Whether its the office, a social setting or on the bridge of the star ship Lollipop there's always some smart bastard who likes to make ones life more difficult. I suggest adding even more cliches, go the whole hog, the sky's the limit when you are in outer space
Ordinary
Text speak is for text messages but quite apart from that the grammar and use of descriptive is nonsensical
But I could be wrong, others may think you are a genius, a poet of your generation, culture and time
Regards
Thank you for the explanation of Rispetto. It is a style that could lend itself to humour. Actually your use of 'warble' gives it a comedic edge, though that may be my misinterpretation
Regards Jhon
Hi
Plenty of angst and many have been there. I feel that the difficulty with expressing such an experience is to make it unique. Up the ante
I'm sure you will get over it and probably do it again, at least twice
Regards Jhon
Hello
Good to aim at the American market, there's riches if you crack it. It's not my style so it's hard to rate. It all sounds very Wild West, perhaps go further with the cliches, make it so rootin tootin that the reader wants to shout yee ha and fire a few shots into the air
All the best Pardner
Hi cicada, yyr to not repeat words in the same sentence or paragraph if you can. the descriptives are pretty much stock standard and somewhat awkward.
Perhaps also you are writing as you speak, hence so tan and so lean
Sorry to be so hard
cheers jhon .
Hi SWpoet, what makes a poem. I think it has to be more than putting eight lines of varying length together and calling it a verse. The uneven number of words, from one verse to the next affects the flow.
Philosophically the poem raises questions, which is a good thing.
Being an American writer it is usually expected there will be an emphasis on religion and God. as your readers probably are also believers it will appeal.
Hope to of been of some assistance
jhon
the first sentence is the most important, it is the first impression of your writing skills, both imagination and word craft are on display. the reader asks, will I continue.
Once a man had great questions that weighed on his mind for what seemed like a lifetime, Why am I here, what is the secret of happiness, and, what is the meaning of life? These were but a few of his questions. Every day he yearned to find the answers.
The great questions had weighed on his mind for what seemed a lifetime, why am I here, what is the secret of happiness and what is the meaning of life. Every day he yearned to find the answers.
It may seem pedantic of me but brevity adds punch. Go back and eliminate every superfluous word, make every sentence important, don't repeat the same word in a sentence or even a paragraph. “They were a big help with finding them. The answers have always been within me. I only didn’t know how to find them. I don’t know what the future holds for you, me or us. But, I do know we can create a future that is more desirable than our past. Are you willing to create that future with me now?” Three futures in one sentence is lazy, use a thesaurus and you will be amazed by the improvement
Apart from the editing issues the number of words as a ratio to interest is high. The philosophical aspect is interesting but generally the tale didn't grab me
Hope to have been of some assistance
have a nice day, jhon
Some very good lines, a strong start sadly however there are cliches and some very ordinary lines that detract. The first two stanzas have weight but after furor (if it is a word, I like it) you seem to struggle. 'The silence was deafening', come on. 'Vanities looked like vain' is a clanger. Too much crying but the end is ok.
make every line count, cheers jhon
Fairly ho hum, a simply written story that could have been given greater impact. Stories of personal experience need to be special, otherwise they can border on tedious. Try a bit harder, raise the bar.
Dear Robert
A hint of the Big Lebowski. You painted a vivid picture of the late night, near empty bar. I like your scant dialogue, sharp and to the point. Why Dave offered to pay is a mystery but thats ok. I assume the bill was high and the tip was a set percentage of the amount. In Australia we rarely tip as there are basic wage awards to ensure a fair pay structure for low income workers(excuse my boring diatribe) Readers who are not star Wars fans(they exist, I am one) wil pigeon hole you as a Star Wars fan. Who is Hello Kitty.
Overall it is really good, I dont have a clue about marketing or publishing.
All the best Jhon
The barmaid/barman at the local is usually very helpful, also try to avoid country and western music as it accentuates the maudlin. Structurally The The The What What What and Who Who Who is a bit repetitious
did you tell her you donated your wages to the Freedom from Hunger campaign and she would have to pay the fare. No end of possibilities, quite droll, liked it, cheers
As this chapter hasnt been reviewed I thought I'd have a go
First paragraph, 'and she fought all the harder', is an add on. without going any further I guessed an edit is in order.
You have a fine imagination and describe quite well, however I don't feel there is enough weight to hold the reader through such volume of text .
Zoe I hope i have been of some assistance
jhon
'Civilization, not just in the US and the West, but as a whole', written like a true American and of course there is The Lord, where would any intelligent discourse be without a reference to the Good Book, Helevictus, Corinthians and the rest of them. The birthday list coupled with a reading by Alan Ginsberg was irrefutable proof of your credentials. Well done
ps, is Australia included in the Great Civilization, God I hope so
Four points for entertainment value
An International cyber crash would be a wonderful thing. You have the makings of a great poem. A strong start that is enhanced by a solid rythmn. The change in line length and effort to rhyme coupled with the unmasking of evil and subsequent victory of righteous triumph could be improved
It rhymes and there is lots of love happening but beyond that, this poem is not one out of the box. Though it may have been written with heart feIt gut wrenching intensity, the overall result is ordinary.
I dont want to get into dissection of each line but fair dinkum, those first two lines are cringeworthy
Five star average, fair crack of the whip
I gather she was pushing the bicycle, does that mean it was hilly.
Faraway eyes is the only stand alone line, why.
In, on its own seems awkward
An assumption that she was looking for a man.
Overall it comes across as a light weight observation of a woman with nice footwear
The personification of the caboose is quite country and western, pain, suffering and takin nuthin. An interesting interpretation that equates the last carriage to a less than fortunate female, there could be a song in it.
difficult to review but not bad at all.
It is a tough ask to expect anyone to finish ity. Too much dialogue and needy people. The idea is ok but it degenerates to dreary, days of Our Lives stuff. You need to spice it up. Five thousand words should ccontain more.
The characters need to engage the reader
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