"Come on. I want to show you something."
Nate led Kelly by the hand through the woods behind their suburb. The two of them had disappeared into these woods often, anytime they needed to get away from their respective families. They were dating, but they were also best friends, confident that they could tell one another anything, and that the other person would always be supportive.(In general please consider reconstructing sentences, for example paragraph 1, so that they are not run on or too long.)
When Nate got accepted to Stanford on a full-ride scholarship, Kelly was the first one he told. When he made the varsity football team, he and Kelly went out to celebrate. Even before they started officially dating,(please consider “…Even before they officially started dating…easier to read) they would confide in one another. Nate was the first person Kelly ever told about her abusive father.
Even though they had been into the woods hundreds of times, Kelly had no doubt that Nate had found something new to show her. He was like that; curiosity always prompting him to explore something or somewhere new. That sense of adventure is what she loved most about him. (Please consider “…His sense of adventure rather then because That at the beginning of a sentence makes it a run on I believe. Either or it makes it easier to read.)
"Where are we going?" Kelly asked, as he led them deeper into the woods.
"It's a surprise," he said, somewhat dispassionately.
He had been acting a little strange all day. (Please consider removing “…a little…”)One of the things Kelly loved about him was the fire in his eyes, the enthusiasm for whatever he did. He didn't seem to have that today. Today he seemed almost... disconnected.(Consider removing “…almost…”)
"Is everything all right?" She asked.(“…right? She asked.)
"Yeah," he replied. "Just think I'm coming down with something."
Before long, they arrived at a cave, deep in the woods. He ushered her inside, turning on a small flashlight that he had brought with him. As they made their way into the cave, the blue-white light reflecting off the walls, slick with dripping water. (“…the blue-white light reflected off the walls, slick with dripping water…”)The man-sized cave entrance and narrow passageway belied the true size of this cavern. Soon they emerged into an enormous room, so large that the light of his flashlight couldn't reach the ceiling or far walls. (“…into a room so large that the light from his flashlight didn’t)Nate kept it(the light) on the ground in front of them as he took her further underground.
Something scuttled by them in the dark. A shriek died in Kelly's throat.
"Nate, I'm starting to get scared. Please..."
"We're almost there," he replied. "Just a little farther."
Despite her fear, she followed him as they continued their descent.(unnecessary comma)
Then, just when Kelly thought they couldn't possibly go any farther underground; just when she was about ready to tell Nate that she wanted to go home; she saw a faint purplish light pulsating from the far end of the cave.
Nate turned to her, his smile half-obscured in darkness. (“…with a smile that was half obscured in the darkness…)
"This is it," he said, the excitement returning to his voice. Or was it eagerness?
She followed him as he slowly approached the light. It was coming from behind a tall group of stalagmites on the floor of the cave. As they moved around and into view of the source of the light, Kelly gasped.
They looked like the pods in those cheesy old sci-fi movies. Each pod had two compartments, one open and one closed. Each compartment of the pod was about the size of a coffin and [was ]filled with a glowing ooze that gave off the purple glow they saw. Kelly was creeped out, but couldn't help leaning forward to get a better looked.
She recoiled when she realized the closed compartment in each pod had a body in it.
"Look closer," Nate encouraged.
Peering into one of the pods, she saw a middle-aged man. He looked like he was asleep, cocooned inside the pod compartment. (remove, not needed)Beside him,(remove comma “…him was a pod that) another pod had a young girl in it.
"What the hell is this, Nate?"
"Now look at this one," Nate said, ignoring her question.
Kelly looked at the pod he was pointing to, noticing the strange humanoid inside. It was human, only in the most basic sense: a head, two arms, two legs and a torso. It was naked, but there were no genitals, no muscle definition, and most disturbingly, no face. It looked like a dummy.
Then she looked at the pod next to it and screamed.
Nate was inside.
She scrambled back away from the pods... and into Nate.
"Wh-What's going on?" She panicked.(she panicked)
"It's okay, Kelly. Everything's going to be okay."
He helped Kelly to her feet then, with a gentle yet firm push, shoved her back. She stumbled, then tripped over something and, with horror, realized she was falling into one of the open pods.(Easier to simply state that she fell in. )
She screamed as she landed in the goo, feeling herself slowly sink into it. She tried to fight her way out, but it was like quicksand, drawing her deeper and deeper into it. The last thing she remembered before going under the surface was Nate looking at her with his head cocked to one side, curiously watching her disappear.
Once Kelly was completely immersed in the gel, she realized the pod cover was closing over her. She pushed against the membranous-like film, but it was too strong.
She was trapped.
Looking at the clear membrane separating her compartment from its twin, she saw one of the blank humanoids. Then, to her horror, it began to move around, writhing in its own gel. She completely forgot about trying to breathe, instead watching in shock as the humanoid began to change shape.
Curly brown hair sprouted from its head. A nose, eyes and a mouth slowly gained definition. Large breasts formed on its chest, and its body began to take the shape of a beautiful, naked young woman. But not just any woman... Kelly screamed as the transformation finished and she looked at herself in the neighboring pod.
The last thing she remembered before losing consciousness was Nate helping her double out of its compartment in the pod. Then everything went black.
Nate helped the new Kelly out of her pod, and then took over his jacket, chivalrously covering her naked, gooey body with it. Kelly looked over at him and smiled.
"Who next?"(could be part of the story but “…who’s…”)
He grinned back at her. "Our parents. They can go to their offices and begin there while we handle the school."
"It won't be long now."
"No, it won't. The human race's time is up."
Kelly and Nate started back toward the surface, leaving behind them all the pods behind the outcropping... and the hundreds of thousands that were waiting further inside the cave's depths.
NOT BAD.
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