I like this poem but it could be better. Before I really get into it, remember I am just some dude giving a review... don't take anything I say as anything more than an honest suggestion about ways to make this better.
You harness some real anger here and that comes through loud and clear. That's the best part about this poem is that it is angry and it doesn't' apologize for being angry. It's like a kick in the teeth and it should be. The problem is that there isn't any grace to this anger.
Poetry is about grace, about art. Anger can be graceful and so artistic that it will bring you to your knees as you weep. Check out Do not go gentle into the night by Dylan Thomas fro an example. I get you want to express the anger, but if you did it with grace... this poem would be even more powerful.
This is from your poem...
Know that no matter how long it takes,
I will fight to clear the names you’ve ruined;
reuniting the families that you have shattered
in your quest to be the best, no matter how wrong.
You have something good here but play with it a bit... try something like
No Mattter, I will fight
clear the ruined names
bring wrong back to right...
don't use that exactly but look at it as a guide to help you play around a bit with the words...
I like it... It was interesting to read. Two problems. This story is way to short. I really wanted to see more. I want to know more. You hooked but then you chop it off. I get that was probably what you intended to do but still, I think you got something good here.
Second,
“Snapped in, cross-hairs on that bad boy’s nose or so and guess what? Time stopped…Then it gets weird. It ain’t 2006 it’s now 21 May 1988 and I ain’t 38, 39 years old at the time…Now I’m 21. I’m not a hunter but a soldier in somebody else’s country. I’m looking down the scope of a rifle and I don’t see a deer…I see another soldier. And at 8:56 I make a decision and …”
I get confused here... is he still talking to the meeting or is he having a flash back or what? I think this needs to be cleared up a bit. It's important to understanding the character and deserves a bit more information and for that information to be clear.
I like this poem. I think you put something into perspective that is a real issue in this day and age. Good job. However, from a poetry perspective you block it up to much. This poem feels very confined and needs some breathing room. An example:
Phone calls and email scams:
Here’s your chance to get rich.
In me just trust, you sirs and ma’ams.
This reads really block like. Maybe that's what you were going for but you might want to try something like
Phone calls,
promises,
email scams
Get rich quick
Trust me sir
or is it ma'am?
Not trying to rewrite this poem for you or anything, just giving my thoughts. Remember I am just some guy giving an opinion. If you like it, then it's good :)
I like what your doing here. However, I think you clutter it up to much. You smash it together and it disrupts what would otherwise be a real nice flow. An example:
I always like to keep a notebook with me, a paper and a pen,
to quickly snatch some of what is going in my head.
This is to smashed together. There are a lot of thoughts here. While I think that was what you were going for, it doesn't lend well to bringing me into the world you are creating. Try something like...
I always keep a notebook
paper and pen
quickly snatching
what is in my head
play with the structure a bit and play with your word choices. I like to grab a thesaurus and see what other words I can use to make the poem more vivid.
I want to see what you do with this because I think it has some real potential.
Keep in mind that I am just some guy giving his two cents. Write for you, not for me. Just figured I would give you my thoughts.
I want to like this poem and I think I do. The problem I see with it is that it's jumbled and doesn't really give me a clear idea of what your trying to say. I also think you need to break up the first two stanzas a bit more and play a bit with your words... An example:
What is light,if there were nothing to be shone by it,
these objects of bright a reminder of it's materialistic glory;
Break this up a bit, it reads a bit to much like a run on sentence. Yes, this is poetry and sentence structure isn't a thing but a poem should still read smoothly. Kill the semi colon it serves no purpose here and detracts from the words themselves. I would also kill the commas and use them as a spot to start a new stanza like this...
What is light
if there were nothing to be shone
object of bright
reminding of materialistic glory
I hope that makes sense. Remember that I am just some dude giving you an opinion. This is your work and if your happy with it, don't listen to me. Overall I like the poem but I think it needs a little work.
I like it. I always enjoy when people simply write what's going on inside them and don't worry about the rules. You do that here and it's good. I think your starting something interesting that could become something really impressive.
The problem is your only starting something. The work feels incomplete. Short is good, but this is to short. You get me hooked but then you leave me dangling. While that may be the purpose here, I think that there needs to be a bit more here. I want something that makes me hold onto the piece, makes me want to come back and read it.
You have something here, just seems there could be more.
My first impression is that this poem tells a story. A sad one yes, but a story all the same. I like it overall. I do wonder if you meant it to read as rough as it does though? It's okay for a poem to be this way, specially given the subject matter. I personally think the roughness of the poem only breathes more life into the grief you are feeling.
As for some criticism. I don't have much other than a couple of word choices...
September.
Every year you come
And take a lot more away.
I don't think you need And here or the period. the and is unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the poem and takes a little away. The period isn't needed because your not done with this so why use it? Give that some thought.
they were love
of my life and true.
Kill the of, it breaks up the flow really bad here. Also another period that isn't needed and doesn't do anything.
You have a couple more periods. I would get rid of them.
Overall it's a solid piece of work. Take a look at the suggestions I made. If they fit great, if not, no problem.
I'm not sure I like this poem. I think the effort is good, and I think that my personal rule of no such thing as a bad poem still rings true, but this is rough.
I didn't get a clear idea of what you were trying to say here. I didn't feel like there was a complete message here or a story of any kind. It kind of feels like you forced some of the rhymes. Also your tempo is off.
I think you have something here, I think this could be really good. You use descriptive phrases and you evoke interesting imagery. However, If feel a bit like I am looking at an incomplete tapestry on a wall.
Poetry is one of those things tough to be objective on as a reviewer so I am taking that into consideration on my rating, but overall I think this could have been better. I hope that the next person comes along and sees it as a great piece of work. I wish I did. You have something here, I just wish I knew what it was... keep going. I would work on this one a bit. You have some very strong imagery. Let that guide you.
This made me smile. It also made me think if times I did similar things for my kids. They may not believe in Santa anymore, but after reading this, I wish they still did.
Overall I think the writing is good. The one thing I wondered as I read it was if the writer was in a hurry or occupied with something else. Some of your verses sound a bit terse or uninspired. Maybe you were trying to hard? Maybe you were pressed for time? I don't know but I think there is more here.
I would really like to see you take another crack and this and see if you can make it fuller. Spend a bit more time with each paragraph and add to it. You tell a full story, you finish the story, but it's missing something. I wish I could say what it's missing, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Like I said, it was good, but I think you could do better.
I liked it. While I picked up that Rebecca was a ghost early on and though 'This is overdone' By the end I had a feeling like you had done that intentionally. Good work.
You use to many adjectives. I understand your trying to invoke a mood and tone, but you use three words when one will do.
An example "displayed a prismatic glow of orange and yellow hues as dawn erupted through the east window over the kitchen sink". There is to much description here and I felt a bit of a slog in the writing. Play with this a bit, maybe shorten to to prismatic glow? Look for other areas where you get a bit wordy and see about cutting them down a bit.
Overall a good read and I really liked the ending. I felt the ending totally brought the work to a close which can be hard to do.
You evoke strong imagery here. Overall the work tells a complete story and gives me a sense of wonder. My only problem with it is that it doesn't flow as well as it could. While I get that poetry doesn't have to follow rules, it should be pleasant to read. For the most part, this is a pleasant read but you word bloat a few times which throws the whole work off a bit.
get rid of and. You don't need and in this poem. While yes, it's correct English, this is a poem, play with the language a bit.
"She is my favorite drug" A: This term is really over used. B: don't need the She is, "my favorite drug" works with the rest of the work a bit better.
"Her every move driven by the need to devour" make this two or more verses. play with "driven by" a little see what you come up with.
Just some thoughts, overall I really liked it but you did put it up for review and I wanted to give it a go.
I really like the thoughts here. Was a good read. However, you almost lost me at the beginning with a run on sentence. Some of your descriptions are a bit over done. It is a good read, the writing is well done. However, some of the mechanics could be better.
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