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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/suzsi
Review Requests: OFF
8 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Do I have a style? It hadn't occurred to me. I look for tense, punctuation, good flow.
I'm good at...
suggesting where a turn of phrase might help the description. I'm pretty good at editing. If it's too wordy - I'll suggest you cut bits.
Favorite Genres
fiction.
Least Favorite Genres
not romance!
Favorite Item Types
Fun
Least Favorite Item Types
heavy with description
I will not review...
violence. Ok - somebody can be violent, even kill somebody as part of the plot, but gratuitous violence - find somebody else to review your work.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Let us be alive !  
Review by Suzsi Mandeville
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi,
you asked me to review this a long time ago but I have not opened my Writing.com account in ages so I missed it.

I've now read Let Us Be Alive and i am the wrong person to review it.
It doesn't resonate with me. But that's because I don't like the GENRE. (not your work).
An audience of young esoteric Christians will love it.
This is a personal opinion and therefore not really relevant to being a review in the proper terms of the requirements of Reviewer.
Good luck to you.
2
2
Review of Relentless 1.0  
Review by Suzsi Mandeville
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very graphic.
Well written.
It feels like you are writing a film script.
Keep going!
3
3
Review of Giant  
Review by Suzsi Mandeville
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,
well done on writing your story, but it lacks the basic ingredient of empathy. I don't care about your giant. I'm a bit sorry for his inconvenience, but there's not enough about the character (even a name) to make me care about the outcome.
However, your piece has fairly good grammar and punctuation and believe me - that's rare!
I think you need to explain: why was he living so long on his own, seemingly doing nothing. What did he eat? How did he interact with others? Was there a Mrs Giant? Why was he tired seeing as he did so little?
His walking away from the conflict seems irrational seeing as he had taken so long to find his home. Why didn't he just dig another hole? Surely that was easier than looking for a new mountain.
My advice is to read your piece aloud, slowly and ask yourself if it sounds right. Reading aloud is always different to reading it in your head.
Best of luck, I look forward to re-reading it after a re-work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Suzsi Mandeville
Rated: E | (2.0)
This needs work.
Your tenses flip from present to past and you write like you are talking to friends... Don't do that. Pay attention to grammar and punctuation.
The story lacks credibility and empathy. I don't care about the girls. A good story makes me care about what happens to them.
It's a very evocative story about a girl who had a prank played on her by a man she thought cared for her.
but why?
Why did he do it? it wasn't funny. He thought she'd run away. What does he gain from that? A seduction where he hoped to get her to fall into his saving arms is a better scenario. If he was in fact planning something satanic, it needs to be stated.
The reason for her disappearance is not explained - so we end up not caring.
He lied. About what? So what was his motive?
And can you rely on the words of a girl who has been institutionalized for a decade.

If this is going to be the start of your novel, consider re-writing this as a prologue and then carry on with what happened next. You could have a Blair Witch type of story here. As a short story it doesn't engage yet. It needs more work. Read it aloud and do get you punctuation sorted out.

Best of luck! Keep writing. Nobody gets it right first time. Keep going.
5
5
Review of The Pretender.  
Review by Suzsi Mandeville
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, You are obviously hurt. Understand that and been there myself. But this does just sound like a teenage moan. fine, teenagers can moan. no worries. But if poetry is what you are after, this doesn't quite hit the mark, i think.
look, does it rhyme, or not? Sort of. I'd suggest you forget the rhyme and go for some really deep descriptive feelings. But for now, I'll stick with your rhymes.
Enveloped me - is a bit cliche. And yet, does darkness really envelope anything? Covers, perhaps, hides, cloaks??? Engulfs?

scanning is important. Try
all the time I thought you cared
but now i am alone and scared.

The next line means he didn't care for your feelings, but you've twisted it to fit the rhyme and now it doesn't work. I think chuck out both lines and put in something harder. OR, maybe
put the LAST TWO lines here, because they fit (but look for another word because hide doesn't rhyme. Die? Lie (he lied to you). Lose the word back - it doesn't scan.

then, you can do what Shakespeare did: put the whole thing on it's head with an opposing rhyming couplet at the end - one that doesn't have the same scan pattern as the preceding lines and maybe gives an uplift? Okay, you are gone, but i am strong!

Don't forget, these are just musings. I am only passing on thoughts and you are welcome to ignore everything. (p.s. if this is from real life, move on. I did and it was wonderful!) :)






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