequently attended than the cafeteria which wasn't "at the bottom of the hill." Truly, despite all the hills on campus, it was known as the hill.

This just gives your story a little more reality, for my mind, because from the top of that hill, one could see across the town in almost every direction -- trees blocked some of the view. I like details that I can see as clearly as I can imagine the school, because of this.

It's brave of you to have robots who don't automatically follow Asimov's rules of robotics. But to have robots who can feel things such as jealousy and pride is relatively rare, too.

For much of this story, I was worried that Grandfather's plan included taking Pira and the narrator along with him. Especially considering how the opening line is "Will you come with me no matter where I am going?" I could see how some minds could take that in a more general sense, instead of just one particular situation, and if the first word were "Would" I'd expect it to be a more common occurence. Also, if you used "Would", I could believe that Pira means his answer to be more lasting than for one occurence....

I think, if this story could use anything additional, it could use some more thoughts of what other people in the narrator's life think of Pira -- we get hints, but we get to see nothing directly.

You're ready, and so am I. -- I get the feeling Grandfather's been ready considerably longer than Pira has, and I think this statement would carry more impact if he said "I'm ready, and so are you." It would also lead more easily into Pira's argument.

I wouldn't mind a little more explanation of crèche-babies, and how they are raised, as Pira mentions the nuclear family that we don't really get to see. My impression, aside from her statement, is that nuclear families are rare, indeed.

Grandfather does assume a lot about the nature of Pira's relationship with the narrator; in a sense, I could imagine him feeling honor-bound at this point to stay with her in spite of how feelings may end up going between them.

In a very lighthearted and superficial sense, one could almost think this story says that a valid proof of humanity is the ability to cook well and enjoy good food.

It's certainly possible. *Smile*


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Review of Second Chances  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi!

So, this isn't my typical WYRM review, but I have been skipping along through WYRM ports and... I had to give my gut reaction to this story.

Which was, "Wow. I should have seen that coming!"

But I didn't, which I think speaks to your ability to hold the reader in the moment. I did spot a couple minor grammatical errors, but right now my mind is caught in a moment of waking up and reeling at the same time. (Yeah, I tend to get online, sometimes, before I'm fully awake. It's sometimes as useful as that third cup of coffee.)

I'm really impressed because of the clues you gave, in the midst of the spiel, and right up until the very end, I was aware of them, but I didn't make any connections.

This story could almost, maybe, but-I'm-not-sure, use a little bit more time to come into... maybe a little more about the passing of the couple weeks... specific incidents with coworkers, or... I don't know... watching a harried lady in a parking lot trying to get three kids and groceries into the van... Things like these can help tie the reader to the characters' actions, either through something they never hope to experience, never thought to experience, or have experienced.

Otherwise, though, I think the timing and pace is great. Getting Ray's reactions within and without helps us readers stick to him

Great job!

Dark Lady Author Icon
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, dreams Author Icon!

Let me start out by saying that I hardly ever ever review poetry, because I know absolutely nothing about writing it. Even when I'm longtime friends with someone who's written a poem, and even when I know, because I know the author, what the poem's about, I don't feel comfortable reviewing it. Poetry is just too subjective for me; too much about feelings -- and it rarely seems to me I've got enough of a handle on my own feelings to be able to say whether or not someone else has put them into writing well. I've only written a few poems, myself, and so I have great respect for those who do it well.

You say, "I know it doesn't make sense, but does anger ever?" Let me just start by saying "Yes, I think it does." I think anger does make sense -- but the ways it can sometimes come out doesn't. And then, also, I think this poem makes sense.

I'm not entirely sure I really got a sense of anger out of it... frustration, leaning toward the angry side. (Keep in mind, I said I don't often get much of a handle of my own feelings. I often think that I also don't emote as strongly as other people do.)

But maybe my sense of the frustration, here, is with the crying. I've found that when I'm angry, I cry, and that annoys me because other people tend to think tears mean sadness. It's definitely a relief to find out that maybe, it's not such a rare thing for anger to take the form of tears.

You don't have a lot of punctuation -- which I think would just detract from the poem, anyway, so I'm glad you don't have a lot. The only thing that distracted me was that second question mark -- I felt like it should go on the end of the next line, rather than after "My angry eyes". It seemed to me that this fourth and the fifth lines were one thought, and while I wouldn't suggest you make them one line, I think the flow of reading the poem would go more smoothly that way.

I'm not going to argue anything about format with you -- I think this is just fine without following a strict form. But most of my favorite poems are free verse; I'm not a huge fan of lines having to rhyme or meter or... whatever it is you poets like to do. *Wink*

I leave this poem with the question, "What just happened?" I'd be interested to learn why the speaker is angry, and why the person the speaker is talking to is so afraid (or unaffected) to look. But I think it's a good thing that, even though such details aren't there, the emotions are. The thoughts that go along with the anger are there. From what little I understand of poetry, that's how it should work -- if you were to add anything to this, it'd be closer to a story, and it doesn't need to be that way.

When it comes to poetry, my final judgement on it tends to be whether or not it made me feel. With this poem, in these few lines, you've given enough for me to tumble through more than one emotion. You've connected with this reader, and so I think you've been successful with what you mean to convey.

Keep writing!

Dark Lady Author Icon
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Review of My Dear Melinda  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

About This Review:

I find it very difficult to put into words exactly why I prefer one story over another. I intend to use this review strictly to tell you what I thought of your story, just as if I came across it in your port rather than as an entry in my contest.

To give myself more time to send out reviews in a proper fashion, I must focus my attention on the entries which follow the rules set out in the contest. If your entry has broken one of those rules, it won't be considered during the judging process. This entry...

*Bullet* followed the rules? *Check5*

*Bullet* followed the prompt? *Check5*



Technical Suggestions:

Every stoke of the brush -- This should be "stroke"?

standing on the alter -- This should be "altar".

She had something to hide I knew it. -- I feel like this would read more easily if there were a comma after "hide". Even a period... that would be a more impacting option.

I was reminded of the chest. -- This is passive, and I think a more active voice would serve better. I remembered the chest.

I shuffled through them and choose one at random. -- This should be "chose".

Her eyes star-ing into mine -- Should that be "staring"?



General Thoughts:

I found it interesting that, except for the title, we don't know the narrator's wife's name until the end -- he never thinks of it until the last sentence.

I still gripped the knife tightly in my fist. -- I was surprised she didn't notice it and take it from him while he was sleeping.

I felt that her death came too quickly; my understanding has always been that this is the sort of wound that takes time to kill. But I was glad that he was unpracticed; the image I have of his actions wasn't what you'd see in a movie, and I'm glad for it.

Throughout this story I get the sense that Melinda should have some idea of what's going on; that she should have reason to be on her guard. I think that's why it bothered me that knives were around for him to even get to, but especially that she didn't notice the blood on the bed or that he held a knife in his sleep.

I don't think it's fitting to the story, but I'd like to know when and how the narrator stopped taking his medication. I'd like to know whether Melinda realizes it. The way she looks at him, in the end, I felt like she almost welcomed whatever he planned to do, just to have the troubles of her life over with. I find myself a little surprised that she stayed with him as she did.

This is definitely a darker realm within life that should be more explored, and I feel like this story just scratched the surface of the issues involved.

And then, I find myself wondering how much of this story happens and how much of it is strictly in the narrator's head. That he keeps her eyes in a jar is, I think, what drove this thought home for me... doesn't anyone notice his wife is missing? Do they have no visitors - does she have no friends - who would notice her absence and come to find out what he's done?



Keep writing!
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Review of The Boat Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

About This Review:

I find it very difficult to put into words exactly why I prefer one story over another. I intend to use this review strictly to tell you what I thought of your story, just as if I came across it in your port rather than as an entry in my contest.

To give myself more time to send out reviews in a proper fashion, I must focus my attention on the entries which follow the rules set out in the contest. If your entry has broken one of those rules, it won't be considered during the judging process. This entry...

*Bullet* followed the rules? *Check5*

*Bullet* followed the prompt? *Check5*



Technical Suggestions:

A note on formatting: Online readers find it easier to read paragraphs that are separated by empty lines; big blocks of text are intimidating to the eye, and make it easier to lose one's place.

upon who's verge he waits -- Generally, this should be "whose" rather than "who's", but unless readers are to think the lake is an entity, active in the story, "who" shouldn't be used to refer to it at all.

though some have something worth resisting it for most find themselves unable to hold back from crossing. -- This sentence could easily stand on its own, separate from the phrase before it.

a real beggining. -- This should be "beginning".

she should be here to but -- This should be "too".

I paus -- Missing an "e".

each person choses their path alone -- This should be "chooses"; also, to match the singular noun to a singular pronoun, it should read each person chooses his path alone

too him you do not exist. -- This should be "too".

dissapears forever. -- This should be "disappears".

in this unchanging, never ending twillight -- This should be "twilight".



General Thoughts:

The Boatman is gentle, and certainly more wiling to talk than I would have imagined. I can understand that it would be a child, with questions, who would prompt him to speak. I'm glad to find that in this story, he's more than a corpse, unerringly ferrying people to the shore he's never set foot on. Without ever having been taught, he's got a sense of right and wrong, and of benevolence and understanding.

The most poignant line in this story, to me, is the last. a part of me is almost sorry for the lost chance of company in this unchanging, never ending twillight of a life. It's a thought I would like to be able to dig further into, to find out more about him and the lonely life he leads... and what he thinks about it.

You've written a very moving tale. In my opinion, I think you could use a little practice with your technique - but that's something I think everyone should practice regularly, and I know that mine is never perfect. Characters are more important to me, in the end, and the characters here are brilliant. I'd love to see more of them, and I think you can give them a chance to really shine. I'd like to see even more of the Boatman's thoughts, and I think this is the only way to really get a better image of the boy.

And I'm with the boy, too - I'd like to know what the Boatman's name is. *Smile*

Keep writing!
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10
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.!

About This Review:

I find it very difficult to put into words exactly why I prefer one story over another. I intend to use this review strictly to tell you what I thought of your story, just as if I came across it in your port rather than as an entry in my contest.

To give myself more time to send out reviews in a proper fashion, I must focus my attention on the entries which follow the rules set out in the contest. If your entry has broken one of those rules, it won't be considered during the judging process. This entry...

*Bullet* followed the rules? *Check5*

*Bullet* followed the prompt? *Check5*


Technical Suggestions:

The language you use within this story, not only in the dialogue but in the narrative, helps to set the scene, the era in which the story takes place. There are a couple instances in which I get the feeling of a more modern era, though.

The quietness of the woods -- That "-ness" isn't really necessary, and I feel like this sentence would have more impact if you just use the subject "quiet".

I cannot explain easily -- This is a slip into present tense. I could not explain easily

paranoia was all. -- Capitalization.

an ailing older man whom of which -- You don't need those last two words, "whom" works nicely on its own.

A frightened glance was directed at me while in my attempt to leave unnoticed and even unconcerned of his emotion was completely unsuccessful. -- I feel like this sentence could be reworded to make it easier to follow. Does the frightened glance come from the older man? Maybe something like He directed a frightened glance at me, though I attempted to leave unnoticed, unconcered of his emotion.

you surly will not retire to your abode this eve. -- This should be "surely".

nothing more then delusions -- This should be "than".

"Even if I did honor such tomfoolery I have no affairs with the dead." -- I wouldn't separate this from the paragraph before; it gives the impression that someone else is talking, to do so. You might consider leaving this at the end of the previous paragraph.

My steps begin to acquire a pace -- This should be "began".

"Simply an echo and nothing more", -- That comma should be inside the quotation marks.

prove to myself that is as such -- Is that meant to be "it was"?

To my dismay they were too far -- I had the impression, from your use of the word "they" that there were multiple entities out there. If this isn't the case, it should be "he, she, or it" - I'd go with "it" since the gender of the being is unknown, and probably not important. The use of "it" would also be a little more eerie, less humanizing to whatever sort of creature it may be. I always try not to use "they" just because the gender isn't known; tradition would have us always use "he", and tradition is safer than colloquialisms.

I spoke aloud
"I am seeking a partner -- You're missing a period after "aloud", and the next sentence is another I would keep in the same paragraph.

unknown companion whom was -- This should be "who", because it is the subject, rather than the object.

"You can plainly see -- Take out those quotation marks and let this ride with the sentence before it.

The rolling fog began to create sense -- Should this be a sense?

uneasiness began to overwhelm my senses. -- I don't think you need "senses", here. I think the sentence would be smoother as uneasiness began to overwhelm me.

what I saw was simple a dark figure -- Should that be "simply"?

It does not speak nor does it show -- Another slip into the present tense. Both of those should be "did".

My skull had felt the hard jerk to the ground -- This could be more active. My skull jerked to the ground

On the other hand, you could simply describe the sound, the crack of it, and the pain it produces. Clever readers will be able to follow along.

Merely but for a moment for no longer -- There's quite an overload of words, here, and fewer would describe it better, I think. Even For no longer than a mere moment

"This is a grave!" I screamed -- Missing a period.

I must find a way out of this place -- Missing a period.

In that instance -- This should be "instant".



General Thoughts:

The narrator clearly thinks of himself as an educated man, and my first thought is "Why is he working in the mines?"

"Drivel, pure drivel ... to scare the weak minded!" I proclaimed aloud. -- Was this loud enough to catch the attention of other patrons of the pub, who seem to have also been sharing such stories? Can we know how many of them think the stories are drivel? What's their reaction, if they do believe, in finding out not only that he doesn't, but that he considers them weak-minded?

I suddenly found myself in the company of a rolling fog. -- You'll hear, often, that you shouldn't repeat yourself; to make sure that you use different words in one sentence than you did in the sentence before. But I like this instance of it because of the use of "company" in the sentence before. It's fitting, to me, that he's thinking about the company of worms only to find himself in the midst of a fog. This is perfect for the feel of the story.

I think this story maintains its eerieness right up until the end, not only because of the dark and the fog and the warnings from the old man, but because of the silence of the narrator's companion.

Right up until, that is, an explanation is given in the addition at the bottom. This sheds light on the events the narratore went through, but I think I'd prefer not knowing. Still, we don't know who the companion was or why it appeared. We don't know how it was ethereal in one moment but solid enough to pull the narrator to his feet in the next.

(I like to think, for that part, it was because of his presence in the grave.)

I like that the darkness of this piece isn't overcome, even when attempts are made by the narrator to better his situation, it just gets worse for him. Having had a drink may have lent to his cognitive functions, but I don't get the sense that it was the cause of what he saw, or of what happened to him, and I like that.

But before the fear really grips him, I'd like to see him struggle more to get out, maybe slipping on the wet dirt walls around him... that's the sort of thing I think would only add to his fear, building it to such a dangerous level.

Keep writing!
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Review of The Passing  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Wendopolis Author Icon! It's been almost a year now, (I'm sorry, it's been a very rough year for me) but you bid on some reviews and such from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. I'm sorry for how long it's been, but I'm still trying to catch up on a lot of things from aaround this time last year... And I think I owe you at least four reviews. I might have managed to send you one, but I can't actually remember... so I'm going to just send you five all over again. This'll be the first.

Sorry for how long it's been!

A note about my choice to read item in your port... I'm a sucker for vampires. I know "The Demise of Peter Pan" is good, too -- I had thoughts of writing for that prompt in the S&G contest, but... that fell by the wayside with the year I've had, too.

In any case, I'm reading this because the short description caught my eye. Well... the word "vampire" in it did. *Wink*


Technical Suggestions:

Disgust cured the vampire's lip. -- Should that be curled?

General Thoughts:

Because the wafer burns his fingers, my first thought is that Barlow, too, must be a vampire.

Barlow's got so many names written in his book... how is the word passed around that penitent vampires can go to him for peace -- or if not peace, assisted suicide?

Is it, then, strictly the wafers that kills the vampires? True, we don't know that Barlow dies... the implication is made that he's taken them before, because the surprise visitor says, "I can sense it on you. In you." But I get the impression that Barlow's hoping for his own release, especially in the end.

Maybe, though, he suffers in the pain of it without dying, like the monks who beat themselves to show their penitence.

I like that this story incorporates so much of vampire legends, despite its relative shortness. You don't lack any details that are necessary to the story -- I even prefer not knowing whether or not Barlow dies. I'm always a fan of details, too. I like that you show us, for instance, what clothes these people are wearing; it shows us a degree of what kind of people they are.

This seems to me like a very short review, but I'm only able to tell you how much I enjoyed the story... And I don't think I can say enough about it. We get a very succint image of Barlow, and those who read about vampires can assume enough about his visitor... Lucius we know enough about, especially considering Barlow's relative disinterest in what brought him to this. I really don't have any suggestions for improvement. Great job!

Keep writing!
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Jolly_McJ Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for purchasing a review from my shop. Thanks for the opportunity to read something on Writing.com I might never have gotten to see, otherwise.

This is a review of "Dousing the Phoenix" Open in new Window.


*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

Thomas had heard curates and academics -- I've a definition of "curate" as either something a curator does, or a priest's assistant. So I wonder if you meant for this to be curate, or if you were thinking of curator.

wonder-full and bright -- I like how you've kept wonder and full apart to show us how you mean it.

He listened to the last thud.
Thomas could not control. -- I think you meant for an empty line to separate these two paragraphs.

Just like Vanessa. -- I don't really need this to be here. I was already thinking that his parallel of the woman in the subway was strikingly similar to her.

There is no "Section Three", just "And Then." Did you mean this?

the tracks the tracks the tracks -- I like the sound of this bit.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

I think that in the paragraph describing David, you might mention the lack of color... I seem to remember hearing once that the original statues might have been dressed and painted at one time — maybe not Michelangelo's, perhaps, but Greek and Roman statues — and that we aren't really certain what they looked like in their own age.

How does Thomas know if the replica is inaccurate?

At first, I wonder why Thomas hates the curator so much; almost immediately you answer the question. I always enjoy that.

Soo... The painting fell off the wall, and no one came running? Or should this be taken figuratively?

Immutable rock: dull, rough, and eternal. -- Has it been so long since the paragraph about water cutting through stone? Has he forgotten how uneternal the rock is?

It seems to me that Section Two contains more visual descriptions than Section One. Even with all the things to see in the museum, they come across as overpassed. I'd like to know if this is because of Thomas's familiarity with the museum environment, or ... if it's something else.

wisps of stale scent dissipating up out of the opening in smoky-whispered silence, mildew-reeking incense of the underground. -- This is incredible imagery. Wonderful!

The imagery of the people entering the subway car, too, picks up readers and carries them along with Thomas's panic; your word choice and pace manage this very well.

like beggar, like sun -- Nice!

I think the story becomes easier to understand as, in the third section, the point of view makes a slight change to Thomas's first-person narration. I wonder a little if putting the entire story in first person would be suitable. Then again, this change makes sense because he is home, back where he can be himself...

The revelations he seems to come to in the end are... surprisingly swift. I'd like to have a better sense of the length of time Thomas might have been thinking of these things; of himself and his surroundings and his reaction to them. I feel like this was too sudden — nothing seemed to build toward it.

Your use of language, as well as the words you create, are a certain reminder that you read James Joyce and other classics. You seem to have worked very hard on developing Joyce's style, even down to the mundane that this story depicts. I would worry that readers could easily get lost and confused in here; in fact, I only began to grasp an idea of what was going on during my third reading of it. The language was to me distracting. You have a more vast working vocabulary than I, and where I was distracted, I think other readers might find themselves discouraged.

In a sense, it's a shame that modern readers enjoy being told so much; that writers need to include only the basic factors of the story and the enjoyable details. Times and tastes always change, though, and this anti-adventure made me think of the classics even before I read your appreciation of them in your portfolio. Just as I think readers who classify themselves as mature and tasteful should have already read English's older literature, I think it is wise for them to know that there are writers out there even today who, like you, manage such effulgent language. (See? You've got me reading with my dictionary open!)

Why the occasional French? Will there come a point in the story we understand Thomas's and the third-person narrator's use of it?

And once again, thanks for stopping by my review shop and giving me the opportunity to discover your creation.

Keep Writing!
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This review has been brought to you by
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Cmac Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for purchasing a review from my shop. Thanks for the opportunity to read something on Writing.com I might never have gotten to see, otherwise.

This is a review of "Notes and workspace for Journey Home" Open in new Window..

My apologies for the delay in sending you this review; I got caught up in something offline and haven't been able to spend much time on Writing.com for a little while.


*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

Sneaking, hiding, and gathering secrets came easy to her. -- Easily.

Aramil knew that punishing her wouldn’t do any good; she would be up to the same old tricks as soon as she was out of his sight. -- This sentence would be more easily read if you included the semicolon I've put in green.

Lia made a valiant effort to return to Evermeet and head of the assassins -- Off.

Decades past as Lia followed -- Passed.

a small band of orcs lead by an ogre barbarian -- Led.

In its death throws -- Throes.

As the Kara-Tur caravan was slowly crossing the planes -- Two things, here. "Planes" should be "plains". Also, because of your use of "was" in this sentence, it's in passive voice. Since things in active voice are often more interesting to the reader, you might consider rephrasing this sentence to As the Kara-Tur caravan slowly crossed the plains...

a lone rider a scout by the look of him. -- I believe there should be a comma after "scout".

The rider was ridding hard -- Riding.

The rider crossed the plane -- Plain.

In the first paragraph, you have the word "caravan" four times and "the rider" at the beginning of three sentences. You might consider using pronouns or synonyms to keep from being repetitive.

“I am Lia.” She answered in Elven. “Who sent you and Why?” -- I think that should be "I am Lia," she answered in Elven. Is there a reason "why" is capitalized?

“I carry a message for Lia Galanodel, It is to be delivered to her hand alone.” -- Should that comma be a period?

“This is for your eyes only.” and with that -- Should that period be a comma?

a letter from the Queen has tracked her nearly half-way around the world what could it mean. -- I think this would more easily be read as ...a letter from the Queen had tracked her nearly half-way around the world. What could it mean?

he spoke highly of you now I am in dire need of your services. -- Would this sound better if it were in two sentences? As in, he spoke highly of you. Now, I am in dire need of your services.

her meager belongings, As an agent -- Should that comma be a period?

Lai rode hard and fast to the west -- Beginning here, you occasionally write "Lai" rather than "Lia". It happens enough that I wonder if you changed your mind on the spelling at some point.

The Kings personal bodyguards and most elite spies. -- There should be an apostrophe in "Kings". Also, this incomplete sentence isn't working for me.

she planed to squeeze as much information as she could -- Planned.

Lia could make The Gate by weeks end if she rode hard. -- Week's. In the next sentence, too.

A weeks worth of hard ridding, both day and night, -- Should be A week's worth of hard riding

she lead her tired mount to a clean, empty stall. -- Led.

Lia quietly moved on towards the docks -- This is one of those things that's more a personal pet peeve, even though I know many people to use it in their own dialogue and therefore in their writing. The "s" on "toward" is not necessary.

no matter what ungodly hour she showed up at. -- "At" is not necessary.

“I’ll drink you under the table any day little girl.” -- There should be a comma after "day".

“What brings you to my place after all these years anyway.” -- There could be a comma after "years", and I think that period is meant to be a question mark.

I've got a week's worth of hard ridding to scrub of my skin, -- Riding.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

I think that you might draw in more readers to this if you gave it a working title — even if you say, as part of the title, that this is a working title, only. Anything from the main character's name to something that happens in this first part of the story could work.

The description, too, could be put to use to tell us that more about the story. This could also be a place to mention that it's set in Forgotten Realms, or that an elf from Evermeet is involved, that it starts out in Cormyr... use this to draw the reader in. Make us want to click on the link to read the story.

On the blue...

I'm glad you have this section here, giving credit where it's due, letting people know they can find out more about the world by checking out Forgotten Realms books, and to call readers of Forgotten Realms to read your work.

I know more about the world's geography from this than I have learned in several months of playing in the Forgotten Realms setting. You're very thorough, and even if we don't see it all put to use in the novel, it's good to know.

On the light blue...

My first thought about this section is that it must be notes for yourself to use while you write the story. And I'd like to suggest that you could keep this in another item entirely. There are parts of it repeated in the story section of this item, and by the time I started the actual story, all this information felt redundant. I'm not trying to say in any way that this information shouldn't be, just that I'm the type of person to read straight through something, and I didn't feel it was necessary for me to know this if I'm going to find most of it out later on.

It's because I felt like these were more your notes than something you intend for your readers to see that I decided to focus less on the technical aspects of this section. If you did decide you wanted your readers to know about all this, I think you'd be more descriptive, writing more along the lines a story generally takes... and in that case, I'd be more prone to poke at it more than I did.

My favorite piece of information offered in this section was the public speculation different people have concerning the Hwarmaeg en’ Aran. I really hope this sort of thing plays into later parts of the story.

On "The Journey Home"...

Concerning formatting... The first few paragraphs of this are written as they would be in a book; later on, you have a blank line between each paragraph, which is most common in online texts. It's a good idea to go ahead and put the lines between those first paragraphs, too, since this is generally considered easier on your readers' eyes.

How hard was it for the elven scout to find out that Lia was with the caravan? Then, did he have any trouble finding out where they were?

I would have expected Lia to have her hand on her sword before he even dismounted, simply because he's a stranger to the caravan. How do the Kara-Tur react to his arrival?

The rider was glad of the respite ... to read the letter in privacy. -- I think that this would be more enjoyable if you wrote out the scene. Show us the words the elves use with each other. Do they continue speaking in Elven, or does she revert to Common to be polite to her hosts and friends? It's a little ambiguous whether the rider accepts her offer, and I'd like to see what the Kara-Tur think of him as they bring him and his horse water or food. I'd like to know, by the expressions on his face, what he thinks of the fact that Lia's riding with this group of people, who may be similar to his own, but the fact is, they aren't his people.

Sitting in the small wagon -- This paragraph changes the tense in which the story is written. Do you have a reason for switching to present tense? I have seen stories in which tense changes work extremely well, but as far as I can tell, there's no need for it here.

You served my husband well, -- Ummm... Okay. Here's the thing. I've been reading a lot of the classics lately and in them, even among royalty the king is always referred to as "the King" or "his highness" or whatever. Even the queens call their husbands "the king", and vice versa. It could just be me; this could easily be the way the Forgotten Realms works, or this could be the way royalty talks in today's literature. And I'm certainly no expert on royalty and the titles to be used for them, so I'm not at all saying that this letter must be changed. If that were the case, I'd think to tell you that one of the king's children should have ascended to the throne; the Queen, (in our world's history, at least) would not have become the ruler of Evermeet. She would have only become the Queen Mother while the eldest of her children ascended to the throne. But that's just the way our societies have done it; I'm not knowledgeable enough in Forgotten Realms to be able to say "No, no, that wouldn't happen." Actually, I'm just rambling at this point. *Wink*

The paragraph that follows the letter from the queen is another that I think would be more vivid and interesting to the reader if you did more than tell us. It seems to be a summary. I'd like to actually see it when Lia bids the Kara-Tur farewell; I'd like to see if they try to give her parting gifts, or if they decide to have a farewell feast or something. I'd like to see if some of the elders have parting advice for her. I'd like to know if she mentions that she might return some day. There's so much emotion that can happen upon good-byes. There is so much in the way people say good-bye that you can use to tell us about the characters and their relationships, and this is one of the things that writers can almost never over-exploit.

When Lia leaves, does the messenger travel with her, or has he already left? Does he decide to stay for the rest of the night and start out the next morning? He just kinda disappeared, there.

A weeks worth of hard ridding, both day and night, -- That poor horse! Even if an elf doesn't need any sleep, or food, or anything, the horse does. Does she take this into consideration at all?

I think you have the opportunity within the week's ride to tell us more about Lia's past and her plans for the near future. This would be, to my mind, the prime place to tell us why she had been gone from Evermeet for so long; let us reminisce with her about the last time she was at Baldur's Gate. Let us see her as she recalls the king's death and her chase for the assassin. Let her tell us, while she's figuring it out, what she's going to do when she gets there. When she decides, during her trip, that she'll head for Mac's place, I wonder if she'd imagine what he must look like now, after all these years. I think this would be a more suitable entry for her thoughts on the difference of their ages. And then, when she does see him for the first time after all these years, she can evince some emotion at how close her guess was.

This sort of thing would give your readers more to care about for Lia and for her friends, as well. The way you have it set up, I can imagine that somewhere within the timeframe of this story, Todd's going to die, and when/if that happens, I want to know more clearly how Lia feels about that. I want to feel along with her, and for that, you'll have to provide us with more of how Lia feels. This story follows her, and I think you're entirely safe giving us such information, without having to give us every detail of other characters' thoughts and actions. We'll be more interested in her, and we'll end up more interested in what happens to her.

You've given us a little past, in the notes, and a little present in the notes as well as the story. I am glad to see that you don't have the details of what happens later on, in the blue-colored sections of this item, because without knowing more about Lia, I wouldn't have been prepared to see what happens to her in the future.

I think you have an interesting idea starting this story off, and there's so much in the world of Forgotten Realms that I know you can take it very far.

And once again, thanks for stopping by my review shop and giving me the opportunity to discover your creation.

Keep Writing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This review has been brought to you by
srchoward's
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, emerin-liseli Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for purchasing a review from my shop. Thanks for the opportunity to read something on Writing.com I might never have gotten to see, otherwise.

This is a review of "Chapter Five: A Funeral" Open in new Window., "Chapter Seven: Into Eunae" Open in new Window. and "Chapter Eight: Resectioning" Open in new Window., which was the last chapter you asked me to review.


"Chapter Five: A Funeral" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

and modest pile of flowers was scattered around the tombstone. -- a modest pile?

A year after her father’s death, after her mother had fallen ill, their Uncle moved in to “take care of affairs.” -- Those two "after"s make this sentence sound repetitive. I think you could change this to something like:

A year after her father’s death, when her mother had fallen ill, their Uncle moved in to “take care of affairs.”

Or

A year later, after her mother had fallen ill, their Uncle moved in to “take care of affairs.” ... Since the previous sentence is the one in which you tell us that her father died.

Vasha came forward shyly, tugging gently on her sisters’ hand. -- Just a typo: sister's

Valorén obliged, dropping her youngest sister brusquely on the floor. -- Should that be "ground"?

“No,” Vasha said, coughing. “No. I’ve got it under control. She’ll be going to the Academy soon, and they’ll teach her, they’ll be able to teach her how to use her powers.”
Valorén looked her younger sister over without interest. -- I think you meant for this to have an extra line between the paragraphs.

I forsook my own name so I rename her and grant her ancient power,” -- Should that be "so I could rename her" ?

Besides,” Valorén smiled, baring her teeth, “Your sacrifice has been beneficial to me, too.”
“As you had planned,” Vasha murmured with a sigh of despair. “I was foolish to try to stop fate; I should have known that—” -- Two things in this. That "y" shouldn't be capitalized, since this is a continuation of a sentence she'd already started. Also, there's another spot that's missing its paragraph break.

I am going to make my own posterity in the world -- Interesting word, "posterity". I've recently found out that according to the dictionary, it has a somewhat different meaning than I've always thought. The dictionary on my computer says (and this is generally backed up by two other dictionaries I have) "1. people in future: all future generations 2. all descendants: all of somebody’s descendants".

Which makes me think Valorén's planning on being quite a bit busier than I think you intend.


*Bullet* General Thoughts:

They had just buried their mother at the family graveyard, which had high iron fences and gothic tombstones. -- Okay. First off, just as a note, I have always been led to believe that the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard was that a graveyard was "attached" to a church. Does the family also have a chapel? Because if that's the case, I could see calling this a graveyard.

Secondly, and more important to me, is that there is so much more you could do than this sentence. It sounds like they've done the actual burying, but I would like to assume that if they are wealthy enough to have their own graveyard (and even their own graves!*Wink*) they would have someone who would do the burying.

I think you could add some awesome imagery here and really set the tone for the chapter. What makes a tombstone gothic? Do the fences have spiky things at the top? Are there graves nearby that the girls remember visiting? How close are the trees to their mom's grave? So many that it's dark, even though it's daylight? Is she buried near her husband?

The end of this scene makes me really wish Vasha didn't trust Valorén quite so much. I don't know how many years it will be before Veradien is sent to the Academy, but I'd like to think that Valorén was wrong about them -- that they know more than she thinks they do. I would certainly hope they do.

Then again, I don't know that Vasha and Veradien came back two weeks later, do I?

Why do I get the strong feeling that Valorén was in Wyvern when she was at the Academy?

And Valorén says here something about all eight years she was at the Academy... but in a later chapter we find (if we can assume what I have assumed about Valorén and Calixte, and who they are in relation to one another) that she left before graduating.

So you know I'm curious about why she didn't graduate. Right?


"Chapter Seven: Into Eunae" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

Even as a babe, -- "babe" stands out, here, because this word belongs to a language you haven't been using for the rest of the story. You've been writing more modern than that.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

I was very glad to see Eunae return here! But we only get a glimpse of her present; most of this chapter is based in her past. We still don't know how she's been faring at the Academy. We don't know what kind of friends she's made, what kind of classes she has had, or anything.

We still don't have anything about Eunae to make us feel for her, and I think that as one of the main characters of this story, we should. Relate to your readers how her father's death affected her — did she have greater trouble with her Sensory than before? Did she ever wish she could use a spell to empty the pages of the books her tutor brought, so she'd have more room in which to practice?

Chapter One mentioned Eunae's constant goal of perfection; does that begin after her family moves to the widows' section? After her father's death? What kind of pressures did her parents put upon her? How did that affect her life and her practice of her magic?


"Chapter Eight: Resectioning" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

pinpointed the two girls across the classroom gossip about her. -- Should that be gossiping?

Mr. Jamien was incompetent at sensory; he would feel nothing. -- Since she's already done the sensory, shouldn't that be "he felt nothing." ?

Can anyone tell me from last nights’ reading the latest attempt? -- Just a typo: night's

thoughts that always seemed to scrabble through her brain. -- I'm just not sure "scrabble" is the right word, here... but once again, this could just be me. When Kasity scrabbled at the paint on the door her first day at the Academy, it made sense to me, but seeing it here, too, I feel like Kasity's always scrabbling at something.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

And in this chapter we get a hint as to what Eunae's been doing all this time. You summarize her experiences at school quite well; I'd like to see more of her days, like you have in this chapter.

Gone were the good old days when they could splash paint onto a paper and call it art. -- *Bigsmile* Ah, there's something to look forward to! I'd like to say the same for our world...

This chapter is the first time all three main characters (as listed in the introduction to the novel) appear, and I get the feeling that before too long, all three characters will be involved with one another, probably because of Calixte's unit. I would like to see how they interact with one another, Calixte and Eunae being a few years older than Kasity, and I think that could be one of the issues which could make this an extremely captivating story. The similarities of their family histories could be one thing that brings them closer together, and I hope you use that to the fullest.

I think that the imagery you use overall is very nice, and I'd like to see you use it more... and more often. Don't forget to let the world and everything your characters see drag the readers farther along.

I know there's a lot of little things I've pointed out in this review, and I hope that you, knowing your story far better than I do, use what you need and throw the rest out. I've really enjoyed what I have read of your story, and while I think there's a lot more you can do with it, you've definitely got something going, here. I feel like I could see some of your literary influences, which is a credit to them and (I hope) an inspiration to you. Continue to make this story your own, and I'm sure you will continue to impress your readers. If you'd like me to elaborate on something, please feel free to email your own comments and responses to anything I've said.

And once again, thanks for stopping by my review shop and giving me the opportunity to discover your creation.



Keep Writing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This review has been brought to you by
srchoward's
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, emerin-liseli Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for purchasing a review from my shop. Thanks for the opportunity to read something on Writing.com I might never have gotten to see, otherwise.

This is a review of "Chapter Two: Kasity" Open in new Window., "Chapter Three: Adely" Open in new Window., "Chapter Four: A Common Lesson" Open in new Window. and "Chapter Six: Sylph" Open in new Window.. You asked me to review up to "Chapter Eight: Resectioning" Open in new Window..


"Chapter Two: Kasity" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

into the deep depths of the water. -- To me, this is redundant. It'd be enough to say "depths".

She stood on a large boat, grimy with barnacles... -- I think most readers would assume that it's the boat which is grimy, but the way the sentence is written, it could be read as Kasity who's grimy. A quick fix for this technicality would be to say "...large boat, which was grimy..." Also, since the next sentence in the paragraph describes Kasity and the other girls on the boat, I'm not sure this is the place for it. What if this sentence were in the previous paragraph?

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

none of them had the audacity to peer over the edge of the ship, especially since the loud lady who ordered them onto the boat had directed them not to. -- Was there a reason for the loud lady's instructions? Will we, the readers, get a hint as to the dangers of looking over the side?

I have to wonder, therefore I'm asking: What draws Calixte to talk to Kasity? Is there some point later in the story that explains her actions, here?

The island was a craggy one, with high cliffs and peaks. -- I'd like to see more description of the island -- are there trees on the shore, or beachline? If there is no "shore", just the cliffs, what do they look like? How high do they loom over the boat as it approaches? Are there birds flying around? Does the water crash against the island with amazing sprays of foam, or are the waves more gentle? (I mean these questions in reference to the island's first appearance, rather than when the boat is traveling down the river, or when Kasity's walking toward the dormitory. What are her initial thoughts/feelings?)

I'd like to get a feel of Kasity and Eunae's new home; it can affect the story if we know whether they're intimidated by their first approach to the island, or if they feel as though they are coming home. Is there any resemblance to Kasity's old home? Is this her first time on a boat? Floating toward an island? What does she think of all of it?

As she squinted at the cliffs, she saw the dark outline of a building, and wondered what it was. -- And does she see any Sylph jumping from the cliffs? I think that would be an excellent introduction to the tradition which you delve into later on! *Wink*

Do the first step students bring nothing with them from home to the Academy?

At times, Kasity thinks more maturely than an eight-year-old.

The closing of this chapter is reminiscent, to me, of Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game. There are a few similarities between Ender's Battle School and the Academy. If you've never read it and you like sci-fi, Card's series is excellent, and you might find you like it!


"Chapter Three: Adely" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

After all lunch, they had Cooperative Economic Living. -- I'm wondering if you intended for more to be here.

Kasity couldn’t remember her name. Adely, maybe? -- Since she can't remember the girl's name, perhaps a wrong guess would work better, here.

"Adely, noble Aé," she replied, sitting up straighter. -- How does Kasity know she's sitting up straighter?

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

Is there a significant reason the older students do all the testing and processing of the first steps? Are there at least administrators overseeing everything?

*Star*she learned Cooperative Economic Living was just a fancy phrase meaning chores, and lots of them. -- I love it!*Star*

Chapter Two set up Adely nicely to be an adversary, and she's already at work on that here, in Chapter Three. Since the chapter title bears her name, though, I think I'd like to see more of her in here. There's certainly room for it within the chapter -- I can just imagine Adely and Kasity being paired on a chore together, and I can hear Adely making remarks about Kasity the entire time she's in line behind her during the tests.


"Chapter Four: A Common Lesson" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

she was dismissed. She had done so, -- She had done what? This would make more sense to me if she had been dismissed to... go eat lunch, or something. Otherwise, it's just too possible that she had deciphered the invisible message... and I don't think she did. So, would "She had left..." be more appropriate?

her name was, in fact, a boy name. -- Should that be "a boy's name." ?

“I’m abysmal,” Kasity said, depressed. -- Rather than tell us that she's depressed, consider showing us what she does -- does her head drop? Do her eyes close? Does she cover her face? You could also go into the tone of her voice, if she sighs, cries or chokes up... I think many of your readers would be more interested in seeing her reaction, and it's easier to make us care about the characters if we get to know them this way.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

The Common Language lesson, I realize, takes place in a dining hall. But are there other students around, eating, while the class is going on? If not, it seems to me the time between the ringing of the bell and Cairbre's attack on Lis, who's already sitting at a table with her food, is too short.

*Thumbsup*I thoroughly enjoyed the moment when Kasity kicked the pastry. It was good to see Kasity not only giving herself a reputation of defiance against other such girls, but standing up for another girl, who, it seems, is older than Adely and Kasity are.*Thumbsup*

I've realized that by this chapter, I haven't seen any boys among the characters who've been named, aside from the one who tested Kasity's eyesight. Are the first steps segregated by gender? Or is there some other reason Kasity hasn't taken any notice of any boys around her? If I remember correctly, only groups of girls are mentioned on the boat; only girls surround and laugh with Cairbre, the two Councilmembers who appear in this chapter are girls... Boys will be mentioned in the next chapter, but not really interacted with.

Which, by the way, I also found interesting. Morwenn is the Wyvern Council Leader, and is seemingly in the dining hall to retrieve Adely. Calixte, however, is not the Sylph Council Leader -- is there a reason Gautier isn't there to find Kasity?

Since this chapter starts off with Kasity bored with the lessons and looking around, I think you could use a moment for her to look at more than the Clouds' ranks. You could tell us more about her environment and companions while she looks around at them. I think you focus very well on what you want to have happen in each chapter, but I also think that if you loosened your focus a little bit, we, as readers could be further drawn into the story.


"Chapter Six: Sylph" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

She learned which Clouds were good, which were bad, what specialties each had. -- Good and bad are horribly general terms. What do you mean by them, here? Are some good and others evil? Do some fare well and others poorly? I think if you chose different adjectives, you'd give us a better idea of what to look for from the different Clouds.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

By this time in the story, we haven't seen Eunae for a few chapters. She's been just nearly forgotten, to me. What's been going on for her at the Academy?

In this chapter, the boys do make an appearance. The paragraph describing their antics makes me feel a bit cheated -- I'd like to actually see some of Kasity's interactions with them, rather than just a summary of her feelings for them. Aidan, in particular, draws her dislike, and while you do tell us why in general, these could be reasons anyone dislikes him. What has he actually done to her?

It is mentioned that Aidan is the first in his family to come to the Academy -- he's a first step. Adely, too, is a first step. Isn't she in the same family? Aren't they both members of the royal family? Granted, Adely and Aidan are cousins, so she may be farther departed from the king or queen of Irinifa but... members of the royal family are still members of the royal family. I think it would be amusing if we saw Adely overhear something about Aidan being the first to come to the Academy. If she were to point out that she, too, had come this year, and that she, too, were royal, but that she had at least been lucky enough to join the ranks of the Cloud that had outranked Sylph last year, she'd have the opportunity to earn the readers' attention and sympathy. Could that be something that she holds over Aidan? He may be a price, but she's around eight years old, and to her, he's just a cousin. Quite likely, just one cousin out of many. Remember, antagonists are very rarely just bad people. Even as highly as she thinks of herself, I'd like to know if she has her own struggles in her new environment. I'd like to see the glimmer of a redeemable quality in her; it would make her more personable and relatable to the reader.

Is it just me, or have the last couple chapters been shorter than the first? It seems to me you have room to expand these chapters, and perhaps that's your intention. I can see great potential here, especially in chapters three, four, and five. I think if you went more into them, as you did in Eunae and the prologue, you'd easily be able to pull your readers farther into the story. You did an excellent job of grabbing our attention, and I think there's more you can do to continue to hold our attention.


There's more to come -- my review for the remaining chapters should be done this weekend. *Delight*

Keep Writing!
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Hello, emerin-liseli Author Icon!

First of all, I'd like to thank you for purchasing a review from my shop. Thanks for the opportunity to read something on Writing.com I might never have gotten to see, otherwise.

This is a review of "Prologue (maybe)" Open in new Window. and "Chapter One: Eunae" Open in new Window.. You asked me to review up to "Chapter Eight: Resectioning" Open in new Window..


"Prologue (maybe)" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

her azure eyes were heavy with sleep and fear. -- I could see her eyes being heavy with sleep, but not at the same time she's afraid. The way I understand it, fear has an awakening effect upon the body for most people; I would expect it to wake her up and widen her eyes as a sympathetic response to whatever's causing her fear.

Valorén drew her hand so Veradien, whimpering, was drawn magically toward her. -- You have two uses of the term "to draw" here in once sentence. I think it might flow more easily if you were to change one of them.

Vasha made a movement as if to stop it, but seeing the look in Valorén’s eyes, she thought better of it. She watched with growing horror as Valorén found the small cut on Veradien’s forearm. -- This paragraph is quite short; I think if you went into more description, you'd be able to better show us, the readers, what's going on. For instance, what sort of movement does Vasha make? She raises a hand? Takes half a step to put herself between them? What sort of look does she see in Valorén’s eyes? Anger? Hatred? Disdain? Does she narrow her eyes? Lower her eyebrows? Or does something in her expression dare Vasha to do something? What does it look like when Vasha's horror grows? Does she start to tremble? Does she gesture toward Veradien, trying to get her to turn her arm away from Valorén’s easy sight? Does Vasha's expression change? Does she get pale, or begin to blush?

She studied the gossamer memory for a moment, and then turned towards her sisters -- This is one of my personal tics, I'm afraid. Most other readers, I think, would not even notice, but the "s" is not necessary on "toward". I think it's a custom that has fallen in to spoken language and is now making its way into literature... but I know it caught my eye a few times while reading these chapters. Like I said, it's one of my personal pet peeves, and it's up to you whether or not you want to go with the English I was taught, or the English taught in schools today. *Wink*

you were going to use me for the sacrifice anyways. -- This is another unnecessary "s".

the future of her world and many other worlds were being shaped -- This sounds right because the word right before it is plural, but the noun that's being shaped is actually the future, which in this case is singular. I could see you using "futures", instead, because we're talking about several worlds, here, and if you change that, "were" could remain. If you choose to continue to use "future", though, that should become "was".

She yanked Vasha close, picked up the silver knife, still crusted in Veradien’s blood, and drew it deeply into Vasha’s flesh. -- "Drew" just doesn't work for me here. I could see her drawing it across Vasha's flesh, but I think another word, such as "thrust" or "plunged" would be more descriptive and accurate.

The first rays of the sun hit. -- You have two empty lines after this sentence, and I think you may have intended just one. I've found that Writing.com occasionally does this to me when I have the spaces after the period of my last sentence in a paragraph. So if you don't intend to have two blank lines between this and the next paragraph, it's easily fixed. *Wink*

Just as a matter of formatting, I think you might want to have an empty line or two at the end of the prologue. It's probably just me, personally, but I think it might look better that way; as it is, the copyright information almost seems to run into the story.

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

At the opening of the prologue, I picture Vasha and Veradien sitting on the floor between the window and the curtain. I think the moonlight could be coming in the window beside them, or behind one of them, but not behind both of them... unless you mean for the reader to have a more distant view of them than I initially have.

She cut her sister’s left forearm, right below the elbow. -- I can't imagine cutting my own sister... I don't know what it's like to cut someone; the closest thing I know is that sticking a needle in an orange is good practice for developing the necessary force to stick someone in the arm. I'm not trying to promote gore in the story, but I'd like to see more details, here. I'd like to see Veradien squirm, if she realizes that her sister's pulled out a knife or anything. I'd like to see Vasha hesitate, just a moment, unless cutting herself or others has become natural to her in her practice of magic. If she's never cut anyone before, does she realize how deeply she needs to cut to draw blood? Does the spell she's enacting require a certain amount of blood? A certain length or depth of the cut?

Are there any concerns for how quickly, or how well, the cut might heal?

Veradien screamed, but the sound was muffled by Vasha’s hand and the dusty drapes. -- I'd like to see Vasha let go of her sister's hand and the knife before she raises a hand to muffle her scream. I wonder, too, if this sentence and the one before it could trade places; where it is, it seems to me that Veradien is screaming in reaction to her blood hissing into steam.

When Valorén walks in, I begin to wonder what room the sisters are in. I think we can assume it's not Uncle's study, but... is it their bedroom? The parlour? Oh! It's said later on that this is a library. Is it apart from their uncle's study? Would you be willing to give the reader more clues, earlier on, about the room?

I would like to know more about these sisters, in general. Do they look a little bit like each other? Would an outsider never believe they're sisters, by their appearances? Do any of them have a tone of voice that would make a listener squirm? Plus, if this story ends up going where I think it will, in relation to the prologue, their descriptions would provide a clue that might make your readers slap themselves in the forehead and ask, "Why didn't I see that before?"

Valorén whispered, her face turned away from her younger sister. -- What's she looking at? I think if I were as angry as she seems to be, I'd be staring directly at the person who'd angered me. I'd try to dig into her soul with my eyes. I'd have to know what her reaction was. In this case, if calls more attention to Valorén than her sister, I as the reader would like to know what it is.

Vasha stood in defiance. -- What is this? I mean, tell me what it looks like. Does she put her hands on her hips? Ready herself for some defensive magic, perhaps? Plant her feet in the carpet (I imagine carpet *Smile*) and give Veradien a glance to make sure she's clear enough of danger? Try to stare her sister down?

~~~~~


"Chapter One: Eunae" Open in new Window.

*Bullet* Technical Suggestions:

There are a few places in this chapter in which you use the past tense, when I would have expected the past participle. For example:

Their father died after he was demoted from his high-ranking position as magistrate over their district, and her small family had no where else to go other than the widow’s section.

I think this would be more easily read as:

Their father had died after he was demoted from his high-ranking position as magistrate over their district, and her small family had had no where else to go other than the widow’s section.

And...

Contrary to popular belief, the last rebellion was caused by the distraught wives, daughters and mothers of dead or demoted noble men.

I think would read better as:

Contrary to popular belief, the last rebellion had been caused by the distraught wives, daughters and mothers of dead or demoted noble men.

(Incidentally, I have to wonder if you meant to say that these women had not caused the last rebellion. That's what the rest of the paragraph seems to imply.)

a festering wound that would not heal. -- "that would not heal" seems redundant after saying "festering wound".

“We haven’t a transfer student in a long time,” remarked Calixte -- Should there be a "had" after that "haven't"?

*Bullet* General Thoughts:

You mention Eunae's tearful departure from home, and how the memory still pains her, but you don't say how long it's been since she left home. A few hours? A few days? How long has it taken her to get here, this far from home? Has she spent a night alone along the way? I think that if we, the readers, know this information, we'll be better able to feel for her... we'd have a better sense of how she feels about her family, and how that balances with how she feels about going to this school.

The widows' section is provided for the disgraced women of noble society. Was their family disgraced because of Eunae's father's demotion? To me, the term "disgraced women" is a particularly... violent one. "Dishonored" might be more appropriate, if this is because of her father. But I think where you're going with this choice is to show that they have fallen from the graces of noble society...

In any case, it makes me wonder what happens to the widows who have never been members of high society. What about the wives of dead merchants, fisherman, and bakers? Where do they go, and how bad is that if the refuge of the noblewomen is so small and horrible?

On that note, does the fact that they are disgraced not mean they are no longer noblewomen? You mention the possibility that Eunae's teachers selected her from all the nobility around.

Why has Eunae already been assigned a Cloud? Is it because she's transferring? Do all schools have Clouds with the same names and personalities? (More on this in a later chapter's review) I have to think that she hadn't been a part of a Cloud back at her old school, though, since Eunae's sponsor had had to explain things to her.

You say that her sponsor has also explained contests to her, so it seems to me that when Calixte breaks into her explanation of Sylph's battle arrangements, Eunae should have some reaction -- what parts of what Calixte says sound familiar to her? What parts sound new?

Why does Calixte go into this information? I understand the need to explain these things to the reader, and I often think that having one character tell another is the best way to go about such things. Calixte, however, doesn't seem to me to be very excited about the Battle Contests. Even if they do play a major role in each Cloud's standing in the ranks, the contests aren't the only factors... And what sets off Calixte's explanation seems to be her excitement that her Cloud is the best at the academy... but when she goes into her description of the units and divisions, there's no excitement there. It's just a list of the divisions, the sub-divisions, and so on. Give us a reason, through Calixte, for her to be saying all this so shortly after meeting Eunae. Give us a reason to understand why she says they'll probably trade Eunae away as soon as possible.

And on the subject of trading Eunae away: my understanding was that each student was assigned to the Cloud for which he is best suited. Would it really be acceptable, then, for Sylph to trade someone away to another Cloud? Or is that not what you meant?

She suddenly and inexplicably felt a warmth of feeling for Calixte, -- Now, see, this is the sort of thing that makes me paranoid. Maybe I read too much dark fiction; too many horror stories about supernatural creatures. My first thought upon reading this was that Calixte had just cast something... just sent out some sort of effect that caused Eunae to think more highly of her. I don't know if that's what you intended, but I've begun to wonder why, exactly, Calixte is so well-respected and popular, and whether or not this has anything to do with it. And because she makes me paranoid, I don't trust her from this point on. And I'm fairly certain that's not what you were planning. *Smile*

To take her mind off of the unsettling feelings that were settling somewhere inside her throat, -- I had to point out the sentence that begins with this phrase. I just had to say that I think this is my favorite line in the story so far -- it's descriptive, but not particularly so; it's got a flow and a feeling to it that I adore! *Thumbsup*

So...

Not considering the prologue, which involves characters seemingly unrelated to the rest of the story, we've met two of the three main characters. At this point in the story, Eunae seems to be the main character, because we get so much insight into her thoughts and feelings here in Chapter One. We know Calixte more, really, from Eunae's point of view than from our own, or hers.

We're off to a good start, in which we can wonder what ties the prologue to the rest of the story. We know why these two characters become connected to one another, but I am not sure, exactly, why they have already begun to develop the bond they have. How long were they in the carriage before they began to talk to each other? Why did they wait until Irinifa was in view?

These are just a couple thoughts, suggestions and questions you might consider. *Wink* More to come soon!

Keep Writing!
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Technical Suggestions:

Nothing except the sound of the falling rain -- Is he under something which keeps the rain from falling onto him? I think this scene could be more vivid and believable if we find him waking up and feeling the raindrops - even they could be soothing and hypnotic - and if we see that he's soaked when he gets up.

Drifting slowly, peacefully.... a low rumbling sound penetrated the darkness -- I can assure you there will be people who get onto you for these ellipses; there are several technical reasons they shouldn't be used here. But I think that the way this sentence is written, the ellipses add to the tone of what is being described. They enhance the feeling of the slow and peaceful drifting, followed by the rumbling that actually wakes him up. However, you might want to remove just one period. To me, the four denotes an ellipses followed by a period, and I don't think you need to make the following words a separate sentence.

I'm not sure you need the word "sound", though. I think that you could simply say "a low rumbling" and have just as much effect.

A note on the words you've italicized: I get the feeling they are supposed to be the man's thoughts, but they're in the third-person narrative voice. This gives the feeling that he's thinking about himself in the third-person. Why not give these a more internal feel, and make them more personal to Vincent?

"Vincent." -- I don't think this should be separate from the previous paragraph. On the other hand, I have to admit that its importance is made clear by standing out on its own. If you separate it, though, you should change the comma after the preceding "darkness" to a period.

the man was able to make out their owner. -- This phrase comes across as less effective in the passive voice. I would suggest he could make out their owner.

It appeared to be a rodent, no a squirrel. -- I think this would be more effective if you broke it up into two sentences. It appeared to be a rodent. No - a squirrel!

The shock of remembering his name had caused him to forget the squirrel's presence, -- That comma should be a period.

"What, who are you?" he asked, -- I think the comma after "What" would be more effective as a dash, showing how Vincent's stopped mid-sentence to change his words. The comma after "asked" should be a period.

Vincent looked at the squirrel horrified, -- I think that you could use a comma after "squirrel", but the comma after "horrified" should be a period.

just like the eerie whisper that was its voice, -- That comma should be a period.

The squirrel didn't wait for Vincent's response, -- That comma should be a period. There are several other sentences as well, which end in commas, but you should be able to see them.

Panic over, Vincent was now eyeing the squirrel -- I think that the only thing you showed us of Vincent's panic was his outburst. What is he doing? Has he just stood in the same spot to yell at the squirrel? Show us what his panic looks like.

In the same sentence, (above) "was now eyeing" is in passive voice. These setences tend to be more concise and effective in the active voice. Try Vincent eyed the squirrel...



General Thoughts:

I love that you used the reflection in the puddle to tell us what Vincent looks like. Thank you for using the situation in the story for this -- some times it's just annoying to read a character's physical description when it just doesn't fit into the story. However, you've placed it so that we learn what he looks like because he is, and that makes more impact. The reader has been experiencing everything from Vincent's point of view up until this point, and you've effectively drawn the reader into empathizing with him. *Thumbsup* Good job!

**I've read this story because I read a review of it that warned you against using reflections for your vampires; that reviewer suggested that you not toy with vampire lore in such a way. As a fellow author of vampire stories, though, I have to tell you, Go for it! These are your vampires, in your own universe, and there is no reason you can't ascribe to them those vampire-story characteristics that you want to. Every author has different points of the legends that they choose to keep and that they choose to toss; I've been known to change my preferences from story to story, because what worked for one story didn't work for the other. So don't feel like you have to keep Vincent in the dark about his appearance because "vampires don't have reflections".

Vampires don't exist, you're crazy! No, wait I'm crazy, you don't exist! -- *Laugh* Oh, I love this line! It sounds like such a natural thing to say -- especially in this situation. *Thumbsup*

I do hope you continue this story. I am as curious about the squirrel as I am about the vampire - maybe even moreso, because talking squirrels aren't as strongly existent among modern stories.

You've created a great opening scene here, which leaves the reader with a desire to know more, which will in turn make him continue reading. I think with a little polish and length, this will turn out to be a very entertaining adventure.

Good job! Welcome to Writing.com, and keep writing!

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Review of Short Stories  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1079421 by Not Available.


Hello! This is a review for "Short Stories" Open in new Window.

The description of this folder is concise and exact. But I don't think you need to repeat yourself in the informative top section of the folder. I do think, though, it's good that you mention the fact that most of your short stories tend to evolve into longer ones, but for the time they're short, they'll be housed here.

I think the images in the body of the folder are also appropriate -- just as the image in the FF folder was. I wonder, though, if you were to explain the One Ring sig, so that your guests wouldn't have to leave your port to find out what that's all about. Just a small description of the group would suffice, I think. I mean, they've come to your port and to this folder for a reason. Don't let your prospective readers take off to see what's on the other side of that link without reading something by you!

Maybe it's just me (but I doubt it) but when I click on a link like that, I often get involved in what's going on out there, and usually forget to go back to the place I saw the link.

Or maybe I've worked in retail too long. *Wink*

I think it's very attractive that you have your award-winning stories at the top of the folder. I think your titles are different enough that people are going to want to look at every story, because they're not going to get the feeling that they're just reading more of the same.

Once again, though, I have to argue with your descriptions -- well, just two of them this time. I don't know if I saw it in a newsletter or in someone's item here on Writing.com, but I fairly recently read the advice that the contest information shouldn't be your story's description. If the contest requires it, that's one thing. Even then, though, once the contest is over, you should make that description something truly attention-grabbing, if for no other reason than to attract more readers.

Don't get me wrong, though. I had just that sort of descriptions until I read that advice, at which point I hurried back to my port to change mine. And now I'm just helping to spread the advice where I can. Maybe, too, you have your own reasons for wanting to remember that those stories were written because of those prompts... But I think you know what I'm trying to say. I was more excited about reading the two stories with the descriptions than the two with the prompt and contest information.

Good organization -- good job!


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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
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#1079421 by Not Available.


Hello! This is a review for "The Apprentice and the Crystal Ball" Open in new Window.

“You worthless girl, why haven’t you restocked my workroom? Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday! And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl?” -- I have a couple suggestions for this dialogue. Merely a difference in opinion of punctuation, I'm sure, but I think it would read more smoothly like this: “You worthless girl! Why haven’t you restocked my workroom? Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday? And my study [no comma] doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you, girl?”

Putting down her scrub brush, she wiped her hands and she made her way up -- I don't think you need that second "she" there. **Should this be a separate paragraph? If so, you need a blank line above it. If not, there might be an extra [Enter]; the spacing just looks strange.

...he was always scowled at her. -- Should that be scowling? Or would you rather take out the "was"?

No, Master, I was cleaning the kitchen," -- Without a comma after "No", it reads as if there isn't a master.

he left out an exasperated breath -- He left it out, as in he usually did it but didn't this time, or he let it out, as in releasing an exasperated breath.

“Yes sir,” she mumbled, not bothering to question his words. -- I'm not sure I agree with your choice of wording, here. To me, if she's not bothering to do it, I would expect it to be too much trouble. In her situation, I would think she would "not dare" to question him.

She checked all his bottles, pouches and small boxes quickly before rushing off to gather what was missing or in short supply. -- Where does she gather them? What kind of materials are they? What are all the components, and where does a mage get such things? Are they herbs, stones, feathers, dust...? I think you could add some intriguing details here, and for the people who read fantasy and keep track of spell components - AD&D nerds, like me! - I think you'd be telling your readers a lot more about this wizard than you think. We'll have an idea of his nature and personality because of his spell components, you know?

She turned toward the door and was abruptly face to face with the wizard Ah’Fez. -- This seems a little late in the story to be telling us his name. You use it here and in the next paragraph, but I think that's it. Is it really necessary we know his name? If so, perhaps you could introduce him sooner.

If her master, the wizard Ah’Fez were to go to his study for something and discover she still hadn’t cleaned it; she didn’t want to think about what he might do. -- This sentence seems backwards to me. Have you considered switching the order of these clauses? The semi-colon doesn't seem like the right punctuation for where it is, because it's not really a different thought. Try something like She didn't want to think about what he might do if her master were to go to his study for something and discover she still hadn't cleaned it.

I took out this second instance of his name because, in this sentence, it sounds more like a title: Her master, The Wizard Ah'Fez. And in this situation, it reads to me as anytime she thinks of him, she thinks of him with the title.

Many times the wizard would lock himself up in it for days on end. When this happened she would forget about cleaning it, and would usually like today, receive a tongue lashing for it. -- There are a lot of "woulds" here. It seems to give the story a more conversational tone, rather than a narrative tone -- but I may well be the only one who thinks so. The only one I'd really suggest changing is the first one: Many times the wizard had locked himself up in it for days on end.

Also, I suggest putting a comma after "usually"; "like today" is an explanatory fragment.

her old thinning sweater pocket -- "old" seems unnecessary. It slows down this sentence quite a bit, because of all the adjectives here. And I think your readers will assume that the thinning sweater pocket is an old one.

Just had a new thought while I typed that. Do you mean to say that the pocket is thinning? I would assume that the entire sweater is. Perhaps she could pull the rag from the pocket of her old, thinning sweater. See, to me, that makes the sweater a noun, instead of just telling us where the pocket is. So then, you could keep "old" in there, because it wouldn't seem as bogged down. At least, to me. *Wink*

A single tear rolled down her face followed by another and another. -- Sorry to get nit-picky like this, but how is it a single tear, if it's followed by others? I completely understand the poignancy of the image of a girl with one tear rolling down her cheek... but that image is broken before the reader even finishes the sentence. To me, this is a stream of tears. "Single tear" shouldn't be used for this image.

When it didn’t work, she angrily wiped at her face with the rag she had been dusting with. -- Maybe it's the proximity of the "with's"... Think about ...she angrily wiped at her face with the rag she had used to dust.

“I could teach you a cantrip, a really small spell, if you’d like?” -- I can hear the questioning tone of this offer without the question mark. But while it has a questioning tone, should it really be a question?

Oh, heavens, no!” the woman replied, then seeing the puzzled look on the girl's face added, “I’m something much more complicated.” -- Do we ever get to find out what's more complicated than a sorceress? What kind of being is she? What kind of being has more magical power than a wizard or a sorceress, but is unable to keep him/herself from being captured by one?

The girl, still on the verge of tears, didn’t offer anything else.

“Come now, everyone has a name,” the woman exclaimed surprised. -- I don't think "surprised" is necessary.

“Be patient,[space]Mouse. I’m sure after you’ve been his apprentice for a month or two, maybe even three; it will all make sense and you’ll do just fine.” -- I think I'd change that semicolon to a comma, since it's not a separate thought.

I don’t have a home, or a family. -- Why not? Did Ah'Fez notice her, as an orphan, on the streets and decide to take her in because he could sense her innate abilities? Is her family dead? When he made her his apprentice, did he take her so far from home she can't remember where it is? Is this a world that shuns magic-users, so her family disowned her when they realized she was one? Or, *Wink* are magic users hatched from eggs?

I think the reader could be more drawn into this story if there were a way to relate to the characters, especially to this main character. There needs to be a reason for us to care about her, and the fact that she doesn't have a home or family is an empty one. It's too clichéd. It's tragic, yes, but it's a tragedy that is too easily expected, and I know you can give us more than this. I can even believe that you know why she's stuck with this miser of a wizard, but I want to know, too, or else I just don't care enough about her.

“now where have you gotten to, girl! -- Just a typo; that n needs to be capitalized.

The poor girl was more than just exhausted she was drained of magic, but why she didn’t know. -- You might consider breaking this into two sentences. I think the fact that Mouse is drained of magic would have more impact on the readers if it were part of its own statement; as it is, it comes across as a phrase that emphasizes her exhaustion.

“Awake again, are we?” -- Because it reads to me the way Yoda talks.

Whirling around, her heart pounding, -- Because without the comma, the image that comes to my mind is the girl spinning in a circle around her heart. And that's just... gruesome. *Pthb*

“Wizard’s don’t take apprentices for nothing. -- Why is that apostrophe there?

I can only use the magic of the ancients. -- Now Alia's more mysterious than before. Cryptic, I'd be willing to say. Who are these ancients? What are they? What makes her able to use their magic - is she an ancient? Maybe a young one? Maybe a fae? What is the difference between the magic of the ancients and the magic that mages use?

Why does Alia know the spells that mages use, if using them makes her sick? And a contradiction's been presented to us. She can only gather and store magic, but she can't use it, but she can only use the magic of the ancients. Are the ancient ways more powerful? Less powerful? Harder or easier to learn? Why are they called the ancients? Does no one use that old stuff any more? Did it go out of style, so to speak, or were the ancients considered dangerous and hunted to the point that only a few remembered their ways? What caused the break between ancient magic and "modern" magic of the wizard?

Why is the wizard such a leech? Why is he so miserable and unwilling to teach his pupil? Can we assume that he really just took her in to have someone clean up his messes, or did he plan to teach her in the beginning, and grow frustrated with her short attention span and memorization difficulties? Or has he been purposefully teaching her the wrong words to the spells, the wrong components, because he really just wants to keep her submissive? That's the impression I get most strongly.

Alia looked at Mouse with hopefulness -- Why not just "hope"?

her master’s most recent words as well as actions had not helped. -- Has he gotten worse, or has it just bothered her more because she sees a possibility of a better life? Why don't you show us what's been making her decision more final?

The glow of magic surrounding the stranger that before had hardly existed flared to life, -- Something about the wording of this sentence makes it awkward and difficult to follow. Had there been a faint magical glow before? Why did she not notice it earlier? If it was too faint to be seen, why not just say that a glow flared to life, and leave out the part "that before had hardly existed"?

a pile of blackened ash rising from a smoking robe. -- This gives me an image of the ash moving... wispy, blowing around a bit.

Was she spared of becoming a pile of ash, herself, because she was hidden under the desk? Or did the burst of power only affect Ah'Fez? I had an idea that it had emanated from this stranger [Greel?] in all directions, destroying many things in its path?

Overall, the feeling I get from this story is... I've read this before. Not the exact same names, not the exact same situation, but a very familiar concept. Cinderella, with the fairy godmother being either Alia or the man that Mouse calls with the spell. She's overworked, under-appreciated, abused, and lonely, and then *poof!* her tormentor is destroyed and she's off to a better life, where she'll be treated with all the love they can give to make up for her early hardships.

And I realize that every story we can write has, essentially been written, and I'm not saying that this one doesn't deserve to be written or given any credit because of any of what I've said. But I'd like to see more; I'd like to know why the characters are the people they have become. Ah-Fez wasn't just born a wicked, selfish wizard who wanted a little girl to clean his house -- why not show us the full, four-dimensional character that he can be. Let us see him as a person, as well as the villain. That kind of villain's just plain more fun to read about. And it makes it more interesting for us to read about the good guys, too.

This could be one of those stories that people want to read, even when they know how it's going to turn out, but it's got to be more of a story than Disney can tell us. Mouse is the only character with any real personality, and I don't see that she's changed much - either over the years, or in the story presented here. Flesh out those other characters -- maybe make Alia irresistable to the readers, so that when Mouse doesn't immediately let her out, we all want to scream at her how much she needs to. Let us know what you do about this story, and we'll just keep asking for more.



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Review of Urban Vampires  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Technical Suggestions:

“I’ve seen you before haven’t I?” The figure asked rhetorically. -- "the" does not need to be capitalized.

“You find something amusing Milosh?” Inquired a voice -- "inquired" does not need to be capitalized.

“Nothing at all, Tor," stated the first sharply -- In dialogue tags such as these, unless you're using a question or exclamation mark, a comma should take the place of the period, and the first word of the narration does not need to be capitalized. It is, essentially, the same sentence.

I was mistaken after all Tor, please accept my apology.” Milosh offered hastily. -- I think this would be more effective as two sentences. For example: I was mistaken, after all, Tor. Please, accept my apology," Milosh offered hastily.

to stop the vampire who is ravaging out fair city, -- Just a typo. That should be "our".

General Thoughts:

*thumsbup* Your vampires have an uncanny sense of timing and humor, and that makes them so much more enjoyable!

I would like to see more suspense in this story... Tell more about the murders, or tell more about Tanner's strategy or theories... Build up the suspense of this tale so your readers can sit back with a sigh of relief when they find out he's going to be okay.

Good job!

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Review of Two Jacks  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Technical Suggestions:

There's was no menu -- "There's" or "There was"?

"Hey" -- You're missing a period here. Also, here:
"Tujague's"

General Thoughts:

How funny! The way this poem changed from an amazing description of dinner to a tale about the costs is wonderful! You'll surprise your readers with this, and they'll love it almost every time.

The natural tone to this makes it very believable - I have no doubts, in fact. There is no set pattern to the poem, meter, or rhyme scheme, but I don't think this would have been as interesting as prose, somehow.

Great job!
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Technical Suggestions:

No suggestions!

General Thoughts:

Your description of this picture is perfect, not because of what is in the picture, but what isn't. Abandoned playgrounds, I think, stir emotions in everyone, because we are unaccustomed to seeing them empty.

The emotions you relate through this poem show, in my opinion, the anguish of the empty swingset as well as a place in our hearts adults can no longer go to; this poem recalls memories of the light-heartedness that children have in simple moments, when even flight was an ability we had, if it weren't for the chains tying those swings to the ground.

Great job!
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Technical Suggestions:

No suggestions!

General Thoughts:

The only thing I felt was missing from this saxaphone was the slow curvature of the inevitable dents, the worn look of an almost cracking reed, the brown rough patches where the fingertips of years of playing have worn through the metal, showing which keys were held down the longest, the notes that were played the most. To me, the image of an instrument played with the longing this poem decribes is one with as much visual character as it has musical character.

Your use of language in this poem has a lot of heart to it. I enjoyed your description of the funeral marches; they are beautiful and show a unique spirit.

Good work!
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Review of Double A to Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Technical Suggestions:

I have nothing against people who’s skin -- whose

I, however, question

It is impossible to remove generation’s deep roots -- I think that should be "generations-deep roots

General Thoughts:

For someone who rarely takes a stand on issues, as this says, I think you've chosen a good issue to take a stand on. You don't exploit any ethnicity in this piece, and your efforts to end certain exploitations are well-written.

There are a few areas in this piece that are more difficult to read than others; I got the impression that you were on a roll and just didn't notice when punctuation would be used or a break in sentences or paragraphs would enable the reader to follow along better. Still, your opinion comes across clearly, and you've made a very good point.
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Review by Dark Lady Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Technical Suggestions:

An independent sevens year old

I spent two days, half heartedly calling friends -- I don't think you really need that comma.

General Thoughts:

This is a really endearing story. It seems Dads who can't say no to their little girls are a common personality, these days. *Smile*

I'm actually surprised that more reasons didn't come from Dad on the argument for getting a new puppy. I would have expected questions regarding how Emily planned to buy food, and pay for vet visits, &c... But maybe that's just because those were among the arguments my parents always used on me. *Wink*
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