What a delicate piece this is - and what a delicate topic. Your prose has handled it well and successfully gotten across your thoughts and feelings for your sister and dad.
A few thoughts:
I like the you start and end with hate. It unifies the piece.
In line six, I'm torn between liking and not like your double use of the word "over". In either case, I think it needs to be hyphenated with the word that follows. I'm unsure of using it twice in one line, however, although it does create emphasis.
I like this line: "Erase it all away, remove
her from the day to day." It's poetic form sits well in the sotry.
What I wish for is even more - where is father now, will he see these thoughts, how is she releasing herself?
What a terrifically written and heartfelt piece of literature. I can truly identify - I was the guardian to one of my uncles for several years before he died because of the life drinking created for him - and I now deal with similar issues with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law, and can see it affecting our family every single day.
I appreciate your courage in composing and posting this piece. Write on!
Definitely was suprised by the ending - I was expecting a triumph by Sarah, but engaging story nonetheless! Good luck with the contest - you've written well!
Two pieces of advice, and this is strictly from an editorial standpoint, as your storyline is flawless:
1. The word "but" rarely needs to be followed with a comma, and almost never when it, itself, follows a semi-colon.
2. "Well, look who we’ve got?" This would be better stated as a statement instead of a question - he's not asking or querying or polling, but exclaiming over his find.
Sorry - I was born with red pen in hand, and love to critique works - too bad I'm not as good at editing my own work!!
When I read this haiku, I can absolutely picture both the scene and the emotion I think you are trying to convey. First the lusciousness of the rose - the twinkling vase - but then taking it back to the beginning and tying the word tearful in with the fact that it's a cut, and therefore no long live, rose. I love it!
Bravo! You've tackled a subject not many do - and handled it terrifically! Your arguments are well mounted and logical - and you attack the issue at hand both logically and thoroughly. Your vocabulary is great - appropriate to the subject at hand. All-in-all - great work! I will share it with others!
Hi, there! First, let me tell you that I enjoyed your story. Captivating! I just have a few specific areas I want to provide feedback.
First, this sentence: "Jonathan used to grow nauseous as Bobby would listen eagerly as his father regurgitated the same stories week after week during the season." Too many thoughts in one sentence, it seems...the sentence is awkward. I would reword it, perhaps, to: "It made Jonathan nauseous to see Bobby listening so eagerly as their father regurgitated the same stories week after week throughout football season."
Next: "Jonathan sat on the couch watching his father, whose large body suffocated the easy chair." I'm not sure suffocated was the word you were looking for. I might say "overwhelmed". "Suffocated" gives the chair a humanistic quality that's not consistent with your story.
Your use of dialogue is terrific! Overall, a great story - thanks for sharing it here!
Your writing style is terrific - it is apparent that you gave great care to your grammar, your word choice, and your punctuation. Terrific - there are many here who can learn from your terrific grammar. However, your story does come off as biased. I find it almost ironic that in a society where many celebrate rags to riches lives, the idea can be presented that the only thing separating the poor from, apparently, the rest of society, is luck. Luck is not an occurance - it is a work. Human beings, because of the ability to reason, create their own luck. While we certainly have an obligation to one another to look out for our fellow man, we also have the responsibility to not make excuses for downfalls, but rather encourage greater works and greater efforts. I applaud you for tackling this subject, but I caution you to take a broader look at the topic as a whole. Write on!
Hi, Dookie! So far, I love where the plot of your book is going. You've given a lead-in for a very compelling story, and I find myself dying to see chapter two. I've rated you as a 3.5, however, instead of a 5.0, because your work does need some sprucing up. In a few places, you need some help with punctuation, grammar and word choice. If you ever need any help with editing (it's hard to edit one's own work), give me a hollar, because I love editing the work of others almost as much as I love writing, and I'd love to help.
Keep up the good work - I can't wait to see chapter 2!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/teala
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 10:29am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
