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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/swordarm
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12 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Permeation  Open in new Window.
Review by Swordarm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very nice story. I didn’t catch on completely the first time through, but the clues are all there, so its probably best not to make it any more obvious than it is. The writing is good, and there are some good metaphors particularly with the satire and the pigeon (but that’s a simile huh?).

My suggestions for improvement (not necessarily correct suggestions as I don’t seem to be landing any gigs editing for great writers, myself included):

I think the first three paragraphs can be eliminated. There’s nothing wrong with them. Its good stuff, just a little extraneous. I’d save it for a different piece.

I had a little trouble wrapping my head around this one (still am): Bill is the empirical acceptance of subpar genes and years of building a foundation apart from exercise.

‘I thought about stepping into oncoming traffic.’ This doesn’t really seem to fit the death row environment.

There are some switches in tense. Almost everything is present, but here and there, past tense pops up in a sentence:
‘I didn’t even care enough…’, ‘My boss wasn’t there.’ And maybe some others.

Again, good story, good writing and good luck.
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Review of Snow White  Open in new Window.
Review by Swordarm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi. Interesting idea. The mind can certainly do strange things in extreme situations, particularly as we approach death. My best suggestion would be to use a lot fewer commas and a lot more periods. For instance:

I kept on walking, the tip of my fingers were numb despite my expensive ski gloves, my face was well protected by my wind-stopper but it was getting harder to breathe, it felt as if the inside of my nose got punctured by needles every time I inhaled.

I would break this up into about four sentences. The prose will actually flow better and the story moves along quicker with short sentences. You should look for other such instances and see if making shorter sentences might not work better.
Also sentence fragments in prose aren't always a bad thing, like here:

I said to myself, how foolish.

Could be: I said to myself. How foolish.

Or you could just say: I was a fool.

Here:

I was lost. I was terrorized.

Terrified seems more correct, or even some other word, unless the character is assuming that some intelligence is terrorizing him.

This is kind of an awkward sentence:

I felt a bit of relief as I had gotten the phone out of my pocket.

I'd say:

I felt a bit of relief once I finally had the phone out.

As with us all, keep reading and keep writing and we can only get better.
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