This is a perfect example of gut-raw minimalist poetry, it leads you down a path you think you want to go and the slaps your face with reality. Poetry at its best, the reader must react.
Observations and such:
The hiaku type formation of each line adds to the slight of hand that will come at the end.
You packed so much emotion into this poem and since it's "ripped from the headlines" there can be no denying the truth of it.
The use of the "prom queen" takes it to an unexpected audience.
The ultimate universal theme, searching for the meaning to life.
Observations and such:
You said what needed to be said and didn't try to satisfy that harpy inside that wants to ramble on. This is an admirable, and unteachable, trait in poetry.
The use of contrasting imagery (rough hands/tender mists) gives this simple piece such texture.
This is a very nice retelling of a childhood experience. Though it is short you tell a great deal about yourself in a lovely concise manner. There are a couple of edit notes:
In the opening line you write, "Most younger kids..." This presents a weak start for the piece and given the spareness of the piece you need to start it with more formal language, "At a young age, most children..." The other note involves the last paragraph.
You have a marvelous opportunity to turn the tale back on itself, even though you admit to being all grown up you still find yourself hiding away. The last sentence has a very weak sound to it, "mostly an adult." If you are married with children you are an adult, at least for the moral of this story to work.
What a wonderfully playful piece! There are places where the rhythm drops off and causes the reader to "stumble" or stop in the flow. Look at the pattern established in the first stanza and bring the others around to match it. This could become a great children's piece!
This is a nice interpretation of a very difficult poetic form. It is unusual to use such a somber subject for the triolet but I realize that this was for a contest and so the pure form was not used.
You broke the rhythm pattern several times, especially in the second stanza, which causes a break in the emotional flow of the piece.
You can't beat a good cat story! This was a very enjoyable read.
Your descriptions, both physical and personality, was wonderful. You allowed the reader to see the cats as intrigal parts of the story without becoming overly sacrene.
There were some problems with the construction, however, that cause some difficulty in following the plot. For example, you don't tell the reader that you are on vacation until the last paragraph. Up until that point the reader is left wondering why one cat is in the bush and the other on the path. Yes, you allude that the kitten is in another part: of the state? country? city?, but that lends unclarity when switching. It's almost as if the stories are three completely unrelated events, maybe the use of the stars between paragraphs added to the feeling of disconnectedness. Another convention used that slows down the flow is the incorrect use of ellipsis (...) for pause. In writing, commas, semicolons, and periods are used to indicate pauses not ellipsis which are used to indicate that something has been left out.
Oh, Jiminy, look how I've gone on! The story has really wonderful moments, especially that last image of the kitten sitting in Dianes lap, that have the makings of a major short story if you just fleshed it out more.
You can't beat a good cat story! This was a very enjoyable read.
Your descriptions, both physical and personality, was wonderful. You allowed the reader to see the cats as intrigal parts of the story without becoming overly sacrene.
There were some problems with the construction, however, that cause some difficulty in following the plot. For example, you don't tell the reader that you are on vacation until the last paragraph. Up until that point the reader is left wondering why one cat is in the bush and the other on the path. Yes, you allude that the kitten is in another part: of the state? country? city?, but that lends unclarity when switching. It's almost as if the stories are three completely unrelated events, maybe the use of the stars between paragraphs added to the feeling of disconnectedness. Another convention used that slows down the flow is the incorrect use of ellipsis (...) for pause. In writing, commas, semicolons, and periods are used to indicate pauses not ellipsis which are used to indicate that something has been left out.
Oh, Jiminy, look how I've gone on! The story has really wonderful moments, especially that last image of the kitten sitting in Dianes lap, that have the makings of a major short story if you just fleshed it out more.
Very nicely written, it engaged the reader from the beginning gentle leading (tricking?) the reader into a false sense of security; just a nice little remembrance don't worry, dear reader. You strike the emotional sure and strong and it reverbrates to the end.
Yes, very nicely written.
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Very nicely written, it engaged the reader from the beginning gentle leading (tricking?) the reader into a false sense of security; just a nice little remembrance don't worry, dear reader. You strike the emotional sure and strong and it reverbrates to the end.
Yes, very nicely written.
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
You can't beat a good cat story! This was a very enjoyable read.
Your descriptions, both physical and personality, was wonderful. You allowed the reader to see the cats as intrigal parts of the story without becoming overly sacrene.
There were some problems with the construction, however, that cause some difficulty in following the plot. For example, you don't tell the reader that you are on vacation until the last paragraph. Up until that point the reader is left wondering why one cat is in the bush and the other on the path. Yes, you allude that the kitten is in another part: of the state? country? city?, but that lends unclarity when switching. It's almost as if the stories are three completely unrelated events, maybe the use of the stars between paragraphs added to the feeling of disconnectedness. Another convention used that slows down the flow is the incorrect use of ellipsis (...) for pause. In writing, commas, semicolons, and periods are used to indicate pauses not ellipsis which are used to indicate that something has been left out.
Oh, Jiminy, look how I've gone on! The story has really wonderful moments that have the makings of a major short story if you just fleshed it out more.
Keep writing.
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