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Review of Remembrance Day  Open in new Window.
Review by oscines Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Katie-lyn,

This is a beautiful poem. The simple rhyme works really well; it reads like a ballad.

First stanza is my favourite, hooks from the start.

A few suggestions:

- Personally I would add punctuation throughout, as I think it would make a ballad ring much better. Lack of punctuation distracts. (I am reminded of Rosetti's "Cousin Kate" - http://www.poetryconnection.net/poets/Christina_Ro... - one of my favourite poems - she uses the same simple rhyme scheme... I think punctuation adds to the flow in that poem)

-Just a little further
As we looked into the sun
But out of nowhere shots began
Here the 'as' and the 'but' don't make sense together...need to have one or the other

-Green and brown blent our disguise
Is blent is a word? Do you mean blended?

-They smelt of must and flies
I think you can smell musty, but not smell of must...

-But most terrifying of all
Was the look held in their eyes
Beautiful. Very evocative.

-None were free and famed
I dont understand

-As they watched the replacements pass
Any way you could make it shorter? Few too many syllables...

-And read a story of war
I would write 'tale' of war, as the syllables fit better when you hear it spoken out!

-Their gallant pride galore
Not sure galore is used in the right sense here...

Overall, it is very touching. :) Thanks for a lovely read.

Cheers
Tanya


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