Dear Emily – Welcome to Writing.com. I am glad you are a part of this amazing writing community now. What a wonderful biography you have begun. At least I hope it is just the beginning. Everything about your five paragraphs is compelling. I enjoyed your writing very much. I am glad to know so much about you through this loving tale about yourself.
What I Enjoyed
There is a lot to enjoy in this biography. Meeting Connery, your special friend, and a few of the moments you share in this snapshot of you, was fabulous. Your way of developing “Nurture” as a character of importance in your biography, was a stellar piece of creativity. I will remember something special about your adoption, long after this experience with you, because of how you introduce the mighty “conqueror” in your life. Also, I enjoyed the extremities to which you took the differences between the stereotypical Asian, that probably should have been you, and the All American Girl you have become. I was a bit troubled about much those stereotypes are imbedded in how I perceive Asian youth, but that is more about my biography than yours. Some areas where I could use some character development for sure!
By the paragraph where you proclaim your adoption, I am your friend, and I suppose that is what I enjoyed most about your biography. It is a warm, funny, lighthearted exploration of an area of your life and who you are that readers may wonder about if they knew you personally and you have openly shared something so deeply personal one can’t help but be drawn to the person you are now and will be in the future.
Some of My Observations
Where your story begins is the key to this piece. You have chosen a place in time where there is action and drama and it moves the reader right into a personal account of who you are. Even in the first paragraph there is a hint of who you may be in the future. Stable, fun, athletic, appreciative of the odd occurrences in life that make the world a brilliant and exciting place to live.
The phrase: ”My mom went to buy water and came back with three waters and a random woman…” is a funny notion. What would we expect from a water run but a mundane…”I had to stand in line forever!” But even this moment you have included in your tale is far beyond the mundane and is a beautiful glimpse into the level of exposition you are willing to give your readers.
I laughed out loud (on my second reading of your piece actually) at your opening sentence in the third paragraph ”I am not crazy, definitely not rich, but I am 97% Asian. I break all the stereotypes though. I am not destined to be an aeronautical engineer or an analytical chemist, and I don't think my future career is in a nail salon.” Is there truly anything in the middle? Again, you have nailed my propensity to view my own culture to be the one and only and view others at the far extremes of what I may consider success.
Inspirational Thought
You have a wonderful, uncomplicated way of looking at your world. While you may have your “off-moments” with your mom, you have focused your piece entirely on the way you have come to excel in life. If you are truly the one seeing that everyone else is having fun then I could truly recommend this article you have written to other readers as a joy and tonic for whatever might be ailing them.
Suggetions
Everything that you have had to say about yourself in this piece is uplifting, caring and supportive I believe to most of us who have had challenges with our identity. I believe you open up not just the clear resolves you have obtained in life to live on the side of the “chosen child”. I think this is the most powerful, optimistic message for this day and age. Many children could benefit from this message and I would love to see this article developed into some bigger. I think there are a few minor edits for punctuation in the piece, but that is not something I am able to advise on as I am nearly blind and blocked in that area, but actually it does seem very well put together technically to me.
So, whatever you may not be, you are a great writer. You have taken the everyday and made it a pleasant visit for the soul. Thank you for sharing your gift.
) Samantha (
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