That has got to be the worst day you ever had. Wow.
My favorite line:
Even though it was early autumn, I drove with the window down as the air was fresh with the scent of wet pine needles and the musky smell of rain soaked leaves.
Again, you have grammatical errors that make it difficult to get through some parts. I hope you take the time to fix this piece up, because your interesting narration deserves to shine.
And, again, you left me wanting to hear more. I hope you fill in your readers on what happened next!
You have a good storytelling style that makes me want to keep reading your work.
Although there are a bunch of grammatical errors in this piece, I was still able to "see" YOU - going from work, to home, and then ultimately to Sherman's.
I loved that you had Sherman voice what you yourself thought - that "he could snap you like a twig."
I cannot believe the dog's name - cute!
But I am left wondering - - did Sherman still interrupt your c.b. conversations after that meeting?
This is an interesting piece. You related the events of the day in order and in a way that propelled me onward to the shocking ending.
The only thing that dragged me down as a reader was your grammar. I think you could clean this piece up so that it is smoother overall. Below I have some suggestions. Please let me know if I can help further and know that if you make these corrections and then e-mail me, I will definitely increase the rating.
My friend Sherman and I planned to go fishing that day I suggest changing "that day" to "today" to streamline your story's tense.
...Grade 4 wastewater treatment plant operator for the city of Lowell,Mass A space is needed after the comma and a period is needed after "Mass". By the way, I have often wondered what it is like to work in a water treatment plant - if you write a story on your experiences working there, please let me know!
"There's been a change in plans." Sherman said as he opened the door. Typically, anytime you have "he said" or the like after an end ", the punctuation mark before the " should be anything but a period. This is how the line should look:
"There's been a change in plans," Sherman said as he opened the door.
Another example:
"I've got two fifteen year old bottles of scotch and a case of Heffenreffer and I thought we'd get drunk today instead." he replied with a mile long grin on his face.
"I've got two fifteen year old bottles of scotch and a case of Heffenreffer and I thought we'd get drunk today instead," he replied with a mile long grin on his face.
"What do you mean a change in plans?", I asked. The comma here is unnecessary. You could also do away with "I asked" because the readers know it is you asking the question.
" I don't think Joanna would appreciate me driving drunk, especially in the new car." There are a few instances where an unecessary space can be found between the " and the first word of your characters' speech. In one spot you are missing an end ". Also, each time you have a new character talking or a new paragraph beginning, I suggest putting in an entire line of space. For instance, instead of:
"There's been a change in plans." Sherman said as he opened the door.
"What do you mean a change in plans?", I asked.
Try:
"There's been a change in plans," Sherman said as he opened the door.
"What do you mean a change in plans?"
It's easier on the readers' eyes!
"Ok, your on!" I exclaimed It should be you're...
One more:
Thanking Sherman I showed myself out. I suggest a comma after "Sherman".
Parts I definitely would not change would include the third paragraph (because it made me laugh!) and the final sentence (because it surprised me and left me wanting to read more).
I think you nailed the present-day,-from-a-college-guy's-PoV. My male friends in college often compared girls to celebrities, with lines like, "She is so in Jessica Alba's league. I'd do her."
The dare at the table was believable, dramatic and funny at the same time. I like how you put us directly in Justin's shoes - I felt nervous that the wrong sort of girl was going to walk through the door.
Justin's thoughts really relay his personality. I like his silent side comments, like, "Not really" and "Ouch."
I have three suggestions.
1)In the first two paragraphs, there is concern that two different people might choke on their food. To change things up a bit, maybe Justin could be afraid that he's going to spit part of his sandwich across the table instead.
2)This line bumped me out of your story: "Around these parts, rumors fly faster than a torpedo on acid." Why a torpedo, per se? I have a hard time picturing a weapon on acid. Maybe you could tie this line in to something already mentioned. Like, "a mad dog on acid."
3)In your second paragraph, I think "less than two minutes" should be "fewer than two minutes," to be grammatically correct.
My favorite parts include the counting mayo-greased fingers, the repeating "do it" chant, and the bit where Justin is excited that he can tell Stephanie her name.
Oh, and I love the mental files imagery. I think that way too sometimes, picturing my brain like a computer with Windows files.
So, do you plan to write more about Justin? Sounds like this will be an adventure for him.
Is this a true story? If so, I recommend choosing the non-fiction genre for your static item. I want to believe that this really happened!
I wish the story was a little more clear on who Emily is...my assumption is that she's the main character's daughter. But, if she is fourteen months old, who took care of her during last year's shopping outing? And why was she brought along this year? My mind strayed from your story, considering the possibilites. I urge you to tell your readers a little more about Emily.
I also suggest placing an entire line of space before the new paragraph that starts, "She cried in the first store..." This will enhance the story's visibility, making it easier on your readers.
In your story, you write out the store's name as: Toys R’Us. In your item description, you write it out thus: Toys-r-Us. Consider streamlining the store name. I believe "Toys R Us" and "Toys"R"Us" are the typical versions.
Your ending is very, very sweet. Lovely wrap-up...you made me .
"It's a dare, you have to do it!" <-- This line reminds me of dares I took in childhood...it's funny that my friends and I felt we HAD to go through with any and all dares offered. Clearly, though, your main character feels the same way.
The third paragraph is my favorite, especially the last line. The information offered shows that this house has haunted aspects and the main character is trying to cover his/her fear.
Minor notes:
"...vines and foliage waswere..."
"...and great Oak trees" <--"Oak" does not need to be capitalized.
I like the idea of a golden key taken from a haunted shed.
The gunshot sound of the screen door is a nice addition to your story.
Most people who complete dares feel powerful and full of themselves at the end. I like that your character feels embarrassed - it gives the readers the feeling that s/he knew that the trespassing was wrong.
Congratulations on receiving First Place in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest!
This is grammatically well-written. The dialogue tells an interesting story; I found myself wanting to know more about this world, Agrog, and the two speakers.
It was a little frustrating to not know much about the main characters...I think some background information on them OR more action would have spiced up this piece. Flash fiction does not have to be action-packed, especially when it's poignant or humorous, but you chose action/adventure as your main genre and I feel you have a lot of "tell" instead of "show" here.
I'd like to point out this part: She proceeded to tell him what she had overheard. This sort of line is used when the readers already know what has happened and the author is afraid of boring them. However, I did not get the chance to follow Rainelie during that section of her mission and therefore do not know, really, what happened previously - nor do I feel much for Rainelie. I do not know if she did a good job, if she was nervous about gathering information, if she is really an enemy to Devron and planting false information...
I hope you understand what I mean? This might be a good part of a chapter for later in a novel, but I think it is finding it difficult to stand by itself.
Again, the idea of the impending quest is intriguing. Also, I like the names of your characters. But - I want more!
You did not win this round, but thanks for entering.
I like how you showed your readers Avaria's character. Clearly she is a woman of action and drive.
I do not know if you did it purposely, but I like your description of her hunting escapade, because as she slays the deer, a knight comes to her and seemingly tries to "slay" Avaria's spirit by making her a "proper" wife and housebound.
The ending is fun. I love how "her laughter trilled" as she galloped away - at this point she is not a catch.
Overall this is entertaining and it leaves me wanting a sequel. Write on!
Your first and fourth paragraphs hold impressive detail - do you know a lot about violins?
The ending threw me a bit. Because, in the beginning, Preston came in and, in detail, asked for the violin to be fixed. He appears to know the instrument and possibly can play it...so I wonder why you bring up the truck at the end, like he is an uncultured construction worker? Or is Blakely more of a snob than I thought?
Consider ending on this sort of "note:"
“Preston, this violin is currently worth 350,000 dollars - you still want me to 'fix it up?'...”
Overall, and as usual, this is well-written. I enjoyed learning more than I ever knew about violin parts and instrument makers. Thanks for entering!
Paragraph five is my favorite. Overall, the dialogue is amusing and grammatically correct.
The ending is perfect - her "poisonous glance," the "My apologies. Forget everything you just heard," and the "swirl of flapping leather" were nice touches.
I could really picture this and I am impressed that you covered so much detail and action in so few words.
One minor suggestion for this line: Unfortunately, she also had breath that could knock a rat off of a garbage scow. I kept tripping over this line and you have a few words to spare. Nice word choice with "scow" by the way - I don't see that one often.
Congratulations on receiving Firist Place in the 1/30 Daily Flash Fiction Contest!
Lovely job! I like how you reminded me of my youth...how things like guessing the correct amount of candy in a jar was extremely important.
However, you made Emmy's plight even more important. The ending is so sweet. I can hear Joan's childish voice trying to break through Emmy's shell. The short sentences at the end of the story made me feel as though I was Emmy, trying to breathe, trying to understand and accept what Joan is saying.
You do have one minor error - a period is needed at the end of the sixth paragraph.
Congratulations on winning First Place in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest!
I feel you did an excellent job with character and setting here. I do not know if the language you used was real or invented but I believe I was observing a Hawaiian native. I like that he received his answer from the sea. And it appears that he, like the oyster, is a person who filters the bad that comes into his life...as he takes garbarge from the ocean and decides to marry a woman who is pregnant with another man's child.
My only suggestion would be to make the item he found in the ocean more of a surprise for the reader. Clearly it is an unexpected gift for this "love's fool" but, well, I could see it coming. And I feel you have enough writer's craft to play around with some "twist" action.
Overall, good job - this left an impression!
Congratulations on tying for First Place in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest.
This piece is beautifully sad. The comparison of the rose to the man's heart is exquisitely done. You made me wish he would turn to the woman on the bench and give her the rose.
I am left wondering about what led up to this moment, whether these two are old lovers or simply old friends. You made me care for your characters.
For a heart-tugging epiphany, I am compelled to grant you First Place in the 6/26 Daily Flash Fiction Contest!
I am glad to see you were given an awardicon for this fantastic piece. Your words enveloped me. In fact, my b/f tried to interrupt me when I was reading this and I shooed him away.
While reading, I definitely got lost in nostalgic memories. Although I did not identify with your school's cruelness, I did identify with going through different periods of music and experiencing "moments."
What amazed me most are your vivid memories...you remember specific titles, artists, and what precisely happened when you watched another showcase her heart.
I found your vocabulary extensive and intelligently chosen. The memories, and thoughts about those memories, intertwine appropriately. And I love how you start each section similarly...you are still a weetabix-eating, "time is relative," music-loving guy.
The end says a lot because although you have not changed much, you hope the girl has taken on a new persona in her adult life. (What really is wrong with being labeled "geek" and "weirdo"? You mean to say these aren't compliments? )
I must admit to confusion in two sections. One, you state at first that the girl is playing "Radiator," and then you write that you could have told her, "Hi, I didn't know that you played the piano. Download is one of my favourite songs."
I have never heard of a song called "Download," but I am not as music savvy as you appear to be. However, I wonder: did she play more than one song? Are "Radiator" and "Download" synonymous? Or was "Download" a mistake?
Also, your ending seems to conflict with itself and I am curious as to whether this is intentional. Your story shows you growing and changing a little. The last statement concerns a "happy ending." But the italizised words do not indicate a happy world. Maybe it is simply my POV, but in a happy world thinkers and honest people would be the ones who "have the most" and who "get by."
Other than those two points, I found your writing delightful. I felt what you felt, saw what you saw. You have a gift for coloring a scene.
My Favorite Part
Now, I'm not saying that I'm the first person to ever 'feel' music, nor am I trying to say that my tastes were any more important or significant than any others; but surely at one point most people have sat back, closed their eyes and thought that a certain song was 'theirs' just for the moment? That 'moment' for me was my bus journey to school. Every day.
Ahh...at first I thought this was going to be a bit of sci-fi, what with the "no heart" line.
This was well-done. I've known women ruled by their husbands and I think you've captured this woman's abuse well.
I have one minor nitpick - I suggest a period after "Mrs" ~
My Favorite Part
As tears started to flow from eyes so tragically aged and weathered before their time, the nurse glanced back and sensitively gave me the look she gave to the rest of the grieving widows. However, this time, she was wrong. The crystal beads running down my face were not tears of grief…they were tears of relief.
I found this to be a detailed, nicely wrapped story.
Ha! You did a good job with the old lady's character.
This is well done. I like how you jump around a bit. The entire story is not about finding the robber, but showing how the woman lives, and what her character is like. I was amused by her house-leaving rituals - of course she'd have to dust first.
My favorite part:
Except I haven’t gone out of my house and I haven’t slept in my bed. I spend every night in my recliner with a baseball bat over my lap.
The ending is perfect.
Thanks for introducing me to the old woman and her world.
It is ridiculous that people do not discuss IMPORTANT subjects, like politics, more openly. I feel only through open discussion, leading to action, can our society right wrongs and produce a better Earth.
Your political folder showcases strong-minded ideas and concern for our world - and its inhabitants' actions.
I applaud your spirit.
Best to you,
Tehanu
This review is the fourth of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A"
You are definitely a poet with a highly organized mind. I like how you connect seemingly different ideas. And I think it is great how you use the environment - fused sand - to weld the A-bomb results with ensuing political idealogies. Nicely done.
Best to you,
Tehanu
This review is the third of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A"
Not only is green my favorite color, but I too am concerned by deforestation and the poisoning of our environment.
I do not know if many people have heard of Wangari Maathai, so I suggest adding a link to your work so readers can read about her AND the Green Belt Movement.
Why did you choose to have her come as a butterfly? Why not a leaf?
I really liked the highlighting you used to accentuate particular words in your poem. Because you are a singer, I think it is keen how you hade Maathai sing her response. Reminds me a bit of Disney's Pocahontas.
Well done.
Best to you,
Tehanu
This review is the second of five reviews you won through a raffle connected with the "Under 12 Months Group A"
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tehanu
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 7:16am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Kudos on writing so much and so well. 
Clearly, though, your main character feels the same way.
