Hi Tom, I have to say I liked your story. It was great for Halloween, and I could see it being a TV special around this time of year.
I do think time could be transitioned a little less jarringly. At the birthday party, Kevin tells Johnny they have one hour and twenty minutes. Then suddenly, there are forty minutes left. I'm not sure what you could put in between to make the transition less jarring.
Overall, though, this story is an awesome Halloween story! I enjoyed it a lot.
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