You are a wonderful storyteller. This was a very touching story. There were a few spelling mistakes, which I'm sure you will spot as they were probably typos.
I can't really fault this story in any other way. It has a fairy tale feel about it with a wonderful message. It should be right there with the classics like Hansel and Gretel, Cinderella and Red Riding Hood.
This story has an Oscar Wilde feel about it. It reminds me of the Happy Prince. Not in content of course but the style is certainly similar.
There seem to be two messages that I can make out. The first is that forcing someone to do something won't work. This seems to be advocating democracy over dictatorships. The second is that society's happy outward face hides many inward sorrows. People feel the need to show others that they are leading a happy life whereas in reality they are far from happy.
I like this piece. It tackles a serious topic in a fairy tale like fashion without losing any of the message.
I think this is a really good start to what I think will be a much longer piece of writing. I like the description of the surrounding area and the church. Personally I thought there was too much blood in the child birth scene but clearly you are less squeamish than me.
I did wonder about the witches curse. She said his children would be crippled, but from what you have written it seems that the newborn child is perfect except for a green eye. I'm not sure I would call that crippled. From the name of your story. I'm assuming this is the dragon eye. From what we traditionally know about dragons my guess is that it will be magical in some way. There may be more right with it than wrong perhaps.
I wonder if Tommy Thompson will right his wrong. Does he reappear in the story or will it now map the life of Dragoneye? You will probably need some kind of magic to bring the witches daughter back to life. Perhaps Dragoneye will supply it.
Might I suggest a rethink about the curse. Could it be that the witches daughter fell in love with Tommy. She dreaded the moment that Tommy would see her in her real form, but she was ready to accept the consequences. Before he killed her, the witches daughter reaffirmed her love for him and, knowing that her mother would take some kind of revenge cast a protective spell on him. The witches curse was not completely repelled but it did mean that Dragoneye will not be crippled and will be good rather than bad.
Although I liked this piece, I think it could be much better. Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions.
Your introduction to this story mentions a close bond blossoming between two women. I think this should be the focus of this story and you need to concentrate on exactly how this bond blossoms. You say "we had become close" but you need to show how this happened. Writing about the process would have made a more interesting piece of writing. I think you should have more conversation between the two women during which something clicks between the two and we actually see the blossoming happening. Intersperse the conversation with all the other things you have written about and I think it will make a more striking and emotional piece.
Another think that you may want to consider is what effect the patients death has on the nurse. Remember that a very close bond has been formed. Death has brutally wrenched this apart. Was the nurse devastated, heartbroken or just mildly upset? Use your words to create a picture of her inner turmoil.
Your title talks about roses with thorns. It's clear this is about forming friendships and then losing them, but you must bring this out more fully in your story.
They do say that opposites are important. To appreciate the day you must experience the night. To understand happiness you must have felt sadness. Your poem expresses the same emotions, and so well!
The image you create is so clear in my mind that I feel the discomfort of walking through blinding rain. And although the poem does not flow as well as some I have read, even that seems a good think when I consider the fact that discomfort does not flow well at all.
The relief of getting out of the rain is palpable. My favourite verse from the Quran comes to mind "For after hardship cometh ease, after hardship cometh ease".
I really enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for sharing it with me.
I found this poem interesting. I liked the reference to Pavlov's dog. He was used in conditioning experiments and that ties in with our own conditioning by religion where we are conditioned to believe that suicide is a sin. Was this connection conscious?
Then there is reference to God but of course the speaker uses lowercase (god) perhaps because this is a god that makes mistakes, an attribute not normally associated with God (uppercase).
I like the exchange of fear for pain and the fact that you describe it as a fair trade.
Sanguine is a great word. Perfectly used in this poem where it helps to paint a picture of a cheerful, perfect world with a base of blood.
Now we get to the heart of the problem, a girl, which results in a dead heart. A universal problem. The conclusion here is that if the heart is dead then there is no point in the rest of the body remaining alive. Not sure about this bit but then if someone is suicidal then I suppose he or she will think like this.
I'm also not too sure about the last verse. Where you start with 'if' and then continue with the sentence, it does not seem to come to completion. If this happens then something else should happen. (grammar problem here) or did the blood drain away before s/he could complete the sentence.
The other mistake I spotted was in the final line. It should be 'tears them apart' rather than' tares them apart'.
From the rhyming angle the second verse doesn't rhyme in the same way as the other verses. Is that intentional?
On the whole this is a dark poem where the speaker is hopeful of a better world after death. So in the mind of the speaker there is a ray of sunshine in all this darkness. It is almost as though s/he is trying hard to justify his/her actions no matter how 'sick' others may feel they are.
This was a poem that had a lot of ideas to express. I really enjoyed reading it.
A beautiful poem that warms the heart and soul. Lovely, warm descriptions of the people you loved. Full of life even though they have passed away.
I especially like the first verse with its reference to water washing over your soul. Emotions are so like water and I use a lot of water metaphor and similes too.
There is no faulting the emotions that tenderly shine through in each verse.
The only minor faults that I can comment on are in the third, fourth and last verses. The rhyme comes in the last word of the second and fourth line in the other verses but not in the 3rd, 4th and final ones. If you were to do a little tweaking this would match the beauty of your poem.
I loved it.
Moon
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