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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tekkadan
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182 Public Reviews Given
182 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there Bint,

My thoughts:It was a well written piece. I could tell that you aren't a stranger to writing.

What I liked:It had a wonderful air about it, I am a big fan of fantasy so from the time I read "Enchantia" I was really intrigued. The gem had an interesting power too and the writing was really good, none of the sentences fell flat or read awkwardly.

What I think it lacked: Tension. Amelia was not shown struggling at any point in the story. I got the feeling this wasn't written as a short story as there was only prose from the narrator in it.

Character:Amelia was the only character, but it was a rather short piece and she wasn't explored. Only thing I found out about her is that she's a courageous adventurer.

Typos:Didn't notice any typos, good job.
2
2
Review of The Good Witch  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey, What's up lightinMind

My thoughts:An interesting story from start to end. It really drew me in as I anticipated what was going to go wrong on Greta's visit to the town.

What I liked: The history of the great wars that was just a cover up for the magical wars going on behind the scenes. And your descriptions were really good as well.

Characters:Greta was super interesting to read about, her whole backstory/daily life was really woven interestingly into the story.

Ambrose was also a great character, his description was done very well and just when I thought I knew what he was all about, bam, he was actually the antagonist and Greta had to get away.

Typos: There were none that I noticed.

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey, whats up Phoenix Scribe

My thoughts: Not only an interesting Story, but an interesting premise. The writing was good, maybe could've been a bit funnier but that part about feeling your self made me chuckle.

What I liked: The idea of a teen randomly shape shifting at school was intriguing, that's an interesting premise. Reading it I got a sort of Family Guy vibe, like that sort of animated comedy show.

Characters: Akemi was interesting, she and the people around her seemed pretty used to the transformations.

My issues/suggestions: felt like the descriptions after shes transformed could've been better, as I wasn't familiar with the characters she turned into. Also wondering how big is this windblade transformer since it seemed that she transformed into it in her room?

Typos: Didnt notice any typos *Clap*
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey riding hood, doesn't seem like your story finished as yet but it seems like a great set up so far
5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Akareel, good morning man

Well to answer your first question, no I dont think this can stand as a first chapter. And for the the second question I would say yes but that solely because I love reading about magic and how other persons
go about creating their magic systems.

There were some sentences that seemed off to me. Like "He did the act of clenching his right hand in front of him" why include " He did the act"

The reason I said that I dont think this can stand as a first chapter is because there's no tension, no inciting incident. I'm assuming Urie awakening to magic is going to be the inciting incident or something that happens when he go to the tower so maybe you could consider starting the story on the day of the harvest festival or when he goes to the tower.

It wasn't a terrible read just lacked that tension, that main dramatic question at the end of the first chapter.

Well good luck man and keep on writing you're definitely on the right track.
6
6
Review of The Guardian  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hey there Simple Spider

My initial thoughts: A well written piece, didn't notice any typos.

Issues/suggestions: The protagonist reactions to being out of her body seemed too calm/she didn't as scared as she should have been by the whole situation.

I'm also confused as to what was going on, what were the little demons doing? Healing people? And why was the protagonist torquise?
7
7
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Robert, sorry it's been a minute since I promised you this review. Just started a new job, so things a bit hectic right now. I had actually read the first draft but by the time I was going to post my review the second one was already up.

My thoughts: Overall this second draft is definitely stronger, but personally I liked the ending from the first one better. Making Sam gay definitely made the bullying more traumatic. An idea I also had was what if from the start of the story you let the reader know about the kidney donation and have Sam be the only one in the dark till the end. Just a thought I had, like having the reader waiting to see Sam's reaction when he finally finds out

My issues/suggestions:In the paragraph where Ron handed him the water how about omitting 'once' and using 'and' instead of ', he' there.

How about Leaving Ron with no doubt that God's...

Typos: didn't notice any :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.


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8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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What's up Melina

My thoughts:An interesting and we'll written prologue, left me wondering what this world is like and what is the narrator.

What I liked:No, not a man[,] for I do not, nor will I ever, associate myself with the likes of humans. This was a pretty cool sentence and an interesting reveal that the narrator isn't human.

My issues/suggestions:where you has envious at the life I enjoy, how about 'envious of' instead

Typos:no typos that I noticed :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
"The Quills" Open in new Window.
9
9
Review of Sprocket  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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The Super Power reviewers group thanks Schnujo's NOT Doing NaNoWriMo Author IconMail Icon for her amazing charity auction

What's up Jody, hope you're having a great day

My thoughts:A great piece of flash fiction

What I liked:lol, the ending was hilarious.

Characters:For such a short piece I feel like I got to know sprocket so well, a kind caring soul that works hard. She had real and believable dialogue with Mr Alexander. He was also interesting, the absent minded genius racer, sounds like a character to write a whole book on:)

My issues/suggestions:no issues or suggestions

Typos:and no typos Yah!
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up gingerbug, hello again

My thoughts:A well written story and an interesting read, though there are quite a few sentences that need to be improved.

What I liked:when she fell into the floor as soon as she reached enticing book, that was nicely done :)

Rikki's mom rubbing the back of her neck was a nice mannerism, made her seem more real and adding mannerisms is something I struggle to do myself.

At the end when you described what rikki's father did to her mother, that was really well described, good job, A++

My issues/suggestions: The first paragraph felt like it was being told too much as opposed to being shown. And I felt like the opening sentence was too cryptic, going by the prologue I'm assuming this is where she wakes up after she was drugged but starting with 'I was outside' sort of makes it seem like she just magically appeared there especially seeing as she had no idea where she was. Also why did it seem like she was on a battle field?

You described the floor as metallic with bolts and cracks. Also the purple energy seemed to be coming from below the floor. As I read it I couldn't visualize the floor setting, I think giving more detail as to the how these bolts and cracks are situated would help, i'm also assuming the purple energy was shining up from the cracks.

Making sure I wasn't making(having) hallucinations. I don't think there's really anyway to make sure you're not having hallucinations unless you has someone there to tell you the person you're seeing isn't there, so how about: hoping I wasn't hallucinating.

Typos: the brightest purple I (had) ever...

"What's going on?" I (said).

Your(You're) no fun...

I look(ed) around me...

Let you fall asleep (then) say...

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

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11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up gingerbug

My thoughts: Awesome. A short and simple flash of betrayal, I liked it.

My issues/suggestions:Maybe change the item description though, seeing as there's no mention of a video game or being trapped mentioned.

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

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12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up River

My thoughts:An awesome story, I really enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to reading more of river's journey and the destruction brought about by the robots.

What I liked:Oh, how naive and trusting we were then. :)

I can make it! I ran track! A+ for bravery lol That entire scene was also really exciting, watching her race against time really brought the tension

Characters:River was pretty cool. And brave :) The characters were believable and had realistic dialogue.

My issues/suggestions:when carebots had just come out. How about: when carebots were just released

Expl-ns, think you should make it more clear that this word is explosions, assuming that's what it is:)

and opened to door to our apartment. Has typo in here but how about going with and opened our apartment door.

I looked up and down the hallway I was on(e) to check for...how about ...hallway checking for large cracks

The scene where the lady sends river back to get her bracelet seemed implausible, cuz I'm thinking the reason she has a bracelet is because she was scanned and found to be human. And maybe the bracelet serves some other purpose or you need it so you don't get electrified at the pod doors but think you need to make clear why she had to go back for the bracelet. Also the scene where river verified Latin wasn't a robot by checking his pulse further raises the question as to why she had to go back for the bracelet.

My hand slipped through the door and onto my side... I couldn't visualize what happened here, how/why did her hand slip? It seems like the door has two halves and she stuck her hand in between as it was closing, showing how her arm was wedged in there could help give some clarity(like was it wedged at her elbow? Higher? Lower?) And where you said 'and onto my side' seems like it may be unnecessary.

Implausible: why was Latin staying in the minimart considering that the appearantly more hospitable wall Mart was right next door?

Oh and how about a name for this robotic race of usurpers. Just calling them AI feels like a waste.

Typos:the(that) AI would overrule(sounds wrong here, maybe:try to take over) for a while...

Immediately afterwards(after) the lady...

And about three days in to(into) my stay at...

I wasn't supposed to know I discovered that on(by) accident.

That's why you couldn't get it(in, maybe?)

Do you too(know) how stupid that is?

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

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13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Smee

My thoughts:A very interesting and very creative story. Looking forward to seeing the rest of your world.

What I liked:I like the world so far. Utter darkness, a flat smooth ground, appearantly a hunting ground for morhem. And they've never seen a human before. All very intriguing.

Characters:I think you did a great job with the characters, they had great reactions and dialogue.

Typos:and he didn't intend (on) losing it.

Placed its cargo... (it's)

the yanking at his neck contnued

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
14
14
Review of The Dread Bridge  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up duhhfactor, you reviewed a piece of mine a while back and thought I'd repay the favor

My thoughts:An interesting story, sounds like an interesting world and I enjoyed reading it.

What I liked:The mention of wizards and dwarves. Plus they stole his carriage lol, thieving dwarves.

Characters:The protagonist was an interesting guy, my only problem with him was after the voice told him she'd appear at some point and kill him he didn't immediately seek help. He lives in a world with magic and wizards yet he spent days worrying and only ended up seeking help from a wizard after his friend questioned him.

My issues/suggestions:her voice teetering on insaneness. How about insanity instead

As he had referred to it as. Think you should take out 'as' at the end.

When he opened his eyes she was no longer standing in front of him. You didn't mention her appearing

Typos:he knows their they're stable

He had had a carriage...

His heart beat(s) wildly now

He see(s) nothing

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up smee, coming to you live from the FSFS review board

My thoughts: An interesting first chapter.

What I liked:The set up for the story was pretty cool. And his experience while falling I to the blackness was well described.

Characters:Sej had some interesting inner dialogue, didn't really learn much about him but the story is just getting started. Only info I would have liked to know about him is his age/age group, you said he had young hands so at least I know he isn't wrinkled but left me wondering young like in his 20s, 30s etc.

My issues/suggestions:no issues, suggestions

Typos:or typos:)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
16
16
Review of Normal  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up huntersmoon, just here procrastinating on finishing my own entry :)

My thoughts:An interesting story, nice cliffhanger.

What I liked:How Sarah's unsuspecting friend was going on about how you may never know, monsters may be real while Sarah comes from a family of monsters :)

Characters:You had interesting and believable characters with believable and realistic dialogue.

Typos:none that I noticed

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

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17
17
Review of A Gathering  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Espinado

My thoughts:An interesting story Espinado. I think your cliffhanger could use some work though, there wasn't like any tension at the end there, no one was worried or seemed to be in any danger. Still a good job tho, keep on writing man :)

My Favorite part:The German accent :) and also where you described it as a 'cartoon' German accent :)

Who calls the great pumpkin lol

Characters:The characters were pretty interesting, didn't really learn much about them but an interesting cast of species.

My issues/suggestions:Said a woman, think you should take out the comma here

Grunted a short man with scars, think you should describe his scars and also mention where on his body they are

Popped up over it(think you should reword this part, like maybe emerged over the grave or something like that)

More wear and tear than the last row.(think you should take out row at the end there)

There were one more man and two...(There was one man and two women. Since you already pointed out that there was three others in the previous sentence don't think you need'more' in there.

Typos:." Said a woman... (," said a woman...)

Form popped up over it and spoke (.)

I can not touch...(cannot)

A middle aged woman in pants... (a)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
18
18
Review of Pumpkin Eater  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Genipher

My thoughts:a well written piece, good job.

My Favorite part:the Peter pumpkin eater reference at the end. Brought back memories

Characters: An interesting cast of nursery rhyme characters with believable dialogue. Even got the contractor that's trying to pay his employees peanuts :)

Typos:none that I noticed :)

Also check out my latest project and let me know what you think

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#2165362 by Not Available.

A darkness is coming

Is it the best collection of short stories you've ever read? :) Then consider nominating it for a quill award
19
19
Review of The Beginning  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Goku

My thoughts: An interesting start, and really funny, had me laughing at the end.

My Favorite part: You spoke negatively and hence you have detention. Lolol, this guy is so the super villian :)

Typos: ego that cold... (Could)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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20
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Monstradamus

My thoughts: An interesting and well written story.

My Favorite part: the table that displayed the mortal realm, that was a nice and creative touch.

My issues/suggestions: I felt like there could have been more showing, all of the events that happened on the mortal plane were told about instead of shown. And while the God's and the table were some interesting aspects I didn't get a great feel of tension between the characters.

Typos:did not notice a single typo :)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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21
21
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sounds like it's gonna be an interesting book, best of luck. Oh and what's scroll?
22
22
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up M M Khan

My thoughts: A good start. Your sentence structure and punctuation still needs a lot of work but the story idea wasn't half bad. I'm guessing this is the first or among the first things you've ever written and you're only fifteen so you've got a lot of time to polish up your writing. Keep at it man, who knows, maybe one day Stephen king would be asking for your autograph :)

Typos:had all (the) qualities

Had been the topper don't know if 'topper' is a thing but think you meant at the top of...

Which will(would)

the good boy of the class(,)"

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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23
23
Review of Copycat  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up bob

My thoughts:an interesting and well written story. Killed by a monster cat who you mistook for your pet, lol.

My Favorite part:when Mavis said the kids sped like they had been granted immortality by God almighty, that was hilarious.

Characters: You had a great cast of characters. Believable and interesting. Mavis was pretty funny and even the sheriff and his wife who didn't have much page time had an interesting story.

Typos:none that I noticed.

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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24
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up BScholl

My thoughts:An interesting story, liked the mysterious end. Appearantly he was in some sort of accident, liked the mystery of this dream world he was in.

My Favorite part: Plucked it from it's watery predicament. That was some nice writing.

Typos:has I remember it clearly(,Maybe I remember it so clearly)

Strolled towards the top of the 'knob'

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Spartacus, bringer of rain, slayer of the shadow of death



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What's up Starmic

My thoughts:An interesting read.

My Favorite part:The blue dust that became the wisp that lead to the demons, that was a nice creative touch.

Characters:Felt like I didn't get to know the characters, that is often the case in these short pieces. But felt like you could of added some info on the characters motivations so we could better understand why they were doing the things they did.

My issues/suggestions:When you said the terrain was getting deeper, did you mean he was going underground? Think you needs to make that part clearer.

I'm not 100% sure but I'm assuming Vaz and Alexander are two different persons. In which case you need to make that more clear. When Vaz first came up there was no mention of who he was or any indication that the story was now focused on a different person, was wondering if maybe Vaz was a nickname for Alexander. There was also a paragraph that ended with Vaz swimming to the island and the next paragraph began with Alexander exhausted on the beach after swimming to the island which is what got me thinking they were probably the same person.

Also don't understand what happened when Vaz and Alexander met each other.

The ending where Vaz killed the demon came off as to easy, felt like this was the climax of the story but it wasn't very exciting.

Typos:has but you good boy..(think you wanted: a good boy)

Also check out my latest masterpiece and let me know what you think

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