Overall I -really- like this! Job well done. I love your characters.
You do have to watch for cliche's though, you seem to have many.
Also a few typos/errors:
"Knee high boots made of leather clinch my chins" Should be shins.
"He frowns. “That’s not…I wasn’t…” he clears his throat and starts over. When he speaks, his words are slow and practiced. “I was just wondering what it feels like to have your entire like planned out for you…and to have no say about it.”" Should be entire life, not entire like.
"“In a way?” I say. I’m not sure how to respond, not sure how to even begin summing up the feeling. It’s not like I have to be honest. I could lied, could tell him it’s actually pretty fun. But I don’t. “It’s like losing everything you’ve ever dreamed of…everything you thought you could do,” I tell him. “Like losing yourself.”" Should be lie, not lied
"Farwell,” he murmurs" Should be farewell.
"He points at me with a manicured finger and I walk step forward obediently." Should be either walk or step, not both.
"His hand reaches up and he strokes me hair, fingering chestnut strands." Should be my not me
I like your descriptions of everything. I can really picture this world and it's creatures.
The only thing I would say is that I didn't like Jokhab. He didn't have any redeeming qualities so I didn't feel bad at all when he turned to Fell. I also don't understand the point of him in this section. I get your building the coming and aftermath of the Fell, but if Jokhab was just going to turn/die right away, why go into such detail with him? I don't think he should be the POV character for this section.
I would likely continue reading more of this, just to see where it goes, but you haven't introduced a protagonist yet, so it is hard to relate to as a reader.
This was fantastic! You really built up the characters in such a short space of time. I really like Jessie and Shannon has such personality.
VERY good descriptions. You made this all very easy to imagine.
I think you did a great job with the atmosphere of this piece. It was definitely creepy!
This "Shannon came over and placed her furry black head against Jessies tear streaked face. " should be "Shannon came over and placed her furry black head against Jessie's tear streaked face. "
The ending was well done, it adds to the creepy factor.
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