King of the House Elves, Chapter 2
My new comments are in magenta. The blue are from the email I sent previously.
Plot: Aira learns that her father may be in danger, and although she is forbidden to go help him, she decides to go anyway.
Setting: There could be more bits and pieces of setting dribbled in here and there, just a word here and two or three there, not long paragraphs, just enough to remind us where they are.
POV: It’s getting closer and closer to Aira’s point of view, but there are times when the narrator sneaks in and tells what is happening.
Style: There are a few adverbs that explain what is happening. Without going crazy with the active words, whenever possible, use active verbs to show what is happening. Words like “they” and “was” might indicate that it’s the narrator is speaking (pov) or that there is a passive sentence that could be transformed into an active one.
It’s always great to have dialogue without a dialogue tag. When there are several characters involved, try to let the reader know who is talking before the character finishes a complete paragraph of dialogue so that we can see who is talking while they are talking and not afterward.
Grammar: In general, the grammar is pretty good. 
My opinion: Aira is about to get into a lot of trouble. Yikes!
It’s a great world with likeable characters and problems to solve. Everything needed for a fantastic novel!
Thanks for sharing!
Tadpole1
Hi HM,
I’m going to try to give your chapter a quick read. Did they invite you into the writing group?
I didn’t finish. This is all I can do tonight.
If you would like to read the first two chapters of Moon Curse, let me know.
Smiles and good night,
B
On the same Midsummer’s Eve that Boroden braced himself to fight the hobyahs, the moon rose upon a humble scene some miles away in the human world. Peasants cutting the hay returned home to their beds, leaving the field edges and thickets to become the haunts of faerie troops celebrating the solstice. High above them, overlooking the tremulous waters of the loch, the castle of Tullochgorm frowned from arrow slit eyes. Some remained lit, casting silver slivers of light across the water.
It wasn’t immediately clear that “some” were the loopholes.
In the Great Hall, a poor drudge of eleven, freshly sent from one of the crofts to work at the castle, struggled through tidying away the remains of the banquet, her eyes bleary. A page boy passed her by, searching for the missing gauntlet that his master needed for the morrow’s hunt. He headed to the servants’
quarters I don’t know why this was flagged.
where an elderly widow forced her aching bones on, for she must earn enough to buy a few crusts from her spinning. This sentence still feels like it’s coming from left field.
Finally, for a few short hours, silence fell.
Moonlight slunk like a silent watchman through the castle window, beckoning. It revealed an offering of fresh cream and lightly baked bread placed at the foot of a flight of stairs as a token of thanks to the brownies that worked doing chores in the castle by night. A few paces away was a hole left in the wainscoting where a knot of wood had come away. Golden hair flickered in the moonlight as a brownie peeped out. With her whiskers and pointed ears set at right angles to her face, Aira might have been mistaken for a mouse by any passing human.
Nicely done. The only thing I can pick out is “was a hole.” Maybe there’s a way to use an active verb here?
‘Is it safe to step outside?’ Aira’s stepmother, Gretchen, asked. Nice.
New paragraph. Aira glanced back at her stepmother with her familiar thin nose and lips countered by large, warm brown eyes and a complexion mottled with freckles.
Aira felt relectant reluctant
to answer. On the verge of becoming a young woman, she was of an age when she needed to learn to tell how to discern if it was safe to enter the castle unnoticed by humans. She still found this hard to judge. Adding to her uncertainty was the pressure that the safety of her clan rested on her response. She was acutely aware that the eyes of a score of other brownies were upon her.
Aira looked from Gretchen to her father, Airen. ‘I’m not sure this time. What do you think?’
‘Yes, all should be well. The humans have been long asleep, lass.’
New paragraph. Airen jumped out of the elf knot, a quick grace in his movements. He turned back to offer Aira his hand to help her step out into the human world. His reddish gold hair appeared washed white by the moonlight, but Aira recalled how it kindled like burnished copper when illuminated by the fire in his forge in the brownie village that they left behind half a mile from the faerie door into the castle. This sentence is nice but a bit long.
Airen’s pack of metalwork clanked on his shoulders as he turned to bid Aira farewell. ‘I’ll be on my way. I can’t believe you’re 424 years old tomorrow, my dearie. Almost too old to call a bairn now. It’s a great shame that arrogant elf, King Midhir, picked this day for the market, but I must earn our tithe money from selling my weapons at
they ?? the ??
fey market tonight, and you and Gretchen must earn our bread serving the humans in the castle. I promise I’ll hurry back as soon as I may to wish you many happy returns.’ Nicely done.
‘Perhaps once you’re back comma
we can go and pick some of the pretty flowers in the hedgerows? The meadows look so jolly in summer,’ Aira said.
Airen shook his head. ‘You never want for much by way of birthday gifts, lass.’ Oh, I totally misunderstood this. To want for something means that you are lacking something that you actually need, but I think that you want to say that she doesn’t ask for much.
Airen assumed his true height; a little under three foot, Foot or feet? I think it’s feet. He is under three feet tall, so he uses a three-foot ladder. I could be wrong, so you should check.
to better help him scurry down the stairs. All brownies shared this ability to magically alter height. It was essential to help them go about their tasks unnoticed by humans. Although in the faerie world Aira was perfectly sized, in the world of humans she felt tiny. Even standing at her full height of two foot six, she was dwarfed by the castle hunting hounds. I hope they’re friendly!
The air shimmered as Aira left the protection of the faerie world, entering the dangerous territory of the castle. Humans had once persecuted faeries nearly to extinction. The faeries used their remaining magic to create a parallel world touching the human lands yet hidden from them except for a few special spots like the elf knot in Tullochgorm Castle.
The brownies went to the Great Hall to strew fragrant lady’s mantle sprigs amongst the rushes on the floor to freshen the air. They tiptoed to avoid awakening the servants who slumbered there. Then the coppers needed polishing in the kitchen. POV: All the description is nice and well-done. However, I don’t feel like I’m in Aira’s head, thinking her thoughts. It feels like a narrator is talking.
‘The cook’s always astounded how well these keep their shine. He has no idea that it’s due to the secret diligence of us brownies,’ Gretchen said, handing Aira a fresh rag to buff up the copper kettle that she was polishing.
Suggestion: Turn the about around. Have Gretchen had the rag and then talk.
Maggie Moloch, one of the older brownies, shuffled over. She was so stooped that her parsnip shaped chin was almost on the floor.
She stood by the door and said, ‘It was laundry day for the humans yesterday. There will be plenty of linen needing folding and putting away.’
Aira obediently set aside the polished kettle and followed Maggie. She was keen to perfect the technique of folding the heavy tablecloths and sheets, which she struggled with. ‘I’ll help gladly. I promise I’ll try to fold the cloths neatly and not trip over them again.’
Generally speaking, dialogue deserves a separate paragraph.
Suggestion: new paragraph
“I’ll help gladly,” Aira said. “I promise….”
Gretchen, Maggie and Aira each seized a corner of one of the cloths. They set to work, pulling their edges together in what seemed like the steps of a dance. This is fine, but it’s not in Aira’s head.
Aira seized a corner of one of the cloths; Gretchen held another; and Maggie held the last two. Maggie lifted her edges in a lithe motion while Gretchen hummed. Folding with Maggie and Gretchen was more like dancing than work.
Does that read more like it’s from Aira’s point of view rather than from the narrator’s? (However, notice that the next paragraph starts with “Aira.” Avoid not starting too many sentences or paragraphs in a row with the same word.
Aira fetched the next tablecloth from the top of the pile. It feels like something’s missing here. A hand burst from the laundry basket, grabbing her wrist. Aira screamed.
Gretchen darted to her aid, holding a peg bag poised to strike Aira’s attacker. She froze. Aira blinked,
puzzlement overcoming her fear. telling
The stowaway was an unfamiliar brownie and nearly a mirror image of Maggie, except that this brownie looked worn to a thread as her work-roughened fingers slid from Aira’s wrist. nice
The first sentence is telling, but you can turn it around and make it active. Whenever you use the verbs “was, were,” ask yourself if it is a passive sentence that could be written in a more active way.
The stowaway looked from Aira, past Gretchen, to Maggie. Amazing! The unfamiliar brownie’s features mirrored Maggie’s, except that this brownie looked worn to a thread… Her work-roughen fingers slid from Aira’s wrist, reaching out for Maggie.
With an effort, Aira got her
shaking delete
breathing under control. ‘How did you get in the washing basket?’
Maggie flung her arms around the stranger. ‘It’s all right, Aira. This is my sister Meg Mullach.’
‘Sorry, I think we both scared each other.’ Aira offered Meg her hand and helped her out of the laundry basket. Meg was so weak that her knees almost gave way as she stepped out.
‘Deary me, whatever’s happened?’ Gretchen asked.
‘Here, have some of the bread and cream the humans left for us. You look famished,’ Aira said, giving Meg a
concerned telling
smile. Aira handed Meg her own meal
without a second thought. telling
‘I can’t believe that others of our clan survived the attack on Velmoran,’ Meg said.
Aira shook her head
mournfully. telling (adverb)
Seeing Meg looking so anxious awoke Aira’s sorrow over the scattered and broken existence that the brownies lived since Velmoran was lost. Very nice. It’s not necessary, but a second sentence might be okay here.
‘It’s lovely to know that more brownies escaped. escaped,” she said. “I hate I hate Krysila for destroying Velmoran. All for what? She may have seen the fruit of the Tree of Life as a great treasure, but the immortality it grants is nothing compared to living a peaceful life in freedom.’
Very short action by Meg to make the reader think of her before reading what she says. ‘Perhaps those times will come again? King Mazgrim has been leading us to find a new home where we can be free of our endless years of servitude under the ungrateful humans,’
Meg said. delete
‘Have King Mazgrim’s sons survived? What of Boroden?’ Aira both wished and feared to hear Meg’s reply.
Suggestion: “ Have King Mazgrim’s sons survived?” Aira stepped closer. “What of Boroden?” She both wished and feared Meg’s reply.
‘He lives.’ great
In spite of Meg’s reserved tone, Aira clapped her hands in delight. As a child, she had spent many happy hours in the gardens about the palace of Velmoran comma playing with her friend Prince Boroden. Each day she thought of Boroden and prayed that he had survived.
‘Could you take me to him?’ Aira asked.
New paragraph Yet amongst her eagerness wariness arose. Her father had long feared to meet with any companions of the brownie king.
Suggestion: Wariness stiffened her muscles. (or some action) Her father had long feared meeting companions of the brownie king.
Meg tightened her lips
sorrowfully. Telling. Once you join the writing group. You’ll get these adverbs flagged almost every time.
‘I don’t think so. Boroden is in grave danger. Hobyahs have been searching for us since we fled Velmoran. They’re under Krysila’s orders. A scout spotted them on our trail the same day that a sídhe king found our camp. King Midhir
threatened that we must ordered us to
move on or else become his slaves.’
Aira and Gretchen cast each other knowing looks, having the misfortune
to know of knowing
Midhir themselves. This is not exactly from Aira’s pov.
Aira touched Meg’s arm. ‘I’m sorry you ran into him, Meg. How did you manage to get away and come to find us?’
Aira asked. delete
Meg laid aside her empty plate. ‘One of Midhir’s knights mentioned to him that perhaps the brownies that work in Tullochgorm Castle invited King Mazgrim and his followers to his lands. Could be reworded.
She turned to her sister. I couldn’t believe it when I overheard the knight say that you were the village matriarch, Maggie. I almost got sprung upon by the hobyahs on my way here and had to travel by day when humans were about. I used my last drops of precious glamour ointment to make myself invisible to them. In desperation I hid in a basket of clean linen that a maid was carrying into the castle. It’s not safe for you here since Midhir is in such a rage with the brownies.’ This is a good way to give us the information.
Gretchen’s face paled. ‘Hobyahs? This isn’t good. My husband’s out there heading to the market.’
Gretchen pressed her hand to her forehead as if she were going to faint. Aira put her arm around her and helped her to sit. Building tension. Good.
Since there are several people, give us an idea of who is going to talk. ‘We can’t leave our village. Where else would we go?’ Maggie
fretted. In general, try to stick to “said” and “asked.”
‘Meg, I’m sure that Midhir wouldn’t want to lose the tithe payments we give him. Midhir is hungry for riches and demands payment in gold. Fortunately, we pay him
easily, Since this is inside the dialogue, it’s fine to keep the adverb.
for the metalwork sold by Aira’s father is worth its weight in gold. “Sold” and “gold” rhyme.
His fine work has won him renown amongst the faerie kingdoms of these parts. Airen should come back safe and sound, and laden with riches after selling his wares at the market tonight.’
Aira turned to Meg, keen to introduce her father. ‘Father prefers to be a swordsmith, though he’s always busy making nails, letter openers and other useful implements for humans. It’s fortuante he’s able to work metal, since iron burns most faeries. Years of living alongside humans had built up the resistance of brownies to iron.’ This seems out of place, but I suggest that you leave it and see if you receive any comments from the writing group.
Meg clutched Aira’s arm so hard that it hurt. ‘You father’s gone to the market at Midhir’s palace?’ nicely written
‘Yes.’ Aira’s voice trembled as she saw the concern etched in Meg’s face. ‘You think he’s in danger there?’ good
Meg nodded. ‘If Midhir even allows the market to go ahead what with the trouble brewing between our clan and the hobyahs.’ This bit of dialogue is really working well!
‘Then he’ll not return with any gold? We’ll be ruined.’ Maggie crumpled back against the laundry basket,
aghast. telling
‘I need to warn him,’ Aira said, wringing her hands.
new paragraph Some sixth sense told her that her father was in danger. Although the thought of heading into peril appalled her, she would never forgive herself if she stood by whilst Airen got hurt.
Meg looked at her
pleadingly. How can you show this?
‘Aira, please. It’s too dangerous to go to Midhir’s lands. I didn’t come all this way to warn you only for you to get killed. You’re so young. I’m sure your father wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.’
Aira began to protest but Maggie stared her down, her hands on her hips. ‘Aira, no. As matriarch of our village, I forbid you or any others to go. If we give Midhir any reason to suspect we’re involved with King Mazgrim, then it’ll be the worse for us. I’m sorry but your father will have to fend for himself.’ Her personality is showing through. Good.
Aira quaked, fighting back tears. Although she was never one to get into an argument, she felt a sudden urge to defy Maggie and tear out of the castle to the faerie portal that led to Midhir’s realm. Go, girl, go!
‘Come and help me restock the medicine chest of the castle apothecary. He’s run out of woundwort,’ Gretchen told Aira gently. new paragraph
Aira’s heart leapt. Clumps of woundwort grew near the portal to the faerie market. Did Gretchen mean to use collecting the herb as an excuse for them to go there and search for Airen?
Once they were out of earshot of the other brownies in the pungently herbal smelling cupboard of the apothecary, Gretchen turned to Aira. ‘Maggie’s right that going into Midhir’s lands is risky, but I don’t feel easy about your father. If he manages to make it back to the portal, there will be more trouble. It’s almost dawn, and he’s got no glamour with him. There’s a chance the humans might capture him and do all manner of evil things.’ Oh no! It’s getting more and more dangerous. Good.
‘The least we can do is take him some glamour to give him the protection of invisibility if a human does appear. We’ll take some ourselves, so they shan’t spot us.’ Aira said.
Aira She
motioned Gretchen to give her the valuable vial of glamour. Glamour was one of the most precious things they possessed, made in the traditional way with four-leaf clovers, buds of hollyhock, marigold flowers, wild thyme from a fairy knoll, buds of young hazel and grass from under a fairy throne. Cool!
‘What about Maggie forbidding us to go? I’ll head off home comma and if Maggie calls comma then I’ll say that you’re feeling too upset to see her. Aira, promise me that you’ll wait for him by the portal and not leave the human world.’
Aira had thought of going to the market to find Airen, but Gretchen’s desperate plea brought her to her senses. She had other loved ones to think of besides her father. This is good, but it feels like telling.
‘I promise. I know the meadows near the castle well, and I’m quick on my feet.’
Gretchen hugged her. ‘I’m proud of you, lass. Now go quick before the humans stir. Your father should be returning now, whether Midhir held the market or no.’
As Aira slipped out of the castle, dawn light was beginning to burnish the waters of the loch. Soon farm workers would be about, making the most of the long hours of high summer.
Finding the entrance to the sídhe kingdom deserted, Aira lingered. She collected some regal maroon flower spikes of woundwort and stowed them in the basket that she had taken to give herself the excuse of heading out to pick herbs if Maggie or another of the brownies spotted her. The pungent aroma of the snapped stems of the woundwort filled the air. Their soft, bristly leaves brushed Aira’s arms, for her sleeves were still rolled up from doing her chores.
Dewdrops
bejewelled British spelling?
the grass, sparkling with rainbows. The sun peered eagerly above the castle. Soon the grass began to steam in the heat of the sun. Aira kept close to the trees, avoiding the clumsy hoofs of cows and a yawning dairymaid. There was no sign of Airen.
Anguish welled as Aira frantically searched the nearby countryside. Can you show this?
Soon it would be too dangerous for him to return to the human world that day. nice
© Copyright 2020 HollyMerry (hollymerry at Writin
Hi HM,
Parts are the chapter were very poetic! The images were beautiful.
Plot: Aira is in the castle with other faeries. They come out to do their evening chores. Her father leaves. Later, Aira discovers a hiding brownie, Gretchen’s twin. They learn that Aira’s father could be walking into danger. Will Aira save/warn him?
Confusions: It took a long time for me to understand why they were in the castle. It was confusing as to why her father left. I’m not sure why he commented about her birthday.
Grammar: When two independent clauses are joined by a conjunction (and, but, so, etc.) a comma is needed. Independent clauses are groups of words that could stand alone as a sentence.
Independent clause1: Jack and Jill ran up the hill.
Indedement clause2: Jill fell and broke her crown.
Correct: Jack and Jill ran up the hill, but Jill fell and broke her crown.
Incorrect: Jack and Jill ran up the hill but Jill fell and broke her crown.
Correct: Jill ran up the hill and broke her crown. (There are not two independent clauses here—no comma.)
Dialogue: Let us know who is talking before rather than after, especially when there are many characters.
Train of thought: Before adding a new thought (or action), give a reason for the character to have that thought. Let the character first see or hear something that would lead to that thought.
Example: After picking apples, Aira hurried home. The sun set, and the moonlight lit the valley just like the night that Boroden left. A heavy pain tugged on her heart. She missed him so much.
In the paragraph above, it is the moonlight that triggers the thought about missing Boroden.
Information dump: An information dump is when the author wants to give a lot of information at once. It is better to trickle in the information. Usually, dialogue is a good tool to help. Sometimes, it is necessary to limit the information given at one time, trickling in the rest as needed.
I enjoyed the chapter!
Tadpole1
On the same Midsummer’s Eve that Boroden braced himself to fight the hobyahs, the moon rose upon a humble scene some miles away in the human world. Peasants cutting the hay returned home to their beds, leaving the field edges and thickets to become the haunts of faerie troops celebrating the solstice. High above them, overlooking the tremulous waters of the loch, the castle of Tullochgorm frowned from arrow slit eyes. Some remained lit, casting silver slivers of light across the water.
A poor drudge of eleven, freshly sent from one of the crofts to work at the castle, struggled through tidying away the remains of the banquet, her eyes bleary. A page boy searched for the missing gauntlet that his master needed for the morrow’s hunt. An elderly widow forced her aching bones on, for she must earn enough to buy a few crusts from her spinning.
The sentences in the above paragraph are interesting. Is it possible to create a link between them? They seem very distinct and unrelated. Maybe the castle could be the link?
In the great hall, a poor drudge…, while on another floor (something better) a page boy searched. But I don’t know where the widow is. Is she in the castle?
I understand that this is part of the setting, and as a reader, I would like to see what they have in common, what they have to do with each other. Did I manage to explain what I mean? It feels like they are simply interesting facts.
Finally, for a few short hours, silence fell.
Moonlight slunk like a silent watchman through the castle window, beckoning. It revealed an offering of fresh cream and lightly baked bread placed at the foot of a flight of stairs. A few paces away was a hole left in the wainscoting where a knot of wood had come away. Golden hair flickered in the moonlight as a brownie peeped out. With her whiskers and pointed ears set at right angles to her face, Aira might have been mistaken for a mouse by any passing human. The writing is very poetic!
‘Is it safe to step outside?’ Aira’s stepmother, Gretchen, asked. Gretchen had a thin nose and lips countered by large, warm brown eyes and a complexion mottled with freckles.
Though young and quick of hearing, Suggestion: delete
Aira was reluctant to answer. On the verge of becoming a young woman, Aira was of an age when she needed to learn
to tell suggestion: how to discern
if it was safe to enter the castle unnoticed by humans. She still found this hard to judge. Adding to her uncertainty was the pressure that the safety of her clan rested on her response. She was acutely aware that the eyes of a score of other brownies were upon her.
‘I’m not sure this time. What do you think?’ Aira appealed to her father, Airen, for guidance.
Suggestion: Put an action before the dialogue instead of explaining afterward. For example:
Aira looked from Gretchen to her father, Airen. “I’m not sure this time. What do you think?
This allows us to already be thinking about her father, so we naturally know to whom she is posing the question before she asks. This helps us to see what is happening as it is happening instead of being told afterward.
‘The humans have been long asleep, lass.’ Airen jumped out of the elf knot, a quick grace in his movements. I didn’t understand what was being said and happening here, so I just kept reading. Now, after having read below, I realize that he’s saying that, yes, it’s safe to step outside.
Spend a bit more time here.
‘The humans have been long asleep, lass.’ Airen jumped out of the elf knot, a quick grace in his movements.
He turned and offered Aira his hand. (Now, she can be thinking about her father, so it’s okay to add some of the information about his history that is in the paragraphs below because the action leads to the thoughts.)
After thinking about her father, perhaps either he or Aira offers a hand to Gretchen. This could introduce thoughts as to how Gretchen came into their lives (Freya died…).
Give a reason for the character to have the thoughts like in the other chapter where Aira looks at the moon and then remembers that night long ago when Boroden…. You see? An action or an occurrence leads to the thoughts. The thoughts don’t just appear.
Airen’s reddish gold hair kindled like burnished copper when illuminated by the fire in his forge in the brownie village that they left behind half a mile from the faerie door into the castle. He often made nails, letter openers, knives and other useful implements for humans. Airen made an ideal metal worker since years of living alongside humans had built up the resistance of brownies to iron, which burns most faeries. However, Airen preferred to be considered a swordsmith. He was renowned for his fine work amongst the faerie kingdoms of those parts. His weapons sold quickly at the monthly fey markets, to which he headed this night. Info dump.
There is too much information in the above paragraph that has nothing to do with what is happening here.
Aira looked from Gretchen to her father, Airen. The moonlight made his hair kindle like burnished copper.
“I’m not sure this time. What do you think?” she asked.
The swords that Airen made, Aira was sure, rivalled the great blades wielded by the heroes of old who Airen told her of as she helped him in the forge by fetching tools and tending the fire. Aira would rather be there than anywhere else, even when the sun shone, or her dinner was on the table. The legends he told her of their ancestors inspired her, bringing a light and hope to their lives as refugees from the brownie stronghold of Velmoran. Once there had been brownie kings, noble and just, who fought for what was right. As Airen spoke of these times, such a light came into his eyes. He seemed to see another, brighter world in the flames of his furnace. Info dump.
Though Airen’s eyes readily sparked into a merry twinkle, he had a wistfulness about him. He understood sorrow only too well, having lost his beloved wife, Freya, soon after they arrived at Tullochgorm. Why is this information important right now, and why would Aira be thinking about this right now?
The memory of how Freya died traumatically when she miscarried Aira’s stillborn brother still haunted Aira. Fortunately Airen had the forethought to take a new wife to help him care for Aira. Aira adored her stepmother, Gretchen, a kindly spinster of middling years. The question is “Is it safe to step outside.”
Airen’s pack of metalwork clanked on his shoulders as he turned to bid Aira farewell. ‘I’ll be on my way. I can’t believe you’re 424 years old tomorrow, my dearie. Almost too old to call a bairn now. I promise I’ll hurry back as soon as I may.’
Okay. They’re in the castle. They want to know if it’s safe to step out. It is. Now, he’s leaving. And? What? Why? Why are they in the castle? Were they always there? Why is all this important? Was the whole point that he needed to leave?
I thought that they were afraid they would get caught. So, what are they doing? Ok, her dad is leaving. Why? Where is he going? Why isn’t he staying? Why aren’t they going to? Why are they staying? What is the point?
Why is he thinking about her birthday? Why is he leaving when it’s her birthday? Why isn’t she going with him? Is it important that it is her birthday?
I feel like, as a reader, that I was expecting something that I wasn’t given. We have the brownies in a human castle, and I think that the humans put food out for them, but I feel like I should know something more.
‘Perhaps once you’re back we can go and pick some of the pretty flowers in the hedgerows? The meadows look so jolly in summer,’ Aira said.
Airen shook his head. ‘You never want for much by way of birthday gifts, lass.’
Airen assumed his true height; a little under three foot, to better help him scurry down the stairs. All brownies shared this ability to magically alter height. It was essential to help them go about their tasks unnoticed by humans. Although in the faerie world Aira was perfectly sized, in the world of humans she felt tiny. Even standing at her full height of two foot six comma she was dwarfed by the castle hunting hounds.
The air shimmered as Aira left the protection of the faerie world, entering the dangerous territory of the human castle. Humans had once persecuted faeries nearly to extinction. The faeries used their remaining magic to create a parallel world touching the human lands yet hidden from them except for a few special spots like the elf knot in Tullochgorm Castle.
The brownies went to the Great Hall to strew fragrant lady’s mantle sprigs amongst the rushes on the floor to freshen the air. They tiptoed carefully to avoid awakening the servants who slumbered there. Then the coppers needed polishing in the kitchen.
The cook was astounded how well they kept their shine due to the secret diligence of the brownies. Interesting point. I just want to point out the point of view. How does Aira know that the cook was astounded? Did she always exclaim that it was easier to keep them shiny than in her previous employment? Did she brag about how bright and clean she kept the kitchen? I’m just point out the pov. That’s all.
Show me who is talking because I don’t know yet. ‘It was laundry day for the humans yesterday. There will be plenty of linen needing folding and putting away,’ said Maggie Moloch, one of the older brownies who was so stooped that her parsnip shaped chin was almost on the floor.
Maggie Moloch, one of the older brownies, who was so stooped that her parsnip shaped chin almost reached the floor, said, “It was laundry day…”
Aira picked up a cloth. “I’ll help gladly…”
Don’t keep us guessing as to who is talking. Let us know before the dialogue is said.
‘I’ll help gladly. I promise I’ll try to fold the cloths neatly and not trip over them again,’ Aira said. She was keen to perfect the technique of folding the heavy tablecloths and sheets, which she struggled with.
Gretchen, Maggie and Aira each seized a corner of one of the cloths. They set to work, pulling their edges together in what seemed like the steps of a dance.
Aira fetched the next table cloth tablecloth
from the top of the pile. A hand burst from the laundry basket, grabbing her wrist. Aira screamed. Tension building. Good.
Gretchen ran to her aid, holding a peg bag poised to strike Aira’s attacker. She froze. Aira blinked, puzzlement overcoming her fear. The stowaway was an unfamiliar brownie and nearly a mirror image of Maggie, except that this brownie looked worn to a thread as her work-worn fingers slid from Aira’s wrist.
Nice.
Gretchen, Maggie, and Aira are together, so how did Gretchen run to Aira?
‘How did you get in the washing basket?’ Aira asked, getting her shaky breathing under control. Ok. I’ll stop repeating myself here and won’t note it again below. I think you understand. Since there are several characters, show the reader who is about to speak rather than telling the reader after the dialogue is spoken.
Maggie flung her arms around the stranger. ‘It’s all right, Aira. This is my sister Meg Mullach.’
‘Sorry, I think we both scared each other.’ Aira offered Meg her hand and helped her out of the laundry basket. Meg was so weak that her knees almost gave way as she stepped out.
‘Deary me, whatever’s happened?’ Gretchen asked.
‘Here, have some of the bread and cream the humans left for us. You look famished,’ Aira said, giving Meg a concerned smile. Aira handed Meg her own meal without a second thought.
‘I can’t believe that others of our clan have survived the attack on Velmoran,’ Meg said.
‘It’s lovely to know that more brownies
got free. Survived? Escaped?
I hate Krysila for destroying Velmoran. All for what? She may have seen the fruit of the Tree of Life as a great treasure comma but the immortality it grants is nothing compared to living a peaceful life in freedom.’ Aira shook her head mournfully. Seeing Meg looking so anxious awoke Aira’s sorrow over the scattered and broken existence that the brownies lived since Velmoran was lost.
‘Perhaps those times will come again? King Mazgrim has been leading us to find a new home where we can be free of our endless years of servitude under the ungrateful humans,’ Meg said.
‘Have King Mazgrim’s sons survived? What of Boroden?’ Aira both wished and feared to hear Meg’s reply.
‘He lives.’
Aira clapped her hands in delight, too overjoyed to notice Meg’s reserved tone. As a child optional comma she had spent many happy hours in the gardens about the palace of Velmoran comma playing with her friend Prince Boroden. Each day she thought of Boroden and prayed that he had survived.
‘Could you take me to him?’ Aira asked. Yet amongst her eagerness wariness arose. Her father had long feared to meet with any of King Mazgrim’s companions.
Meg tightened her lips sorrowfully. ‘I don’t think so. Boroden is in grave danger. Hobyahs comma under Krysila’s orders comma have been searching for us since we fled Velmoran. A scout spotted them on our trail the same day that a sídhe king found our camp. King Midhir threatened that we must move on or else become his slaves.’
Aira and Gretchen cast each other knowing looks, having the misfortune to know Midhir themselves.
‘I’m sorry you ran into him, Meg. How did you manage to get away and come to find us?’ Aira asked.
Who is talking? I thought it was Meg, but it must not be. ‘One of Midhir’s knights mentioned to him that perhaps the brownies that work in Tullochgorm Castle invited Mazgrim to his lands. I couldn’t believe it when I overheard the knight say that you were the village matriarch, Maggie. I almost got sprung upon by the hobyahs on my way here and had to travel by day when humans were about. I used my last drops of precious glamour ointment to make myself invisible to them. In desperation I hid in a basket of clean linen that a maid was carrying into the castle. It’s not safe for you here
after ?? since ??
Mazgrim has put Midhir in such a rage.’
Aira squeezed Gretchen’s hand, trying to comfort her stepmother in her shock. She only had to look at Gretchen’s blanched face to see that she too worried for Airen. Not only might he run into hobyahs and a furious Midhir but if Mazgrim discovered him he would be branded a traitor by his own kind.
I think the above paragraph can be improved, by showing more.
Gretchen’s face paled. She put her hand to her forehead as if she were going to faint. Aira put her arm around her and helped her to sit. Gretchen’s blanched face wailed that she too worried for Airen. Not only might he run into hobyahs and a furious Midhir –COMMA-- but if Mazgrim discovered him --COMMA-- he would be branded a traitor by his own kind.
They weren’t even thinking about Airen before, so why do they think he is in danger. I was surprised when I read this part. Maybe an extra sentence somewhere to make this more clear?
Several names begin with A, and several names begin with M. This can be confusing to the reader. It confused me.
‘Where else would we go?’ Maggie fretted. ‘Meg, I’m sure that Midhir wouldn’t want to lose the tithe payments we give him. Midhir is hungry for riches and demands payment in gold. Fortunately optional comma we pay him easily, for the metalwork sold by Aira’s father is worth its weight in the finest faerie gold. Airen should come back laden with riches after selling his wares at the market tonight.’
Is Midhir a brownie? Earlier in the chapter, it was mentioned that Airen was a great metalworker. Maybe it would be better to move that information here because it seems more relevant here.
Meg clutched Aira’s arm so hard that it hurt. ‘You father’s gone to the market at Midhir’s palace?’ Good. We know who is going to speak before the words are spoken.
‘Yes.’ Aira’s voice trembled as she saw the concern etched in Meg’s face. ‘You think he’s in danger there?’
Meg nodded. ‘If Midhir even allows the market to go ahead what with the trouble brewing between our clan and the hobyahs.’
‘Then he’ll not return with any gold? We’ll be ruined.’ Maggie crumpled back against the laundry basket, aghast.
‘I need to warn him,’ Aira said, wringing her hands. Some sixth sense told her that her father was in danger. Although the thought of heading into peril appalled her, she would never forgive herself if she stood by whilst Airen got hurt.
‘Aira, please. It’s too dangerous to go to Midhir’s lands. I didn’t come all this way to warn you only for you to get killed. You’re so young. I’m sure your father wouldn’t want anything to happen to you,’ Meg said in a pleading tone.
Aira began to protest but Maggie stared her down, her hands on her hips. ‘Aira, no. As matriarch of our village comma I forbid you or any others to go. If we give Midhir any reason to suspect we’re involved with King Mazgrim comma then it’ll be the worse for us. I’m sorry but your father will have to fend for himself.’
What happened to Gretchen?
Aira quaked, fighting back tears. Although she was never one to get into an argument, she felt a sudden urge to defy Maggie and tear out of the castle to the faerie portal that led to Midhir’s realm.
‘Come and help me restock the medicine chest of the castle apothecary. He’s run out of woundwort,’ Gretchen told Aira gently. Aira’s heart leapt. Clumps of woundwort grew near the portal to the faerie market. Did Gretchen mean to use collecting the herb as an excuse for them to go there and search for Airen?
Once they were out of earshot of the other brownies in the pungently herbal smelling cupboard of the apothecary, Gretchen turned to Aira. ‘Maggie’s right that going into Midhir’s lands is risky comma but I don’t feel easy about your father. If he manages to make it back to the portal comma there will be more trouble. It’s almost dawn comma and he’s got no glamour with him. There’s a chance the humans might capture him and do all manner of evil things.’
‘Then the least we can do is take him some glamour to give him the protection of invisibility if a human does chance to see him. We’ll take some ourselves comm so they shan’t spot us.’ Aira motioned Gretchen to give her the valuable vial of
glamour.Glamour missing space
was one of the most precious things they possessed, made in the traditional way with four-leaf clovers, buds of hollyhock, marigold flowers, wild thyme from a fairy knoll, buds of young hazel and grass from under a fairy throne.
Lots of people write faery while others write fairy. You have used both. What’s the difference?
‘What about Maggie forbidding us to go? I’ll head off home and if Maggie calls comma I’ll say that you’re feeling too worried about Airen to see her. Aira, promise me that you’ll wait for him by the portal and not leave the human world.’
Aira had thought of going to the market to find Airen comma but Gretchen’s desperate plea brought her to her senses. She had other loved ones to think of besides her father. ‘I promise. I know the meadows near the castle well comma and I’m quick on my feet.’
Gretchen hugged her. ‘I’m proud of you, lass. Now go quick before the humans stir. Your father should be returning by now, whether Midhir held the market or no.’
As Aira slipped out of the castle, dawn light was beginning to burnish the waters of the loch. Soon farm workers would be about, making the most of the long hours of high summer.
Finding the entrance to the sídhe kingdom deserted, Aira lingered. She collected some regal maroon flower spikes of woundwort and stowed them in the basket that she had taken to give herself the excuse of heading out to pick herbs if Maggie or another of the brownies spotted her. The pungent aroma of the snapped stems of the woundwort filled the air. Their soft, bristly leaves brushed Aira’s arms, for her sleeves were still rolled up from doing her chores.
Dewdrops
bejewelled British spelling?
the grass, sparkling with rainbows. The sun peered eagerly above the castle. Soon the grass began to steam in the heat of the sun. Aira kept close to the trees, avoiding the clumsy hoofs of cows and a yawning dairymaid. There was no sign of Airen comma and soon it would be too dangerous for him to return to the human world that day.
Can you increase the ending tension just a notch so that the reader cannot wait to turn the page?
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