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24 Public Reviews Given
38 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Revelation  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello The Revelationist.

I like this *Smile*. It was a curious opening with opened up many questions. You also have a good grasp of imagery.


I’d say your main weakness with this story is your overuse of the passive voice. This (and a few other stuff) is covered below:


My eyes were clouded and hazy as I lifted my head from the cold

- This sentence feels passive, and distances the reader from the action (which you don’t want). And it’s all because of two words you’ve put in there that isn’t needed…

Cut out ‘were’. The sentences works much better without it.

And cut out ‘as’, as this isn’t needed either.

My eyes clouded and hazy, I lifted my head from the cold

Take a look at my article on {item:1202075.


My mind was a raging tempest, it’s fury blinding and dominant.

- ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’. Remember, ‘it’s’ is short for ‘it is’.


It was at that time the strangest thing happened.

- This sentence stands out to me as being poor, I’m afraid. Don’t tell us something strange is about to happen, just have the strange thing happen.


I knew that when I was running I could not hear my feet when they touched the ground or even the slightest sound of any possible movement.

- You’ve already told the reader this. You don’t need to repeat information like this.


It was then, that in the bleak darkness I noticed a figure moving ever so slightly.

- The comma isn’t needed.


I began to panic, completely afraid of these voices. Then there was a long pause.

- ‘began to’ and ‘Then there’ both distance the reader, once again, from the action in the story.

I suggest you write something more like: ‘I panicked, completely afraid of these voices. There was a long pause’.

This reads much snappy, and draws the reader in the action much more.


There was definitely something wrong with this place. I didn’t understand why but I could feel that something wasn’t right. There was something about this place that sent shivers down spines of steel.

- Repetition of ‘this place’ in close proximity, breaking the flow of the prose. I suggest you think up a different way to describe ‘this place’ and replace the second one with it.


I squinted my eyes and started to crawling in its direction.

- Passive again, separating the reader from the action.

Something more like:

I squinted my eyes and crawled in its direction.

Would read smoother.


I stood and began to slowly walk forward.

- As above. Passive.


I also noticed that you used many adverbs - words that describe action, often ending with ’-ly’ - throughout this. While they’re not inherently bad, over-use of them weakens prose. As a rule of thumb, cut out all the ones you can, and instead use a stronger verb that gets across the same meaning.


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Review of Eyes  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Becket mission *Smile*.


This is a nice surreal piece. However, there are some things that could be improved upon.


The land seemed normal, for the most part. Mostly dirt which painted much of the high but not steep hill, some patches of grass here and there.

- Your punctuation makes this sentence confusing to read - it needs more of it *Wink*. Punctuation is like a set of instructions for the reader - it tells them how to read what you have written. By throwing in some extra commas or dashes, you can tell them where you want them to pause and what exactly it is you’re saying.

With this sentence, I would personally throw in the following punctuation (bolded):

The land seemed normal, for the most part. Mostly dirt, which painted much of the high - but not steep - hill, some patches of grass here and there.

By adding in that extra comma, you’d be making things clearer for the reader. Without it, the sentence doesn’t quite make sense.

The dashes off-set the fact that the high hill is not steep. Without it, the sentence doesn’t flow correctly.


She was merely standing, wondering. Looking around for something which was elusive at the time of this story.

- The ‘-ing’ verbs (bolded) make this sentence passive, and thus dull to read. You’ll want to keep it active, with ‘-ed’ verbs. The occasional passive verb isn’t necessary bad, but you shouldn’t over use it.

I’ve actually written a short article on the passive voice. If you’ve got a little time, you may want to check it out:

 Invalid Item 
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#1202075 by Not Available.


- I also don’t like the way in which you’ve kind of broken the fourth wall, with the narrator acknowledging that it’s a story. This works fine when you have a character recounting the tale, or for comedy, but doesn’t work here. I’d (personally) suggest that you cut it.

Putting these suggestions together, you’d get something like:

She merely stood, wondering. Kerry looked around for something, that was at that time elusive.

Of course, there are a number of different ways you could rewrite these two sentences.


Anyway, it was unimportant, and irrelevant to this story.

- Narrator acknowledging the story.

- Also, if it’s unimportant, and doesn’t serve any purpose, why did you mention it?


She was wearing a 3/4-length

- Never use figures in prose. Write ‘three quarters’ instead.


Long, wavy hair the color of orange pekoe tea was gently fluttering with the
soft wind, its bangs occasionally sweeping over her green eyes.

- Needs some extra punctuation - namely a comma after ‘hair’ and ‘tea’.

- Also, ‘was gently fluttering’ is passive - you’ll want to make it more active.

I’d (personally) rewrite this as:

Long, wavy hair,{/b] the color of orange pekoe tea, gently fluttered with the soft wind, its bangs occasionally sweeping over her green eyes.


They were shaped like cat's eyes, except more narrow.

- Instead of writing ‘more narrow’, you could simply write ‘narrower’.


A bright light flashed and as the lady of this story shot her gaze over at the
source of said light,

- Not only does ‘the lady of this story’ read and flow badly, but it’s also another reference to the narrator breaking the fourth wall. Just use Kerry’s name here.


Two more things: this is all bolded, which makes it odd to read. Also, you leave two spaces after each comma, which I found unusual.


Hope you found this review helpful *Smile*.


"Invalid Item" 

-- Sureal
3
3
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
(Please note that the following is my opinion, and as such, others may disagree with what I have to say)


Lo *Smile*.

Your writing has good flow and pacing - the actions run smoothly along, and your writing style flows easily, making the story a pleasant read.

I do find, however, that you have too much description in this.


First, let’s look at your opening:

It’s well written, gives a detailed explanation of Seth’s back story and describes the world that Seth knows. Unfortunately, this is the wrong place to put this.

A story - especially a novel - has to open in a way that makes the reader want to read on. Usually this is done with action of some sort - such as an interesting conversation taking place.

I don’t know if you want to have this published or not, but it’s an unfortunate truth that most editors will only read the first few opening paragraphs of a novel before rejecting it. If the novel doesn’t grip them from the word go, then they won’t bother with the rest of it.

If we look at your story again, we could cut out all the description (don’t worry, it can be added in again at later point in the chapter/novel), so instead it opens with:

“Bring in the tools, boy!”

“Aye, sir,” came Seth’s reply.

“Oi! Boy! Hurry the hell up! We ‘ave customers waiting, and you need to finish cleanin’!” shouted Clayton.

With a sigh, Seth picked up his saw and trudged through the sand dunes that dotted Clayton’s property, all the way back to the house.

“Put away th’ saw and grab yur mop,” ordered Seth’s master, before turning back to a shady figure in the front of the store. “Now sir, what you requested is…”

This isn’t perfect, as the story wasn’t written with this order in mind, so the pacing is off. If you wanted to move the story around like this, it’d need a bit of rewriting to make it fit better.


At a number of points throughout the story, you stop and describe to us something - be it the world, Seth’s back story, the location or a character. Although description is good - it helps the reader to see the story - too much of it can slow down the story. Your description is all well written, it isn’t always needed.

For example:

The bar was dimly lit, and it was packed. Huge barrels of ale stood behind a counter, and people lined the bar. A haze seemed to obscure Seth’s vision,

This doesn’t add much to the story, at least not in the way it’s currently positioned. We don’t spend a long time in the bar, so don’t really need to know much of this. Instead of placing it all together in a block like this, you could try separating bits of it. For example as Seth walks through the bar, mention he has a bit of trouble navigating, due to the poor lighting, or the haze, or whatever you feel is appropriate.

At the moment, the description breaks the flow of the action.


My final comment on description is to do with your descriptions of the characters. You also have a lot of this. Pretty much every single character that has a line of dialogue in this chapter gets a description. Personally, I’d say much of them didn’t need such a lengthy description, at least not all in one go.

Just a mention, for example, that Cass has lottsa muscles, rather than the full description you give him, would suffice at first. Other bits of information about how he looks could then be spaced out, to allow the action to flow better.


And now we’re off description, I only have one more suggestion to make:

Your main character’s parents are both mysteriously dead, and all he has to show for his past is a scar. This reminds me very much of a certain other young boy who, separated from his dead parents, also goes through a bad time with those he now lives with. Everyone - especially anyone with an interest in reading fantasy - will know the story of Harry Potter, and the similarities immediately sprung to mind. I can’t help but feel that this detracts from the story.


Anyways, that’s the end of my review *Smile*.


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-- Sureal
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Review of Old Year's Eve  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice piece *Smile*.

‘“Heck, no. I’d rather walk, you idiot”’

- I don’t like the ‘you idiot’, as it feel so unnatural to me.

- Also, you’re missing the full-stop/period from the end of the sentence.


‘It’s something like four degrees out”’

- Missing full-stop/period.


I liked this - I could tell the character’s tone of voice from the dialogue alone, and the conversation flows smoothly along.
5
5
Review of Bus to Purgatory  
Review by Sureal
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, nice little story *Smile*.

I would have to say my main gripe with this would be the following:

‘The counter disappeared into a black tunnel.’

- It just feels so undescriptive and vague - telling, rather than showing. I find I cannot picture it. Although I’m guessing this problem arose from having a small word-limit.


‘Wasn’t she a brunette?’

- This actually confused me for a moment (although not in the way you intended). I imagine it would benefit from a word such as ‘wait’, as in: ‘Wait, wasn’t she a brunette?’, to help show the character’s confusion.


Anyways, nice story.
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Review of Draconian  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Reading* Good Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I liked’)


The descriptions were great and flowed together beautifully. The story is also quite tragic, which suit’s the desperate struggle well.


*Reading* Bad Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I did not like’)


Some of it was a little confusing. For example,
‘Pain rocketed from space, plowing across his throat.’

I’m guessing that ‘Pain’ is a character? Or is it something else?


*Reading* Errors *Reading*
(or, ‘stuff that seem wrong’)


‘it's black blade burning with blue flame.’

It’s = its.



*Reading* Conclusion *Reading*
(or, ‘what I think’)


A nice fantasy. I see someone has already rated this… 2 stars? I’m not sure they’ve done that, as really, this isn’t bad.
I’m rating it a 3.0.


*Reading* Want a review for your short stories under 10kb?
Well, then check out "Invalid Item" ! *Reading*
7
7
Review of Me and Binky  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Reading* Good Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I liked’)


The language is probably the best point. Followed up by the strong sense of irony.
I also liked the joke about the marijuana business.


*Reading* Bad Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I did not like’)


This doesn’t feel completely right. It’s easy to tell what you’re getting at, but the final punch line just doesn’t work (or at least, it didn’t for me). The marijuana part (as noted above) was the only part that actually made me laugh (and ‘twas a rather little laugh…). Punch lines really need to be short and snappy.


*Reading* Errors *Reading*
(or, ‘stuff that seem wrong’)


‘My keen senses kept him from getting’ shot’

Getting’ -> getting’


*Reading* Conclusion *Reading*
(or, ‘what I think’)


A nice idea, that you just about pull off.
I’m gonna rate this a 3.0.


*Reading* Want a review for your short stories under 10kb?
Well, then check out "Invalid Item" ! *Reading*
8
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Review of Starship Sentry  
Review by Sureal
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* Good Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I liked’)


Okay - what don’t I like with this? It’s one of the best reads I’ve had on this site.
And yes, it’s even better on the second read through (heck, it almost like a completely different story on the second read… it’s two stories in one).

This is genuinely funny (something that can be hard to get across in stories).

I could go through and quote all my favourite parts, but that’s take up for to much space and time. Quite simply, every time something was given a double meaning (for example, the part in which Sentry sits in his ‘command consol’ and almost goes into ‘temporary shutdown’).


*Reading* Bad Points *Reading*
(or, ‘what I did not like’)


The fact that I had a bit trouble picturing what was going on during the first reading (not knowing what the sentries looked like). But I suppose that’s unavoidable, and I partially made up for that myself - with each new piece of information I’d refresh my mental image of what the look like… until I got it right (at which point - of course - I burst out laughing).


*Reading* Errors *Reading*
(or, ‘stuff that seem wrong’)


‘"Location?" The Sentry barked the question so that it seemed more of a demand.’

I think that this speech (‘Location’) is meant to be in italics. Everywhere else he’s speaking it is anyway.

Urgh, yeah, that’s all I found…


*Reading* Conclusion *Reading*
(or, ‘what I think’)


A truly enjoyable and funny read. I’ve also read (and reviewed) another of your excellent stories that is similar (Terminax), but this is even better than that.

This deserves (in my opinion at least) nothing less than a rating of 5.0
9
9
Review of The Challenge  
Review by Sureal
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was an extremely well written story, with a nice ironic twist at the end. Actually, I'm pretty sure I saw the exact same thing happen on a animal show sometime (though admitidly, with different animals... I think. I can't actually remember...)


I searched through for some mistakes, but all I found was:

The thick, green forest lay still and quite

I think ‘quite’ is meant to be ‘quiet'.


So, once again, nice job :).
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