Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This story has a lot of potential. There's a good setting, some family tension, and a problem that needs solving. It opens to a powerful scene, painting an image of wherever this is as the main character approaches to try and make amends for a past error.

However, the receptor of his apology refuses to let it go. She has ostracized him, and she will not be moved to make herself release the punishment.


Best Elements

The setting is great. I like the old vibes the place gives off and the ominous way the old woman looms over all of it. Maybe a touch more description would have completed the feeling better, but what is here is good.


Suggestions

Like I said, a touch more description would have been nice. I'm also of the understanding that this is part of a longer span of stories, but I feel like there should have been more explanation for the ending. As soon as the PoV shifted, I found myself completely losing the thread of what was going on. The explanation for why the main character was ostracized should have come from his perspective. Then I wouldn't have lost the thread so easily.


Overall

A good start, it's just the ending that needs clarification. I had trouble following it. Otherwise, I liked the basic theme of the story. It wasn't quite what I had expected - three of swords is a card, I know - but I'd have thought something more... sword-like?

Anyway, overall it's a decent story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

After reading this story, I felt as though the language implications were slipping past me somewhere. Of course it's mentioned in here that she goes to the Albanian mountains to find what she is looking for.

Granted there is some intrigue in here. Why is her brother getting the fortune such a bad thing? I just wonder why it ends so abruptly.


Best Elements

The opening was the best part in this. It's got enough to hook me and keep me reading through it. The story was really short, but it got straight to its point. The character herself displays some attitude in the time I have to spend with her, too.


Suggestions

I don't know if this is part of a longer group of stories. If it isn't, the biggest fault I found was the ending. It ends so abruptly, and all it has done is made me curious how she stops her brother from getting the fortune. Plus that added curiosity of why him getting the fortune is such a bad thing. Brandi might have some idea, but she never goes out of her way to drop any clues for the curious reader.


Overall

Interesting concept, but it needs more to it before I can really get into the story and theme. Don't get me wrong: I want to get into this story. I just don't have long enough, or a satisfying enough conclusion. If it had a better conclusion, this story would suddenly have a lot more potential.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Kind of cute, I guess. These two are nothing alike, yet find themselves getting along better than anyone else. It is true, I suppose, that opposites attract. The scene between them in italics was a nice way to capture them together, just for a brief moment in time. It is like they're made for each other, but in an unexpected way.


Best Elements

Nothing about this relationship felt forced to me as I read it, which I think is its best feature. Considering the entire story is focused on this unusual relationship. The main character can't quite decide what it is about her that he appreciates so much, but they get along well, and that's enough for him.


Suggestions

There's not much wrong with this piece, but there are a few places where the grammar leaves me confused. Well, the punctuation anyway. There's also a few too many 'to be' words in here, making the story more passive than it should be.

She’s ... desirable too I guess.

I feel there should be punctuation in here (censoring this just in case, nothing personal).

It makes me wonder whether I spoke English or some alien language.

I feel like there's a shift in tense. Maybe you should say something like...

EXAMPLE: It makes me wonder if I'm speaking English, or some alien language.

Or, stay in past tense...

EXAMPLE: It made me wonder if I had spoken English, or some alien language.

I'd just watch out for these things in general, and make sure you have commas to clarify things where they are needed.


Overall

I liked this piece. It has a solid introduction, a good middle, and a firm ending. I have the feeling this relationship will last a long time between these two, as they seem to find one another interesting in their own way.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Dreams like this make me stop and think, too. I wasn't sure what I was going to read when I started this, but it sounded interesting enough to keep me captivated. I half expected you to wake up and find out your grandmother had passed away - I'm glad that wasn't the case, though.

Even if the story centers around the feeling of 'death', there's nothing that sad in it. It's more like a weird, detached feeling from the dream itself. Almost happy. Not the kind of mood I would have expected, given the genre.


Best Elements

The middle is where the dream comes in and changes everything, so I consider that the best element. That's what I clicked on this item to see, and that was the highlight of the very short piece.


Suggestions

I'd look out for the punctuation on this piece. I noticed several places where there could have been. I'm not a comma expert - far from it - but when I read there are places where I think they need to be added to help clarify the sentence. This seems a given with a great many of your stories. It isn't a disaster, but I'd look through them and read them aloud (if you can, I personally have a very hard time reading my stuff aloud! I'm almost never completely alone).

All off a sudden it's like I was in a heavy fog.

I'm not the biggest fan of this sentence. It's telling what I'd much rather 'see'. Plus, there's a typo.

EXAMPLE: All of the sudden a heavy fog rolled over me.


Overall

Not a bad piece, but it needs some polishing so it can really stand out. Many of these sentences were 'telling' when they should have 'shown' me what happened instead. I wanted to see whatever you were seeing. Maybe its difficult to describe, but show me what you can describe - in a feeling, if nothing else.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

I had a small problem following the thread of the story at first. Maybe its the way it opens. I wasn't sure if I was reading a short story or an essay. Getting past that made a whole lot more sense, and unfolded into a story revolving around a self-centered woman who is not willing to take any of the blame upon herself. She doesn't have any problems in her mind, but everyone around her sure does.

Finally she takes matters into her own hands. I'd half-expected her to actually apologize and move on with her life, but that's not exactly how it went.


Best Elements

You've done a good job making a believable case on Sharon's anger. She's angry, she has an anger issue. However, she does not believe she does, and is stuck on the idea that the fault lies with everyone except her. She's so convinced about this, that she doesn't seem to realize what a wicked thing she's doing.


Suggestions

This isn't as edited as some of the other stories I have read on your portfolio. I'm not sure if that's because of the length - it's longer than most of the other items on here - or just because you've not had time to get around to polishing it completely. Maybe a blend of the two.

"My husband got mad because I told him I want a divorce."

"This is not about your husband, Sharon. It's about you and the anger you feel inside. Why do you feel the need to pass the blame on others?" She asked, a genuinely confused look on her face.

This phrasing stopped me. I re-read this three times, trying to figure out exactly which 'she' you were talking about.

She had always coward in situations where there were people 'in charge'.

I think you meant 'cowered'.

The pork was not in the least bit plain.

This is excessive description. I'd cut this out altogether.



Overall

I guess her anger management classes didn't work out. I'm curious if she ever gets caught for her misdeed, but that isn't necessary to enjoy the story. The things that happened here showed me what kind of people Sharon and her husband were, and how they reached the breaking point in the end in a believable fashion.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

There's probably some context here that I'm not getting, but even without that I thought this was a very good piece. Straight from the heart, and understandable. He lost his wife, the woman he loved, to the waves. When he receives a message from her, he goes out to see her again no matter what the cost. The cost, in this case, is his life. However, he gets to be with Karen again.


Best Elements

The story is very short, but you manage to get John's emotions into it, the history of his unfortunate romance, and a satisfying end all wrapped up in that span anyway.


Suggestions

There are a lot of 'was' and 'were' words thrown through there, and it might be prudent to go back to eliminate some of them. Get a more 'shown' description in place of the 'was'. I actually liked the beginning least of any of this story because it felt heavy, and the 'was' words.

Then there are the extra words you can cut.

Two months ago that had suddenly all changed.

This word isn't adding any impact to the story. Most '-ly' words don't, so you can weed most of them out without consequence.


Overall

I liked this story, even if it ends on a tragic note. Come to think of it, the whole thing was tragic, in its way. I couldn't help thinking that it was nice that they could be together again, even if it's sad.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is the story of a candle, flaming with its fellows as a storm brews, and being held by humans - until it is set down of course - who are afraid of the dark. It burns on until it finally melts into a puddle of wax, defeated by the wind from the storm outside. If this tale had been told through anything else's perspective, it might have come across as dull - nothing much seems to happen - but the candle's struggle just to live is enough to keep me on the page.


Best Elements

The fact that this is told from the perspective of a candle. I wouldn't have thought of it, anyway. It's also rather well done, considering the candle is describing the people in a way that might make it difficult to figure out that they're humans, and not some weird kind of monster.


Suggestions

After reading this entire piece, I feel the description is a tad lacking. I have a vague idea where the main - ah - object is, but I couldn't tell you for certain if I was asked. Most of the story is focused on how the candle is feeling, and how the elements around it are affecting its quality of life. Or the lack of life. Being that as it may, I don't even really know how many people are with the candles. There's no exact number specified, and I could have forgotten there were any people there at all.

I know there are figures of speech in here, but how does a candle smile?


Overall

You really brought the candle to life. I just wish I knew more about where this candle was. The specifics of its surroundings and company would be helpful. It could stand some more polishing, but the mood and everything is set quite well.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Colourful range of visuals going on here. I enjoyed the raging display of wind and lightning, the sparks flying and the flames. Even if I don't really understand the context of some of the things, it's still enjoyable in this state. I don't need to understand anything except the storm.


Best Elements

The tree bursting into flames is the most exciting part, of course, but the lightning's constant irritation with the wind for butting in on its business is a nice highlight for the story, giving it some conflict.


Suggestions

Mostly I think it's good. You have conflict, good visuals, and rising climax before the ultimate end of the story. However there are a few discrepancies with the dialogue tags getting separated from the dialogue.

One after another I threw my best strikes out, scattering the mere humans.

Is this word really necessary? I already know they're 'mere' humans compared to lightning.


Overall

Just watch out for the grammatical issues in this piece, and it should be just fine. It reads as an exciting short story, getting straight to its point and leaving no questions when its over. Mother Nature has to step in, of course, so its hard to say who actually won the little tiff.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

There's a lot of feeling in this piece. The whole thing is a scene rather than a story with a deep plot, but you've managed to highlight a great deal about the main character and the people around him under a thousand words. It's surprisingly detailed, almost as though they each have been fully fleshed out solely for this purpose. It made for an interesting read.


Best Elements

The woman and her child appeared at an appropriate time. It gave Stephen a chance to show his other, softer colours and helped bring the real gravity of the situation into clearer focus. Stephen realizes, at least, that he could have been far less fortunate.

Suggestions

Some of these sentences are unnecessarily long, bogged down with words they don't need or phrases that are in a slightly awkward order.

Squealing children made known their disdain for the rain, the cold, the hard benches, and life in general.

I'd put the 'known' last. It would make the rest of the sentence flow smoother.

Stephen rolled his eyes, feeling that none of them knew suffering like him.

I suggest ending the first sentence and starting with a new one. I know that Stephen feels this way, so you don't need to bother mentioning it.

He saw her, but the anger that had been building in his chest died in an instant.

This seems unnecessary, and it's telling. I'd just cut it out.

Overall

Surprisingly emotional for so short a piece. I got into Stephen's life, the hurt, and the anger he's stacked up inside of himself. Memorial day seems a sort of relief for him, as if he needs it just to recharge and make it through another year. Maybe he'll feel less sorry for himself now that he's seen someone else in a potentially worse situation.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A short tale about a girl going to the USO one evening. There's a great deal of attention given to their exact attire - perhaps because orange was one of the prompts - before it launches into the party itself. I learn that she is majoring in physics, and something between her and that man hits off well. In the end, she goes to work on the Manhattan Project (which I feel I should know about, but sadly don't).

Best Elements

The middle. Her dialogue with the man who only smiled when he learned what her major was. I had the feeling they would hit off all right, and this conversation serves as the highlight to the entire story.


Suggestions

This story is far too abbreviated. I know you were going to join the flash fiction contest, but this story is clearly far too long to fit in such a tiny word count and make sense. I was confused by the sudden shifts from scene to scene, and the context of it baffled me more than was appropriate.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to expand it. It doesn't make enough sense as it is right now.


Overall

The theme is there. The characters are there. The dialogue is decent, but unfinished. If you really want to keep this story, I'd really advise expanding it. It has potential, but its crammed in too tiny a box.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is a good story in its way. I like the feeling of it - the tension raking through the men as they prepare to march off to war and 'grow up' under vile circumstances. The main character - Boomer - is nervous, and his thoughts dart about like they are. He thinks of a great many things while he's waiting to set out into the great battlefield.

Best Elements

It improved a great deal after the first hammering of dialogue. I felt the focus was greater there, and I had a chance to get to know Boomer better before the story ended. Or started? I don't know if this is part of something longer or not, but it works as a short story, anyway.


Suggestions

I didn't feel like I got into the main character's shoes until nearest the end of the story, and that detracted from the experience for me. I enjoyed reading this, but I wish I knew more about the main character. I've only got the vaguest backstory on him, and it's not deep enough for me to feel very emotionally involved in him or his situation. All I know is that he got good praise from the right people, and he's about to move into a situation he knows he's not quite ready for.

That's really my only thought on this.


Overall

For all that, this was a good story. I enjoyed what was here, and rooted for the characters to the end - partly out of duty, and partly because their brief dialogue showed me they were realistic characters. It's a shame not all of them will come back.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is called a chapter, so I'm not sure if it's the opening to a book, or the continuation of a book, or what. Irregardless, the light-hearted opening of this piece (in spite of the battle around the characters) is mildly disjointing compared to the overall theme. In spite of that, I found the action enjoyable, and in the brief time I knew the characters, interesting.

I have no idea where they are or who they are fighting, but it sounds bad for them.


Best Elements

The latter half. The first half of this story feels surprisingly jovial for the situation, and it's hard to get into that and a mix of battlefield happenings at the same time. But the second half is mostly business, and the tragedy that is war is easier to follow.


Suggestions

I don't know how else to put this, but you need to get more urgency in this piece. The opening starts with some of that, but discards it for favour of comedic relief. That's fine, but it has to have some of that necessary urgency still in it for me to remain invested in the battle.

Even in the end, maybe you should imply something to the main character that would indicate how much pain he must be in. Yeah, I know, shock... but still, it's so vague the way it is. Not even a tingle?


Overall

Not bad as a whole. Once I got past the time-freezing dialogue, the rest of it flowed rather well. I could see some history behind the characters. The dreadful situation they're in. The fact that one of them did not make it, and the other is never going to be the same...

The only thing I don't really know is what (and where) they were fighting.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is actually a really good story written in a letter format. I liked the main character, and the way he ended up helping rewrite history. I'm afraid my American history is a bit rusty - I'm Canadian - because I feel like most of these names should be familiar to me (and they aren't). Still, I got into this story well enough while I read it.

Best Elements

The part where he gets put in front of a typewriter is the best part of this story. It flows easily, and I was curious to see how it developed into the job he was talking to his mother about. The fun part is imagining her face when she read this particular letter. But that's a different story...


Suggestions

I don't think this needs much in the way of edits. I didn't really trip over much of anything. Except for the third sentence, which made me pause because of punctuation I was uncertain about. Otherwise, you might be able to simplify this sentence.

This is what happened and how I came to have this job.

It's not bad this way, but it could be made more concise.

EXAMPLE: This is how I came to have this job.

But it's entirely up to you, the story reads fine the way it is.


Overall

Great story. The way this young man gets his position is amusing and well-explained. He's quick thinking, and nothing in his letter would make me think he was conceited about it. It's more a matter of fact for him than a point of gloating. Nice work.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

This is the first chapter in a novel. It opens with a mysterious ship appearing out from behind a planet with its weapons online. This is what triggered the klaxon that woke the captain from his slumber and sent him running for the bridge, all the while giving orders to the XO on the bridge.

There's a great air of mystery around this chapter. Who are these people? Why are they in this vicinity? What are they doing?


Best Elements

The dialogue is good and the mystery of the other ship is interesting enough to make me want to turn the page and find out what happens next. What I see here is fairly well written. It sounds like this was given a good deal of thought.


Suggestions

One of the biggest issues I have with this is how you started it. The captain wakes up. This is a cliche beginning I'd suggest avoiding as much as possible. Does his sleeping add anything to this scene? Why not the reverse in that he cannot sleep?

Although I like your dialogue, I feel like I'm sadly wanting for some description. Especially of the path he takes to the bridge (what do these halls look like? Does he take an elevator or is he on the same floor as the bridge?), and the interior of the bridge itself. How are things laid out? Star Trek-ish, or more Star Wars-ish? Or something completely different?

Otherwise, I think you have a decent story here. Just flesh it out and be careful of that opening.


Overall

The mystery here is good, the characters - well, I wish I knew more about them, but their dialogue is good. I have a powerful Star Trek vibe from this, and I have the impression that's what you meant when you wrote it. For that, it's not bad. I actually enjoyed reading it in spite of my above stated issues.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

What an unusual conundrum to find oneself in. I admit, I was skeptical at the first few lines, wondering how this was going to end and how strange things were getting. He's approached by a CIA agent, asked to sabotage his wife, but apparently manipulated into doing so already. The dentist has already made sure which side he was on.

Best Elements

The body-controlling tooth. This is so completely 'out there'. I couldn't help smiling as I read it. The dialogue is actually pretty good for the most part as well, which is good. This is mostly dialogue, after all.

Suggestions

This jumped out at me more than anything else. The capitalized letters, and the consistent stammering. You don't necessarily have to denote this in your writing. All caps implies yelling, yes, but it's like yelling at your reader and not on the page. If your character is shouting, just tag that. If they are stammering, just tag that.

My second point isn't an error so much as it is an observation. Throughout this entire story, I have no clue who I'm supposed to be cheering for. David, or Frock? I'm not sure.

Overall

The end result is simple. David is going to go to dinner with his wife and sabotage her whether he wants to or not. He's got a new crown on his tooth, and that's going to make sure he does it. Interesting, and unique in my experience.

Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Thanks to the opening, I had a terrible feeling of something dreadful about to happen. I read one of your other stories (as you know), and I'm surprised by how much more polished this one is.

This is nice. The kid scared his mother with his harmless joke, and actually had me worried for a moment as well.

Best Elements

The tension in this piece is actually excellent. For such a brief span of narrative, I got fully into the beat of the story and had to wonder what dreadful mess the child had created in some unseen room. A brown and sticky mess. The absolute worst kind.

Suggestions

Some extra words you can weed out would help. I actually thought this story was pretty good just the way it is, but there's always some room for improvement.

I picked him up, though he was getting far too heavy for me to carry anymore. My heart broke a little.

I'd sum this up with 'my heart cracked' instead. The two words 'a little' are weak, and should be used very sparingly.

I laughed, mostly in relief.

I'd cut the 'mostly'.


Overall

I like this story better than the other one. There's tension, feelings, and a dreadful moment of sheer terror. The description of the behaviour of the kids is also a nice way to start, got me right in the mood of the piece. At the end, even I was smiling in relief.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

What a cute story. The dog is appropriately introduced right out of the gate, showing me that Boo has eaten rocks and is inclined to gulp things down on random whims. This sets the stage for what happens next. Although I feel I don't fully understand what I bread tie is.

Best Elements

The ending is well done. Boo waits until exactly the right moment to reveal her crime, and make a grand showing of herself, too. Who knows why animals do some of the things they do? This was really cute, though, and funny at the same time.

Suggestions

The story itself is fine the way it is, but there are a few things that might make it a tad better. It's not really necessary, but for all that, it's worth considering.

Mostly, she lives inside the house with us and is very pampered and spoiled.

Not a necessary word.

I started getting very nervous because I could imagine another scenario and that was that Boo had swallowed a metal wire.

The 'very' can be done without. As for the other thing, it's more of a personal preference, but I feel it would sound stronger if it said something like...

EXAMPLE: I could imagine another scenario in which Boo had swallowed a metal wire.

However, it stayed in the back of my mind as a sort of nagging worry.

Unneeded words.


Overall

I'm certainly glad the dog didn't swallow wire and hurt herself, and its quite funny what she did with that bread tie. No wonder nobody could find it after that event. I wonder where she'd hidden it for all that time?


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Amusing. If it was me, I never would have done something like this myself (allergic to danger and female, which doesn't strictly go hand-in-hand), but I was smiling through most of this story. No, what he did was not good. In hindsight, it was definitely funny.

I had also expected this story to do nothing except highlight the actual wrongdoing on the part of the child, but I was satisfied by the fact that it went beyond that and added a satisfactory conclusion to the whole affair.

Best Elements

The lead-in to this event was very well done. I saw everything unfolding at a good pace, revealing the near horrendous disaster that could have happened if something had gone truly wrong. I also immediately suspected what had occurred as soon as the fire got started. I just didn't expect something so large scale.

Suggestions

There's not much to say about this piece. It's pretty well polished, and the writing isn't bad. I assume this is a true account, and therefore there's nothing to be said about the plot (obviously).

Now it is time for you to stop and listen to your inner psychic voice and discern what happened next.

Do you need to say 'inner psychic voice'? Why not just 'inner voice'? Means the same thing, and uses less words.

a carpet tube would be a great launcher for rockets.

I advise 'make' instead of 'be'. In my experience 'be' tends to be a lazy word.

both dangerous and a potential fire hazard sending them back to the house.

This phrasing makes it sound as though a potential fire hazard sent the boys back to the house.

Please note that there are one or two other sentences like this with a potential for 'double' meaning.


Overall

I actually really enjoyed this story. It's funny - and kind of exasperating - that all the warnings went clear over his head. I guess I could understand why they did it, even if I would never have attempted such a thing. Very amusing.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Ahaha, sounds like an unfortunate situation to have a mother who cannot cook. That in itself is bad enough, but she's trying to cook in spite of everything and compelling everyone else to eat her botched attempts at making something edible. The spaghetti incident was a good example of her ineptitude, but the mention of food colouring is truly awful. Ugh, the idea.


Best Elements

The mother in question is the best part of this. She's the one burning things, exploding hotdogs, and generally making mayhem. What isn't to like about her? She's not a quitter.


Suggestions

I found a few minor details distracting while reading this story. For one thing, the capital letters heading some words for no apparent reason. This isn't a good way to show impact, it's just distracting. Put them back lowercase like they should be, and move on.

I'm skeptical about burning water. I don't think it can be done. You were probably just doing this for an example of how bad she was instead of actually meaning it, but I just thought I'd point it out.

There are some unnecessary words scattered here and there, and I'll point one out.

We have red mash potatoes.

Should be 'mashed'.

When my mom is feeling creative in the kitchen sometimes it is better if you do not ask too many questions about what kind of stuff mom has fixed.

Then change the 'mom' to 'she'. Also, this sentence could use punctuation.


Overall

It is unfortunate that she's such a terrible cook, but this story still has a great conclusion. She's a bad cook, but the father is a great one. My parents can both cook, and I wouldn't be able to tell you which was better, but this staggered example is comical.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

At first this sounds as though its a story about the wife and husband disagreeing about his smoking habits. I get the feeling that was the intention, because the way the ending is phrased tells me that much. It's actually a light, easy read, and has some amusing - dare I say realistic - banter between the two of them.


Best Elements

The dialogue, and the ending. It was clever, playing this off as though the wife really wanted to make her husband do something like quit smoking, when all the while it was the problem we couldn't see that was the problem. I had my suspicions, but I wouldn't have guessed what it really was ahead of time.


Suggestions

There's not much wrong with this, really. I'm not a grammatical expert or anything, but the big paragraph in the beginning could - in my opinion - have been broken up a tad more. It would look less intimidating, but it's not really necessary.


Overall

Good story. Amusing. I could see the dynamics in the relationship between these two, and they seem to make a good couple. One can hardly blame Marie for wanting to cure her husband's problem, and likewise couldn't blame Jim for being unenthusiastic about it. Especially once the reader finds out what that problem is.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

A woman wakes up in an alley and finds a red stain (mark, really) on her arm. At first I had no idea what that was going to turn into, but long before I got to the bottom of the story I had already pieced things together. The ending, therefore, was not any surprise to me. I'm not sure if you intended it to be one or not.


Best Elements

The writing isn't bad, and the pacing doesn't seem rushed. I also like the conversation near the end with the person she is swapping places with. The visit to the doctor was also a nice touch. He didn't seem to notice anything was wrong, which compounded the obvious fact that something was wrong.


Suggestions

I kind of wish I'd had a bit more explanation on the main character before you got all the way to the end and plunged into a sad backstory. Plus, if you were going for surprise with her apparently 'turning demon' problem, I wasn't taken by surprise at all.

Maybe giving her some vague recollection of what transpired the previous evening might have helped, as well.

Overall

I'm not a fan of this kind of story. You pulled it off rather well, though, so I didn't mind reading it. I think there are a few points that could use improvement, but overall it isn't bad the way it is. Very fitting for the 'weird tales', though.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

The opening made me think I was going to read a story about a nurse wandering through the patients and musing her musings so the reader could follow them. This is sort of what is going on, except minus the wandering among patients. There are a lot of people in this unit, and many have already moved on according to the story. It's a sad place. Not much hope in it, and somehow cold and contemplative.


Best Elements

The way each patient is introduced is interesting. It is kept cold and professional, as though she - the nurse - took care of them, but never allowed herself to get too deeply involved with their personal lives. The focus is entirely on their physical conditions and where they came from.

Suggestions

It might help to make this story more interactive. I know where she is primarily because of the opening, but I'd like some of the routine motions as per the story's requirements. Maybe do some routine things while going through the pondering stage. It would help ground the reader into the scene more, and would help get to know the layout of the building. You might not have meant this to have a beginning, middle, and end, but making it more interactive would help the reader invest more in it.


Overall

I expected something a bit different than this, but I certainly don't regret stopping by to read it. It's something to think about. Something that could stay with someone a long time after they've read it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Disturbing little story about a woman who is going for an abortion. This is never outright stated, but it's implied enough that I drew the conclusion myself. She was directed to this shady location by a friend(?) or acquaintance, and is ushered into a creepy, dirty little room.

For such a short story, it didn't feel rushed or as if it was cut off too quickly, which is something I've always found difficult in short stories.


Best Elements

The beginning. The precision of her directions helped ground me in the scene, and gave me the immediate impression something shady was going on. Not to say the rest of it was bad, but the beginning is what really stood out to me.


Suggestions

For the most part, I can't say there's much that needs doing here. There are some extra words you could weed out, though, to make the reading less clunky.

Tara cautiously makes her way to the door,

This word is probably not needed. You can write this entire sentence to do without it.

EXAMPLE: Tara creeps to the door.

In the center of the room is a table, like an examination table. It has stirrups.

It might just be me, but I have a really hard time picturing this. As soon as the stirrups were mentioned, I couldn't help picturing a toy horsey. I'm sure that's not what you mean, which is why I thought I'd point it out.


Overall

Very creepy. I knew something was wrong from the start, but I had no idea how this would go until I reached the end. Tara has really gone in over her head in this story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

An old (I figure he's old, though his age is never specified) man in a hospital with cancer is trying to get past his inner demons before he dies. There's a sombre, hopeless, crotchety old man feeling throughout this piece. A bogging mood that's appropriate for the piece.

His only companion is the dog that brings him cigarettes and whatever else he wants. Quite an intelligent dog - although this is never drawn extra attention to.

At last Rick cannot take his situation anymore and takes one last trip to the restroom before he ends everything. His son isn't answering, and his life is going to end anyway.


Best Elements

Maybe it sounds biased, but I liked the dog best. Loyal mutt, it brings Rick whatever he wants. It's also fun that you almost made it sound as though the dog was another person that visited Rick every day. At first I thought it was a man, then a child, then finally realized it was a dog. that was interesting way to develop it.


Suggestions

Space your paragraphs better. That's my first suggestion, because those big blocks of text were incredibly intimidating when I first clicked into this, and I nearly backed right out again. If it had gone on much longer, I might have done so anyway. Make your story visually appealing so people are more likely to stick around and read it.

Secondly, I'd put the important information about his bad relationship with his son, and his problems with alcohol, earlier in the story. It's not fair to learn about the conflict right at the end. Put the important details first, and get to the rest later.

Make sure your tenses stay consistent.

The pale blue was sickening. It just looked...blah. Why did all hospitals smell like this? It literally smelled like the color. It smelled like a drab, pale, blue. The kind of blue that perhaps once tried hard to be a vibrant blue, but gave up and is now dying.

I feel like you were trying way too hard with this sentence. Look how many times the word 'blue' shows up. It's never important again later in the story, so I would advise simplifying this description.


Overall

It has a solid theme, I got the impression he was a crotchety old man upset with his life and his situation. Just ready for the end to come already, and wondering why its taking so long. The issues I have are stated above, although I'd also like to add that the beginning could use more power. Starting with a description - especially of this kind - is not going to catch a reader and hold them.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.

Greetings from the White Walkers and the "Game of Thrones" ! I'm Tam, and I'm here to provide you some feedback.


First Impressions

Moving piece. I liked the fact that she was a nurse, and is now confined to a nurse's care in the hospital. Listening to the voices of people and smelling their perfume. Even imagining their faces. It's a dreamy scene, as she drifts in and out of consciousness - well, maybe I should say 'awareness'.

The last line is good. When I skimmed to the bottom of the piece the first time I thought 'well, that's done it. She dies at the end', but no. Quite the opposite. She's going to recover.


Best Elements

I liked the theme of the story, and the ins and outs of her consciousness. There was something surreal about the whole thing. Plus, even if she's in a coma, I didn't have the deep feeling of despair usually associated with such pieces. Hope carried throughout.


Suggestions

Some grammatical issues, and typos. There are weird spaces here and there that you should search and eliminate, especially between commas and their prior words. You do not need a space before a comma.

My sister's loud voice breaks the silence now and I hear her asking how I am doing today.

You don't need this word. I know her voice is breaking the silence 'now' because you just said it broke the silence. It didn't happen later, and it can't have happened earlier.

What does that mean , I wonder.

This is one of the spaced-out commas I was referring to.


Overall

Interesting concept. I wonder if she'll make a full recover and go back to being a nurse, or if she's done that now and will have to retire. Either way, the ending was nicely done. The fact that she will survive and recover is enough at this point, as that was the entire focus of the story.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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This review is in affiliation with "The Witch's House" . If you like this review, consider stopping by "Game of Thrones"  and cheering for my team. Or you can stop by my portfolio. Visitors are always welcome.