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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/teguettler
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23 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When providing reviews, I tend to maintain a positive outlook. While some things may not work in a story or other writing sample, I feel it is important to identify what works well and how parts done poorly can be reworked into something better.
I'm good at...
Looking at the big picture. While portions of a story may be done with errors or awkward writing, if the story is interesting, the minor details can always be reworked into something special.
Favorite Genres
Science fiction, fantasy, action/thrillers, history, and science.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and books
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing. I did enjoy the read and was impressed with the darkness and bleakness of the subject. I found the concept appealing, although in reality I wouldn't agree with it, but in terms of a story, I found it a good read.

I thought the story flowed and paced well and I think you captured the distressing and and panic of Barton quite well. The theme also raises many questions about the background. Did he do the crime, or is he innocent as his proclaims? I do like the unknown variable with that question, and adds a bit of mystery and intrigue to the story.

Just a couple of technical notes. I would think the formatting could have more white space between the paragraphs. When on the screen, or printed out, it comes across as more of large block of text versus a airy and more comfortable reading experience.

I do appreciate the senses you added into the story. The sound of the footsteps, the stagnate air, or the lack of an ability to taste food comes to mind. I didn't get a great feel for the setting though. It's a short story for sure, and I know it takes place in a prison, but wonder if it could be focused on a bit more throughout the story. It could help give a visual to partner with some of the senses you had in the story. Just my opinion.

You did well, and it left an impression after reading. Very dark and bleak, but that goes along with the story very nicely.
2
2
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the fast start of this story. It pulls the reader in immediately, and causes the reader to ask questions. Who is Cairn Mazel? What is he escaping from? What led up to these events? Questions such as these generally pull a reader further into the story, and can lead to becoming a good page turner.

Some of the writing was slightly awkward and passive in some areas. For example:

“The sight gave him a burst of hope, spurring him on faster.” - I would recommend showing how the sight spurred him on. So as Mazel rounds the corner, possibly describe how his muscles ached as he sprinted harder towards his ship, now in sight.

Or, “Even if the hunters had decided against cutting through the doors…” – I recommend dropping “had” entirely. It’s a small thing, but makes it read more active.

“He fired the ship’s engines, taking solace in their strong, steady thrum.” – I would make an effort to show how he took solace with the starting of the engines. Something like showing him visibly relaxing when the engines fired and he thought he escaped. Maybe relaxing into his chair, closing his eyes as his breathing returned to normal, while he listening to the engines.

One last one, “In a panic, Mazel primed the ship’s dorsal gun turret.” - I would recommend showing his panic. Perhaps he forgets the procedure for a second or two, or his actions are too quick, and he gets a sequence out of order. It’s easy to say he panics, but if imply it through his reckless or forgetful actions because of the sudden tension of a change, it may carry more weight. I think all readers can identify with the moment of terror or panic when they forget something quite obvious.

I do like the story, and it has a lot working for it. I understand a chapter does not a story make, and to read one by itself may not always provide the full story. Many parts of this chapter do not contain full information about the characters, but are usually built up in following chapters. So I cannot really make any recommendations on that part.

One final recommendation or thought on my part. I always like the opening of a story to focus on the primary character, the protagonist. I was operating under the assumption that this was Mazel, but when I glanced at the next two chapters you posted, it really seems to be Jesse Forster as the protagonist. Have you thought about rewriting this scene from his point of view? Unless I’m wrong as who will be the protagonist, getting to know this character at the very start would probably be better. However, this is your story, and this is only a chapter within a larger entity. These are just a few thoughts on my part. Good luck with the novel and wish you success.
3
3
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing your story. I found it to be intriguing and caught my interest. It passed my first test for any story. When I read a sample, or chapter, I like to end it with questions of what happens next. I find myself wondering how the parents will react to the tragic events in the story. I wonder what the impact will be for the Cas and the protagonist (I cannot seem to remember his name or if it was mentioned). Will this be a story that will transcend time, so will the young boy grow up and come across Royce at a later stage in life? Any time I wonder and have questions, that is a sign of something I found interesting.

I did make a few observations. Foremost, granted this is a first chapter of a larger story, but I wonder if the story should have left out some of the introduction. I like stories, and this is just my preference, to start doing something early, and then mix in some back story piece by piece. The first couple of pages throws a lot of background to the reader, that for this piece, may not entirely fit in. I really started to get real interested when the three children began to make their way to the pond or lake. Maybe getting action going, and interjecting a mention about the parents and some back story here and there. Some items may even be edited out

I do see you started to have some senses incorporated into the story. There are obvious descriptions, but you began to work in senses of smell: "It smelled different." That is a good start, but smelled different may not be something people can identify. Perhaps that can read as something that would be abnormal, but people may have a memory of something. The smell of decay from a dead animal, stagnant air, or something like that could be an option. You had a step in the right direction, and probably should stimulate other senses. This is a bit cliche, but when the ghost, I assume it was a ghost or apparition, in the movies temperature drops are common. Perhaps you could have something happen that chills her to the bone, or causes his hair to stand up or skin to crawl. This would create a more significant impact on his encounter.

There are the standard grammar mistakes or the misplaced apostrophe or dropped letter here and there. Nothing further proofing would take care of. I do remember a couple of "It is" examples in there. I do also make that mistake. Mixing formal and informal. The start has a few real long sentences that may benefit from shorter, varying lengths. Some minor word repetition, for example: "In youth we can all identify what we are meant for in our lives if we pay close enough attention to the signs we are given along the way." 'We' is repeated four times, ironically enough, it was the first sentence of the story. :) Also, "I knew I loved our mother as much as I loved peace" may be a little awkward. Maybe something like, "I loved our mother as much as a pacifist loves peace." The love of peace can vary by individual, and the reader may not know the protagonist's mind. For someone bend on revenge, peace may not be given much thought. Someone who is happy and in love, maybe their love of peace is quite high.

I would recommend restructuring the story just a bit. Perhaps starting off with the children beginning their trek into the woods. Intermix some back-story here and there. Now, if the parents relationship is paramount for the story success, then you may need to have this as one of the early components of the story. I'm not sure your intentions for the rest of the story, so I can only go on what I see before me.

I would like to see this story continued as I do feel it has many things working for it. The intrigue and the questions it piques are all good signs of a story. As with many stories out there, including my own, it would benefit from some further revision and perhaps a little restructuring.
4
4
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing your story. I did enjoy it, and will be sure to back track to look at the previous chapters. I think you captured the uncomfortable atmosphere of the jungle. The bugs, my God the bugs (I grew up in Florida, which not as tropical, it was tropical enough for monstrous bugs and snakes)! I think if I had read the previous chapters, the flow would have been a little easier on me. From a lack of previous exposure to the story, it did have an easy read and was quite interesting. Perhaps there are a few grammar mistakes, that may need to be ironed out. There is an adverb or two that probably should be rewritten. For example:

"With only fifteen minutes left until they needed to leave, she gobbled up breakfast fervently." - You probably could drop off fervently entirely.

“Dutifully,” she answered truthfully. - Adverbs as part of dialog is just fine, but again, in this case, I would leave off truthfully. Better yet, write it where she answers the question, but what does she do with your body language to reassure Tony she she is being honest and sincere.

The part about the tarantula, I think it may be better to have it inside so really showcase the exotic environment. Or perhaps when she realizes it's on the outside of the tent, maybe for a bit of comic relief, she could slap the end of the tent sending it flying into the bushes. This is very minor, but maybe something to think about.

There are a couple of awkward lines. For example:

"The sun had risen only an hour ago" - This seems passive. I would phase it something like "The sunrise was an hour ago, and the temperature was already unbearable..."

"She froze as she honed in on the sound before hunting it down." - I would eliminate "as she" and could see it as "She froze and honed in on the sound..."

I loved the reference to the Nazca Lines, and remember studying them while taking a few anthropology classes. This has no bearing on the story or review, but I do appreciate real life references. I thought the conclusion to the chapter was well done. Ellie has gone from jumpy and too worried about appearances to growing into someone who wants to learn and grow.

With some minor tweaks for a couple of awkward areas, and eliminating the adverbs to the best of your ability (without negative impact to the integrity of your story), and the mandatory grammar cleanup (don't worry, that is my weakness and feel a little self conscious trying to correct people in this area), the story is well done. The final measurement of a good story is the reading being captured in the story and wanting to know what will happen. Some areas may be rough around the edges, but in this example, in spite of some necessary tweaks, I do find myself wondering what happens. This is a good story and hope you keep refining it.
5
5
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like how the story has progressed following your first two chapters. They do appear a bit more polished than the first chapter, but I have noticed portions in the dialog that are a bit formal. For example, "You are very welcome" or "and I am sure he will return the favor". I have a problem with my writing in the sense that I have much more experience with formal writing, that over recent memory have taken up writing fiction, I will stick in the formal style in my dialog without really noticing it. In these examples, a more natural dialog would be "you're welcome", or "I'm sure he will return the favor". Now, this is a moot point if the culture of these monks in the story are more formal in their speaking. I know formal speaking can be a cultural trait, or in some cases when the language is not native to an individual. Just something to keep in mind.

The story is moving at a good pace and I like how Pricion and Mempo were promoted. It was something unexpected by me and obviously the characters, but the way they discovered this was well done and original.
6
6
Review by Teguettler Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
For me the most important part of a story is whether or not I wish to keep on reading. Does the material at the end make me curious to know what happens. In this story, I find myself wondering who the prisoner is and what she did. Will Pricion, Foss, and Mempo be able to succeed in their mission? These are the questions I found myself asking and look forward to reading more.

Some of the wording and phrasing can be streamlined. For example: "As the winds ran their course from the mountains in the East that have no real name, they pass over the Salt Lake, taking in the scent of the sea that was so far off." Maybe it can read "...from the nameless mountings in the east", and possibly the scent could read something like "...sea scented winds ran their course...". Just a couple of suggestions on my part, but by no means should be considered law.

Another example that stood out was "I will be a Warrior one day, and more, should the guardians allow me to." I would probably end the sentence immediately after 'day'. Simply stating that "I will be a warrior one day" implies that Pricion will be a warrier and nothing will deter him.

All in all, I think it was well done. I spotted a couple of spelling mistakes and the story overall probably can be refined slightly more, but I did appreciate the sense of frustration at not being able to train or the resentment of being talked down to because they are 'neophytes' and not deserving of respect or good treatment. The dialog seems natural and easy to read.

Does it pass test of if I wonder what happens next? Yes it does.
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